Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Over_Judgment648 on 2024-01-23 20:07:25+00:00.

Should I reach out and tell his girlfriend the truth?

Hi F21. So I met this guy M21 on bumble who seemed really nice. We talked. We flirted. Exchanged some spicy messages. I found out he and I work in the same building. He told me where he did his undergrad and what he had his degree in which I really liked because I’m in engineering and it’s a similar field. Well he had been making jokes about finding my desk at work and yesterday when I was fixing to get off and leave he did. We really hit it off and had like alot of instant chemistry. He stayed and talked to me while I finished my work then he walked with me to my car (it’s a long walk) and we got dinner to go and took it back to my house. When we got back to my house we ended up not eating and having sex twice then we went back downstairs and got high. We hung out for another hour or so just talking and then we had sex again. He was fixing to leave when my doorbell rang. And when I got up to get the doorbell he like grabbed me and was like don’t answer it. Who’s here. Asking me all kinds of questions and I was like bro chill out I’ll just check. Turns out his girlfriend is at my door. He starts freaking out and I’m wicked pissed but im also still kinda high. So he tells me he was like I was just kind of hoping you wouldn’t find out. Started telling me she’s toxic. She’s crazy. We’ve drifted apart. She doesn’t even pay rent. I haven’t wanted to be with her for a while but we live together. Told me his plan was to wait for their lease to be up to break up with her. All the while still dating me. So just date me for a month and half and hope I don’t find out about his literal girlfriend. Hes like panicking he won’t let me get the door anytime I try to he starts like freaking out and grabs me and I’m like if you’re not gonna let me answer the door get up and get the fucking door. I wish I had been sober cause I’d have gotten the door the first time but unfortunately I waited for him to so the poor girl was waiting there forever. I was gonna call a friend of mine cause I was like wtf is happening and he was like no don’t tell your friends I don’t want them to have a low opinion of me WHEN THEY MEET ME. Insanity. Well apparently he left his phone in his car and his car unlocked and she got ahold of his phone along with some spicy messages we had exchanged. I finally got him to get the door. And he did. And I was so pissed I was shaking and I stayed in my kitchen he opened the door. Talked to her for a second grabbed his shjt and left. They started fighting in my driveway and I definitely listened to their fight from my doorbell camera. 1) he threw me under the bus so hard 2) lied so hard to her about what was going on. Said I was coming on to him but he didn’t touch me. All kinds of stuff. I learned about an inordinate amount of lies he told me on top of his having a girlfriend. Like he basically invented a whole other person to go out with me. He comes back to my door and is like did I leave anything and I basically was just like fuck off and slammed the door. So obviously I feel terrible. Like I did not know he had a girlfriend but I feel awful for what I did. And I want to apologize to her for one and pay her back for the dinner he bought because I learned in my eaves dropping that she paid for dinner. But I also think she deserves the truth. I found her on social media. And I’ve considered reaching out but I don’t want to cause her anymore grief than I already have. Like my hesitation is I don’t want to make this worse for her. But I want to give her the opportunity to know the whole truth if it’s what she wants. But I so genuinely just really don’t want to make this worse for her and I’m afraid my reaching out of any kind will just do more harm than good. Thoughts?

TLDR:// I hooked up with a guy I did not know had a girlfriend and she showed up at my house last night while he was there. They fought on my driveway and I listened in and he so obviously lied to her and basically invented another person to go out with me. I found her socials and I’m not sure whether i should reach out to her because I don’t want to cause her more grief but I think she deserves the choice to hear the whole truth if she wants it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/djieoa on 2024-01-23 19:03:24+00:00.

Last night I tried to initiate sex with my (22f) boyfriend (27m), to which I was turned down. He had been turning down my advances for the last few days, so I asked whats up. He said he wants to wait until we get married to have sex. He’s religious, and he says it’s the best thing for us since we don’t want kids yet, so he doesn’t even want to risk it. Here’s the part I’m baffled by… we’ve been having sex on a regular basis over the past 2 years. I asked him why he suddenly wants to stop if we’ve been having sex already, and he gives the same answers. “It’s wrong before marriage” and “we’re just doing it because it feels good” and “sex is a special moment between husband and wife”. And “Were not ready for kids, we shouldn’t even risk it”. He’s not entirely wrong, but I don’t want to wait until marriage. Where do I go from here?

Edit: forgot to mention he says if we’re really meant to be then I wouldn’t break up with him JUST because of not having sex until marriage.

