Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Even_Particular_3296 on 2024-01-21 19:48:29+00:00.

I'm at a loss here and don't know where else to go for advice where I feel like I won't be judged.

I'm 34, male, and have been dating a wonderful girl, 31, for about a year now. She's great. If I was able to "build a girlfriend" she would pretty much be it. She has the type of personality I prefer, so kind and thoughtful, and even has the physical attributes I prefer down to body type, hair color, eye color (fit, brown hair, green eyes) etc.

However, the only thing that has been troubling me is the differences in our past. You see, I was in a relatively long term relationship throughout my 20's and she was well, single. But before you turn this into just another "body count" post, it's more than that. Maybe that’s part of it, but it's a little of everything. She grew up partying and her friends party. I spent my 20's very frugal. Both me and my ex sacrificed quality of living in our early 20s to be pretty well finically off in our 30's and forward. It obviously didn't work out between me and my ex but still, we both did it. And it paid off, I am fortunate enough to essentially not worry about what things cost on a day to day basis now. Not rich, but not poor either. Comfortable middle class without any passed down help. Anyway, not the point.

From what I can tell my current girlfriend generally partied every weekend in college, literally every story from her 20's is about going out with her friends to some bar. And after college they would all meet up and go get drunk in LA, or San Diego, or San Fransisco, or Dallas etc. Now, I don't think she has a problem, it was generally a weekend or "special trip" thing. But post college I'd say she still generally partied 2-3 times a month. She has a good job (actually an engineer), and it hasn't taken over her life or anything, but still, she's partied. She has cut back significantly since we've been together, and I don't get the sense she looking for that lifestyle anymore. However, I never have been much of a drinker or partier, and honestly never envisioned myself with someone who likes that lifestyle.

Now, what bothers me is just the visions I get when she tells these stories of her partying and going out. I hate the image of her getting blackout drunk, probably experimenting with some drug use here and there and everything that comes with it.

I do know this is my problem to accept or not. And before you say get therapy, I've done some hard self reflection as to why this bothers me the way that it does, and I've come up with what I think is pretty reasonable answers.

1: I'm a little jealous deep down that she got to party in her 20's and now gets to settle down just like she planned it. I didn't get to/choose to do that because of what I valued more (financial independence long term) plus being in a long term relationship generally. But some of me regrets that decision now to an extent.

2: I'm a little jealous of the fact I had to (choose to) "grind" in my 20's, limiting my fun, while she was out spending generally what she earned (she's not in serious debt, but didn't exactly save either), and now she will get to see the rewards from my assets despite not "paying the price"

3: I hear all the time, people change. You can't judge a person from their past. But it's hard for me to reasononate with that. I've always had my life goals and knew exactly what I wanted my life to look like from a very early age. I've made all my decisions to support that goal. And honestly, can't really think of any stupid decisions I've made "because I was young". I think it's a lame excuse. So part of me wants to "judge" her for past (and borderline promiscuity while single) knowing I wouldn't have been with a person like that then. However, I really do care for her now. And she's only displayed qualities that I would want in a spouse from the time I've been with her.

4: I'm a bit of a health freak. I diet very well, exercise, etc. She is in good shape too, so we have that in common. However, I can't help but think if weekly drinking for a decade at a young age will come back to bite her when she's older. There’s a significant correlation between drinking and breast cancer for example. I want my spouse to live with me until we're 80+, not be widowed at 60

I know that these are generally my own issues to deal with. I also know I can't change the past, but saying that doesn't really help anything. I'm trying to figure out if staying is worth every time she talks about how she used to get crazy at parties and my stomach drops to the floor, if its worth it, or ever get any better. So, I'm at a loss between fighting the visions of her past and knowing what she's done vs the person I see in front of me now. Are our past lives too much to overcome or do I forget it all and try to only focus on what's in front of me? Has anyone else been in any sort of a similar situation and if so, how did you get through it?

Thanks for listening.

TL;DR: I'm dating a great girl, but was "young and stupid" in her youth. I never went through that phase and I hate hearing those stories. Will I ever be able to fully accept how different our young years were?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Urgenthelpakhi on 2024-01-21 19:18:18+00:00.

I was talking to a guy on a dating app. I'm 27F, and he's 26M, with a 6-7 months age gap between us. I initially asked him age-related questions, and he seemed fine with it, saying his parents wouldn't have an issue either.

We had a great conversation for 3 days, exchanged lengthy paragraphs, and really got to understand each other. He then asked for my detailed bio-data to introduce me to his parents, explaining it's part of a process he's following. I was okay with it and asked him to share his details as well.

After that, our conversations started to wander, and the topic of marriage wasn't discussed as much. Amidst this, he claimed to be very busy for a week, replying late, and one day, he just stopped messaging. Unable to resist, I messaged him before bedtime, “perhaps you’re still at the office, wherever the night takes you, have a goodnight”, to which he replied that he was at home with people over. I knew he was lying but didn't say anything. I just wished him a good time, and he didn't message after that.

He later sent a request on Instagram, and I started posting attractive pictures on my stories, hoping he'd take notice🙈. But he only viewed the stories, he didn’t like them. Now, he just messaged, apologizing for not talking and mentioning he felt good after our last week's conversation but needs time to think.

Please, please tell me what should I reply to him? Should I play it cool or act like I didn't notice? I'm thinking of saying, "Oh, I thought you were giving time to other girls, that's why you forgot to message me. Anyway, yes, I've started talking to someone else, and things are going great initially. Let's see how it goes."

Or should I go with, "It's okay; take your time. Talk to your parents and let me know what you need." I've heard men want what they can't have, so I want my message to make him think positively about me without appearing too desperate. Please help, and examples would be appreciated! Please be kind.

Tl;dr - this guy was super into me and then completely ghosted me, now he just texted again! Help me text him back!

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Civil_Ad_5011 on 2024-01-21 18:58:54+00:00.

I was at the gym and I happened to see a dude I knew that lived close to where my gf used to live ... when we were talking I mentioned to him who my gf was, instantly he had this look on his face like he was keeping something to himself, then he tells me he doesn't want to start any issues but he saw a guy get out of her car at her house (he described her car accurately and gave me the name of the guy ),

he seemed to have no ill intentions and said he didn't even know who her boyfriend was at the time but always kept that memory because it looked sketchy. So instantly I go to my gf and ask her who's _ She takes a couple seconds to think and says she doesn't know anyone with that name. I then tell her what this guy informed me of at the gym and she says " are you gonna trust this persons word over mine " and also says things like " 5 years of dating and still no trust"

I told her to stop gaslighting me because wtf is this, it was 12 am at a gym and that's what this guy tells me. So now I don't even know who to believe. If what he says was true it must have happened a year ago. Such a weird situation

TLDR: what do I do, this person was a neighbor to my gf and saw her and another dude, she's rejecting it and saying why am I trusting a random person. What step do I take next in this relationship?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/excalling_ on 2024-01-21 18:23:34+00:00.

