Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/pervy23curvy on 2024-01-18 21:45:53+00:00.

SIL and I are very good friends and we get along really well as well except that she has strictly told me she doesn't want us both to ever get matching clothes.. Now I find it weird cos sometimes while shopping we do end up liking the same clothe...to which she'll either say that only I should get it and she'll drop it OR Vice versa.. I've told her ample times that I won't wear it outside...but she just says blatantly no and tells me she just doesn't want us wearing Same... ALTHOUGH she is fine if her mother (my MIL) wears the same as her. I mean idc but I find it Very strange...and she never ever tells me a straight reason to that.

(Additonal info: sil does feel insecure of herself, especially her over weight and has on multiple occasions told me how her brother (my husband) will compliment me (on being slim and pretty) but would roast her infront of everyone, which makes her feel bad).

Idk could the reason be this? Cos that's the only thing that comes to my head!

Tldr: S.I.L doesn't want me and her to ever wear the same clothes...but has no issue if she wears the same with her mom? She has never given me a straight reason why Soo I'm super confused.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Proper_Fisherwoman_ on 2024-01-18 21:23:32+00:00.

is it weird for wanting to be hugged by friends, especially by male friends i feel confortable around? i always imagine myself lying in bed and being hugged to sleep by one of them. It's just so weird for me, because i can't seem to find a reason why I'd think like that abt people i am not in love with (i never was in my life tho). I am female, 20 yo and never had a boyfriend before. I started university in october and thus got to meet wonderful new people that are now my friends. bc of mental health issues and lil bit of family drama and other things, i never in my life felt ready to be in a relationship at all. Is me thinking like that being lonely or sth? i don't understand it.

tbh, I'd love to be lil bit more touchy (as in hugging, kissing their cheeks, carresing and just sitting close, nothing more nothing less) with my friends. for example, at a big birthday party, one of my male friends was really tired and asked me, if he could lay his head on my shoulders and i was all up for it and gave him my permission. as i got tired, i did lay my head on his too and such. i really love such moments, tbh. it makes me feel at ease which I rarely am. one of my concerns is, that this behavior of mine is perceived differently by people around me. i always get asked if i had sth with the person i was close to, which is hilarious bc I'm far from being ready to be in a relationship. i just wanna be like that with my university friends. my other concern is that people I'm close to like that, may be thinking that i am in love with them or want sth from them or sth. these friendships I'm talking abt are pretty new so i don't know for sure yet how they'd think in such situations.

not being touchy makes me sad and closed up. has someone any thoughts on this matter? as anyone tipps to how i should act or what i should do?

and what exactly can i say to let the other party know that me being touchy doesn't mean that i want sth from him?

tl;dr: how do i manage being me, without being misunderstood?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/MDofReddit on 2024-01-18 19:28:03+00:00.

My girlfriend of one year says she still isn’t ready to have sex which I perfectly understand. Also, she has strict parents who barely let us see each other. I see all my friends having sexually active relationships and sleeping over and then there is me who doesn’t get to do any of that.

Now I really love my girlfriend and she is the onky girlf I have met I could see myself marrying in the future. She is very family oriented, very smart and just overall a very nice and pure person.

I feel the constant need for a normal relationship which makes me see our relationship like more of a friendship. I want to have a relationship where I can sleep over and spend more time with my girlfriend. I also don’t want to lose this girl I can see myself marrying. Any advice would be appreciated!

TL;DR! I see myself marrying my girlfriend with strict parents but dating her is not fun as I crave a more normal relationship.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/meekie03 on 2024-01-18 19:03:59+00:00.

Just wanted some perspective if I’m being unreasonable or not.

My beloved 13 year old shihtzu passed away suddenly in November. My parents got him for my 16th birthday after many years of wanting a dog, and over the years we shared him after I moved out but he was primarily my pet. They loved for him to visit and hes missed so dearly.

We’ve all taken his passing really hard, but my mom has taken it the hardest. I think she really enjoyed taking care of him and he bonded us all together, she become depressed and cried constantly. I probably would have too but I have a newborn and he kept me distracted through the grief.

My mom thinks the best way to move on is to get another dog. They decided again on a shihtzu but different colors. A little close for comfort..but fine.

My problem is that my late dogs name started with a W. My mom wants to honor him by having their new dogs name also start with a W. I’ve expressed that this feels way too close for comfort and feels like hes being replaced, but shes firm that this is what she wants and its to honor him. She kind of said they would think it over but my sister texted me this is what she really wants.

Also since we were used to sharing my dog, when one of us would go on vacation the other would watch the dog. I’ve told my parents straight up this would be difficult for me with the baby and I’m not ready for another dog in my house but I know they’re still going to ask me because they feel uneasy with putting him in boarding because of horror stories.

Idk how to approach the name thing and if I’m being unreasonable. Its not my dog so I cant be the deciding factor obviously but just wanted to hear others opinions on it.

Tl;dr My mom wants to name her new dog starting with the same letter as my late dog and I think its trying to replace him

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway12345_4 on 2024-01-18 18:52:20+00:00.

20,M and 19,F in a relationship since 3 years; long distance relationship since 1.5 months. Last had sex (used condoms) around 4th or 5th of November. Had periods on Nov 13th and then on Dec 14th. Never had a late period yet. Now haven't had periods yet. Googled a lot about implantation bleed and last 2 times periods had reduced flow compared to normal and without cramps. (Usually very painful with cramps lasting 2 days). Now worried that it might be pregnancy. Took 2 urine tests, both negative. Googled more about prozone hook effect and still freaking out. Is there any possibility of pregnancy in this situation?. Will a blood HCG level test be more definitive? Should we go for that now? Is a scan the only way to know for sure?