❗️EDIT 2: we just had a talk about this, and his reasons are entirely religious based. Because God says it’s wrong to have sex before marriage. I tried to compromise with him and asked if we could at least do oral or masturbate together and it was still a hard no. He said I can masturbate, but when I’m alone. I’m not okay with this. Besides this, he’s a great guy and I really don’t want to break up, but this is a big deal to me. And I really don’t want to get married any time soon.

TL;DR - last night my boyfriend of 2 years turned down sex and said he wants to wait until marriage. We’ve been having sex regularly for our entire relationship. I’m not cool with waiting especially when we’ve been doing it regularly. How do I move forward from here?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Xaytam on 2024-01-23 18:18:26+00:00.

Veganism is the only problem in my relationship

I am a 20-year-old young man with a 20-year-old girlfriend who is vegan, and after a year of dating I am very happy with our life but I am not vegan and sometimes veganism affects our relationship. We are both foreign students in Germany and there are many vegan options to choose from in restaurants and supermarkets here (compared to my home country). My girlfriend is going to be vegan for 4 years and veganism is a big part of her life, she has many books on veganism, an Instagram page of her vegan recipes, a virtual store of vegan sweets and she is even studying in one of the best universities at Germany Nutrition, so believe me when I tell you that she is not a typical person pretending to be vegan. Luckily I'm not a big fan of meat (except fish but here in Germany it's expensive) and I love salads, plus my girlfriend cooks very well so the food doesn't exactly bother as much when eating at home. The problem with all this is that I am not vegan, I understand their way of life and way of doing things but I have lived a totally different life but I cannot force myself to be something that I know I am not, and this girl is vegan but she is also an excellent person and above all she is very empathic so she is not going to force me to veganism or anything, even every time we talk about the subject it is me asking her about veganism because of my curiosity but she has never criticized me because of what many say " eat corpses." I had a previous relationship of 4 years in my adolescence and in this year with her I have lived, I have loved and experienced so many unimaginable things that I really feel that she is the person I want in my life forever, but I am not vegan and maybe I never will be. And This has created problems for both of us, because sometimes we go out to visit a city and the restaurants are either all vegan (I'm not a big fan of the food) or not at all vegan and she has to eat tomato soup or rice with tofu or she brings a Taper with her food done. I really love going out to eat and connecting especially in my native country, so I have doubts that it could happen the moment she comes to my country or if I continue with her and we move in together (we are planning that) I will feel guilty cooking meat always on his face, knowing that it makes her feel bad, and I also know that she has a dream of having a vegan cafe where she can serve vegan cakes and sweets. Wouldn't I be an obstacle for her to continue her vegan life? She has always been compromised to veganism and I don't want her love for me to blind her and forget these dreams. Or if her clients find out that her partner is not vegan and me at her house cooks meat, wouldn't they try to cancel her? or other vegan friends she may make in the future will not they criticize her just because I am not vegan?

I love her and this relationship is all i have in this foreign country, but i am afraid it will not work.

And yes I've tried to become vegan but a big part of my life is the food and to cook, my family memories are eating and cooking. I would love to present her to my family and all eat together deliceuos food made by me and my dad. But sadly it seems that will never happen and the worst part its that is nobody foult maybe mine idk.

My english is very bad btw She speaks portuguese, I speak spanish, the world around me is in german so i confuse the languages a little bit

Td;lr: I have problems in my relationship due to veganism and dont know how to react to them

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Jazzlike-Coach34 on 2024-01-23 16:56:20+00:00.

I left my home town for college when I was 17, while my brother never left. I met my husband five years ago, and we've been married for two. I was offered my dream job in my hometown, so three weeks ago we moved there. My brother had been living alone for a long time and recently became unemployed so I offered to have him move in with us.

Things have been going great at my new job but I've been very busy. My husband and my brother are still both unemployed, though they say they've both had a couple interviews. I was nervous at first about how the two guys would get along, since they barely knew each other beforehand.

After my first day of work, they told me they had a lot of fun hanging out and they love each other. Then over the course of the next three weeks, I've seen a gradual decline in alone time with my husband, besides when we're making love or sleeping.

I told him yesterday I wanted to go out to dinner with him that night, and he said "Your brother probably knows a good place he can show us."

I asked him "Would you rather go out just the two of us?"

Then he said "It'll be more fun with him there."

So I asked my husband "Is he afraid you'll cheat on him if you ever end up alone with me?"