My boyfriend(27M) and I (26F) started seeing each other in October, made it official in November and then very quickly seemed to live together… it just kind of happened. He spent almost every night with me, so then he gradually moved clothes in, then he’d be there in evenings when I got home from work. It was fast, I was a little freaked out, but it was happening naturally and it seemed healthy enough. No one was controlling how the other spent their time, I often encouraged him to stay with his mother or go see his friends.

For the past 3 weeks I knew something was wrong. He was acting differently but assured me we were fine. Finally, this past Thursday I told him I knew something was wrong and to tell me, because he had avoided me for 2 days at that point.

He said he just wants to take a step back, go back to dating and having our own space. I think it’s the proper thing to do as well, but I can’t help but feel heart broken. He says it’s not a break, that isn’t what he wants. He just feels like we’ve been neglecting others in our lives by spending so much time together. Now I have to go back to dating this man who has terrible texting habits, and I’m going to always wonder if I ask him to hang out 2 nights in a row if that’ll be taking up too much of his time.

Again, I know this is for the best but I can’t help but feel heartbroken and not chosen. How does one navigate this and make it work?

TL;DR my boyfriend wants to go back to just dating and not living together. I feel like I’m getting more hurt by this than he is and I don’t know how to navigate it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwra_wifelove on 2024-01-21 18:21:57+00:00.

Idk how I'm supposed to feel?

My wife (27f) & I (28M) have been together since middle school. We got married November 2023. We both have had our fair share of animated crushes (who hasnt) and it never effected our relationship.

But now, lately, she's been saying she adores this one character from an anime, but it's a woman. Like, everyone has their tastes and I get it, but my wife has always said she was straight, but with how much she's obsessing over this 2D woman, I'm starting to have my doubts lol.

The way she talks about this fake woman is like how I talk about what I love about her (she also mentions her body).

Like, I'm conflicted. Am I supposed to say something? It doesn't make me all that uncomfortable, but I have a feeling she's not really all that straight.

Uh, anyone else end up in this situation? Lol

TLDR: my wife has a crush on an anime woman and idk if she's as straight as she says she is.

(The Character is Vanessa from Black Clover)

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/rmjagonshi2448 on 2024-01-21 18:04:07+00:00.

My(32) partner(32M) is angry that I seem to have no ambitions and am ok with a simple life. My partner and I met in grad school. We were both in the same department and hit it off almost instantly. I was hesitant at fist since I had not been in a relationship before and had no real expectations that I ever would. Fast forwards and we have been together for 9 years and we are both graduated with Masters degrees in Geology. I struggled to find a job in my field and finally accepted ANY job to pay the bills. I got a job at an anatomic pathology medical lab and have been working there for almost 3 years.

My partner also had trouble finding a job but for different reasons. He started his own business thats not going great. He wants to get his own land to get away from the city but hes not making enough fast enough. And hes not willing to start a new chapter in our lives until my student debits are paid in full.

Hes recently been lashing out that "no one in this family seems to want to do anything worthwhile with their lives". (We are currently living with his parents because we cant afford rent in our area) Both his parent are retired and are not pursuing any of their past hobbies, instead they are playing mobile games, reading books and playing with the cat. I have stopped writing. I dont have a lot of mental energy after I get home from my job and much of my time at hime is spent doing home care activities (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc). And I dont want a hand in my partners business because I have less knowledge and skill than he does. But he keeps pushing me to "do something" that he can help with or monetize. Im already working 10 hours days and stressing about my day job and a side hussle is not a life I want.

Nearly all of our conversations center around finances and venture ideas and what I can do to make money. Or he's talking about what he CANT do due to the oversaturated market or liability laws or hacking attempts or something else that's bothering him.

Ive stopped talking about myself or my work as it seems to make him angry. He takes everything I say as criticism or complaining.

Im soo tired reddit. I love him dearly, but I cant help with this, not without losing everything I am and want in life to the neverending grind. What do I do?

TL/DR: Partner has own business and wants me to go in as partner in side hussle. I work a stressful day job and am ok with a simple life. What do I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Theunluckystylist on 2024-01-21 17:53:03+00:00.

We have only been talking for about two months now, he approached me first. We’ve had sex a few times like it’s nothing serious but he just treats me like shit.

Example 1, he freaked out over me talking to another guy (19m). Not even in a sexual context but he just started saying things like “He’s closer to your age anyways” “You like him I know it” so I eventually just cut contact with the other guy despite him being a huge help to me and my studies. Yet he talks to all these other women. Like I’ll see him sitting with other girls and flirting with them or I’ll see other women on his phone.

Example 2, all he does is talk about himself. I mean he’ll go on for hours, and I mean hours about himself. Which is fine, I like learning about the people in my life but whenever I talk about myself he gives such short answers/replies or makes it sexual. And he’s even straight up told me he doesn’t care about what I’m talking about when I was telling him about my day at school.

Example 3, I honestly figured he was losing interest in me and I was completely fine with that so I just stopped replying to his texts. However if he’s texted me and sees I’m posting on my socials, he’ll blow up my phone until I respond to him.

This is gotten to the point where he clearly just doesn’t enjoy talking to me anymore unless we’re talking about him or having sex. And whenever I try to cut contact, he just loses it on me. I don’t know what to do. All types of advice would be appreciated.

TLDR; This man won’t leave me alone despite just not enjoying me anymore and I don’t know how the fuck to get away from him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/DramaticOcelot on 2024-01-21 17:05:05+00:00.

I (34F) have been dating my current partner for 4 months (38M). We were friends before that for 1.5 years. We come from the same culture, speak the same language, and have a lot in common. Here is the problem. He says he can’t commit to me and doesn’t think he is capable of loving anyone. He doesn’t love me.

The problems run deep in his head, so he is in therapy. He is super anxious about all kinds of stuff like doing something useful (studying algorithms or watching educational youtube videos, programmers lol) as much possible versus having some fun like watching a movie. If he asks someone for a favor or asks them to do something, he feels bad that he is controlling them. He hates when people call him a good person or compliment him. He doesn’t think he is a good person because he thinks he is attempting to control or manipulate people.