Tl;Dr : periods late by 5 days, googled a lot of stuff and freaking out. Any way to know for sure without a OBGyn visit?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/sofiajewelle on 2024-01-18 18:41:32+00:00.

so i’m not really joking. my bf (21m) and i (22f) just got a new place to move into!! we’ve been together almost two years at this point :3

i have a part time job, he has a full time job. so needless to say, he’s hardly home. we were planning on moving but by bit on saturday and sunday. not everything but enough to live in the new place.

i was packing up some trinkets and just stuff to grab later that we don’t really need, just not important stuff. mainly to feel like SOMETHING is being done before the bed gets moved and tv gets moved.

i finished our bookshelf (more like my bookshelf) and moved on to a set of drawers we have. i moved a couple books into the book when i see something weird, a brown box. i didn’t really look at it when i took the lid off, i just was guessing it was xbox or playstation controller stuff. not a huge deal.

NO. ITs a ring?! i didn’t even think about it? and just opened it. it’s gorgeous i’m not gonna lie, but WHAT

when did he get this?! it’s once again perfect to what i like and my personal style?? do his parents know??

i put it back, because ahhhh i shouldn’t have seen it. i told a friend of mine, and she’s just as suprised as i am?!

should i tell him i found it?? should i just go about my life?? what should i do?!

tldr; i found engagement ring and idk if i should tell my bf i found it or not

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/divinissima on 2024-01-19 12:21:17+00:00.

Me and my husband have been married for almost 3 years. He is an orphan, he was left at the hospital the day he was born and never got to know who his parents were. He was then adopted by a wealthy family and joined the military like his adoptive father wanted. This gave him a great desire to have a big family, to have his own biological children so he could have someone truly related to him in his life, but also help out troubled kids like him.

We had 2 very close pregnancies, the first of which resulted in twins, and we now have 3 babies to care for. In the meantime he managed to become a legal tutor for 2 teen boys coming from criminal or broken families who are now living with us. I need to take care of everything at home and it has become overwhelming despite all the love and affection we have for each other. His adoptive family helps us, but mine is absent from my life since before we had children. Every minute of my day necessarily goes into house chores and taking care of the family, my social life and hope to finish my education are long dead. I feel stuck in a never ending amount of work that will never be finished and that will make me miss out on meaningful experiences.

TL;DR!I am grateful for having a family that is built on common effort and love, unlike my birth family, and I dont want to be a reason of problem. But im feeling so overwhelmed and I dont know how to talk to my husband without disappointing him or making things harder for him. I just dont think im gonna be bale to get used to this, its too much work and I hate the fact that every day ends and I have not been able to even read a few pages of a book, to go out for something fun, to talk to a friend. I feel smothered.

We never had a babysitter or housekeeper, you should know he feels very strongly about making it on our own, he dislikes accepting money from his "family" (he was adopted quite late and he never calls them mom and dad, he has always felt like a guest in their house and feels like they already helped him so much) neither he likes the idea of strangers taking care of the house and the kids. He cares a lot about the fact that I should be the one doing all this, because im the person he has chosen to be his wife and not some random housekeeper. And it was fine when the amount of work was still manageable to me, but now I dont have any time left for myself, so he might need to reconsider that. I am not excited about telling him this though

Edit: I have a longer post in which I explain things more in details in case someone has questions and has the time to read that;

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/erohir on 2024-01-19 12:29:06+00:00.

So after like a week knowing each other and dating 2-3 days afterwards, they got into a relationship.

I know them for a while as they are part of the closer people I know, the girl a couple of weeks, the boy 2 years maybe.The girl was with a guy for a period of time who she really seemed normal, it was not official, but felt genuine.

But now its like she ran off the rails. They have been together for a week now, she is posting many photos to social media when they spend time together, and when they aren't, music/book quotes appear, changed her entire online appearance (everything you can imagine). Meanwhile the guy barely shows anything.

About the girl: She is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, had already 2 suicide attempts because of her past 2 relationship. Considers herself as bisexual, but all of the stuff about it got deleted from online when they got together.

About the guy: He had a relationship within the group of friends I know. He is not the responsible and loyal type, eventually the girl had enought and left him after a year. He is deeply religious and hate gay people.

I am affraid she is gonna get more hurt than ever, but when I tried to even hint about the danger of the situation (not bad mouthing the guy), but she got really mad, all she can talk about is how happy she feels and how much she loves him.

What should I do? I can't talk to her right now because I am scared I will make things just worse.

TL;DR!A girl I know is madly in love with someone who eventually will just make her life miserable again.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/EnvironmentalLie2937 on 2024-01-19 12:27:17+00:00.

I’ve been dating this girl for 4 months and generally we’ve gotten very close together e.g. texting everyday, knowing more about our lives etc altho we’ve only been able to hang out once a week mainly and not all of those times alone. We’ve made out or kissed at least once pretty much every time we’ve been together but i want to do more. We’re both on the autism spectrum but I can tell when it comes to things like social battery and awareness it’s more noticeable with her than me, sometimes she gets awkward around being affectionate whilst other times she really goes for it. She’s done things like put her hand on my chest and stroking it and she always strokes my face when we kiss. I feel like these are signals that when it comes to being more intimate she definitely wants it but I want to know what the right move is to show I want it too and how to continue afterwards. I’m the first guy she’s ever dated and before the only experience she’s really had is drunkenly kissing boys at parties so it’s safe to assume this is her first time, altho I’m not talking about instantly jumping to sex but more exploring each other physically and then maybe let that lead to sex. I’ve had sexual experiences before (mainly when I was 15/16) but those were mainly one night stands whereas this is the first time I’m actually taking something like seriously with someone I want to end up in a relationship with.

TLDR

She’s showing signs of wanting to be more intimate so I want to make sure I do it right.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LilacTriceratops on 2024-01-19 11:57:52+00:00.

I know that kindness and respect are absolutely essential in a happy marriage, and I am working on being the patient and loving partner my husband deserves. He such a wonderful and gentle man, we have lots of fun together, share all important values and poltical opinions, he is a good father and works hard to provide for our family.