Then my husband said "That's what bedtime is for."

I ended up convincing him to go out alone with me. We went to dinner, went to the movies, then went home and made love. Then we cuddled for 20 minutes before my husband decided to get up, shower, and go hang out with my brother for a couple hours before coming back to bed at some point after I had gone to sleep.

I've been thinking about it all day what happened last night. I couldn't believe my husband didn't want to stay in bed with me. I'm feeling like I'm the third wheel and the two guys in the house like each other more than me. I don't just want more alone time with my husband. I want to believe that he wants it too. I don't want to sound insecure or jealous, but I need to address this issue. What do I tell him?

TL;DR! - My husband never wants alone time with me outside the bedroom anymore because he wants to hang out with my brother constantly.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Even_Complaint_7228 on 2024-01-24 00:28:54+00:00.

TLDR; was asked out before a girls trip before i felt ready, made some mistakes he doesn’t know about, and we are still together.

i was unfaithful to my current boyfriend 7 months ago while i was away on a girls trip. a few days before we left my bf asked to make it official. at that point we had been seeing each other for a few months but hadn’t said i love you yet. i questioned if this was the right time as i had a lot going on in my personal life as my sister had a severe ED and it had turned my families life upside down. this vacation was sort of my way of escaping that reality. apart of me wanted to go into this trip single like the rest of my friends, but i also felt a sense of pressure to say yes in the moment and didn’t want to dismiss whatever we had going. he had always been there and supportive of what i was going through and i appreciated that. i knew i liked him and that he was an amazing guy, but wasn’t sure if it was it was love quite yet. there was a part of me that questioned if i was ready for a relationship again…but regardless of all of that, i took a leap of faith and i decided to give it a shot.

while i was away a few things happened on the trip that im not proud of. i didn’t have sex with anyone else but i had kissed a few guys and drunkenly made out with another…

admittedly, while being away and it being that early into our “relationship” i felt very disconnected from him. i also wondered if him asking before this holiday was strategic. regardless, i further reflected on why i would do this and figured if this was happening so early on that maybe i didn’t have the capacity for a committed relationship. i felt myself distancing emotionally in preparation.

when i got back from my trip i decided to try and talk to my bf about how i was feeling and planned on telling him all that happened. obviously, i knew that this happening this early into a relationship wasn’t a good sign. i remember beginning by telling him i felt disconnected and didn’t miss him like i thought i would. but this was kind of dismissed and he said “it was normal for me to feel that way because i was with my friends and having fun and he was at home”.

i told him that maybe i wasn’t ready and should just focus on me and my family. he told me we could get through anything. at that point i realized how much he cared about me. i felt as though telling him would relieve my guilt and only cause him pain. i saw his much he cared about me and once again wanted to give it a fair chance- we hadn’t actually had time as a couple.

i often think about how he said “we can make it through anything”. - if there’s truth to this then i wonder if this is something he can forgive me for. i’m scared to tell him and ever make him think that he wasn’t enough or feel insecure. as i’ve gotten to know him i see what an incredible person he is and how much love he has to give. we now are so in love and have a pretty healthy relationship otherwise…but it feels like a lie knowing im keeping this from him. i can’t picture my life without him.

apart of me wants to tell him and work through it…as i know not telling him is selfish and so wrong of me. but somehow it also feels selfish to tell him and pass this pain onto him or make him question his worth. he is more than enough and i would never do anything to hurt him like that again where we are at now. do i bury it and consider that vacation a right off? or do i tell him and risk losing him forever and risk causing him pain? i have so much regret and wish i told him when i planned to. not that it fixes things at all.

im known to self sabotage and get in the way of my own happiness. i’ve been in therapy about this. this situation is no exception. i’ve finally found someone healthy and good for me and i worry admitting to this will be one of my biggest regrets in life. this has been weighing on me for so long.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/OwnOlive9394 on 2024-01-24 00:25:51+00:00.

I s my gf a lesbian?

My (15m) long distance girlfriend (14f) today asked me about what would i think if she made out with another girl, i said that it would be really weird for me and wouldn’t be really comfortable, she said that she has done it some times and recently with her best friend at a party while drunk (she has only kissed really close friends and only kissed not made out with any of them) and that it is completely normal for girls to do so, even her first kiss was with a girl, she says she doesn’t like girls so it’s fine and she would be fine with me making out with a guy, which i wouldn’t do.

