Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ChardOk6123 on 2024-01-24 17:57:40+00:00.

We have been dating for a year, exclusively, and we are not seeing or dating other people. He is very open about his depression and says that putting the label of boyfriend is too much pressure because due to his depression and avoidant attachment he feels like he cannot meet boyfriend duties properly. He is in therapy and works on these things, but says its still work in progress. He is very open to me and told me he never deleted his dating apps and sometimes swipes for validation. He is reluctant to delete his profile because it makes it official to him. He showed me his apps and I see he does not reply to any messages, but still it does not feel good to me. Apart from the above, all the relationship is wholesome, we are very open with eachother. we are supercompatible and the best communicators. In the beginning of the relationship I was fine with going with the flow, but after 11 months, I come to the point that I understand he cant be a proper boyfriend but would rather be fully committed and deal with his depression as a team. I feel ready to be boyfriend girlfriend.

Should I wait for him to be ready or end things?

TL;DR Guy im seeing since 11 months does not wanna make our 1 year relationship official due to mental health issues. He struggles with depression and avoidancy, he is in therapy. Should I wait for him or end things?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Content_Ad8542 on 2024-01-24 17:31:53+00:00.

My mom is being very weird about my upcoming wedding.

I (29F) and my fiancé (28M) got engaged in December after a little over 2 years together. We are currently in the wedding planning process, and while it is a lot of work, compromising, and some fretting; we are nonetheless very excited to be married in (likely) 2025.

My mom (early 70s) has been weird about the whole engagement and and wedding stuff. She kept asking me if I'm "sure" that this is what I want, if I was going to have a long engagement, and things like that.

After Christmas, my friends booked an appointment for me to look at wedding dresses since I had absolutely no idea what I wanted. I didn't expect to find "the dress", but I did. My mom lives several hours away and can't drive long distances so she obviously didn't come. I told her about the dress and sent her a few photos. She said she didn't like it and nothing else. My feelings were obviously hurt, as every young woman wants their mother to think they look beautiful in their wedding dress. I didn't text back for a couple weeks.

Now, my long-time best friend has agreed to fly out to be my maid of honor and I am so excited. I thought I would break the ice between my mom and I and texted her the news. Radio silence from my mom.

This is a major milestone, and I feel very iced out by my mom, who I would normally say is one of my best friends.

Some things that might be relevant to what's going on: 1) She and my dad had a horrible relationship with an extremely messy divorce. 2) My mom and dad only got married because she got pregnant, and she was 7 months pregnant during her wedding. 3) I am an only child.

For myself and my fiancé: when we first moved in together, we had a rough patch. We almost broke up, but I gave him a second chance. Since that rough patch, he attended therapy and we have been doing very well ever since. He is very loyal and faithful. He is extremely loving and dotes on me. He has supported me at my absolute worst and has believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. He tells me he loves me every single day, multiple times a day. We share household duties equitably. We have agreed on kids, how many we want, how we want to raise them, and when we want to have one. He is extremely financially literate and we have agreed how we want to handle our money. We both have very good jobs with lots of additional earning potential; I am a lawyer and he is a software engineer.

We will be getting secular premarital counseling together, seeing a financial advisor together, and be getting a prenup. I say all this to paint the picture that we are two extremely competent adults, who have thought about this, can run a household together as a team, and are very much in love. My mother knows all of this information.

Has anyone delt with a parent who did not seem super enthusiastic about their wedding? Did something ever come out of it? This doesn't seem normal to me, but I have no idea how to even start addressing it.

Tldr; my mom is being distant and cold about my upcoming wedding even though my fiancé and I ready, are good for each other, and love one another.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/SadUniversity5763 on 2024-01-24 17:31:19+00:00.

This is a bit of a story. So I’ll start from the beginning.

Theres this person, we’ll call him N. He’s always been there for me, and always listens to me, and gets my point of view. We are part of a larger friend group with two other people, S and H. We played competitive games together, the four of us and an extra person. This person shamed me in front of other people, and generally always found something to not make my life any easier while we were in practice. I had a really hard time, for months, because I tried to stand up for myself, but no one really got it because they were all friends with this person except for me. I saw right through him I guess. Anyway, I got fed up of trying to say the issue to them. And I left the group. Really suddenly. I just said one day, “I’m out”. No explanation, no nothing, but they could imagine it was because of this person. I talked with N and he understood where I was coming from, he just said the way I did it was not right, which I admit, it was not. He told me to apologize to S and H, and I did, however, I never felt like I got an actual apology from S and H. They were only there to listen to my apology. I thought, well, it’s over now, so I won’t have to worry about this again.

Fast forward a few months later, I’m talking to them again but more so as a friend, less a teammate. I start liking N, and he likes me back too. I thought it was fun, until S and H hang out with him, and whenever it’s the 4 of us, I was the one who had to say anything to start doing something, the 4 of us I mean. N and I start talking a lot, and I’m not sure what happened to H. He mentioned to N that he was worried that N and I were spending a lot of time together and that we were matching profile pictures in discord…which I find to be odd, because why are you worried about that? H and S said that our relationship wouldn’t work in the future. (we weren’t even dating) and they said this to N and not me. I only found out because N told me himself. And these friends never texted me first or told me anything. I don’t get why they had to go and tell him this when it wasn’t their business. Anyway, he believed them because it was a lot of people telling him that things wouldn’t work out (lot being H and S) and he believed their side. I didn’t, because I had hope. We stayed in a call for a while, just, being in each other’s company while I tried to process all of this and he always asking me, “Tell me what you’re thinking, how you feel” and I told him that I couldn’t trust H and S again.