The problem is that I feel some resentment towards him that, after a long and stressful day, can easily make me snap at him or say mean things/ raise my voice etc..

Some of it surely comes from the fact that I was more or less forced to give up my job and stay at home full time because he was incapable of doing his part of our shared responsibilities in the household/with the kids. He's great at his job, but at home he is very unorganised and helpless when I'm not there to tell him what to do. He found the tasks of caring for our three kids (one has mental health problems), household chores, going to appointments etc too exhausting and asked me to become a stay at home mum, which I was okay with. Now he only helps out occasionally, which is fine, but I kinda feel disappointed of his incompetence. I just don't understand how a grown man who is so smart at his job isn't able to learn simple stuff like how to do the grocery shopping. He's a living gender stereotype in that way, which I find infuriating, because I have no problem with learning how to cut down trees or fix stuff around the house.

Some examples: He puts pans that are supposed to be cleaned by hand in the dishwasher, where they are damaged and have to be thrown away. Again and again.

He goes to the shops with a list of five items (like milk, carrots, butter, canned beans, onions) and come home saying he forgot the milk, couldn't find the beans and bought potatos instead of carrots, but hey at least he has the onions and the butter.

When the chili is too spicy he will put it in the freezer "so the spicyness sinks to the bottom and we can just eat the top layers".. what?

He forgets doctors appointments even though he has set reminders on his phone.

When leaving the house with our smallest kid he will always forget something (hat, allergy medicine, change of clothes, ...), he also forgets to feed the pets or give our oldest child their medication.

When the kids have a question about their homework he says he can't help them because he doesn't know about the subject, even if it's really basic stuff and easy to google.

You might think he is lazy, but I don't think that's the case because often he does stupid stuff that is far more of an effort than doing it the right way. He also goes out of his way to help when he is given reeeeally detailed and foolproof step for step instructions.

These are all things that have annoyed me a lot in the past because they made my day more stressful and added to my list of stuff I had to take care of. Now that I quit my job, it's not that much of a problem anymore.

But I also get angry over things that have no negative effect on my life at all. Like his lack of basic knowledge. He mispronounces stuff all the time, he didn't know where India is on the world map, he has naive ideas like that the football club West Ham United is named after their favourite food, he knows very little about history, art, biology,.. He's not stupid at all, he's brilliant at his job (IT) and has worked himself up to a senior position despite being self-taught. I don't understand how he doesn't apply his obvious intelligence and capability of learning to other areas too.

My parents were both teachers and raised me to value education and intellect above nearly everything else. They were disappointed when I didn't know things and encouraged me to never stop learning. They put a lot of pressure and high expectations on me, which created some resentment. I fear I am projecting some of that on my husband in some twisted way. Maybe I envy him because I feel I can't be stupid or fuck up without feeling a ton of shame, and he feels no shame at all. He just laughs and says "Haha I'm an idiot/ maybe I was dropped on my head as a kid/ smoking weed as a teenager made me dumb"

What happens is, whenever he does or says something stupid, I feel anger rising up and have to either step away and cool down (but eventually it accumulates and just comes out at a later time) or I say something or speak in a tone that I later regret. Sometimes I just roll my eyes or shake my head. Other times I might call him a baby or accuse him of acting like he's an idiot to seem funny or get out of his responsibilities even though I know that's not the case.

I hate myself for being so mean and for even feeling that anger. What can I do against it? I'm so much more patient with my children and don't shame them for failures or forgetfulness or lack of knowledge. With them I am kind and patiently explain things to them.

How can I be more respectful towards my husband without just bottling up my negative feelings?

I don't want him to feel bad about himself and I don't want this to harm our relationship.

TL;DR : My husband is brilliant at his job but in other situations he says and does stuff that seems unbelievably dumb to me. This angers me and I react in a mean way. How can I change?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/DiaperBoyJayJay on 2024-01-19 11:01:49+00:00.

My ex and I are still in touch. When we dated we’d either argue over their friends or stupid things like that.

I can’t see them as just a friend, but they wanna focus on their uni studies, and that won’t finish until about June. We dated for seven months and that’s my longest relationship and they’ve been the best person to me that I honestly would marry them today if we were ready.

We argued for months on end, and we mutually decided to go on a break on boxing day.

A week ago is when we broke up, idk if I should move on and cut contact (cos they said that if we each find another person then they’d feel too awkward to see me happy with another person) or if I should stay and see how things work out?

I’m really struggling and I need help

TL/DR: struggling to move on and need advice

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/VictoryMystery on 2024-01-19 10:51:54+00:00.

My brother-in-law (BIL) and his partner have only been “together” (as in attempting to live together in MIL house) for 2 years and have a 1 and 1/2 year old son together as well as his partners child (9F) from a previous relationship (all 4 live in MIL house). Their relationship is so toxic, it’s very clear that BIL wasn’t ready to have a family with her as they were hooking up casually and ended up with their son. BIL only refers to her as his partner/co-parent but she (the partner) fully believes that they are still in a romantic relationship. This misunderstanding is creating a toxic situation that both of the children and the rest of the family have to bear witness to constantly. Like they will scream and fight in front of the kids to where both children are crying. The partner constantly tries to involve the rest of the family in gossip about BIL which basically she just says how unhappy she is but refuses to leave because she “loves him”. BIL and her sleep in separate rooms. Every family party they are throwing gabs at eachother making everyone uncomfortable. Sometimes they will leave and go fight outside and we all have to sit in the house and pretend like we don’t hear it while the 9 yo child either begins to cry or seemingly dissociate as she just shuts down and doesn’t respond to anyone.