After i reacted like this she looked angry so i asked her what happened and she said she was expecting me to react differently (finding it as normal as she does) i apologised and said i would try to be more open minded and the thing was done.

Now im worrying while she sleeps about whether she likes girls or may be reconsidering her sexuality, am i just over worrying? should i talk more to her about this? am i too close minded?

TL;DR: my gf has made out with her female friends before and recently, she asks if im ok with it, im not and that’s a problem. should it be a problem?

Thanks in advance to everyone.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Realistic-Wealth-767 on 2024-01-24 00:20:23+00:00.

Me (22M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been together for more than 4 months (which ofc, isn’t that long). I’ve always tried to make her comfortable as that is my own priority. I am definitly not the type of guy to make selfies or mirror pics all day long, but 1 picture once in a while is nice to have imo. Well, now that I’m in a relationship I really would like to have a couple of different pictures (for instance on christmas eve, new years, etc).

Unfortunatly for me my gf does not like taking pictures at al. As I said earlier, I want her to be comfy so when I ask her to take a picture together, she just says no or later, which never happens as I don’t want to ask the same question multiple times on the same day, just feels wrong to do. In all of this time I’ve managed to get one ‘good’ picture together, which I only got after she looked uninterested, frustrated and irritated, what actually destroys my mood as I do this out of love, not hatred. Where it either ends in a forced picture or me saying I dont want a picture anymore as I see she is not doing it for me at least.

Because she doesnt like lictures, and i like them. I’ve tried to find a middle way, by only asking her for a picture when there is like an event or some sorts, or even when we are alone (so there is noone around). Even like this, she says no. Which is unfair imo as I’m trying to find a middle way.

Btw, I do know she had an insecurity about her looks (imo she is a very above average looking female). Ofc I cant tell her this, as she either denies it or feels like I dont take her insecurity seriously. (I mean duh, she’s not gonna say ‘omg yes im the most gorgeous girl ever’)

My question to everyone is: How can I address this issue to her without starting a discussion, or make her feel like she is being forced to do it? Or how can I help her overcome her insecurities?

Sorry in advance, english is not my first language.

TL;DR: my gf wont take pics with me when I really do like it, even when I’m trying to find middlegrounds

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LetsWrassle on 2024-01-24 00:08:32+00:00.

I (40m) have been married to my spouse (45f) for over 17 years. She will often just flip a switch and decide she doesn't want me to do some innocuous things and demands that I reverse my plans immediately. This is one of many, but most recently we were planning on getting a couple's massage and spa day as we love to do every time we visit Thailand. She put off booking, and we could not find a decent Spa in Chiang Mai that was not booked. She promised me that we would get one when we went back to Bangkok, then decided she didn't want to go and told me I could go by myself. She changed the plans and said I couldn't do it in Bangkok, but maybe close to our home in the suburbs on our last day and she would find a location. I was beginning to realize that she was not serious about helping me book, so I found a spa 2.5km from our house and told her that I was heading out to my appointment. She flipped out on me and said that we already talked about it (spoiler: we didn't) and I wasn't going to get a massage. I told her I was going anyway as she promised I could and I would walk if I had to. She started screaming, blocking my exit, and gaslighting me saying I just wanted a happy ending and that's why I wanted to do it. It wasn't until we had a meltdown, cry session, and me compromising saying I won't go. She triumphantly smiled and said, "See that's all I wanted. I am so glad you see it as I do now." I didn't see it like she did, but I felt that she battle-axed me down until I had no fight in me. The kicker was, she called the spa back and ordered me a massage later in the afternoon and even waited happily in the lobby for me. This kind of stuff happens all the time. She did this again the other day when I told her that I was going to go to the mall literally 1.5 blocks from the house. She didn't want to go but refused to allow me to go. I suspect it is because she wants me to prove to her that I place her above others, and she is extremely pliable when I cede first to her whims. Anybody else know what this may be or why this happens?

TL;DR: My wife constantly decides that she will not allow me to do something that has previously been agreed upon, often resulting in major fights and battle-axing me into submission

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/thisguylukas on 2024-01-23 23:51:18+00:00.

Me (19/M) and my girlfriend (19/F) are together for about 1.5 years now. This is the first real relationship for the both of us.

I started this relationship with really low self esteem, huge insecurities and huge jealousy issues, which haven’t really gotten better since. Despite all that, it’s been a huge delight, though. I love her genuinely and the feeling is mutual.