In reality, he is the most kind and giving person I have ever known. I have my own anger and mental health issues. Just being around him grounds me. I enjoy being with him and see myself with him long term.

He says he imagines love as him leaping towards someone with passion, taking a bullet for them, always wanting to be around them — basically “I can’t live with you.” To me, that sounds like a movie. I told him that people express and experience love in all kinds of ways. It doesn’t have to be a fantasy movie love. I also told him that it’s important that he maintain his own identity and agency in the relationship. It doesn’t have to be where you have to give yourself away completely and sacrifice everything. That’s not healthy.

He apparently wanted to marry some girl in Russia before living in the U.S. like a decade ago. His mother didn’t approve of her, so he left her. But his mother always pushed him to get married and have a family, which he resented her for. They have a fine relationship now but he feels a lot of pain about that. He said he is not sure if he ever loved that girl either. He says he doesn’t want to do anything just because he has to or is expected to. I told him that I am not requiring anything. Only that we be together and see where it goes.

I really want to be with him. I feel like he is my person. I am enjoying our time together. He gives me a ton of anxiety that he is going to leave me. He said he can’t promise he won’t run away because everything he does is not working out. He doesn’t blame me for anything, only himself. He says I am not the problem.

For instance, I told him via Whatsapp we don’t have to spend every day together so he can do the useful stuff that makes him feel good about himself. I also told him that until he figures out what he wants, it is what it is. No sense in worrying about it.

Prior to that, I told him I was questioning my existence on this Planet after I watched a movie. I didn’t elaborate that it was about the meaning of my life and contribution. He took it out of context and thought that he doesn’t give me purpose in life. I explained to him in person later that it was about personal fulfillment as a human being in this Planet.

We talked. He said nothing was working out. He doesn’t love the way he imagines love to be and has never loved anyone like that. I told him he is not manipulative or controlling. That not everything is black and white. That he is an amazing person and I am not leaving him. I am here and I want to be with him. Of course, he got cognitive dissonance.

What are your thoughts? Can he turn around after taking time and exploring himself in therapy and this, or is this a lost cause? I haven’t felt about anyone like this in a long time. I need some other perspectives. I am also in therapy. I am willing to be there for him and support him.

Tl;dr my partner of 4 months won’t commit because he has a very low self-esteem and says he hasn’t loved anyone the way he thinks love should be. He blames everything on himself and says it’s not my fault. Should I stay and support him while he tries to explore this part of himself, or should I just let him go?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Firsttimemom111 on 2024-01-21 16:55:13+00:00.

Please be nice, I’m clearly in a difficult situation! 7 years in.. we have a 2 year old..

he is a wonderful man who helps with cooking cleaning and is a patient, participative dad. He’s extremely smart, responsible, financially stable, a great listener, a great communicator (avoidant mostly but when we do talk, he is always calm), we look great together, I LOVE his friends and family and culture. The other side of this…. We come from different cultures and he is older than me. I truly desire someone that feels like a best friend. We really do not have the same interests. We don’t really connect spiritually, but in his defense I tend to be a bit extreme with some of my yoga/energy practices, but he doesn’t even try. Sexually, we have never aligned - I’ve always ignored this part since he’s such an amazing man. But I’m also very very sexual and find myself suppressing a large part of me. To me, the spiritual and sexual aspects are very important as a connection with a partner. He has entertained women behind my back but I do not believe he every physically cheated.

Ever since we began dating I felt as if something was missing. He’s the first stable man I’ve been with so automatically I blamed that “something missing” on my chaotic past. Despite all of the self help/therapy I’ve done, the feeling has not evolved. At this point, I’m wondering if it’s intuition… we have had so many conversations so he is very aware of my hesitancies but has not done anything to try and improve it. I love him so much but I know I’m capable of connecting deeper. Am I crazy to leave such a wonderful man though ? 😔 ———- TL;DR Has anyone left a wonderful man and NOT regretted it?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/detectconan on 2024-01-21 16:44:32+00:00.

I (Male, 31) recently ended things with a girl (27) that I kind of liked and went on a few dates with.

A few instances that kind of bothered me: I'm introverted, so I talk less, and she was visibly frustrated with me because I wouldn't elaborate. She was not appreciative of my efforts, when I did favors for her when asked. She was also sometimes rude/confrontational when I very calmly asked her questions during conversations.

Looking back, I do think she shares some similarities with my ex, such as being dismissive and unappreciative. Is she a mean person or am I being too sensitive? How would you deal with similar situations as a HSP? I think one thing that I could improve is definitely calling it out early to avoid letting my anger build up. (I have also been told that I was too sensitive in the past, so I feel insecure about it.)

**TL;DR;** : How to know if a person is mean or if I am being too sensitive? How would you deal with dating in general as a HSP?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA_Smelly_Balls on 2024-01-21 13:57:36+00:00.

I (27F) have been dating a guy (37M) for a few weeks. We see each other twice a week and text a few times a day.

Things are mostly good so far, but I’m struggling with one thing and don’t know how to talk about it.

Relevant info: he has never been in a relationship. The last time he loved someone was his high school girlfriend. When we talked about why our previous relationships ended, he responded with, “I’ve slept with people on and off throughout the years for a few months a time, but they always fizzled out for one reason or another. I never had a girlfriend after high school.” whereas I have had two serious relationships in my 20s, the most recent one ending 2 years ago. This is relevant because I don’t want to overwhelm him with a “serious” conversation of sorts when he’s never been in a relationship. I also would prefer to just handle this head on (lol) after being in relationships and appreciating direct communication, but know I should be delicate given the subject matter and his inexperience. Here we go.

The issue: When this guy drops his pants for sex, I am overwhelmed with the scent of BO. It’s distinctly BO, not anything fungal or whatever, at least not that I can tell. It makes me stifle a gag, and that’s not fun for anyone in this context. I find myself trying to avoid sex, which is unusual for me as someone who has a high sex drive. His is lower than mine anyway, which works in my favor in this instance.

The guy loves getting head, and I love giving, but I cannot get past the smell. He’s circumcised, so wherever the smell is coming from isn’t under his foreskin.

I don’t know what to do, and part of me is just considering cutting and running, but that seems unfair and rude. He’s a very clean guy in general, showers daily, has a clean home, etc., he’s just got a very smelly crotch and it’s bad no matter the time of day (unless it’s right after a shower, but he doesn’t want to do anything after those because he’s clean and doesn’t wanna sweat, which I can’t blame him for really).

How would you delicately approach this?