I, personally, want to intervene because it’s taking a negative toll on their children who I care very much for. Like for example, advise them separately that they should just stop trying to live together and co-parent normally. The rest of the family keeps telling me to “mind my own business” and how “it doesn’t affect you so why do you care” or “you and your husband don’t have kids so you don’t know the struggle”. I’m not sure how everyone can just sit there and pretend like these kids aren’t being put through it. Furthermore, if they are going to be arguing within earshot of everyone, I feel like they are making it everyone’s business. As well as the partner, who tries to call me to complain about their relationship (I’m the only female “in-law” so I think she believes it’s ok to involve to me as I’m not directly related to BIL). It’s gotten to a point where I have such a distaste in being around them that I ask the family not to invite me when they’re around but of course they will invite me and surprise they’re there. I just kind of don’t like being around people who I: 1) disapprove of their actions 2) can’t voice that opinion so we can somehow resolve it. I would rather just not be around them to avoid the mental stress on me and so I don’t “get involved in the business of parents” as everyone says.

TLDR: my BIL and his baby mama have a toxic relationship that is negatively affecting their kids and we all have to bear witness to it. Do I just put up with it? Distance myself? Or voice my issue to them?

Edit: spelling, there are probably more errors as I’m typing this on my phone which is lagging at 3am

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/GateUpbeat1169 on 2024-01-19 10:38:02+00:00.

Original :

I asked advice from reddit and all my close friends and I decided I go with my heart. I don't want to ruin her relationship with her family and I'm just a regular guy. I don't want to hurt her because of how restricted our communication is because she loves to talk a lot and her waiting just to text me would be so much stress for her. I don't want to hold her back so I let go of her. We cried a lot over the call and we had only 10 mins. I feel nothing honestly, I'm just numb. I hope she moves on idk if I will. Thank you all for the effort and time you have taken to think about us.

TL;DR : just an update, I broke up with my girlfriend, I don't want to ruin her family or hurt her, I feel numb, thank you for everything

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/itsinsamity on 2024-01-18 22:49:10+00:00.

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and since we got together, he has never questioned my loyalty bc I have never given him a reason to... Yesterday though, out of nowhere, he went completely batshit on me accusing me of cheating on him with one of my male clients named Josh, saying that I'm trying to play him for a fool, and making up some bs story of how he saw a message notification from Josh while I was in the shower.

I searched my phone for a message from Josh, but nothing recent came up, not since we last messaged a few months prior discussing strictly business. I then gave my boyfriend my phone to find the proof he claims he saw on my phone himself, but he refused bc he said that he's sure I deleted it or the message came from a secret messaging app I'm hiding. He then just brushed me off & went back to calling me a liar and cheater without letting me get another word in before walking away and ignoring me the rest of the night.

Like I mentioned, my boyfriend suddenly accusing me of cheating to such an extreme, especially without having any proof to back it up, is completely out of the norm for him and a huge red flag for me. The only logical reason I can come up with for this sudden change is that he is the one actually cheating and he feels guilty about it, so he's trying to flip it on me to ease his guilt.

I cannot think of any other reason other than a cheater's guilt... Am I crazy for thinking this way?

TL;DR: I think my boyfriend cheated recently and feels guilty about so he trying to ease the guilt by accusing me to be the cheater. He claims he has proof I’m cheating but refuses to show me the proof or give me a chance to prove I’m not.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwawaysailaway12 on 2024-01-18 20:14:54+00:00.

Our son had a medical emergency and needed to be hospitalized. He's thankfully now ok and family and friends came to visit when he was back home.

My MIL asked us about how we paid for it. My husband was upfront and said he asked our friend, Neal, for a loan and Neal covered for us. And our MIL got all snotty about it and said its embarassing how much my husband counts on our friend to bail him out. My husband tried to defend himself but our MIL got even nastier with a comment that if this keeps happening ''Sarah will think she married the wrong one.''

This is reference to me, my husband and Neal all meeting in college. To be clear there was no love traingle going on or anything. My husband and me started dating almost as soon as we met and Neal is nothing but a close friend. It was a vulgar and offensive comment.

And she still wasn't done but I cut her off and told her none of this is any of her business. Later on a friend picked up a change in my husband's mood and asked what had happened and we decided to share and our friend just double-downed on my MIL's comments.

For context, Neal does very well for himself and also got a huge inheritance from his Grandfather. Neal and my husband have been best friends for over ten years now and are close with each other's families. My husband would even get Birthday and Christmas presents from Neal's Grandparents. When his Grandfaher passed away Neal gifted my husband and me some very expensive heirlooms which kind of stand out in our home so my MIL and others know they were gifts from Neal. A few years later Neal was in a comfortable enough position that when we were looking into buying a home, he insisted on giving us a loan with a minimal interest rate to help pay part of it. Then of course its the aforementioned events with my son's medical bills.

Of course it sucks we had to resort to asking for help but my MIL and our friend absolutely tore down my husband who's just doing his best. Its been almost a week and he's still down and upset over it. i've tried to reassure him but it seemed to have really cut deep. Even mentioning something about getting a bank loan this year to try and pay off Neal's loan. Which is fine if its something he wants to do but I feel its coming from feeling hurt by what his mother told him.

What can I do here? I think I can get our friend to apologize but not my MIL.

TL;DR! Husband was basically emasculated by his own mom and a friend and seems to be spiraling into depression. What can I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Brunetteforever on 2024-01-19 10:12:19+00:00.

We are long distance fyi. A few states away, but know him (brothers old pal from his high school). We had plans this February to see each-other.

He suddenly stopped speaking to me for no reason. No reason. We weren’t fighting. In fact we were joking about an inside joke the last day we spoke. I tried to send him a message after not hearing from him all day on Monday. He never responded… or the next day. Wednesday I asked if everything was alright. No answer.

It was clear he wasn’t interested. So I said “It’s clear to me we’re not on the same page anymore. I take your absence of response as a loss of interest. And that’s fine, you could have just been frank about it. Either way, have a good one.”

No answer. Then hours later saw he watched my Instagram stories of my selfies. Afterward today, I got the courage to delete him on IG and Tiktok.