( I found out that S had been talking with my ex about my relationship for almost a month, and she never told me. It was my ex who told me. So, I already didn’t like S at this point. )

I text N 2 days later, and something must have happened because he started being really passive aggressive with me. I felt really alone in that moment, he was angry about what I had said, (not trusting H and S anymore) and he asked me, “if you really cared about me then why didn’t you text me sooner”. Which just made me even more confused because I was trying to process everything (the fact that my friends had talked behind my back and that they never texted me first) and just wanted to make sure how he was doing. But it was like I was a complete stranger to him. It felt really cold. Anyway, as I said, I just felt betrayed by everyone in general, and I blocked them. All 3 of them. I had already allowed myself to be disrespected enough. And I couldn’t take it with them trampling on me so much. Even N. Because I don’t feel like I deserve that attitude. If he has a problem then just say it directly. It’s not hard and it saves so much hurt. A bunch of stuff happens and somehow my ex is in this group now.

He’s probably making me the bad one right now, even though I sacrificed myself for that relationship, just as I had done with this group of friends.

N keeps reaching out to me, he’s hurt, because I completely blocked him from everywhere. But, I’m not sure why he is still trying to talk to me. He said that friendship looked complicated but he wanted to talk when I first blocked everyone. But now, he’s trying to reach out to me. He’s making small talk. Isn’t everyone talking bad about me with him? Why does he keep trying? Why hasn’t he given up and just listened to everyone else?

I’m so confused because he always listens to H and S, but I feel like it’s different with him I suppose.

Tl;dr : My friend keeps supporting me but is associated with friends who hurt me , hurt me at some point and is trying to talk back to me again. Wants to talks things out too. And apparently I also hurt him …

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/AnonymousNeverKnown on 2024-01-24 17:30:52+00:00.

Gonna keep this short and simple if possible. My parents have been separated for about 3 years. I currently live with my mother(56f). There are many reasons for the divorce. My father(59m) can be a very mean man to say the least. He can be very emotionally unavailable and he's a very prideful individual. He's also a strong atheist while my mother is a devout Christian. My mother told me that she had checked out of their marriage when I was 12 years old but she stayed with him because my grandmother. My father's mother developed Alzheimer's. There was a 8 year period from between when my grandmother symptoms first appeared to when she finally passed away. After she passed away, my mom filed for their divorce. And I can't help but feel that during that time my father had a chance to make things right, but didn't. In the final year of her living in the house, there was constant arguments in disputes. My father vented to me a lot about how upset and angry he was my mother. So much you'd think he would hate her. In fact, he told me that once.

Now in recent months he's begun reaching out to her apologizing, saying that he wished he had worked harder to make the marriage work. And since I live with her. I keep being caught in the middle of this situation. It's stressing me out and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm honestly thinking of moving out because I just don't want to be around for this anymore.

TL:DR: My dad is trying to win my mom back after the divorce. But she's not interested in him at all. I'm getting caught in the middle of this and it's stressing me out.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/KimJongYoul on 2024-01-24 17:29:45+00:00.

TD;LR : I am in a situation with someone who feels something very confused for me, i am not sure how to navigate through it properly.

She texts me everyday, multiple times. Even double text sometimes if i don't reply. She is the one that initiates it 9 times out of 10.

She said she likes me but does not want to deal with her own feelings right now.

When i withdraw my attention, or when there is an "argument" and i pull away, she is apparently really sad and does not deal with the distance that i put very well. In those moments, she is the one that ask for us to talk, and try to repair the thing.

Early january, i did not contact her in a week, we did not see each others in a month at that time, she was angry at me, even her best friend was acting weird because there was a thing without me even being aware of.

She "needs" me, but at the same time, does not want things to progress with me.

When there is an argument, she tries to repair our "situation", but things do not change, as long as i am back "here", it seems fine for her.

According to her best friend, she often talks about me, and often pull out from her purse a lil gift i had for her that she keeps in it.

Still, she is very defensive towards me and struggles to open up.

Last week end, she has been going through something very difficult, and has been seeking my support as she often does when there is something.

The attention she likes to receive from me, is some kind of boyfriend type of attention.

Sometimes, she gives me some GF type of attention aswell. By the way she worries for me, ask me to tell her when i arrive home, worry if am not cold, or that kind of small things.

I trust her when she says she likes me, but i see it mostly by the way she tries to hide it. She does not act with me like with her other friends. She is more cold, less nice, more defensive.

I also don't think she only wants my attention, she wants it and needs it but, there is something else. It's like, she wants me to be there, and does not want to loose me, but does not want to win me either.

When we go to party together, sometimes she will come to dance close to me, take my hands and put them around her, and then, a few sec after, realizes what she is doing and remove my hands and leave.

I never chased after her. But i like her.

My needs are not being met.

Should i pull away completely so she cans figure herself out ?

Thank you for reading me, and for your precious advice. It's the first time i am in this kind of situation.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/xxlikescatsxx on 2024-01-24 17:06:15+00:00.

tl;dr It's taken 7 years begging him to go to the dentist. We're finally there because he's in terrible pain and I'm stressed.

Like I said, it's been years begging. Pleading. Making appointments he refused to go to. "I'm fine, I'll go when I need to."