Tl;dr: Guy I’m dating has very smelly crotch. Guy has not been in a relationship in 20 years, and stated his previous sexual flings “just wouldn’t work out as a relationship” and “ended for one reason or another.” I cannot physically stomach the idea of intimacy a lot of the time, and need help figuring out how to approach the subject delicately with someone who might not have ever had a “serious” talk with someone he’s dated.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ValleGirl2022 on 2024-01-21 12:25:15+00:00.

I’ve (54F) been dating bf (55M) for about 14 months. We met online and his status had said interested in marriage (or whatever the dating goal was… it def said marriage). This would be a SECOND marriage for us, both married to narcissists and have some baggage.

We’ve talked on a few occasions about possible marriage and buying a house and how if we were to move in together I’d like to be engaged first. Anyway today on the phone he mentioned “how is anybody every 100% about anyone…” and I’m like wtf! We should not be talking about marriage or buying property together if he isn’t 100% sure about me. I mentioned to him that we should give the marriage talk a break and he seemed offended. I explained that ideally a guy should be 100% about a girl he wants to marry and THEN talk marriage and buying property together yada yada.

He wanted to talk more about his concerns and that included how just the idea of marriage worried him due to his last marriage. I told him I was hurt and that he shouldn’t be talking about marriage with me if he has issues with marriage in general. He got further hurt and now I’m questioning the whole relationship. He went on to say how much he loves me and how he sees us getting there but I’m hurt and confused and feel strung along.

No he has never proposed but we’ve chatted about it and he admits he shouldn’t have brought these marriage/property talks up. I’m beyond irritated. I don’t know where to go from here. Please help 😔

TL;DR! - after dating over a year, NOW he says he wants to be open to discuss his concerns about marriage….but has been happy to chat about marriage with me all this time. Confused AF…

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowawayRa_84765 on 2024-01-21 15:34:50+00:00.

My (f42) husband (m44) and I have been together for just over 20 years and have small children (all under the age of 10). Just over 3 months ago my husband confessed to having an affair with a close friend of his. It was someone he has known for many, many years- about the same length of time that he has known me. The affair lasted almost two years but I imagine that perhaps there was emotional cheating going on beforehand for goodness knows how long.

His plan initially was to leave our marriage. After confessing the details of the affair to me he also shared everything with his parents/close friends, even his colleagues at work. He had made plans to leave, going as far as signing a lease for a place, furnishing it and paying upfront a years worth of rent (money he was able to have access to by remortgaging our home). He was fully set on starting a new life.

I urged him to stay and give our marriage a chance to be saved, I felt we owed our relationship of over two decades that chance. It took a lot of work convincing him but he ended up deciding to stay. And in the end, it was his decision to stay, and since making this decision he has said over and over that he is exactly where he wants to be -with his family.

Since making the decision to stay, he has cut off contact with his affair partner (AP) and he has been no contact since. This was about 12 weeks ago. There are a few red flags in that he hasn't deleted her number, neither has he stopped following her on various social media platforms but -most importantly- the communication with her has ended completely. The reason why I know this for sure is because of the radical honesty he demonstrates in marriage counselling. He talks openly and candidly about her in our sessions to the point where I find it triggering, but I understand that open communication is going to essential when it comes to rebuilding our marriage. I have to emphasise again that although he needed to be convinced to stay, I can see he is committed to rebuilding our marriage. He wants it as much as I do.

Something that he has brought up earlier on in our counselling sessions and brought up again very recently is his desire to have a friendship with his AP. He says because they were friends prior to cheating he would like for them to still have a friendship. I have said I'm not comfortable with that, I said it the first time he made that suggestion and he brought it up again just a few days ago.

I am worried how this might impact our marriage if he is permanently cut off from her and I am unsure on what to do.

TL;DR: My husband cheated on me longterm with a good friend of his, he is desperate to still have a friendship with her.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/clarazenger on 2024-01-21 14:50:45+00:00.

This has been an ongoing issue for a while now.

For context:

• My main ex, George, is no longer in the picture. My bf knows him and doesn't mind him at all.

• The relationships my bf is most concerned about were me having an affair with my manager just after college while in a relationship with George which lasted for most of the duration of that relationship.

• I also towards the end of that relationship had an affair with a married high value client, "Damian". He's in his 40s, successful, really nice guy. His wife has no idea, and we both agreed to end it after six months since he had a new baby and there was too much at stake. No one else knows.

• George has no idea and still has no idea and I have no intention to tell him because of the emotional damage it would do.

Both of these were long ago (>2 years ago) though I do still irregularly see both of them in a professional context. But I am a totally different person now and would never do anything like that again. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year, and it's been pretty amazing. I love him so much.

Anyway, my boyfriend saw a couple of messages from Damian on my phone (even though we ended things he still messages me on instagram / messenger and text sometimes. We were and still are good friends, so I do reply sometimes to let him know how I am. We've had a phone call or two as well after I stopped replying to his messages for a while and he called me to check all was well).

My bf said he wasn't happy with that, but I showed him the messages and ended up telling him about both of those relationships, because I think it's important to be upfront and transparent in relationships (having learned from my mistakes).

He was quite upset and was worried I had been taken advantage of / just couldn't understand, but I reassured him it wasn't the case, I just made some bad decisions. He was upset but seemed to get over it, though he became more worried about my phone and in the end I told him the passcode to it so he can look at it whenever he wants to to show him I have nothing to hide. He at one stage said that I should tell George about it (which is never going to happen) and that I should talk to my parents about it (he said that having that sort of secret puts distance between us, and if we ever have relationship difficulties in the future, he said he wanted there to be someone for us to talk to who was 100% on my side, but also fully aware of previous drama. I told him I wasn't going to do that because I don't have that sort of relationship with my parents, even though I love them and are very close to them). He hates secrets and I can tell it's the secrecy that bothers him, since he said he 'had no problem with me sleeping with my manager / clients, though that's obviously not a good idea in the first place. The problem is that I was lying to the person I supposed to be in love with while I was doing it.'

And I said I totally got what he was saying, but I have changed since then and would never do anything like that again. Obviously, because I can see myself marrying him and would never want to hurt him or jeopardise having a family with him!