The insecurity issues didn’t really come up much in the beginning, only when she wanted to go to parties and insisted on going without me. I tried to not let the jealousy overtake and tried to act rationally as best as possible, but I’d lie, if I said, that my insecurities never started an argument. Which is not fair for her, I know.

Because of our studies, we’ve kinda gone long distance about 3-4 months ago. We tried to see each other at least once a week, which didn’t really work out every time. She’s entering examination phase and has less time overall now too.

Since then it’s been real ups and downs for her mentally, she’s trying to find new friends, didn’t really succeed in the beginning but is now forming a sort of friend group with 3 others. I’ve tried to be there at all times for her, listening, telling her that she will for sure find friends eventually and that she shouldn’t rush things.

Now since she found a nice group of people that she likes and enjoys spending time with, it’s been huge ups and downs for me. The jealousy overruns me whenever she doesn’t answer me, because she’s with them. She also isn’t a fan of introducing me to them or taking me on any activity with them together. This breaks me mentally. Rational me thinks that it’s more than fair for her to have her own friendgroup, but jealous me just isn’t really happy about not even knowing them.

Now I genuinely want her to have friends, I genuinely want her to have a great time, but whenever she’s with them and doesn’t answer me because of it, I constantly feel abandoned and forgotten.

We have argued before over things like that, she saw some of my points, not all of em.

I really wanna think, and I tell myself that I 100% trust her with all my heart, but I just can’t seem to win the fights against thoughts like „what if she thinks they are much cooler than me“, „am I embarrassing her“, „would she really stand up for me“ or „am I a high enough priority for her“.

It’s just all these little things and stuff that, I suppose, are considered normal, that fuck me up mentally.

I guess you could say, that I am far from ready to be in a relationship and I don’t want to disagree, but I just don’t want to throw away what we have. I don’t know how I can work on myself while being in this relationship, but I really don’t want to break up. I also really don’t want to do a break.

I really am desperate… any thoughts or stuff you guys can share? Thanks in advance

Also I wanna add that therapy kinda is off the table as I firstly wouldn’t be able to afford it and secondly there are VERY limited spots anyways.

tl;dr My insecurities and issues kind of ruin my otherwise healthy relationship and I really don’t want to break up

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Playful_Wonder5263 on 2024-01-23 23:46:09+00:00.

I don’t know if my friend is being an asshole or really cares??? I’m so confused

Ok so without any other context I’m going to speed run the most recent scenario. I (24M) asked my friend (25m) to go to a trivia night. Well his response was verbatim: “No, I don’t really wanna go. I told you I don’t wanna be seen until April cause I’m working on my overall body and health.” My friend has to stop drinking and smoking weed for a DUI so I can understand but at the same time I have not seen him since I helped move him into his apartment beginning of December last month. But he has gone out with another friend even though he stopped drinking.

I’m not upset he went out before with another friend but does improving yourself mean cutting people off by not physically seeing them? This has my brain going a million directions. Moving on in that same conversation I’ve had or am having family issues. And when I mentioned going to trivia he made his statement and suggested I ask my mom.

Now I have no problem with my mom it’s just that she works 9-5 and after a long day at the hospital I know she does not want to spend any time that’s not on her couch, watching tv, with a nice alcoholic drink to wine down to. So I said she is not the right choice and it went into a tangent about how I should make light of my situation which I don’t understand from the way he used it.

Our conversation:

Him: “I told you to make light of your situation and I don’t think you know how to. That’s not something me or anyone else can teach either.”

Me: “I definitely do not know how to do that 🤷🏽‍♂️ unless you meant make jokes about it”

Him: “No, it was meaningful. It’s sad how one can embrace sadness but not happiness when both are equal in emotion. I embrace sadness but I don’t complain about my sadness to others because that would be me spreading more sadness/anger into the world. We all go through stuff but everyone doesn’t complain about it. It’s just the cards they were dealt. I feel like you hate the cards you were dealt instead of just reshuffling them and making a play out of them.”

Me: “I apologize I didn’t know I was complaining. Personally thought I was sharing but I can see how that seems like I’m spreading sadness. I will refrain from my family as a topic I promise 🙏🏽”

Him: What happens if you share the same thing over and over repeatedly? I really am asking what that’s called. Then Proceeds to send two city girls lyrics and laughs at my “I will refrain from family sentence”

I don’t know what to say or do I feel crazy cause at any point he can call me and rant but I keep bringing up my family problems and I’m spreading sadness. It’s a lot more but this is a speed run for the main points.

