Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/clarazenger on 2024-01-21 14:50:45+00:00.

This has been an ongoing issue for a while now.

For context:

• My main ex, George, is no longer in the picture. My bf knows him and doesn't mind him at all.

• The relationships my bf is most concerned about were me having an affair with my manager just after college while in a relationship with George which lasted for most of the duration of that relationship.

• I also towards the end of that relationship had an affair with a married high value client, "Damian". He's in his 40s, successful, really nice guy. His wife has no idea, and we both agreed to end it after six months since he had a new baby and there was too much at stake. No one else knows.

• George has no idea and still has no idea and I have no intention to tell him because of the emotional damage it would do.

Both of these were long ago (>2 years ago) though I do still irregularly see both of them in a professional context. But I am a totally different person now and would never do anything like that again. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year, and it's been pretty amazing. I love him so much.

Anyway, my boyfriend saw a couple of messages from Damian on my phone (even though we ended things he still messages me on instagram / messenger and text sometimes. We were and still are good friends, so I do reply sometimes to let him know how I am. We've had a phone call or two as well after I stopped replying to his messages for a while and he called me to check all was well).

My bf said he wasn't happy with that, but I showed him the messages and ended up telling him about both of those relationships, because I think it's important to be upfront and transparent in relationships (having learned from my mistakes).

He was quite upset and was worried I had been taken advantage of / just couldn't understand, but I reassured him it wasn't the case, I just made some bad decisions. He was upset but seemed to get over it, though he became more worried about my phone and in the end I told him the passcode to it so he can look at it whenever he wants to to show him I have nothing to hide. He at one stage said that I should tell George about it (which is never going to happen) and that I should talk to my parents about it (he said that having that sort of secret puts distance between us, and if we ever have relationship difficulties in the future, he said he wanted there to be someone for us to talk to who was 100% on my side, but also fully aware of previous drama. I told him I wasn't going to do that because I don't have that sort of relationship with my parents, even though I love them and are very close to them). He hates secrets and I can tell it's the secrecy that bothers him, since he said he 'had no problem with me sleeping with my manager / clients, though that's obviously not a good idea in the first place. The problem is that I was lying to the person I supposed to be in love with while I was doing it.'

And I said I totally got what he was saying, but I have changed since then and would never do anything like that again. Obviously, because I can see myself marrying him and would never want to hurt him or jeopardise having a family with him!

Fast forward a few months and it comes to a head when we're hanging out watching a movie and a couple of messages from Damian come though. Totally innocent things (he replied to one of my insta reels and also sent a text asking how I was doing). My bf went all quiet, then kind of angrily asked me why I didn't just block him, and why I was even still in touch with him. I told him I wasn't going to just block him, and explained that I never reply to his messages, but he's still my friend, and it would hurt his feelings to block him, and also would potentially make things awkward in my work / professional life. He just withdrew emotionally and went all moody and it basically ruined a perfectly nice evening together. I've never done anything to make him question my loyalty to him - I can see myself marrying him, I love him so much - but this still feels like a cloud hanging over our relationship. He says he trusts me, but at the same time I feel this putting a strain on our relationship.

I suggested that I might meet Damian in person to explain that my bf isn't comfortable with us being friends and that he should stop messaging, but that just seemed to make my bf even more upset. It's exhausting.

So basically, what can I do to help him get over this issue and stop him being upset about my past, and explain to him that I'm a different person now?

TL;DR: I made mistakes in a previous relationship and cheated with multiple people. How can I reassure my boyfriend that I've changed?