Fast forward a few months and it comes to a head when we're hanging out watching a movie and a couple of messages from Damian come though. Totally innocent things (he replied to one of my insta reels and also sent a text asking how I was doing). My bf went all quiet, then kind of angrily asked me why I didn't just block him, and why I was even still in touch with him. I told him I wasn't going to just block him, and explained that I never reply to his messages, but he's still my friend, and it would hurt his feelings to block him, and also would potentially make things awkward in my work / professional life. He just withdrew emotionally and went all moody and it basically ruined a perfectly nice evening together. I've never done anything to make him question my loyalty to him - I can see myself marrying him, I love him so much - but this still feels like a cloud hanging over our relationship. He says he trusts me, but at the same time I feel this putting a strain on our relationship.

I suggested that I might meet Damian in person to explain that my bf isn't comfortable with us being friends and that he should stop messaging, but that just seemed to make my bf even more upset. It's exhausting.

So basically, what can I do to help him get over this issue and stop him being upset about my past, and explain to him that I'm a different person now?

TL;DR: I made mistakes in a previous relationship and cheated with multiple people. How can I reassure my boyfriend that I've changed?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Geofftheape on 2024-01-21 13:01:19+00:00.

So l've been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years, he ex husband was a coke head and ended up going to jail for 3 years, as he was 16 times over the driving limit, when he got pulled up on COCAINE The marriage was on the rocks a year, or, so before they split up, he basically filtered all their savings awsy sniffing drugs and she only found out before it was too late and the money had gone They split up, she moved out and he went to jail, l understood the situation and ran with it and it's not been an issue until now

Now, the stipulation from his parole officer is that he has to be supervised, or in another adults company while he sees the kids for a period of time, which is unknown until the parole officer is happy he us not using drugs again, apparently he's turned a corner and with good behaviour it could be 2-3 months where he doesn't have to be accompanied by an adult, he has no relatives or friends that live near the kids and his main familiar is is Scotland and his kids are 250 miles away from Scotland if he moved up there, so it makes sense to be done where near ATM he's in a hotel near by So the only person who can accompany him until he's been a good boy is my girlfriend his ex

So he came out on Thursday and saw his kids Friday, which I didn't know about, my girlfriend rang me today and we got talking and as I'm at work, 1 asked her what she was doing today, she said she s going to ask her ex if he wants to go for a walk, so I said that's a bit weird, then she said it s with he kids, I told her l'm not happy with the situation but understand it, on Friday he went to her house and had a Chineese with the kids, she wasn't going to tell me about him going to the house and it and it was only until I asked a few questions, I manage to get it out of her that he had a Chineese with the kids and she said she didn't sit with them, I told her the situation is weird, I told her I dint think he should be at hers PEROID and she should accommodate him some v re else, it's her daughters birthday next week and they are all going out together for the day, for a hour or so yes but all day, l'm not sure about that.

I'm unhappy with the situation, I do get whats happening, l've not shouted or lost my temper, I just find it weird that they are spending all that time together and not just limited time to accommodate the kids. M12 F14 She's told me she would rather be ironing but he want to see the kids, but am I overreacting being upset and curious Thoughts on what to do appreciate, personally I feel like telling her we need a break until it sorts itself out, if it doesn't then it was the right decision

TLDR exs husband has come around and not sure what time do

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Artisblarg on 2024-01-21 10:45:38+00:00.

Honestly my boyfriend has been yelling at me a lot lately and I’m really scared I’m in an abusive relationship. He is also very sweet and I love him very much and we work together and travel a lot.

I have a pitbull and we let her run around without a leash on a piece of land we live on pretty much every day. Out of nowhere he suddenly got so upset that I let her outside without a leash because he suddenly felt she could be a danger, he thought somebody might be outside but I checked before letting her out and nobody was, and even if somebody was outside, he has no reason to think she would attack somebody for no reason… aside from the fact that she’s a pitbull.

It just feels like he used this as a random petty reason to release frustration onto me. It really really hurts and I don’t think he feels sorry at all, he got mad because I disagreed that what I did was unsafe. Even though I was sure there was nobody outside and I only let her out for a minute, with my eyes on her the entire time.

It’s just weird. Makes me feel like he’s going through something and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t want to end my relationship but the way he has been acting is making me feel like I need to and it sucks.

Any advice? How can I fix this? How do I approach him about how wrong this felt of him to do when he’s had such a short fuse lately? I don’t deserve to be treated this way.

TLDR: I let my dog out on our land without a leash, same as always, and my boyfriend randomly freaked out and yelled at me saying I’m awful and she could be a danger to somebody even though she has never been aggressive to anyone. How do I get my boyfriend to quit treating me this way??

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LazyCat1301 on 2024-01-21 10:45:22+00:00.

Original Title: My boyfriend [24M] is distancing himself from me [22F] after he learned about my sexual past. He wishes to take some time apart, not talking to forget about it. How should I proceed with the relationship once we talk again as this feels like I'm being punished and ostracized for my past?

Some background information: I had a past (4-5 years ago) where my sexual activities were quite adventurous during my late high school and beginning college years as I was still trying to find myself. I have mentioned this to my boyfriend from time to time, and he was fine with it all those times. We have been together for 3 years.

On to the matter at hand. On a date recently, we were talking about some adventurous sexual activities, having a laugh as he usually does which then reminded me of the fact that I used to do something of that sort during the timeline I mentioned above. I just went into detail very briefly and after that, my boyfriend got very quiet. I knew immediately it was because I talked about it. The rest of the date was me trying to cheer him up, trying to ask him if he was mad about it, and him responding very little, almost none but still going on said date.

When we went back home, after texting here and there, he told me that he needed time to process the information I just told him. Even though he knows about my past sexual activities (as I told him several times) and he accepted them, the details of them really bothered him. He said that he needed time to process it. He assured me that he still accepted my past, he just needed some time to himself so that he could forget about what I told him.

I respected his wish and stopped texting him, after explaining why I told him - as I have told him about in the past and he was okay with it, I thought he was fine with it and told him about it as a fact about my past. I thought he was open enough to hear about it, I thought I could be comfortable around him to tell him about such things but apparently, he was not ready.

Right now, my mind is conflicted. Though he said that he still loves me and accepts me, the fact that he had to take time off the relationship to process information about my past made it feel like he's ostracizing me for something I cannot change, for someone I no longer am. It's as if I'm being punished for my past. I know he needs his time but still, this hurts me so much. I opened myself up to him about my dark past because I believed that he would accept me, but now I'm being punished for doing so by being left alone.

He said that accepting and processing information is different. He can accept it but he needs time to process it. How can he say he accepts it when he is distancing himself from me? Why does he need to forget about it when he says he accepts it?

My question is: When we come back and talk again, how do we deal with it moving forward? We would not be able to act like we used to.