Well now he's got a massive cyst and abscess. He hasn't slept for days. I was able to get him to go, I'm in the waiting room while he's texting me that he wishes we never came because the xrays made it hurt worse.

I feel like he's about to dip out and run away.

Like, I get it, I have severe dental anxiety. But this is just so stressful. I wish they would just knock him out and fix his teeth.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Independent_Sell_588 on 2024-01-24 16:45:43+00:00.

My (20F) boyfriend (22M) asked me to delete a picture of myself on my instagram. To be fair, the picture is me in a swimsuit from behind, so my ass is pretty visible. The picture was posted 1.5 years ago, long before I even knew of his existence, let alone were dating. I was actually with my ex at the time of posting. He asked me randomly this morning to delete it because he felt uncomfortable with other guys looking at my ass. I expressed that I didn’t want to delete a whole insta post just because of one picture and that since it was from when before I even knew him, I didn’t really want to do it. I also didn’t post the pic for male attention, I posted it because I looked good. I told him that it felt controlling. However, I don’t want to cause a fight so I told him I’d delete the picture. Can’t tell if this behavior is controlling/results from insecurity or not. He isn't typically controlling or but he resents the fact that I'm attractive and other men lust over me. I think he lets it get to his head sometimes. Is he controlling for telling me to delete it? Or am I being defensive for not wanting to delete the picture?

tldr; my boyfriend asked me to delete an instagram picture of myself and I can't tell if the behavior is controlling or not

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/quietpurplebear on 2024-01-24 16:32:19+00:00.

So my husband [m45] and I [f30] had already argued a number of times yesterday.

After the kids were in bed I got on with house jobs. He did the same but on another floor of the house. By 11pm I decided it was time to chill out for 20-30mins before bed.

I felt guilty for not really interacting much so I went and offered to spend some relaxed time together.

He said "ok" and went back to his job. Now this sometimes means "yes" and sometimes just "I heard you". I've played this game before - if I ask for clarification I'm pressuring him, if I go and patiently wait for him I'll be sitting there for 10+ minutes, if I wait but do something he'll say "I thought you wanted to do something together!".

It's like every option is an opportunity to argue. I'm exhausted.

So I go upstairs and play my video game (it's something that can be stopped and put down within a minute or so). Sure enough he comes up 10 minutes later, goes and pours himself a beer and checks his phone.

When I see him actually coming over I go to pause and save but I'm in a loading screen so I have to wait ~10 seconds.

Anyway that's enough time for him to sit down and shoot me a look of "why aren't you paying me attention?".

So I say I'm stopping and I explain it's not instant because of the loading screen.

He looks at me "confused" and says he doesn't understand.

He also plays a game (Mario kart) a lot so I compare it to trying to pause before a race starts (you have to wait for the countdown "3..2..1..go!" Before the system allows you to pause).

He says "I have no idea what you're talking about"

I remind him he often needs to pause because he's realized he needs to change the settings but has to wait until the countdown is done.

He says "what countdown?"

I explain the concept again.

He says "I never saw any numbers". He repeated this sentence over and over again after this, no matter what evidence I brought out.

He got so fixated on these "numbers" that the point was totally lost. I couldn't bring the conversation back around to just the concept of needing 10 seconds to pause and save.

Look, if he said "oh yeah, I forgot there are numbers on the screen, I remember now" all would be fine - memory lapses happen - the conversation could move on. The insistence that he NEVER saw the numbers which was so weird...it was lying...so yes, I called him a liar.

Big mistake.

He's furious now, storms off saying"I'm not going to sit here and take this bullshit!"

I was confused and exhausted so I went to bed.

This morning he stands in front of me and says "so you're not going to apologize to me?" I don't say anything and he starts muttering about how I won't even talk to him now.

I ask him to explain what he's upset about. He goes on about how I called him a liar.

Again I stare at him, I'm speechless.

He starts...smiling? Like a nervous grin...like he's been caught in his lie and he can't keep up the face anymore. Then he suddenly snaps back into serious/angry and dives into last night's argument all over again.

Eventually he storms off again when he realizes I'm not going to apologize or pretend that he's telling the truth.

It's gaslighting, right? But why? What does he have to gain from it...it's exhausting.

How do I fix this?

Short term I'll just lie I guess and agree with him and apologize. Long term...I'm getting tired of this.

TL;DR: I think I'm being gaslit, I don't understand why or what to do about it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/amadeuslanyard on 2024-01-24 14:30:20+00:00.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years and I've never been so in love and happy with someone. It feels like I've got my best friend forever. We've recently moved in together and it's been great but I'm starting to realise I'm not getting everything I need from the relationship.

He never flirts with me anymore, not in a sexy or romantic way. He never feels like he has to "woo" or "seduce" me and I really wish he would. I need this in a relationship because it keeps things exciting and fun. I miss the early days feelings of excitement. Now he'll almost only suggest sex in a gross or jokey way, never actually making me feel turned on about the idea of it.

I've spoken to him about this already but nothings changed. I love him so much, but I'm missing the flirtiness I crave. How can I have a better conversation with him about this?

TLDR; My boyfriend doesnt make me feel sexy or wanted anymore. I wish he'd flirt with me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThickAvocado3774 on 2024-01-24 14:00:44+00:00.

Ok, I'll try to keep this short. My father (77, M) is dating a woman he knew tangentially from high school. He has been very secretive about this relationship, has lied to me multiple times about how long he has been talking to her. She has blocked me (specifically, I know because my husband can see) from seeing anything she posts or reactions, etc, on Facebook.

