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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LilacTriceratops on 2024-01-19 11:57:52+00:00.
I know that kindness and respect are absolutely essential in a happy marriage, and I am working on being the patient and loving partner my husband deserves. He such a wonderful and gentle man, we have lots of fun together, share all important values and poltical opinions, he is a good father and works hard to provide for our family.
The problem is that I feel some resentment towards him that, after a long and stressful day, can easily make me snap at him or say mean things/ raise my voice etc..
Some of it surely comes from the fact that I was more or less forced to give up my job and stay at home full time because he was incapable of doing his part of our shared responsibilities in the household/with the kids. He's great at his job, but at home he is very unorganised and helpless when I'm not there to tell him what to do. He found the tasks of caring for our three kids (one has mental health problems), household chores, going to appointments etc too exhausting and asked me to become a stay at home mum, which I was okay with. Now he only helps out occasionally, which is fine, but I kinda feel disappointed of his incompetence. I just don't understand how a grown man who is so smart at his job isn't able to learn simple stuff like how to do the grocery shopping. He's a living gender stereotype in that way, which I find infuriating, because I have no problem with learning how to cut down trees or fix stuff around the house.
Some examples: He puts pans that are supposed to be cleaned by hand in the dishwasher, where they are damaged and have to be thrown away. Again and again.
He goes to the shops with a list of five items (like milk, carrots, butter, canned beans, onions) and come home saying he forgot the milk, couldn't find the beans and bought potatos instead of carrots, but hey at least he has the onions and the butter.
When the chili is too spicy he will put it in the freezer "so the spicyness sinks to the bottom and we can just eat the top layers".. what?
He forgets doctors appointments even though he has set reminders on his phone.
When leaving the house with our smallest kid he will always forget something (hat, allergy medicine, change of clothes, ...), he also forgets to feed the pets or give our oldest child their medication.
When the kids have a question about their homework he says he can't help them because he doesn't know about the subject, even if it's really basic stuff and easy to google.
You might think he is lazy, but I don't think that's the case because often he does stupid stuff that is far more of an effort than doing it the right way. He also goes out of his way to help when he is given reeeeally detailed and foolproof step for step instructions.
These are all things that have annoyed me a lot in the past because they made my day more stressful and added to my list of stuff I had to take care of. Now that I quit my job, it's not that much of a problem anymore.
But I also get angry over things that have no negative effect on my life at all. Like his lack of basic knowledge. He mispronounces stuff all the time, he didn't know where India is on the world map, he has naive ideas like that the football club West Ham United is named after their favourite food, he knows very little about history, art, biology,.. He's not stupid at all, he's brilliant at his job (IT) and has worked himself up to a senior position despite being self-taught. I don't understand how he doesn't apply his obvious intelligence and capability of learning to other areas too.
My parents were both teachers and raised me to value education and intellect above nearly everything else. They were disappointed when I didn't know things and encouraged me to never stop learning. They put a lot of pressure and high expectations on me, which created some resentment. I fear I am projecting some of that on my husband in some twisted way. Maybe I envy him because I feel I can't be stupid or fuck up without feeling a ton of shame, and he feels no shame at all. He just laughs and says "Haha I'm an idiot/ maybe I was dropped on my head as a kid/ smoking weed as a teenager made me dumb"
What happens is, whenever he does or says something stupid, I feel anger rising up and have to either step away and cool down (but eventually it accumulates and just comes out at a later time) or I say something or speak in a tone that I later regret. Sometimes I just roll my eyes or shake my head. Other times I might call him a baby or accuse him of acting like he's an idiot to seem funny or get out of his responsibilities even though I know that's not the case.
I hate myself for being so mean and for even feeling that anger. What can I do against it? I'm so much more patient with my children and don't shame them for failures or forgetfulness or lack of knowledge. With them I am kind and patiently explain things to them.
How can I be more respectful towards my husband without just bottling up my negative feelings?
I don't want him to feel bad about himself and I don't want this to harm our relationship.
TL;DR : My husband is brilliant at his job but in other situations he says and does stuff that seems unbelievably dumb to me. This angers me and I react in a mean way. How can I change?