Am I crazy or is my “friend” right?

TL;DR: My friend thinks me talking about my family problems is me spreading sadness but also he is being distance since I helped him move into his apartment. Am I losing a friend or is this a rough patch?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway48928 on 2024-01-23 23:44:39+00:00.

I (26F) am concerned about my brother (33M) who has never had a job

My brother is 33 and has never had a job in his life. He has been trying to get his accounting degree for the past 8 years and he is still not finished school. He stays at home and does nothing. Now he is saying he doesn’t even know he wants to be an accountant. That he doesn’t understand why no one calls him for an interview.

After high school my parents pushed me to become a doctor. My first degree was in premed and I failed to get into medical school. I fell into a deep depression back then. I worked for a year and then I decided I wanted to pursue nursing, because I still had the desire to work in health care. Now I have two degrees worth of loans. Currently I work as a health care aide while I’m in my last year of nursing school.

My dad has never worked and my mom worked 2 jobs.

I am in my last year of nursing school and my parents expect me to take care of everything when I’m done school. To take care of them and my brother. They take out all of their anger on me and every single day I am called a failure. They have put me in thousands of credit card and loan debt helping to pay for the family.

I feel a lot of pressure. Right now I am really concerned about my brother who has never had a job and my parents are telling me to do something. But I don’t even know how I could help him when I can’t even help myself.

TLDR; my parents expect me to take care of the family, especially my brother who is in his 30s and has never had a job

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/livik4 on 2024-01-23 23:42:10+00:00.

We had been seeing each other for 3 months. Things were going well even though he wasn’t always the best communicator or quick responder. He was so sweet and seemed “obsessed” with me in person. I thought he would ask to make it official.

Before going home to his family out of state for a month he told me we could facetime whenever. Then he started getting distant. I asked to facetime once and he didn’t answer till the next day just saying he was sleeping. I expected him to ask to facetime after that. He took hours and hours to respond, just sending pictures of his face on snapchat.

When he got back from home, I asked if he could hang out. He said he couldn’t. I say okay. Then it’s my birthday. He hasn’t responded in a day. I tell him i’m confused and just want to talk to figure out what’s happening. He asks if i want to meet up and talk the next day, never wishing me a happy birthday even though he knew it was my birthday.

The next day, he never says anything and we never meet up. He hasn’t responded in two days. I feel used and stupid. He doesn’t have the decency to say happy birthday or give me closure? I did not do anything wrong. I’m just left here confused and he’s constantly on my mind while I know he doesn’t care at all. How can I move on from this? I wish he knew how much he hurt me, but I can’t give him the satisfaction of texting him again. Any advice? I just feel really hurt.

TDLR: I was ghosted by the guy i’ve been seeing for three months on my birthday. He gave me no explanation and I thought things were going well. I feel hurt and unsure of where to go from here. Do I just try and move on or confront him? How do I move on?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Miyahchanel26 on 2024-01-23 23:41:38+00:00.

(This is a pretty long story)

It all started when this guy from my school started pursuing me outta nowhere. I’ve had some conversations with him before that and idk we just had an instant click. He looked like a bad boy on the outside, but we had lots of commonalities. We talked about meditation, social issues etc… IN CLASS. I had always thought “hmm he’s the only person in this building whom i can have a deep conversation with. Cool guy” (found out he thought the same abt me afterwards) However this was the beginning of the year and he still had a girlfriend. Im not a homewrecker so at this point there was 0 attraction and i didnt see him much after these interactions.

Then after like 2 months he started pursuing me outta nowhere, me not know he had been single for 1,5 months was kinda taken aback by this and didnt want to engage unless i knew that he wasn’t cheating. We had a conversation about it, found out she broke up with him (in the most vile way) and kept it moving. We started talking more after this, but i was pretty hard to get. Also let him know immediately “if you’re looking for a hook up or rebound im not the right person”. I feel like this made him even more interested in a sense. Time goes by, we have a great connection and there’s just this spark. However im still cautious so i start a conversation about everything. His intentions, his feelings towards her and how we’re moving forward. He has always been very transparent and honest, ALWAYS! And i didnt mind him not completely being over her bc its totally understandable, but also… we’re single. So i just said “Hey I understand, but for now im taking a few steps back. To protect myself, but i also want to give you the space to really heal and explore that area if you need to. What you guys have going on had nothing to do with me. However one thing, only pursue me once you know you are FULLY over her. Then we’ll see if my doors still open”. He agreed, but he was taken aback by me not being moved at all. It got him interested even more. And he started pursuing me and giving me reassurance. Eventhough he did that i always had this feeling of.. uncertainty. Like i couldnt give in 100%, because i just felt like my spot wasn’t secure.