She lives a few hours away with her son (45,M), who has to wear an ankle bracelet due to many convictions of battery, assault and battery in front of children, intimidation, and burglary. She lied to my father and told him she had no idea her son was court ordered to live with her, the court did it on their own. My father is frail and wealthy. He has stressed how wealthy he is to this woman. They have broken up and gotten back together multiple times. They have never met in person.

I noticed on Christmas he took pictures of my children (19, 12, 10, female) and was sending them to someone. It's this woman. We have a birthday coming up very soon, and I am extremely uncomfortable with him sending pictures of my children to this woman. I'm concerned that she and/or her son can see location from these pictures. I don't even post pictures of my children on Facebook because of this concern.

How do I ask my father to not take or not send pictures of my children to her? He is not very rational when it comes to this relationship. He has told me that all of her son's charges are "nothing to be concerned about" but as a mother, I am concerned. Am I being crazy here? How would you phrase this to your parent? I don't want to offend him but I want to protect my children. Thank you so much for any advice.

TLDR: Father is sending pictures of my children to a woman he has been talking to that I don’t trust who has a son living with her convicted of assaulting women (in front of children) and burglarizing. I am concerned.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/notyouraverage_nerd on 2024-01-24 12:54:35+00:00.

My girlfriend will often get upset with me for refusing to get something at a store or say no when she asks to go to a store that’s about a half hours drive away because I’m trying to save money when I can, even if it’s on gas. While I do want to mention I do often find things on sale or even free whether it’s in the area or at a store that I do get for her or to have in the house.

I also want to preface this with the fact that I do buy maybe 90-95% of food that we get, only because I ask her to help a little since I do buy just about everything, (food or the occasional date night) all the time.

Now, as I work full time in the trades, when I’m not burnt out from working all day, I try to work on my house which has been never ending. I am fairly capable of doing most of this work myself (which seems to have become a problem lately) but it does help since I’m trying to save around $10,000 (for something way beyond my skill set) and I won’t have to pay anyone else to do the work. That said every other week or so we go to the store for tools or supplies to work on whatever this months project is, which is when I prefer to go to stores to window shop, her knowing full well I won’t be buying anything and on occasion she will actually buy something, though be upset about it.

There is a part of the house that I have finished that we do hangout and sleep in, since we are young adults (23&26) and want our alone time away from our families to relax and decompress on the weekends, hence the almost weekly food shopping that we do.

I got this house by myself around the same time we started dating (2 years ago) just out of coincidence and pay the mortgage and bills myself with no expectation of her to help pay for any of it since we’re not living together.

I have tried to have this conversation with her multiple times pointing out that I have bills, I have a mortgage and I travel for work (though I have been laid off for a few months) I do have a full time job and 2 on and off part time jobs to make money and do as much side work as I can. She lives with her parents, has a car (rarely ever drives) and part time job and rarely ever spends money so she has 2-3x more money than I have saved up for herself, which I want to mention doesn’t bother me.

We generally have a really good relationship, both of us coming from bad past relationships and rarely fight or have any arguments, but when we do I’d say 80% of the time it’s about my finances and why things aren’t getting done while also pointing out that I never spend money on her and she always has to make it a point to say, well I always have to lie to my family about your house because they think you’re house is done and you’re living here now.

I don’t want to break up with her but I just don’t know what to do anymore because nothing has been working. It’s weighing heavily on me because I don’t feel appreciated for any of the work I’m trying to accomplish all by myself and feel like I’m just being used as a pocket book for her personal adventures. What can I do to help her understand the severity of the situation more and hopefully resolve this reoccurring problem?

Apologies for the story bouncing around, hard to compress this story into a readable version.

TLDR: My girlfriend always gets upset and starts arguments because she always asks me to buy her things when I have a house that needs about $10,000 worth of work before we (assumingely) move in.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRa_34556 on 2024-01-24 13:29:49+00:00.

My (42f) husband (44m) and I have been together for over 20 years. We have 3 small children, all under the age of 10.

About 4 months ago he confessed to me to having an affair with a close friend of his, a friend he has known for almost the same length of time he has known me. They have always been very close, seeing each other at least once per week, talking every single day. I naively saw them more as siblings than anything else. I saw her as a good person to have in his life, she had helped him through some of his dark times in his life. My husband has been clinically depressed for the past 8 years.

The affair had lasted almost two years but I suspect there was some form of emotional cheating which perhaps lasted longer. Initially, he had intended to leave but I wanted us to give our marriage a chance. He was giving up too quickly. He agreed that for the sake of our children, it was worth trying to save.

This was end of October. Since then we have been in marriage counselling, weekly sessions. We have both felt things have been going really well, we had some nice weekends all together as a family, intimacy between us has improved and we're having more honest communications.

Since the new year, my husbands mood has shifted slightly and he seems a little withdrawn. He has been NC with his friend/affair partner since he made the decision to stay. Although, I am pleased that the communication between them has come to an end, he never blocked her/deleted her number. And recently I have noticed he has began reengaging contact with members of her family (liking and commenting on insta pictures, that sort of thing). He has never been close to her family members so this interaction between them confuses me. Why is he reconnecting with these people?

He has also always insisted that at some point he would like to reestablish some form of friendship with her again, he's brought this up in marriage counselling and I have explained that I am not comfortable with that but he had brought it up a few times since.