My tiktok profile views are private. But I turned them on tonight and noticed he was one of my newest profile viewers today. He hasn’t viewed my profile ever since we first followed eachother. I guess he wanted to see if I deleted him. I don’t even understand why. Why would he bother to check that?

TL;DR: Talking stages with a guy I know. He was planning to fly to see me in February. Randomly stopped talking to me. Realizing what was going on I messaged him and told him I can see he’s not interested and to have a good one. He looked at my IG stories hours later. I then deleted him on IG and Tiktok today. Went on my profile views on tiktok and saw he was one of my newest profile viewers. Which he hasn’t viewed my tiktok since we first became friends on it. I don’t know why.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/AbiesHalva7 on 2024-01-19 10:12:08+00:00.

I (31f) broke up a 3 years long relationship with my fiancé (41m) after several months of gaslighting, cheating (phone full of hot chats, meeting arrangements, voice messages…), disappearing from house for days (leaves to “watch a football match” on Thursday, comes back on Monday, no news in a meanwhile, no response on calls/msgs), sexy dancing with girls in front of me, and LOADS of lies… basically an emotional hell.

I started dating someone recently, 8 months after separation with my ex. We’ve been dating (long distance but regularly seeing each other) for only couple of months but I am constantly asking myself if he is not trying to hide something from me, if he is telling the truth, if his intentions are good…

Should I stop dating him till I don’t fix the 💩 in my head? Am I not ready for new engagement? How do I spare myself this emotional and metal torture and how do I spare my future partner of my own toxicity?

TLDR: how do I know I can trust my new partner?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Inevitable-Ad7340 on 2024-01-19 09:58:37+00:00.

TLDR My ex is f*cking me over when I did nothing wrong. Why?

My gf [19F] and | [20M] of 1.3 years just broke up. Our relationship started when we lived together and it was the most perfect beautiful bond I've ever seen in my life. We had a life planned out together. I even helped her get past some trauma that had been plaguing her for 3+ years. We were the most perfect couple I could imagine (never fought, were honest, kept open about things, legit like mr fredrickson and Ellie from up), then I had to move away. Once I moved like 4-5 months in she started to lose feelings slowly and after multiple flights to go and see her, we decided we should break up bc neither of us were happy. We ended it on good ish terms with our last words being apologies and I love yous. Then she started to repost tik toks about never being loved or supported and how I never worked on myself for her. Not only did I devote my entire life to working on myself for her (getting a job and money, getting the grades I needed to get back to her) but she told me I was the single best person she had ever met when we were together. Not only that but legit like 3 days after we broke up she followed her ex [25M] on instagram (across the world, never actually met) right after she had told me she wouldn't be able to get over me and she couldn't handle any relationships for a while. Also her guy friends (never met but have liked her before) kicked me from their discord and called me a racist, a biggot and told me no one likes me at all. In the relationship she said she would stop talking to them if they did something like that to me but she decided to 'not take any sides'. I haven't said anything and I've just resorted to blocking her on those apps, but I'm still in love with her and we WERE both hopeful of getting back together someday when we broke up. We were gonna talk again after one month, but should I confront her abt these things in a month? Why is she doing this? Is this her knowing I'm seeing these things and trying to get a reaction out of me? Is it considered a reaction if I'm blocking her? Why am I so deeply in love with her even after all of this? I've cried every single night since she's left and it seems she's already moving on and doing things to spite me. Is she moving on or is she just trying to hurt me bc she’s hurting? And why?

P.S. she sent me a paragraph after we broke up about how I was everything she wanted and needed and she thanked me and said it was just right people wrong time.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA13582057105 on 2024-01-19 09:37:22+00:00.

Tl;dr: tried to break things off with bf after long issues with trust. Got sucked back in but not sure how I feel about it.

My bf and I have been together for about a year. I think he's lovely, but we had some pretty bad issues this past year.

We're in a long distance relationship and see each other about once a month. Our relationship was kind of awkward in the beginning because we were both shy and we're also both autistic. We both figured it needed time. Our calls always remained somewhat awkward though, he would be very silent and it would make me panic and jump to a lot of small talk which we both hate.

He's someone who expresses himself very neutrally in everything and it often made me doubt his feelings towards me. I'm a very anxious person and I really need affirmation sometimes that I'm wanted in a situation, but he often answers with "maybe", "i don't know" and "yeah sure". It made it very confusing to me. I doubted myself a lot. He's heard from multiple people in the past that it seems he doesn't have feelings.

For the past 4/5 months we had an issue where we barely called when we were apart. I kept bringing it up and asked to call at least once a week. I kept asking if anything was wrong. He kept reassuring me everything was fine and he enjoyed our calls and looked forward to them, but I found out later that he told his best friend he actually felt like they're a chore because of how awkward they were, and his best friend even tried to come up with excuses for him to keep the calls short. All those months I was questioning my own sanity, telling him I felt hurt and to please be honest with me. For weeks I was spiralling, crying almost every day, I just didn't understand what was wrong. I could tell things weren't right but he wouldn't talk to me about it. I felt like my emotions were on a constant roller coaster, I couldn't enjoy our time together anymore because it was overshadowed by this issue. I would have 1 week of fun and good times with him, and then 3 or 4 weeks of just absolute terror. I really started resenting him and seeing him as a bad person almost.

Things came to a burst when I admitted to him that I went through his private messages and found out that he dreaded our calls. We had a long talk and he said it wasn't that black and white and that we should just try to do better from now on. That he would be honest about his feelings from now on, and I need to relax in our calls and not overthink it too much. I do think it improved since then.

I agreed to give it another go but I told him honestly that I was considering breaking things off, because I can't do another year of this emotional crash ride.

I processed some more things and I just feel really disrespected and upset that my interactions were not welcomed and that he kept me in the dark about it for months. I had months of spiralling and questioning myself. I couldn't see it getting better with the way our personalities are.