Do you tell your SO everything about you? Did that ever backfire like it did with mine? Some stories about this would be greatly appreciated.

TL;DR! Even though my boyfriend accepts my adventurous sexual past, once I told him the details briefly, he was so bothered that he asked for some time off the relationship by not talking to me for a while. I feel like I'm being punished by being left alone for my past that I no longer am. I don't know how to proceed when we talk to each other again.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Frequent_Hunter9578 on 2024-01-21 10:33:03+00:00.

Hello,

Asking for a wider opinion, fake names used. Around 4 years ago, I (31m) moved into a house share and met Kelly (30f), one of my new housemates. I was freshly out of a disastrous relationship and, perhaps unwisely, within a month began sleeping with Kelly. Although we initially agreed it would be a casual arrangement, after around 3 weeks Kelly implied she wanted us to enter a relationship at some point. Although I felt she was very nice, I didn't feel strongly enough to want this and I told her I didn't want to be in another relationship so soon after my last one. Kelly and I agreed to end our sexual relationship before things went any further so that we could remain friends and not make living together uncomfortable.

I continued dating and, around 2 months later, I met my current partner, Lisa (29f). Although I didn't intend to enter a new relationship so soon, I fell in love with Lisa and have been incredibly happy with her since, she's wonderful and the love of my life.

In the initial months of dating Lisa, Kelly expressed she felt a bit sad seeing Lisa and I together and I agreed to try my best to keep the relationship out of Kelly's face as much as I could. Kelly still had feelings for me which were stronger than I realised (I was surprised to learn she'd spoken to her family about me) and I didn't want to hurt her. At one point, ~2 months after starting to date Lisa, Kelly asked me why I didn't want a relationship with her and I told her honestly I didn't think we were compatible in the long term. Although sad, Kelly seemed to accept this.

I was open and honest to Lisa from the offset about my past and brief relationship with Kelly, and about Kelly still having feelings for me after we broke up. Lisa would be friendly with Kelly when we would do group events/get togethers (with all of my house share; Lisa didn't live with us but was my +1) but had what even she would acknowledge was an irrational dislike of Kelly, which I think is understandable and common when dealing with an ex of your partner.

After ~6 months, Kelly told me she was happy for me and Lisa and that she had moved on emotionally. Kelly and I became good friends over this time, talking every day after work (as we still lived together.) This felt platonic and there was no sexual aspect to our friendship.

Lisa's feelings regarding Kelly remained the same but she accepted our friendship as she trusted me; Lisa acknowledges she has some trust issues after being previously cheated on by an ex-partner.

Eventually, after around 1 year, Kelly planned to return to her home country. On her last evening in the house, Kelly and I had a plan to watch an in-joke film together as a send off but Lisa felt uncomfortable and basically invited herself and crashed it, feeling insecure about Kelly and I watching a film alone in our living room. Lisa quickly became embarrassed after doing this and apologised to me; I reassured her and she stayed for Kelly's leaving do, the three of us watching the movie.

Kelly then left the country and I haven't seen her again in person since then (3 years ago). However, we have continued to occasionally message and have a video call every 3-4 months for a general catch up, asking about each others careers (we find each other's work interesting) and families etc.

Although Lisa doesn't have a huge problem with me still speaking to Kelly and has said she would never ask me to stop, she has expressed feeling uncomfortable about our ongoing friendship. I've spoken to her multiple times about this to understand why - although she trusts me, ultimately, Lisa says she doesn't "trust" Kelly and thinks Kelly never stopped having feelings for me, based on her general impression of Kelly's behaviour around me back when we lived together.

I view my friendship with Kelly as purely platonic, and I never feel that Kelly acts inappropriately or says anything implying she still has feelings for me during our calls, it's just a nice catch up with a friend. I'm glad Lisa can be honest to tell me how she truly feels, but I really don't like making her feel insecure, even though I feel it's unfounded.

As a result, I've deliberately neglected my friendship with Kelly over the last year, leaving it longer between calls because I worry about how it makes Lisa feel. Lisa has never asked me to stop talking to Kelly, and I tell Lisa every time I speak with Kelly, which is every 3-4 months. However, I feel sad about this as I like speaking with Kelly, who I think is a really lovely person and I don't think has done anything wrong.

The situation is causing me stress and I'd like advice on how to manage it going forward. How should I handle this? It would make me sad to end my friendship with Kelly and, again, Lisa has never asked for this, but would it be the right thing to do to make Lisa happier? Am I being unfair in expecting Lisa to accept me remaining friends with Kelly? And also, Kelly may visit the country again some day (no current plans,) would it be unfair of me to ask Lisa if I can see her again?

Thank you in advance, first post here so apologies if any faux pas'!

TLDR: My partner, Lisa, is uncomfortable that I want to remain friends with my ex-partner, Kelly, and I'm unsure about what the right thing to do is.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/redditor_12375 on 2024-01-21 07:57:21+00:00.

My girlfriend(19F) and I (19M) Have been together for a year and a half. Usually we are fine but she becomes extremely mean and hurtful to me on her period. I understand Women go through struggles us men don’t and we have to be extra caring and patient but i wanna know what the limit is to us being patient and understanding. My girlfriend constantly tries picking fights with me on her period and when i don’t give in she gets even more mad. I don’t understand it. For instance my friends and i have been planning a trip for months and i asked my girlfriend for permission to go multiple times and she said it was cool for me to go. As I was planning the trip I even let her pick the date of the trip so it could be convenient for her on a day that i’d least likely be able to see her so i wouldn’t lose a day of hanging out with her. The day before the trip (it was her time of month)she begins getting mad at me for going on the trip even tho i asked her multiple times if she was okay with it. I couldn’t obviously cancel at that moment because everyone paid money for the trip and was depending on me to drive them in my moms SUV. She ignored me the entire 2 days of the trip and once I got back began fighting with me for going saying she didn’t want me to go and accusing me of cheating even tho I was texting and calling her to update her on the entire trip to no avail. When i was trying to talk to her about it she kept yelling but I was trying to talk in a calm voice as to not increase the tension and she got even more mad at me because i was being “condescending and was acting like a therapist” even tho i was just trying to understand her and not feed into fighting. In another instance she got mad at me because i wouldn’t argue back with her. Is it normal for women to be like this during their time of month? should i just be patient with her? When i tell her how i feel about she just plays it off calling me less of a man because i don’t just take the things she says to me.

TL;DR: My girlfriend gets extremely mean to me on her period and tries starting fights for almost anything I do. Is this normal because it’s her time of the month?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ExpatWaw on 2024-01-21 07:13:11+00:00.

