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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ExpatWaw on 2024-01-21 07:13:11+00:00.
Tldr: Wife has been hiding messages, sex toys, emotional and probably physical affairs but doesnt want to divorce, what do?
Im really confused what to do. Ive been married for soon 7 years, together since highschool.
But over the last year or more she has been really distant, no physical affection, working long hours, always typing and smiling at the phone and constantly sitting in such a way that nobody can see her screen. I had my suspicions but figured she was reacting to me being unemployed for a few months and her focusing on career over relationship.
This changed however when she immediately after a business trip told me she wants to be alone. And very strongly insisted that there is no relationship that she wants to move on to despite me not asking the question, in my.mind all but confirming some kind of infidelity.
After processing for a few weeks I asked if she is truly not committed to the relationship and if not we should divorce. She seemed surprised by this and did not say she wants to try but also did not say she wants to divorce either. I got the impression she wanted to keep things as they are, or have an open marriage.
Most recently I found evidence that she has been deleting phone activities, buying and photographing sexy lingerie that she keeps a secret from me and purchasing (several!) Sex toys which she also hid from me and even has expressed she wouldnt be interested in playing with. Also I found unusual search history on our shared computer about spit roasting, rimming, bukkake which are out of character for her, making me think she is researching someone else fetishes.
So I told her I want a divorce and am only willing to give it a try if she is open and honest with me. She denied everything until and unless i could put evidence right in front of her face. And later the following night she was very physically affectionate and close, but still denying everything. I even tried to give her an out of me finding it hot if she is sexting someone else but staying with me, but still she claims toys and clothes and pictures are just for her.
I feel really torn, I dont think I can ever trust her again. This is the 2nd time she has been sexting outside the relationship but last time she did not cover her tracks so I felt I was able to deal with it. However since I mentioned divorce, she is very sexual, close and attentive which is really all i have been lacking for a year or more.
I could really use some external points of view: Should I try to move on and enjoy what is good and give her one more final chance? Or should I just call it quits as she is constantly proving I cannot trust her?