I recently went through his phone and he had messaged her just last week telling her about the discussion we had during our marriage counselling, that he is still "fighting" for a relationship with her.

I understand that the no contact is such a vital part to reconciliation and I am so worried it isn't going to work out. He says he is happy he has been given this chance to rebuild his lives with us but then his actions suggest otherwise

TL;DR My husband cheated but is not following the basic rules required for reconciliation

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Rare_Agent_1897 on 2024-01-24 13:16:58+00:00.

Hey all

I've been seeing an amazing woman for almost a year. Things have progressed pretty quickly, we've both been through the mill and have a good idea of what we want after all.

She has kids that don't yet know about me so I didn't see her last weekend but we text a lot. On Sunday morning, she sent a flurry of messages saying she'd spent the morning reflecting a lot about where she was in life. I asked her if she wanted to share anything (she brought it up after all and this is very much in keeping with conversations we've had). She said she needed to think about but seemed weirdly intent on insisting I had nothing to worry about etc. Again, I didn't really think about it.

Fast forward to Monday (date)night and there was a weird atmosphere from the moment she walked into the restaurant. We had a nice enough time but when I suggested she was a bit pre-occupied, she gave a response along the lines of "I know you were anxious and upset that I was a bit distant over the weekend but sometimes I just need to prioritise myself". I was completely bamboozled, I hadn't even really noticed any significant change in her behaviour.

We ended up having a long and pretty frustrating conversation about this that spilled into the next day. My take is that maybe she just needs some space, or that maybe I've gotten a bit too carried away in some respect but she seems unwilling to tell me how she feels and reverts to telling me that I'm pissed off about her pulling away (which I hadn't even noticed in the first place). Up until now, everything was amazing, now I'm not sure what the fuck to think.

I've asked her and she's apologised and expressed regret but I still don't know what's going on. Any ideas? I kinda feel she's trying to ask for a bit more space but I don't understand why she doesn't just ask for that rather than trying to tell me that I was the one with an issue? I feel pretty scared honestly

tldr - amazing relationship up until, suddenly she's pointing out that I was annoyed that she needed space but I didn't even really notice. Am I doomed?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/GainingPeace_1111 on 2024-01-24 13:16:57+00:00.

My boyfriend has a long time female friend whom I've met. He has expressed she has been an important part of his past. This has included them being sexual a few times as well as both wanting to date but at different times -it never worked out due to some big issues between them. Not my favorite dynamic but I also believe men and women can truly be just friends as I have a handful of male friends (although none have ever been sexual). When I met her there were a few points that showed me she didn't respect our relationship and a few that were just woman's intuition. However, I trust him even if I don't her so I've delt with my own insecurities here from my own past as he's different than my past and I felt comfortable and encouraged the friendship because it's important to my partner. I'm mostly secure in relationships and uber secure with myself.

I trust that he is in love with me and wouldn't cross that line, however he shared with me recently that on multiple occasions she has expressed/tried to get him to be with her and he stated that he was in love with me. During this conversation it also came out that the majority of their conversations revolve around a sexual nature and "jokes".

It took a couple days for me to process my feelings but when I did I expressed how this made me feel devalued, sad, and disrespected. I also expressed that while I can't make him stop the sexual conversations that him being clear with her that he's not interested(as he's said to me) and him stopping the sexual conversations would make me feel more secure, valued, respected and that he respects the relationship.

He initially agreed and said he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. Then after a bit more conversation it was clear that he really "didn't get it" and asked me if I just wanted him to cut all contract off with her. I said no I didn't because they have been friends for many years and they should have a plethora of other things besides sexual conversations they can discuss. He then brought up how the sexual nature is "just her" and that she's "having a hard time right now" and "free speech is so important" and that "he likes to talk about sex with a friend". I didn't really respond to these statements just listened.

It's only the sexual nature conversation I'm uncomfortable with at this point because it's VERY clear she doesn't respect our relationship.

My question comes here: I've set my standard and what I need to feel secure, loved, valued and respected in terms of this dynamic. Yes, he could lie but I will NOT snoop and only want to practice honest communication. So How do I "check in" to know if this is being respected? How long do I wait after this initial conversation to "check in"? Because this isn't a boundary that will be clearly seen in the course of our relationship and it is a 100% deal breaker for me. I will not move forward with a man that is willing to spend time and energy on sexual conversations with someone who doesn't respect our relationship but I will not "force" anyone to be anything other than what they want to be/do. So I need to know/follow up so I can make my determination.

TL/DR: When is it appropriate to follow up on a boundary request that was set?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/WingNo3234 on 2024-01-24 13:12:20+00:00.

My partner and I have been together for about 18 months. We're very alike, to the point we sometimes clash with each other by both being strong headed. However she's a lot more outgoing than I am, meaning she's often out drinking and partying while I am not.

A while back, on one of these nights she kissed a mutual friend of ours. She told me about it and said that they didn't kiss but it came close. The friend told me that they did in fact kiss. I let that go and said that a drunk kiss isn't going to destroy our relationship, but she should stop hanging around with him one on one.

Fast forward to last week and she was once again out with that same group of friends and told me she'd invited that same friend round to hers, alone, late at night.

I was pretty pissed off by this as the line I'd drawn had been crossed, so we argued, and eventually a few days after I ended up, believing I was saving us both a lot of hassle in the long run, as if she carried on like this, it will happen again and again and only get worse. She insisted nothing happened and nothing was going to, but more than that I'm upset she crossed the line I'd set and didn't seem to care. Was this the right thing to do?