So I tried to break up with him out of respect for myself. I called him and told him I didn't think we should continue. He ended up saying he thinks I'm just spiralling again and that we'd made the plan to work on things together, and that I barely gave it a shot. So I agreed to keep going again.

But the thing is, I don't think I was spiralling at all. I think it's easy for him to say he wants to continue when he wasn't the one kept in the dark and going through all this emotional turmoil every time we were apart. I asked him if he legitimately loved me and he said of course he does and why would he be with me otherwise, but I just don't believe him anymore. I feel like I got so hurt and my trust in him got broken so much, that I'm worried we're just going to hurt each other more. I don't know if I can move on from the idea that he dreaded calling with me. This relationship hasn't made me actually consistently happy in months. The only time things are good, is when we're physically together, and we agreed that we need to fix this issue before making big steps like closing the distance. I just feel really angry. I don't feel like things are resolved and I don't know if I can move on together in all honesty.

How do I navigate this? I talked to my therapist about it and she also said it just doesn't sound healthy.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/OfficeSevere9329 on 2024-01-19 08:50:41+00:00.

Been together 3 years. We don't live with each other. She visits me after work each day from 4:15pm-8pm. Most nights she will have a nap for around 2 hours as she finds work very exhausting so I feel our time with each other despite being most weekdays is pretty limited. The moment she gets to mine she will ask me how was my day and give me a hug, eat the dinner that I made since I get home earlier. From there, there is a very high chance she will go straight to her phone. After a nap the phone is the first thing she goes to. She has told me it relaxes her, I feel it is an addiction and she does acknowledge she has issues with it. I would prefer less phone use but the worst for me is when she is constantly messaging others. Example, she has a friend at work, she got to mine yesterday and was on her phone talking to him, she doesn't hide it and it's no secret she has a male friend. My issue is she was at work with him all day, and then gets home and is still chatting to him. We went to the cinemas and she kept getting notifications from him, and at traffic lights would quickly reply. I got the shits since she's using her phone while driving, and also that I am with her and would have liked her to be wanting to chat to me on the car ride, made me feel very second place.

I should note I could not care less if she messages her friends here and there, and once we move in together so long as we have couples moments I won't be as bothered, the main issue is most times outside of "how was your day", that is our whole communication for the day, then she chats heaps to others on the phone she's seen all day at work.She admits her phone use is an issue, but my main concern is she is making a subconscious choice to chat to others when she is with me, and most of the time she has got home and we haven't had more than 1 minute talking to each other without phone use. Over the 3 years I have expressed my feelings toward this multiple times, and is ongoing.

TLDR Girlfriend constantly uses her phone around me, and is messaging other people constantly instead of being present with myself.I have had this discussion multiple times over 3 years. What is the best course of action now?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/FieldOfGold on 2024-01-19 08:36:54+00:00.

Original:

I got some sleep, and now I feel a lot more clear-headed about things. There's been a lot of replies, which I'm thankful for, and I can see now that I was kinda making things about myself. And also that I'd failed to ask how she'd felt. I also got a couple of missed calls from Dave, which I ignored and blocked that number too.

The first thing I did after waking up was send a follow up text to my girlfriend. I said I hoped she was doing okay, and that I didn't blame her at all for what Dave did. To my surprise, my girlfriend called me back a couple of hours later and we talked for while. This is my general recollection of the conversation, since I wrote everything down afterward to think about it.

• Firstly, I apologized for blowing up at her, and reinterated that I had never blamed her for Dave kissing her. I asked her how she was feeling now. She said she was feeling okay, but she hadn't had a lot of time to process anything, since she'd been asleep for a long time. She said that yesterday had been a pretty wild day, which I agreed with.
• She asked me how I was feeling. I didn't want to go into it too much, but I said I was pretty broken up by everything. Mostly because how out of the blue this happened. She said that was reasonable, and that it had been a surprise for her too.
• I was avoiding bringing it up, but she apologised to me for lying. She said it was a knee-jerk reaction, and that she hadn't expected that Dave would have ever told me himself. She said she'd been planning to tell me when she felt ready.
• She explained a bit about what happened. According to her, she and Dave had been talking about our relationship, and then Dave told her that he was in love with her. She was surprised and asked what he meant. He responded by "sort of" kissing her, but stopped immediately when she didn't reciprocate. After that, they talked about his feelings for her for about half an hour, and then decided not to see the movie together. She said that Dave then invited her to come back to his place to talk more, but she said that he wasn't trying to sleep with her. I don't know if I believe that part, not because of her, but because of Dave. She then dropped Dave off at the train station and drove over to Sarah's place. A lot of this seems to match what Sarah told me earlier.
• She asked if I'd blocked Dave's number. I said I had, and that he'd tried to contact me again. She said that made sense. In hindsight, I wish I'd asked her more on this part, but we moved on pretty quickly. She asked me how hard it would be for me to forgive Dave. I told her pretty bluntly that I wasn't going to forgive him ever. He totally betrayed my trust as a friend, and I could never trust him around anyone I knew ever again, even if I wanted to forgive him. She said that was a shame, because we'd been friends for so long, but she understood. She also said that Dave was pretty broken up afterward by the whole situation as well, but I told her that I don't care about how Dave feels about this at all.
• I wanted to ask her more about what she meant by 'accidently leading him on', but I couldn't think of a way to do it without sounding accusatory. That being said, I think that what some people here were saying about her feeling guilty and feeling like it was somehow her fault are probably right.
• We agreed to keep this whole thing to ourselves at the moment. Neither of us want our friends getting involved in this (barring Sarah, which I'm okay with). I don't think our friend group is going to survive this, though.
• I asked her if she still wanted to take a break from our relationship, and if it was because of how I reacted. She said it wasn't, but she needed to "press pause" to process things, probably about a week or so. I understood the idea of her staying at Sarah's to process, but I asked if that time apart had to come in the form of taking a break, because I didn't really understand that part. She just sort of reinterated that she needed time to herself. I decided not to press her about it. I said it was fine to have some time to herself, but that I didn't agree to taking a break. She said that was okay, and that we could talk more soon. She sounded kinda upset by then, so I said goodbye and she hung up.

