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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LazyCat1301 on 2024-01-21 10:45:22+00:00.
Original Title: My boyfriend [24M] is distancing himself from me [22F] after he learned about my sexual past. He wishes to take some time apart, not talking to forget about it. How should I proceed with the relationship once we talk again as this feels like I'm being punished and ostracized for my past?
Some background information: I had a past (4-5 years ago) where my sexual activities were quite adventurous during my late high school and beginning college years as I was still trying to find myself. I have mentioned this to my boyfriend from time to time, and he was fine with it all those times. We have been together for 3 years.
On to the matter at hand. On a date recently, we were talking about some adventurous sexual activities, having a laugh as he usually does which then reminded me of the fact that I used to do something of that sort during the timeline I mentioned above. I just went into detail very briefly and after that, my boyfriend got very quiet. I knew immediately it was because I talked about it. The rest of the date was me trying to cheer him up, trying to ask him if he was mad about it, and him responding very little, almost none but still going on said date.
When we went back home, after texting here and there, he told me that he needed time to process the information I just told him. Even though he knows about my past sexual activities (as I told him several times) and he accepted them, the details of them really bothered him. He said that he needed time to process it. He assured me that he still accepted my past, he just needed some time to himself so that he could forget about what I told him.
I respected his wish and stopped texting him, after explaining why I told him - as I have told him about in the past and he was okay with it, I thought he was fine with it and told him about it as a fact about my past. I thought he was open enough to hear about it, I thought I could be comfortable around him to tell him about such things but apparently, he was not ready.
Right now, my mind is conflicted. Though he said that he still loves me and accepts me, the fact that he had to take time off the relationship to process information about my past made it feel like he's ostracizing me for something I cannot change, for someone I no longer am. It's as if I'm being punished for my past. I know he needs his time but still, this hurts me so much. I opened myself up to him about my dark past because I believed that he would accept me, but now I'm being punished for doing so by being left alone.
He said that accepting and processing information is different. He can accept it but he needs time to process it. How can he say he accepts it when he is distancing himself from me? Why does he need to forget about it when he says he accepts it?
My question is: When we come back and talk again, how do we deal with it moving forward? We would not be able to act like we used to.
Do you tell your SO everything about you? Did that ever backfire like it did with mine? Some stories about this would be greatly appreciated.
TL;DR! Even though my boyfriend accepts my adventurous sexual past, once I told him the details briefly, he was so bothered that he asked for some time off the relationship by not talking to me for a while. I feel like I'm being punished by being left alone for my past that I no longer am. I don't know how to proceed when we talk to each other again.