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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Uno_LeCavalier on 2024-01-21 05:55:34+00:00.
I am 50 and my wife is 47. Happily married for 20 years. We are soulmates.
We have always been stoners. I like to say that I knew she was the one for me when she showed up on our dates with her own weed.
My wife and I have always been on the same page with drug and alcohol use. 12 years ago when it was clear that we drank too much, I quit and months later she followed my lead. We’ve been alcohol-free ever since and our lives improved immeasurably by our decisions to quit drinking. Cannabis was a pretty important tool in helping us give up booze.
We are both employed and doing well, have two well-adjusted teenage kids, and caretake for my mother-in-law who lives with us (she largely is able to pay for her own expenses). I make about $145k/year if my bonus is good and my wife makes about $30k/year. We definitely live comfortably, but the mortgage, college savings for two high school age kids, food for a family of five plus two dogs and two cats, the invariable unexpected expenses, and rising costs all around don’t leave us much room for extras. The one thing we spend on as a family is skiing - we all have season passes and ski almost every weekend during the season. In today’s dollars we are pretty upper middle class, but in the grand scheme of things we are rich by any realistic relative measure.
I stopped using cannabis 5 months ago after an adult lifetime of heavy daily use. I just needed to know what it was like to be truly clear-headed and to understand what exactly it was that I got out of smoking weed. As I turned 50, I also was starting to worry about the long term health effects and the financial sustainability of a daily habit. As it turns out I wasn’t getting much from it - it’s great for about 30 minutes after your first session of the day, but then you’re just chasing maintenance and making yourself tired. I haven’t missed using at all, my energy levels, decision making, and emotional stability have improved, and I’m saving a lot of money.
My wife continues to be a heavy daily user. She vapes from morning to evening to the tune of about $350/month (More than 10% of her income!). Now that I am removed from my own habit, I worry about her heavy use for the same reasons. She’s heavily self-medicating and spending the vast majority of her waking day stoned. I’m pretty sure it tends to make her more prone to easy irritation and likely saps her energy, but it’s such a constant that I don’t have any baseline of comparison. Moreover, as we look eventually towards retirement, that kind of habit simply isn’t practical from a fixed-income financial perspective.
I want to talk to her about all of this but I don’t want to come across as a recently sober holier-than-thou type. Having lived that life with her for 20 years, I get it. But we’re in this squarely middle-aged portion of our lives where we need to grow and evolve to keep ourselves as healthy as possible and maintain a sound financial footing.
I’m struggling to find a starting point for discussion. I’m an attorney, and no matter my intentions or the validity of my message, these kinds of situations invariably turn on the delivery of the message rather than the content. I am a truth-teller, and it turns out that people don’t generally appreciate it when you give it to them.
This community is great for fleshing out issues and finding all the nuances, and helping folks to see different perspectives. I’m hopeful y’all can help me figure this out, and I truly appreciate everyone who takes the time to respond.
TL;DR Long time married stoner couple. I quit cannabis 5 months ago for health and financial reasons, but my wife continues her heavy daily use. I am concerned for her and want to discuss it, but don't want to come across as a holier-than-thou newly sober guy. I would like some help finding a good approach to initiating discussion.