Everything was perfect for the first month. Communication was great, he treated me so well and was everything but toxic. Told me he loved me. Had great walks, lot’s of holding each other and he catered to my love language (words of affirmations) Truly, till this day, i believe he’s one of the best men I’ve met. And i do believe it was genuine, but as time progressed and she kept trying to get his attention. He realized theres still a piece of him with her and he was conflicted. I asked this one question, that made him realize himself he’s not over her. I broke down, felt so betrayed. He couldn’t even look at me, i know it hurt him too. So he admitted that he would go back to her, i stopped crying and took it like a champ. Hung up, the next times i saw him at school walked past him like i never knew him.

1 months goes by and he texts me. He wants to talk and show me 20 paragraphs of what he’s been journaling about me for the past few weeks. They had tried, but she still hadn’t changed and didn’t treat him right so this time he left her and realized that he deserved better. I refuse to be the woman he settles for just because he cant have the version of her that he wants/misses, but if i give him another chance i feel like i am accepting that “2nd place” any tips?

(By the way we’ve both agreed to me letting this go and doing my thing. He wants to work on himself, get over all of it and come back when he’s a version that he believes deserves me. Just doing us right now, no contact)

TL;DR; : Boy leaves me for ex and comes running back after realizing she hasn’t changed and doesnt treat him right

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/b52boombagel on 2024-01-23 23:38:30+00:00.

Firstly, sorry to anyone who saw me post this this morning. My post was taken down due to not doing the TL;DR thing the right way.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (31F) have been together for almost 3 years. He's quite literally the best relationship I've ever had, no exaggeration. His family also loves me, which is a first for me in relationships.

Backstory: I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and it's a nightmare to deal with. I'm on meds and go to my appointments, but it's still rough. It took me a year and a half to truly trust him and feel safe with him. He was so patient with me, I could never repay him for that love and acceptance.

Which is why I feel torn about how I'm feeling. I don't know if what I'm feeling is "right", or if I'm the one who needs to look at things differently. Please let me know, because I really want to try to be looking at this in a fair way.

I had a high sex drive when we first started dating. Within a couple months, I realized (and he told me) that he has low testosterone and just doesn't crave sex. He tried taking testosterone for about 6 months, but it didn't change anything. I appreciate that he at least tried. His past girlfriends would make fun of him for it, so I promised him I'd never ever degrade him for that. So, I changed my perspective to look at the quality of sex when it does happen.

But the longer we went without sex, the more I lost my own sex drive. When we do have sex, it's 10 seconds at best and he cums. Typically no foreplay. He never makes an effort to get me off or simply be passionate during sex, despite me talking to him about it before. When he does (he's gone down on me twice in the last 2 years), it's usually because I brought it up recently and it's fresh in his mind. Hell, I even love fingerings and he knows that, but it only happens after I've brought it up. And every time I have to bring it up just to get that, it makes me less motivated to even bring it up at all.

The last time we had sex, I was so tight from not having sex in a couple months that we had to go slow at first. Within a couple seconds, he asked if I was doing okay and I told him yeah I was and that it just hurt, and he says "it's about to 'go' anyway" and he cums. Like, who says that!? I actually felt really weird after that one. I just went to clean myself up and left it at that.

Now here's my problem. When I bring anything up about it to him, I always (and I mean always) get the "well why don't you do ____?" And flips it back around on me. Then I'm left there babbling, feeling like it's my job to fix things. And, I don't know. Is it? Am I missing something here? Then it usually results with his feelings being hurt by my frustration and lack of solutions to give him, so I try not to talk about it much anymore.

I stopped initiating sex about 8 months into the relationship when I realized there was nothing in it for me. I didn't realize that until just recently. I just assumed I got over my drive and that was that.

He's honestly an amazing boyfriend except for in the bedroom, and I feel like this is potentially fixable, but I don't know if I'm the one who's doing something wrong here. If so, I want to make it right.

TL;DR amazing boyfriend (28M) and I (31F) experiencing a dead bedroom and not sure if it's on me to find a solution or what to do about the way we talk about it, what do I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Dangerous_Dot3535 on 2024-01-23 23:32:31+00:00.