That was about the whole conversation, from what I can recall. It wasn't super long, but it did answer a few questions. I do feel a lot better now that I've spoken with her, but the whole 'asking for a break' thing still leaves me feeling uncomfortable.

As of right now, I don't know if we're going to get back together or not. As much as I hate to say it, I have a nasty feeling that it's not going to work out in my favour.

TLDR: I spoke to my girlfriend and cleared a few things up, but things are still weird and confusing.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Otherwise-Double1114 on 2024-01-19 08:26:09+00:00.

TL;DR Girl came into my life unexpectedly, changed my outlook entirely, I wasn't ready for her, two years later i still have feelings for her and she's giving off incredibly mixed signals.

Okay, so this is gonna take a minute to get out..

A little preface, I've never really dated or done much in the realm of relationships. Trauma from my mom left me with a huge distrust for women in general, and that's held strong for years, at least until about two years ago when my friend introduced me to his fiancés younger sister. I was incredibly hesitant because of that trauma, even though I'd been deployed, stationed overseas, etc. But I was going home for holiday leave and gonna see my buddy and his fiancé anyways, so I might as well see whom they're talking about right?

But when they introduced us, it was almost love at first sight. We got along amazingly, and I could just feel that warm smile and personality start melting away all that ice and jadedness I'd built up over the years. I'd always been a bit cold to people, not any fault of their own, I'd just never really been the warm type, but I swear she melted all that away in almost an instant.

But this wasn't to last sadly. I loved her, and two years later I still do, we dated for about 7 months, but it was rough. She was my first relationship in 5 or so years, I was getting sent back overseas, and I truly wanted to make it work, but I just couldn't at the moment, I admit that. It was completely foreign territory for me, and I didn't give her the time she deserved, nor the attention she deserved, especially being long distance. So we split, mostly on my accord because frankly I knew she deserved better, and I couldn't give her what she deserved. It broke my heart, and it broke hers. But we got along even as friends still. It hurt a bit that she found a new guy within about two months, and it seemed like she moved on pretty fast, but she had no obligation to me so I had no right to be upset.

We still got along as friends, and over the years both her sister and my friend (her sisters fiancé) Kept telling me how she still had feelings for me, and how she was hesitant to get into new relationships because of her feelings for me (She had directly said this to them).

Fast forward to this year, I've reflected on my mistakes, my shortcomings and worked hard on them over the past year and a half. I've recognized what I did wrong, and worked on it all just so I could be the man I should have been two years ago, and I've genuinely improved. She invited me to see her, and so I went and saw her for about a week. I still had feelings for her, and I had to get them off my chest, so I just told her straight up. I wasn't confessing all of this to persuade or alter her perception or views, I just needed all this off my chest for both my mental health's sake, and that I might not get the chance to say this in person for a hot minute, and sending such a sensitive topic over text wouldn't do. I told her how I felt, how I felt like I could do and would do infinitely better than I had previously, that I was willing to do anything to make it work. She gave me a Luke warm response, she couldn't emotionally commit to another relationship at the moment due to a previous BF mentally messing her up (I completely understand), and that she had considered the idea of a relationship with me while i was driving out to see her, but with her current state, rushing into another relationship would only end with us both hurt again. I agreed and understood what she meant, but she said that if things lined up in the future then who knows, hopefully. So I left feeling conflicted as all hell.

Fast forward to this week, we were playing games on discord as a group and she got incredibly excited and giddy over getting a girls number (She's Bi) That she had a crush on. Everyone in the call knows how I feel, knows what's happened between us, and its been unanimous so far that she shouldn't have done that while I was there. I was equal parts hurt and a bit mad, so I just excused myself and went to bed, deciding to leave it. I didn't want to say anything spiteful or out of emotion, so I just didn't say anything really. But everyone present kind of gave her the "You fucked up, apologize" treatment, and eventually she just texted me after a few days saying I hated her guts just for having a sliver of happiness. To cut the entire conversation down to a few points, She basically said it was my fault for getting mad, and that it was my issue for "Not being able to let something go" and that she wasn't going to apologize for being happy. I told her that she was WAY more than just "Something" to me, and that I needed a solid answer, how does she feel. It felt like she did a 180 and straight up said "I got over you, and will be over you. I no longer have romantic interest in you and haven't for a long time. I don't give second chances"

What she said is completely contradictory to what she'd said to her sister and my friend 6 months ago, and even her sister said that she feels like this is all BS, and that "This doesn't sound like my sister at all."

This all happened today, and I'm still in a state of disarray, sorry if this is jumbled or disjointed. I'm just trying to get some outside perspective on this, there's so much contradiction in what she says to me vs what she says to her sister. Did I fuck up? What does she mean by all this? I'm going to respect her and just drop my emotions for her since I still value her as a friend and she values me as one, but i just need help unraveling all this. Any input is appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read this.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/machiavellli on 2024-01-19 08:24:53+00:00.

Hi! Basically I’m 25F and currently living in California. My mom (56F) lives in Virginia, and my dad (55F) moved to Texas about two years ago when he got laid off from his job in Virginia and had to find a new one. They’re still married, and have been for about 28 years. They typically Facetime about every other day, but my dad is only able to visit a few times a year due to the constraints of his job. I also have a younger brother, who is 24M.

Something important to note is that my mom angers very easily, and can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know. She’s often very petty about it, and extremely stubborn. Growing up, we rarely got along and fought all the time. In my senior year of high school, she didn’t talk to me for 7 months because I didn’t get into the university she wanted for me, and we were living under the same roof. She’s oftentimes difficult to reason with, and even though there have been multiple times over the years where I’ve felt like she’s been in the wrong, she’s never once apologized for anything.