TL;dr - ended things with my partner as she brought a guy back to her place that she'd kissed in the past.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Nervous-Text-9632 on 2024-01-24 12:39:48+00:00.

Boyfriend referred to me as a “friend” when talking to an online girl

Hi! Seeking advice. My [25F] boyfriend [24m] have been together for about 2 years now and met online around 8 years ago through an online game.

We’ve had some ups and downs but lately the relationship has been great from my point of view. But I came across something slightly worrying and am seeking advice on how to handle it or if it’s even worth mentioning.

My boyfriend met an online female friend through a different game but has since halted his playing. Though he no longer plays he still talks to the female friend now and then.

While using his computer (he gave me permission) discord popped up with a message with her saying hi from yesterday, he did not reply. However in the same chat you can see him talking about a trip him that him and I took together. It was a road trip about 40 hours where he mostly drove.

Here’s where things get strange. She asked if he was going on the trip with anyone and he said “just a friend”. Referring to me.

It should also be noted that the chat was muted and the chat had previously been deleted. I know this because he often plays games on disc while I watch and she hasn’t been in his recent chats for like a year from what I can remember.

This could be because about a year ago I opened their chat in front of him and asked why he was referring to her as “QT” which usually means “cutie”. This was resolved as it turns out it was a part of her username.

Should I be worried about this? Last time they talked before her recent message was in November. Everything seems friendly but that comment left me with a strange feeling.

Tl;dr : boyfriend has an online female friend he talks to occasionally, referred to me as his friend when she asked about a trip we took.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Emergency_Soft8443 on 2024-01-24 12:37:58+00:00.

td;lr girlfriend texted outside of her last relationship

Hi,

I have been dating my gf for around 6 months, and it's been the best connection I have had of any relationship and we are utterly in love with each other. Today, she revealed that a guy DM'd her who she used to be 'friends' with, she never replied and made a joke like 'hes getting ignored' when he text.

She then claimed that she met him on app for threesomes with her ex, and that she text him for around a year whilst still with her ex, and that her ex knew about it to a certain degree (though im not sure to what degree this was). A friend of mine also said that she was at a party when she was with her ex, and asked another guy in the room to have a threesome with her and her then ex, though did not consult him and they had a fight at the party that everyone knew about.

I don't really care about someones sexual past or whether she was in a relationship with someone and they enjoyed having threesomes. My issue with learning all this is that she seems to have a tendency in the past to involve/text men outside of the relationship in her past. I also know that around 10 years ago she cheated on her first partner.

Should this be something I need to consider or keep an eye on, or should I take someone at face value and not by their past. I'm ready to settle down with someone and it might sound tedious or even a tad insecure but I just don't want to fuck about or ignore potential red flags.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LittleAd9739 on 2024-01-24 12:37:30+00:00.

TL;DR: i say the backstory of how I like this girl and what I’ve done before.

This is my first time posting so if I write anything wrong feel free to tell me. I am a male and I really like this one girl in my class, I used to like her a year ago then stopped and now I like her again more than ever, my best friend said I should make a move but every time I get paralyzed with fear and what if’s so once my best friend went on my chat/gmail account (I gave him my password), and we had a class earlier that day and I was in the same class as my crush then we had to make something, now back to the texting, my friend wrote “Hi I really liked what you made in class” and the second I saw he did it I got so paralyzed with fear about what would happen and if everyone would find out about my crush so I quickly deleted the message and contemplated my life choices for a while, she didn’t see the message but I still wanted to be brave enough to be able to send that message without wanted to delete straight after but I never did anything and I just get more scared to text her as I’m pretty sure that she likes my other best friend(who previously liked her) so I’m just getting more and more scared to even try and do anything. Any advice on what I should do?

TL;DR: i say the backstory of how I like this girl and what I’ve done before.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/plumeriia on 2024-01-24 11:39:11+00:00.

tldr: Lack of communication and energy wrecked my last relationship, and it’s about to tank my current one. It always happens at 7 months. Has anyone managed to save their relationship from sinking after problems started coming up?

I (21 F) am currently in a relationship that’s on the fence with my boyfriend (26 M) of a little over 1 year.

I’ve had 2 long-ish relationships in the last 3 years. And I notice that at around the 7 month mark it just isn’t the same anymore. And this is true for my current relationship.

I think it’s because at this point we’ve picked up on the aspects of the other person that we have difficulty dealing with.

And on top of that, at around the 7 month mark my boyfriend also got majorly depressed. I don’t take this lightly and I’ve held my compassion for him as best I can. But it gets lonely.

I’m an anxious individual and over think a lot. I’ve been trying to be receptive of his feelings and hardships with his depression. But there are instances where I need my feelings cared for too. Every time I open up about it he gets turned off by the topic and gets upset and tells me I ruin his mood.

I look at our initial messages and gifts from before the 7 month mark and I wonder where that man is.

I know I can get in his nerves and be inappropriate with my timing with expressing my feelings. But we can’t seem to communicate to better handle instances where our personal grievances turn into a fight.

Has anyone successfully experienced a turn-around in a relationship in this state?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/emillindstrom on 2024-01-24 11:25:27+00:00.

Hello everyone,

I wanted to share something that's been on my mind lately and get some advice. Overall, the relationship between me [35m] ]my partner [35f ] is great, but there's one aspect that's been causing me some anxiety. We live together with our 4-year-old daughter, and a few weeks ago, my partner and daughter were away for a couple of days. When they returned, my partner was disappointed in me for not taking better care of our home, addressing some specific things she asked me to handle before they left.

