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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Even_Particular_3296 on 2024-01-21 19:48:29+00:00.
I'm at a loss here and don't know where else to go for advice where I feel like I won't be judged.
I'm 34, male, and have been dating a wonderful girl, 31, for about a year now. She's great. If I was able to "build a girlfriend" she would pretty much be it. She has the type of personality I prefer, so kind and thoughtful, and even has the physical attributes I prefer down to body type, hair color, eye color (fit, brown hair, green eyes) etc.
However, the only thing that has been troubling me is the differences in our past. You see, I was in a relatively long term relationship throughout my 20's and she was well, single. But before you turn this into just another "body count" post, it's more than that. Maybe that’s part of it, but it's a little of everything. She grew up partying and her friends party. I spent my 20's very frugal. Both me and my ex sacrificed quality of living in our early 20s to be pretty well finically off in our 30's and forward. It obviously didn't work out between me and my ex but still, we both did it. And it paid off, I am fortunate enough to essentially not worry about what things cost on a day to day basis now. Not rich, but not poor either. Comfortable middle class without any passed down help. Anyway, not the point.
From what I can tell my current girlfriend generally partied every weekend in college, literally every story from her 20's is about going out with her friends to some bar. And after college they would all meet up and go get drunk in LA, or San Diego, or San Fransisco, or Dallas etc. Now, I don't think she has a problem, it was generally a weekend or "special trip" thing. But post college I'd say she still generally partied 2-3 times a month. She has a good job (actually an engineer), and it hasn't taken over her life or anything, but still, she's partied. She has cut back significantly since we've been together, and I don't get the sense she looking for that lifestyle anymore. However, I never have been much of a drinker or partier, and honestly never envisioned myself with someone who likes that lifestyle.
Now, what bothers me is just the visions I get when she tells these stories of her partying and going out. I hate the image of her getting blackout drunk, probably experimenting with some drug use here and there and everything that comes with it.
I do know this is my problem to accept or not. And before you say get therapy, I've done some hard self reflection as to why this bothers me the way that it does, and I've come up with what I think is pretty reasonable answers.
1: I'm a little jealous deep down that she got to party in her 20's and now gets to settle down just like she planned it. I didn't get to/choose to do that because of what I valued more (financial independence long term) plus being in a long term relationship generally. But some of me regrets that decision now to an extent.
2: I'm a little jealous of the fact I had to (choose to) "grind" in my 20's, limiting my fun, while she was out spending generally what she earned (she's not in serious debt, but didn't exactly save either), and now she will get to see the rewards from my assets despite not "paying the price"
3: I hear all the time, people change. You can't judge a person from their past. But it's hard for me to reasononate with that. I've always had my life goals and knew exactly what I wanted my life to look like from a very early age. I've made all my decisions to support that goal. And honestly, can't really think of any stupid decisions I've made "because I was young". I think it's a lame excuse. So part of me wants to "judge" her for past (and borderline promiscuity while single) knowing I wouldn't have been with a person like that then. However, I really do care for her now. And she's only displayed qualities that I would want in a spouse from the time I've been with her.
4: I'm a bit of a health freak. I diet very well, exercise, etc. She is in good shape too, so we have that in common. However, I can't help but think if weekly drinking for a decade at a young age will come back to bite her when she's older. There’s a significant correlation between drinking and breast cancer for example. I want my spouse to live with me until we're 80+, not be widowed at 60
I know that these are generally my own issues to deal with. I also know I can't change the past, but saying that doesn't really help anything. I'm trying to figure out if staying is worth every time she talks about how she used to get crazy at parties and my stomach drops to the floor, if its worth it, or ever get any better. So, I'm at a loss between fighting the visions of her past and knowing what she's done vs the person I see in front of me now. Are our past lives too much to overcome or do I forget it all and try to only focus on what's in front of me? Has anyone else been in any sort of a similar situation and if so, how did you get through it?
Thanks for listening.
TL;DR: I'm dating a great girl, but was "young and stupid" in her youth. I never went through that phase and I hate hearing those stories. Will I ever be able to fully accept how different our young years were?