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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Frequent_Hunter9578 on 2024-01-21 10:33:03+00:00.
Hello,
Asking for a wider opinion, fake names used. Around 4 years ago, I (31m) moved into a house share and met Kelly (30f), one of my new housemates. I was freshly out of a disastrous relationship and, perhaps unwisely, within a month began sleeping with Kelly. Although we initially agreed it would be a casual arrangement, after around 3 weeks Kelly implied she wanted us to enter a relationship at some point. Although I felt she was very nice, I didn't feel strongly enough to want this and I told her I didn't want to be in another relationship so soon after my last one. Kelly and I agreed to end our sexual relationship before things went any further so that we could remain friends and not make living together uncomfortable.
I continued dating and, around 2 months later, I met my current partner, Lisa (29f). Although I didn't intend to enter a new relationship so soon, I fell in love with Lisa and have been incredibly happy with her since, she's wonderful and the love of my life.
In the initial months of dating Lisa, Kelly expressed she felt a bit sad seeing Lisa and I together and I agreed to try my best to keep the relationship out of Kelly's face as much as I could. Kelly still had feelings for me which were stronger than I realised (I was surprised to learn she'd spoken to her family about me) and I didn't want to hurt her. At one point, ~2 months after starting to date Lisa, Kelly asked me why I didn't want a relationship with her and I told her honestly I didn't think we were compatible in the long term. Although sad, Kelly seemed to accept this.
I was open and honest to Lisa from the offset about my past and brief relationship with Kelly, and about Kelly still having feelings for me after we broke up. Lisa would be friendly with Kelly when we would do group events/get togethers (with all of my house share; Lisa didn't live with us but was my +1) but had what even she would acknowledge was an irrational dislike of Kelly, which I think is understandable and common when dealing with an ex of your partner.
After ~6 months, Kelly told me she was happy for me and Lisa and that she had moved on emotionally. Kelly and I became good friends over this time, talking every day after work (as we still lived together.) This felt platonic and there was no sexual aspect to our friendship.
Lisa's feelings regarding Kelly remained the same but she accepted our friendship as she trusted me; Lisa acknowledges she has some trust issues after being previously cheated on by an ex-partner.
Eventually, after around 1 year, Kelly planned to return to her home country. On her last evening in the house, Kelly and I had a plan to watch an in-joke film together as a send off but Lisa felt uncomfortable and basically invited herself and crashed it, feeling insecure about Kelly and I watching a film alone in our living room. Lisa quickly became embarrassed after doing this and apologised to me; I reassured her and she stayed for Kelly's leaving do, the three of us watching the movie.
Kelly then left the country and I haven't seen her again in person since then (3 years ago). However, we have continued to occasionally message and have a video call every 3-4 months for a general catch up, asking about each others careers (we find each other's work interesting) and families etc.
Although Lisa doesn't have a huge problem with me still speaking to Kelly and has said she would never ask me to stop, she has expressed feeling uncomfortable about our ongoing friendship. I've spoken to her multiple times about this to understand why - although she trusts me, ultimately, Lisa says she doesn't "trust" Kelly and thinks Kelly never stopped having feelings for me, based on her general impression of Kelly's behaviour around me back when we lived together.
I view my friendship with Kelly as purely platonic, and I never feel that Kelly acts inappropriately or says anything implying she still has feelings for me during our calls, it's just a nice catch up with a friend. I'm glad Lisa can be honest to tell me how she truly feels, but I really don't like making her feel insecure, even though I feel it's unfounded.
As a result, I've deliberately neglected my friendship with Kelly over the last year, leaving it longer between calls because I worry about how it makes Lisa feel. Lisa has never asked me to stop talking to Kelly, and I tell Lisa every time I speak with Kelly, which is every 3-4 months. However, I feel sad about this as I like speaking with Kelly, who I think is a really lovely person and I don't think has done anything wrong.
The situation is causing me stress and I'd like advice on how to manage it going forward. How should I handle this? It would make me sad to end my friendship with Kelly and, again, Lisa has never asked for this, but would it be the right thing to do to make Lisa happier? Am I being unfair in expecting Lisa to accept me remaining friends with Kelly? And also, Kelly may visit the country again some day (no current plans,) would it be unfair of me to ask Lisa if I can see her again?
Thank you in advance, first post here so apologies if any faux pas'!
TLDR: My partner, Lisa, is uncomfortable that I want to remain friends with my ex-partner, Kelly, and I'm unsure about what the right thing to do is.