I did complete the tasks she assigned, but I must admit I neglected some general tidying up. I felt ashamed because I value keeping our home in good shape, and I know it's important to her. I didn't think much of it at the time and took the opportunity to rest and do other things. I've reminded myself to establish better routines for tidying up, but I admit I can be a bit distracted and may not always notice when things are amiss.

My partner later apologized, citing various reasons for her emotional reaction. I promised to improve my tidying habits, and I genuinely have been making an effort. However, I've noticed that she can still get upset if I happen to overlook something minor. I'm not sure how to navigate this situation.

Here are my questions:

1. What can I do to become less distracted and gain better organization and insight into maintaining our home?
2. Is it reasonable for every small oversight to be pointed out, considering I won't be perfect? How can I address this without seeming like I'm avoiding responsibility?

I appreciate any advice or insights you may have. Should I also mention that I may not achieve perfection in this aspect? Thanks!

TLDR:

"I've promised to get better at tidying up at home, but I'm unsure about what steps to take for improvement. Additionally, I want to avoid feeling like I'm doing something wrong, no matter how I approach it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAy1410 on 2024-01-24 11:51:32+00:00.

Just looking for advice as I feel I've massively screwed up.

****TL;DR;**** I messed up and now realise all the mistakes I made while we were together, I want to work on these and prove to him I will do better.

Throwaway account and a couple details changed as he has reddit. Me and my partner have been together a while, we live together. Recently we separated and I know it's my fault. I have a lot of past trauma that I've been trying to work on for the past couple of years. The majority of my relationships have been unhealthy and that's lead my good qualities to fade.

After my last relationship I was single for 3 years, in that time I realised what I wanted in a relationship. In those 3 years I had tried to talk to people but I could never catch feelings for them, it wasn't what I wanted.

Fast forward I met my partner, it was an instant connection, we laugh together, we support and show love and kindness in all areas. Our relationship has been incredible and I'm so happy to have him in my life. We love each others families and that's a huge deal to me. Things have been difficult recently. Due to my past issues I had trouble with certain things, I now realise how much I screwed up and want to be able to fix it. So here's some things I have realised.

1. I was cheated on in the past, this led me to believe I wasn't good enough, I was always scared that if my partner went out drinking, he would end up cheating on me. I have always had trust and faith in him and knew he never would. It was just a horrible thought that lurked and so sometimes I wasn't completely comfortable on him seeing them, this has led to him feeling like he's neglected them.

2. He feels as though he's neglected his family, I blame myself for this also as I don't feel I put as much effort in as I should have. I again love his family and enjoy their company, he has a new niece whom I adore.

3. My communication sucks, I grew up in a household that was always arguing and slamming doors, speaking to each other in a vile manor. As I grew up I think this impacted me as I thought this was normal, I know it definitely isn't. Any arguments me and my partner had would upset me to the point I would yell and I feel so ashamed of that. My family has never been good with apologies or showing love but that's the person I want to be.

4. I don't take others opinions into account as much as I should. My partner always wanted to watch certain things with me but because I didn't want to, we wouldn't and that was so selfish of me. I love doing things that he likes. When we got together he wanted to get me into Pokémon and I downloaded it for him, so we could play together. I really enjoyed that.

5. I didn't respect his religion. I'm not religious in any manner, believing in anything is difficult for me, even though I would like to. Hs family is religious and it's important to them, we spoke about marriage and I was adamant I wouldn't have a wedding involving his beliefs. This was horrible of me and now looking back I know I didn't take his feelings into account. In my mind weddings aren't all that important to men but I now realise It's a day for us. For us to celebrate all parts of each other and I'd love nothing more than to make that compromise for something he believes in.

6. I put myself down too much. I don't exactly like what I see in the mirror but then again I don't think a lot of people do. After having a hard talk with myself, I know I'm enough. I know my past isn't who I am anymore and I'm not going to let that take over.

7. I push people away. I pushed him away many times, if I was upset I never wanted to burden him with that. I would try to push him away while what I actually wanted was for him to stay. Like in arguments in the past I've said "I'm leaving the house". When in actual fact I wanted to stay, I wanted to apologise and fix it.

It shouldn't of taken losing him to realise all the mistakes I have made and think I started to understand a month or two ago, I want to have faith it's not too late. I have never felt this way about anyone, he's everything I've wanted and will want. We have a great relationship all bad times aside. I know I horrifically fucked up and should of noticed my problems earlier, but now I feel as though I'm in a place where I do understand how I hurt him and can do better. I don't want the life I had as a child, I don't want heated arguments, I want a loving home. I'm mature enough now to admit when I'm wrong. I understand how to better myself. We have been in our own little bubble and I understand now the importance of breaking out that bubble and doing things we enjoy together, on our own or with others.

This is a love I don't want to give up, I knew from very early on that he's the one. I've been trying to put the effort in since the break to show him I'm changing for the better. We've had heavy conversations in the past but always got through it, I think that led to me not putting in enough effort on myself. I didn't think it would end so didn't take those steps to better myself, but now all I can do is hope it isn't too late. I know how to improve, I know I need to take accountability for my actions. I guess I just want advice on how I can get this back.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/DisastrousDare5998 on 2024-01-24 10:49:30+00:00.