Tldr: Wife has been hiding messages, sex toys, emotional and probably physical affairs but doesnt want to divorce, what do?

Im really confused what to do. Ive been married for soon 7 years, together since highschool.

But over the last year or more she has been really distant, no physical affection, working long hours, always typing and smiling at the phone and constantly sitting in such a way that nobody can see her screen. I had my suspicions but figured she was reacting to me being unemployed for a few months and her focusing on career over relationship.

This changed however when she immediately after a business trip told me she wants to be alone. And very strongly insisted that there is no relationship that she wants to move on to despite me not asking the question, in my.mind all but confirming some kind of infidelity.

After processing for a few weeks I asked if she is truly not committed to the relationship and if not we should divorce. She seemed surprised by this and did not say she wants to try but also did not say she wants to divorce either. I got the impression she wanted to keep things as they are, or have an open marriage.

Most recently I found evidence that she has been deleting phone activities, buying and photographing sexy lingerie that she keeps a secret from me and purchasing (several!) Sex toys which she also hid from me and even has expressed she wouldnt be interested in playing with. Also I found unusual search history on our shared computer about spit roasting, rimming, bukkake which are out of character for her, making me think she is researching someone else fetishes.

So I told her I want a divorce and am only willing to give it a try if she is open and honest with me. She denied everything until and unless i could put evidence right in front of her face. And later the following night she was very physically affectionate and close, but still denying everything. I even tried to give her an out of me finding it hot if she is sexting someone else but staying with me, but still she claims toys and clothes and pictures are just for her.

I feel really torn, I dont think I can ever trust her again. This is the 2nd time she has been sexting outside the relationship but last time she did not cover her tracks so I felt I was able to deal with it. However since I mentioned divorce, she is very sexual, close and attentive which is really all i have been lacking for a year or more.

I could really use some external points of view: Should I try to move on and enjoy what is good and give her one more final chance? Or should I just call it quits as she is constantly proving I cannot trust her?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/matmikus on 2024-01-21 06:56:42+00:00.

Sorry if this is very unstructured and over-detailed, this happened pretty recently and I've got many thoughts that I haven't been able to sort out yet.

Yesterday, my girlfriend of 3 years and I were supposed to see each other and from the start of the day, I got pretty weird vibes from her messages. When we met, she said she wanted to take a break for several reasons. This came as a shock to me, since except from the messages, I had absolutely no indication of it coming. One reason was that recently she's been studying a lot and she's been very stressed from school and work. The other is that there are some pretty big differences between us, such as her being a culture lover, often going to theatres, museums, ballet and such - I'm not a particular fan of any of those things, but at least every once in a while, I try to join her if something is happening that might interest me at least a little bit and she asks if I want to go. Me on the other hand, I just want to hang out with the people I love without regard for the location as long as it's not too loud or expensive and it's not something I straight up don't like (ballet, theatre). That leads to us commonly seeing each other at our houses or on walks in the city, which I realize might not be ideal for her, but in my defense, we only see each other 2 times per week at most and usually only for around 3 hours. I don't want to spend the little time (imo) we have doing something I don't enjoy. I would like to see her more frequently, but she doesn't have the time because she studies and works a lot (which she doesn't have to, she has close to zero expenses) and I believe that if we could see each other at least 3 times a week, I wouldn't have a problem "sacrificing" one day a week doing something she wants to do. We had talked about this problem several times but never really found a solution since it would either require me to change what I like doing in my free time or for her to find more time for our relationship.

She said that this hasn't bothered her that much before, but lately it's been bothering her more and wants to take a break to see if she is overthinking it and if it's something that she can live without, or if it's really something that would be a deal breaker in the long run. I find that to be pretty fair. What I find weird is that the day before, she texted me that her parents proposed for us all to get wine together on the night of this talk, and asked me if I was interested, I said yes and she said she would let her parents know. Does that mean that she wasn't going to want to take a break the day before she did it, and only took the time to think it over yesterday?

When I asked her if there was anyone else, or any other reasons involved, she said no and I believe her. She said she has no intentions of seeing anybody else and that she really just wants to be alone, but that if I were to explore, she would respect that. She also said that she really intends for it to be just a break and that she wants to continue the relationship after. I didn't have much to say, since I was in shock, and the reasons she gave kind of made sense. Apparently, she feels the weight of the problem is bigger when she is alone and has the time to ponder about it more, but then every time we see each other she realizes that I'm great (her words) and it would be stupid to end it over a problem that doesn't seem that important (until she starts thinking about it alone again and the cycle continues). She cried and said that it felt like she was being stupid and making a mistake, but that it had to be done.

I also have some stuff that I don't like about her, but every time there has been a hardship in my life, be it in our relationship or in other areas, I always came to the conclusion that her little imperfections didn't matter, hard times had always shown me that what ultimately mattered to me was that I had her and I made sure to tell her that yesterday. We aren't supposed to communicate at all for the next month. When we said goodbye, I expected to go home and cry a lot, since I still mostly think that it's over, but I haven't really been feeling that sad, mostly just confused. It feels humiliating to be on a break you didn't want and you just have to wait for the verdict, as if you were in court. As much as I respect her reasons for the break, I can't help but feel it is kind of selfish of her, as she could have told me before that she was considering this and perhaps we could've prevented it. Is it a bad sign that I don't feel that sad? Maybe I don't actually miss her that much? For full transparency, she is both my first girlfriend and sexual partner and since I'm 22, I have wondered for some time if I really want her to be my only until I die, and this both feels like the end of something good, but also like the start of other opportunities arising and me being able to have experiences, which I might regret not doing when I'm older.

Once again, I'm sorry if this post is a mess, English is my second language, I'm sleep deprived and my thoughts are racing, I still feel like left out so much. But thank you for reading this far.

I'll be glad to hear what other people think - is there any chance the relationship survives? Thanks a lot.

TL:DR: my girlfriend of 3 years suddenly wants to go on a break, I'm 99% certain there isn't any cheating or whatever involved, but the suddenness of it has got me feeling confused, and I'm not quite sure what to do now.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/gregv2 on 2024-01-21 06:44:56+00:00.

I’m a lot older than my GF and I feel bad that she’s wasting her best years with me.

First, we’re awesome together and we love each completely. We’re both divorced, she’s 40 and and I’m 64.

I’m not a typical 64. People think I’m way younger based on my physical appearance.

She is also a young 40 and incredibly attractive.

Our kids (both from earlier marriages) are adults and all are successful.