Around the holidays, my whole family went to Texas to visit my dad. I couldn’t stay the entire duration that my mom and brother did, and left early to return back to work. After I left, my parents got in a big fight. My dad’s getting old, and he was the main one driving during that trip and from what I heard, got lost a few times while unable to simultaneously drive and navigate. My mom got really really upset, because they also missed some key reservations because of it I think, and since flying home from that trip in early January hasn’t spoken to my dad since.

My dad’s tried to call and text her multiple times since then, but she’s never picked up or replied. My brother is still living at home, and sometimes when he calls my dad he’ll try to give the phone to my mom, but she refuses to talk. She has a history of doing this, and for the most part eventually my dad is able to break her down by forcing conversations in person, but it’s hard now that they’re long distance.

I know that my mom is overreacting, being dramatic, and generally a very toxic and immature person when it comes to conflict. It’s something I’ve accepted long ago and spent multiple sessions in therapy to deal with, but my dad doesn’t have the same experience that I have. When she used to do this to me when I was younger, my dad would tell me to just be the bigger person and apologize, because it’s just the way she is. He’s taking this very hard, and always seems incredibly sad when we call. I also know that it’s really bothering him because he talks to me about it, and we don’t normally talk about emotional stuff like this.

Individual faults and everything aside, what can I suggest for my dad to try to get through to my mom? Is there anything I can do directly to help? I hate seeing him like this. It’s hard for him to fly back and try to resolve this in person as well, because of work and the cost of the flight. I haven’t talked to my mom about this because my dad doesn’t want me to, as he says that it’d just make her more mad at him for getting me involved. She’s very dismissive of the situation anyway when my brother has tried to talk to her about it in the past. Also, what can I say to make him feel better about this?

TL;DR: Mom won’t talk to my dad after a petty fight 2.5 weeks ago, and he’s taking it really hard even though she has a history of being like this. They’re also long distance, so it makes it even harder to communicate. What else can he try to get her to talk to him? What can I say to make him feel better?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/InTheTextBook on 2024-01-19 08:06:18+00:00.

My boyfriend(18M) went on a study abroad program to Germany last year which will last a year, he is not allowed to leave the country. I went away to college in California and we have been doing long-distance for about 6 months now. We have been having relationship struggles recently and broke up on New Year for about two weeks. He recently sent flowers to my dorm to try to show that he is putting in effort. I initiated this breakup after he went with his friends drinking in a field and didn't bother to tell me. I communicate where I go and what I do while I am in college because he overthinks a lot and I just got so tired of it since I don't get the same communication back. I trust him a lot and I know there is no cheating going on, he is very monogamous. There have just been so many mess-ups that I have been building resentment. I don't want to list anything but these have been big things like forgetting my birthday (I got a text saying "Oh shit I forgot happy birthday". No gift or anything, in fact, I took him out roller skating and to dinner with my best friend from high school to make up for it and paid for it myself. This was at the beginning of the relationship and he has made an effort to improve himself for me. He is very sweet for example he always buys me flowers and pays when we go on dates (I pay as well don't worry). But, we have been planning this trip for me to come visit him. I started planning last year and made a savings account for it, he said it made him so unbelievably happy. I even started a google slides to plan everything, he didn't really touch it at all. I put a lot of effort into the slides including the hostel and flights and the days that we would travel. I tried to make plans for winter and I even had all my papers ready to get my passport renewed, this was canceled last minute as his family wanted to come see him instead. His mom is a delta flight attendant so they all got to go for free on standby. I understand not being invited and am not upset about that but I am very close with them (His mom got me Lululemon for Christmas and we have dinners all the time). But it was the only time where I could have stayed for longer than a week, making the cost of the ticket less stressful and worth it. He would be the one paying for the hostel and food for a week. It also stung as I had been planning this just to have it canceled. I asked him to show effort and plan it but he says he's frustrated with himself because he doesn't understand why it doesn't excite him at all to plan anything. Now, I told him about all the sex we would have if we planned it, only now he is on board. Specifically, I would suck his dick every morning (which I do regularly when we are together). Only now, it is really expensive compared to if we just planned it early. I am talking $1,000 flights from lax to Frankfurt. If we broke up again I don't think I would want to visit him when we both come back home, just out of respect for myself. I love him so very much and I wouldn't want to break it off. Can anyone help me understand why he feels this way or his perspective?

TL;DR:

In summary, my boyfriend and I, who is studying abroad in Germany, have been in a long-distance relationship for about six months. I am in college and he is taking a gap year. Recent relationship struggles led to a brief breakup initiated by you. Despite issues like communication gaps and past mistakes, he sent flowers as a gesture of effort. However, you're still dealing with resentment over various incidents, including canceled plans for your visit. Your boyfriend struggles to find excitement in planning, and your attempt to motivate him with the prospect of intimacy resulted in a more expensive trip. Despite love for him, you're seeking an understanding of his perspective.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/BoringFlower6622 on 2024-01-19 07:19:00+00:00.

Me 23F and my partner 25M have been together 4 years. I am white he is Indian, so when we first got together he would always tell me we could never end up together and he couldn’t tell his parents.. I should’ve known then but I was young and it was my first relationship. So I just went with it, we ended up dating in secret for 3.5 years finally his parents asked him recently and he told them about us and they were welcoming and everything was fine but now I know we are still so different he wants to live with his parents and I cannot, he wants me to not drink anymore, practice Hinduism and not Christianity. We have talked about all this and we also just disagree on so many other beliefs. I also just feel like i deserve better he’s a good guy and all but there’s lots of lack of effort and all.

TL;DR! I just can’t bring myself to let go I guess I’m just scared of the change and loosing that sense of having someone always there, basically being alone and not finding someone else. I think we both know we are gonna break up and just keep putting it off but I know I need to do it but I can’t find the courage, I need some advice..