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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowawayRa_84765 on 2024-01-21 15:34:50+00:00.
My (f42) husband (m44) and I have been together for just over 20 years and have small children (all under the age of 10). Just over 3 months ago my husband confessed to having an affair with a close friend of his. It was someone he has known for many, many years- about the same length of time that he has known me. The affair lasted almost two years but I imagine that perhaps there was emotional cheating going on beforehand for goodness knows how long.
His plan initially was to leave our marriage. After confessing the details of the affair to me he also shared everything with his parents/close friends, even his colleagues at work. He had made plans to leave, going as far as signing a lease for a place, furnishing it and paying upfront a years worth of rent (money he was able to have access to by remortgaging our home). He was fully set on starting a new life.
I urged him to stay and give our marriage a chance to be saved, I felt we owed our relationship of over two decades that chance. It took a lot of work convincing him but he ended up deciding to stay. And in the end, it was his decision to stay, and since making this decision he has said over and over that he is exactly where he wants to be -with his family.
Since making the decision to stay, he has cut off contact with his affair partner (AP) and he has been no contact since. This was about 12 weeks ago. There are a few red flags in that he hasn't deleted her number, neither has he stopped following her on various social media platforms but -most importantly- the communication with her has ended completely. The reason why I know this for sure is because of the radical honesty he demonstrates in marriage counselling. He talks openly and candidly about her in our sessions to the point where I find it triggering, but I understand that open communication is going to essential when it comes to rebuilding our marriage. I have to emphasise again that although he needed to be convinced to stay, I can see he is committed to rebuilding our marriage. He wants it as much as I do.
Something that he has brought up earlier on in our counselling sessions and brought up again very recently is his desire to have a friendship with his AP. He says because they were friends prior to cheating he would like for them to still have a friendship. I have said I'm not comfortable with that, I said it the first time he made that suggestion and he brought it up again just a few days ago.
I am worried how this might impact our marriage if he is permanently cut off from her and I am unsure on what to do.
TL;DR: My husband cheated on me longterm with a good friend of his, he is desperate to still have a friendship with her.