We’ve been together for 3 yrs and have a wonderful lifestyle. We’re basically living a blessed life with money, friends, family and the ability to be together without any incumbencies.

We’re both completely committed to each other. When I had cancer last year, she stuck by me with no hesitation. We support each other in all areas endeavors and look for ways to elevate one another.

Given our age gap, it’s likely I will start the “check out” process well before her and leave her as a widow although we’re not married.

I’ve expressed my concern that she’ll be left alone in her 50/60s and she doesn’t care because I make her happy.

I get it and understand, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m stealing her best years.

Should I accept this and continue with our relationship or do I walk away and let her find someone younger?

It would kill me to have to give up someone who is so wonderful and perfect for me but I care so much about her that I only want the best for her, with or without me.

TLDR; I lover but I feel like I’m wasting her best years with me. Should I stay or release her?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/plainjanev2 on 2024-01-21 06:27:18+00:00.

I need some advice on what to do and/or what do you think in my situation.

my partner and I have been together for 5 years now (we are of the same age) for the past 2 years, I’ve been bugging him to have a baby but he keeps on stalling that by saying we are not ready to have one yet because of having a low income and I am not healthy yet. my body clock is ticking, I'm past the high pregnancy age range.

1. I don't have a pre-existing condition, I'm just overweight.
2. Our combined income is enough to have a comfortable life. I pay for household expenses (rent, water/electric utilities, and groceries) he pays car-related expenses and food deliveries. WE Both give our parents, 10k each.

Sometimes, I want a princess/Queen treatment. I want him to want to give me flowers but nada. I want him to volunteer for household chores but nada. I want that under ni misis vibes but nada. Just recently, I was hurt because he teased me about my minor insecurity (that I know he likes about me) in front of our guy friends. One friend even said ‘I can’t even say that my GF’. He always wants to portray a dominant in our relationship.

I love him and I know he loves me. We are at the same wavelength on humor and intelligence, we can talk about anything under the sun. we can tell each other’s crushes, how the day went, what’s our opinion on viral topics on Soc media, or any hypothetical scenarios. We are happy.

TLDR: I want a baby this year and my partner doesn’t want to have one yet. We are living comfortably and happy

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Uno_LeCavalier on 2024-01-21 05:55:34+00:00.

I am 50 and my wife is 47. Happily married for 20 years. We are soulmates.

We have always been stoners. I like to say that I knew she was the one for me when she showed up on our dates with her own weed.

My wife and I have always been on the same page with drug and alcohol use. 12 years ago when it was clear that we drank too much, I quit and months later she followed my lead. We’ve been alcohol-free ever since and our lives improved immeasurably by our decisions to quit drinking. Cannabis was a pretty important tool in helping us give up booze.

We are both employed and doing well, have two well-adjusted teenage kids, and caretake for my mother-in-law who lives with us (she largely is able to pay for her own expenses). I make about $145k/year if my bonus is good and my wife makes about $30k/year. We definitely live comfortably, but the mortgage, college savings for two high school age kids, food for a family of five plus two dogs and two cats, the invariable unexpected expenses, and rising costs all around don’t leave us much room for extras. The one thing we spend on as a family is skiing - we all have season passes and ski almost every weekend during the season. In today’s dollars we are pretty upper middle class, but in the grand scheme of things we are rich by any realistic relative measure.

I stopped using cannabis 5 months ago after an adult lifetime of heavy daily use. I just needed to know what it was like to be truly clear-headed and to understand what exactly it was that I got out of smoking weed. As I turned 50, I also was starting to worry about the long term health effects and the financial sustainability of a daily habit. As it turns out I wasn’t getting much from it - it’s great for about 30 minutes after your first session of the day, but then you’re just chasing maintenance and making yourself tired. I haven’t missed using at all, my energy levels, decision making, and emotional stability have improved, and I’m saving a lot of money.

My wife continues to be a heavy daily user. She vapes from morning to evening to the tune of about $350/month (More than 10% of her income!). Now that I am removed from my own habit, I worry about her heavy use for the same reasons. She’s heavily self-medicating and spending the vast majority of her waking day stoned. I’m pretty sure it tends to make her more prone to easy irritation and likely saps her energy, but it’s such a constant that I don’t have any baseline of comparison. Moreover, as we look eventually towards retirement, that kind of habit simply isn’t practical from a fixed-income financial perspective.

I want to talk to her about all of this but I don’t want to come across as a recently sober holier-than-thou type. Having lived that life with her for 20 years, I get it. But we’re in this squarely middle-aged portion of our lives where we need to grow and evolve to keep ourselves as healthy as possible and maintain a sound financial footing.

I’m struggling to find a starting point for discussion. I’m an attorney, and no matter my intentions or the validity of my message, these kinds of situations invariably turn on the delivery of the message rather than the content. I am a truth-teller, and it turns out that people don’t generally appreciate it when you give it to them.

This community is great for fleshing out issues and finding all the nuances, and helping folks to see different perspectives. I’m hopeful y’all can help me figure this out, and I truly appreciate everyone who takes the time to respond.

TL;DR Long time married stoner couple. I quit cannabis 5 months ago for health and financial reasons, but my wife continues her heavy daily use. I am concerned for her and want to discuss it, but don't want to come across as a holier-than-thou newly sober guy. I would like some help finding a good approach to initiating discussion.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/lifedragon1012_E on 2024-01-21 05:51:06+00:00.

So I can only ever play games with my friends, which is almost the only time I play due to outside circumstances, after 9pm because they often don't want to or have something to do, but my gf only wants to call usually after 9pm, I've tried suggesting the I'll be open before then no matter what, that even if she called at 8:59pm I'll pick up and stay on, but she won't accept it, she's tried to say that we can swap and I get on with them before 9pm and after I'm all open, but as I've said, that can't work due to pretty much just life.

Gaming has been a big part of my life ever since I was probably just a toddler, so it's just integrated into me, it's also how I unwind from the day if anything happened or to just recharge since I'm kind of an introvert. But she's not a gamer in the slightest and is much more of a lover, and don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, but she insists that I be available to call at anytime of the day, which I honestly just can't do. She's suggested that I sacrifice weekends to call, but weekends are really the only time I can get on with friends because on weekdays they're doing something or just don't want to get on. So I feel that weekends are too valuable to give up, please tell me if I'm wrong about that though.

I've tried to think of something that would work for both of us, but I just can't. Can anyone please help?

Edit: OK, I think we've found a compromise. I have game time from 8pm-11pm, before and after that I'm open to calls.