This is an automated archive.
The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/DramaticOcelot on 2024-01-21 17:05:05+00:00.
I (34F) have been dating my current partner for 4 months (38M). We were friends before that for 1.5 years. We come from the same culture, speak the same language, and have a lot in common. Here is the problem. He says he can’t commit to me and doesn’t think he is capable of loving anyone. He doesn’t love me.
The problems run deep in his head, so he is in therapy. He is super anxious about all kinds of stuff like doing something useful (studying algorithms or watching educational youtube videos, programmers lol) as much possible versus having some fun like watching a movie. If he asks someone for a favor or asks them to do something, he feels bad that he is controlling them. He hates when people call him a good person or compliment him. He doesn’t think he is a good person because he thinks he is attempting to control or manipulate people.
In reality, he is the most kind and giving person I have ever known. I have my own anger and mental health issues. Just being around him grounds me. I enjoy being with him and see myself with him long term.
He says he imagines love as him leaping towards someone with passion, taking a bullet for them, always wanting to be around them — basically “I can’t live with you.” To me, that sounds like a movie. I told him that people express and experience love in all kinds of ways. It doesn’t have to be a fantasy movie love. I also told him that it’s important that he maintain his own identity and agency in the relationship. It doesn’t have to be where you have to give yourself away completely and sacrifice everything. That’s not healthy.
He apparently wanted to marry some girl in Russia before living in the U.S. like a decade ago. His mother didn’t approve of her, so he left her. But his mother always pushed him to get married and have a family, which he resented her for. They have a fine relationship now but he feels a lot of pain about that. He said he is not sure if he ever loved that girl either. He says he doesn’t want to do anything just because he has to or is expected to. I told him that I am not requiring anything. Only that we be together and see where it goes.
I really want to be with him. I feel like he is my person. I am enjoying our time together. He gives me a ton of anxiety that he is going to leave me. He said he can’t promise he won’t run away because everything he does is not working out. He doesn’t blame me for anything, only himself. He says I am not the problem.
For instance, I told him via Whatsapp we don’t have to spend every day together so he can do the useful stuff that makes him feel good about himself. I also told him that until he figures out what he wants, it is what it is. No sense in worrying about it.
Prior to that, I told him I was questioning my existence on this Planet after I watched a movie. I didn’t elaborate that it was about the meaning of my life and contribution. He took it out of context and thought that he doesn’t give me purpose in life. I explained to him in person later that it was about personal fulfillment as a human being in this Planet.
We talked. He said nothing was working out. He doesn’t love the way he imagines love to be and has never loved anyone like that. I told him he is not manipulative or controlling. That not everything is black and white. That he is an amazing person and I am not leaving him. I am here and I want to be with him. Of course, he got cognitive dissonance.
What are your thoughts? Can he turn around after taking time and exploring himself in therapy and this, or is this a lost cause? I haven’t felt about anyone like this in a long time. I need some other perspectives. I am also in therapy. I am willing to be there for him and support him.
Tl;dr my partner of 4 months won’t commit because he has a very low self-esteem and says he hasn’t loved anyone the way he thinks love should be. He blames everything on himself and says it’s not my fault. Should I stay and support him while he tries to explore this part of himself, or should I just let him go?