My Wife had an affair

My wife(23F) had an affair with one of my coworkers/close friend. I (22M) was planning a party with a group of my friends/coworkers for new years. We all pitched in to buy a hotel for the night and planned to go bar hopping. I came down with Covid a few days before and decided it would be best if I didn’t go. My wife decided to still go since we already paid money and she wasn’t around me much while I was sick. That night she got drunk and took mushrooms with my friend. After everyone came back to the room and was already hammered they turned out the lights and went to bed. She then had sex with my friend that she took the mushrooms with. All my friends knew about it and agreed the next morning that it would be the best idea not to tell me. From there a month goes by and I am none the wiser. My wife grows a little more distant and starts sleeping in a different room in our house. She starts becoming addicted to a game called wizard101 and joins a group chat on Discord with a bunch of people. One night about a week ago I walk by her room as I’m getting ready to go to bed and I hear a video playing. I walk in to turn it off and discover she is on FaceTime with another dude and they both fell asleep. I had a bad feeling about that so I go through her phone and I discover she had been flirting with him for a couple days and talking dirty to eachother. I confront her and she is very dismissive at first but she tries to make things better and I forgive her. After that though my trust with her broke a little bit. I checked her phone again two days later and found out she broke it off with the one dude and started flirting with another. I confront her again and we seem to make things work out. My trust broke a little more and I told her I wanted to go through her phone more often. She warned me not to go through her messages with one of her girl friends because they talks about me and she wants that privacy. I agree but after a couple more days(now this evening), my curiousity get the best of me and I discover that in her texts with her friend she had sex with someone and she says his name in there(my coworker). I decide to give him a call away from my wife and he tells me everything. He tells me how they were drunk/high and they had sex. He tells me that everyone there that night knows and decided it was best not to tell me. So I just confronted my wife about it and she tells me the truth and apologized saying it was a mistake. She wants to work on things but with all the factors considered I don’t know if our marriage is savable.

TL;DR; How can I trust my friends or even my wife anymore? Any advice? Also I left out some parts due to personal reasons about why ending my marriage is almost an impossible thing for me to do but if I absolutely feel that I have to I may.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwra_89j on 2024-01-24 08:56:54+00:00.

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years and before me she had been in 3 other relationships. She hasn't had any contact with any of her exes while we've been together. One of them added her on facebook and instagram a couple of weeks ago. She told me and didn't accept the request.

He then messaged apologising for adding her and just said he hopes she's well. She told me about this and said she hates being on bad terms with people and asked if I was okay with her messaging him back to let him know how she is and to say she hopes he's well. I told her I did find it weird that she wanted to reply but I can't stop her from messaging anyone.

She then mentioned a couple of other messages he sent and what she said in reply. We then went away on holiday and she said he mentioned that he'd asked her to let him know when she arrives safely. She again asked if I was fine with her messaging him to let him know. I said I again found it weird and that I don't want her spending the holiday messaging her ex. She said she wouldn't be and it would just be 1 message.

When we got back home he messaged again and she asked if it was okay for her to reply. This time I told her no. I said I thought I was fine with it but that it makes me uncomfortable and that I do find it weird that she cares this much about messaging her ex. She said I was going back on what I said but I just repeated that I'm setting a boundary now. I said if she wants to keep messaging her ex she can be single and do it but that I'm not going to just sit back while she enjoys catching up with an ex boyfriend.

She said I should just trust her and that I shouldn't be telling her who she is allowed to talk to but I just pointed out it seems suspicious that she cares this much about talking to an ex boyfriend that she clearly doesn't care about how it makes her actual boyfriend feel.

She said that I was unfair to say that and that I'm being too harsh towards her. I'm not really sure what to do or how to handle this, does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?

tl;dr my girlfriend said I was being controlling and should just trust her when I said I'm uncomfortable with her regularly talking with her ex

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/MaterialIndividual10 on 2024-01-24 08:14:47+00:00.

I’m not a native english speaker so bare with me.

I got hurt when my girlfriend joked about leaving me for someone better, where I even reacted that the joke was really fucked up but she thought that I was just “riding along” with it. I tried to become cold and distant to see if she would ask if I was ok but that didn’t happened, instead, she reciprocated my feelings and became cold and distant herself. This made me angrier than before and I don’t know if I should break up with her or talk to her about it? This is the third day since we last talked to each other.

Tl;dr: My gf joked about leaving me for someone better and I was hurt because of that.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Product_of_80s on 2024-01-24 10:46:11+00:00.

I always think about her and him holding each other, kissing her, having sex with her, holding her hair, i just find it all so hard to deal with that she will treat him different to me, it feels so unfair, I did all the hard work for someone else to just come into our lives and ruin it.

She cheated on me in August 2023 for this person, she is now showing him off like a prize to everyone, and I can't do anything to get her back. I miss her so much and just want my life back. She was beautiful, great boobs, great ass and a cute face. For a 36 year old woman she looked incredible. I miss feeling happy and confident with her.

I ask myself all these questions like what if he's better than me, what if he's better at sex or she enjoys it more with him, what if she always wanted to be with him and I was just a stepping stone to get there. What if they will be together forever. What if I never hear from her again. It drives me crazy.

TL:DR ex of 7 years cheated on me, she is now in a relationship with the guy she cheated with. 6 months on I can't get over how she will treat him different to me, she has never cheated on anyone before so I feel like this was a one off and she will change herself for him. I can't stop thinking about how happy they are whilst I am in hell dealing with low self esteem, insecurity and the constant image of them having sex, in my mind.