Boyfriend (26M) dismissed my (24F) feelings, now unsure if I should end things. Seeking advice.

Hey everyone,

I (24F) need some advice on a situation in my relatively new relationship (a few months) with my boyfriend (26M). I flew in from a different country to visit him, and everything was going smoothly until a recent incident during my visit.

During the trip, I was jet-lagged and fell asleep on the couch. My boyfriend wanted to go to bed, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. When I woke up an hour later and went to get ready for bed, he ignored me in bed and wasn't cuddly. The next day when he was making us food, he seemed distant, and when I suddenly started crying because of how he was acting, he asked me what the matter was but didn’t even hug me or try to comfort me, leaving me feeling even more isolated.

Fast forward to a recent conversation where I brought up the situation. Instead of understanding my feelings, he responded defensively, saying I had pissed him off by falling asleep on the couch, which is why he was being cold to me.

Now, I'm contemplating whether I should break up. Has anyone been through a similar situation, or does anyone have advice on how to handle this? Feeling lost and unsure about the future.

TL;DR: I fell asleep on the couch due to jet lag, BF got pissed off, and when I cried the next day, he didn't offer comfort. In a recent conversation, he defensively mentioned I had upset him by falling asleep. Contemplating a breakup now. Advice appreciated.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Endless_Regret_1995 on 2024-01-23 23:13:37+00:00.

There has been a lot of manipulation and cheating on her part in the past. In a relationship of five years, she has cheated on me 2 times emotionally and 2 times physically. I know there are bigger things at play when it comes to cheating and we have worked to resolve those issues, but after going to counseling a big part of it was her seeing that she needs to grow up. The last time she was physically cheating on me (with someone with a wife and kids) she left me for him, emotionally manipulated me into believing it was my fault, lied to me about everything, kept me from hooking up with other people by telling me that she wasn't doing that, etc. I wonder if she is the right person for me as we are completely different people, but after a year of being back together, I feel like I'm getting to the point where I can put the past in the past.

I want to test my girlfriend by texting her from a virtual number claiming that I am the person that she cheated on me with. I understand the moral implications, but I feel like it would solidify my faith in the relationship. The question is if and what she would answer or not, and if she would tell me that he texted her. I have been struggling lately with the relationship because of differences in the kind of marriage we want, the kind of lives we want to lead, when we want to get married, when we want to have kids, how many kids, etc. I'm not looking for a reason to leave, but I feel like this is a test that would make me feel better about pushing for the things that i want (us to take care of ourselves, marriage soon, kids soon, financially responsible decisions, etc.).

TL;DR Should I text my girlfriend from a virtual number, pretending to be the guy that she cheated on me with, to see if she answers.

EDIT: I would like to make clear that I am an adult and can make my own decisions, and no where in my post did I ask if I should break up with my girlfriend or not. I appreciate those who put content regarding the question I had asked, not whether or not I should be in this relationship.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/basalganglia_ on 2024-01-23 23:10:35+00:00.

I (28F) became friends with X (30M) a little over a year ago. We became comfortable with each other quickly and have built a really nice friendship thus far. I admit I have always found him attractive but since he has been with his different-continent long distance girlfriend (27F) for a few years, I have kept my expectations and interactions platonically.

However, his flirting has really ramped up the past few months to the point where I feel like I have to say something. We have always had really great banter and are laughing majority of the time together. However a few months into our friendship he started acting like a little boy on the playground. Taking things out of my hands or taking my hats and chucking it across the room, getting my attention in a group just to flip me off, stealing my seat whenever I get up, etc.

He has now started making much more directed comments towards whatever is going on between us. When I ask him for help or he sees me struggling, he’ll say a comment like “I never do XYZ for anyone, I hope this shows how much I care about you”. This has been said multiple times.

He and his girlfriend married spontaneously a few months ago while she was visiting. When I first met up with them and gave him a congratulatory fist bump (he will not hug me but is fine rubbing my back, my arm, or playing with my hands) he said “Are you going to rip up my marriage license now?” then proceeded to spend more time with me than his NEW wife. He told me she brought this up and wasn’t happy he was running around all night instead of being with her.

There was another instance where he said his “marriage really got in the way of our (he and mine) will-they-wont-they relationship.”

He has stated, maybe jokingly, I make him nervous and hot and bothered.

I’ve caught him staring at me multiple times.

He will leave conversations with others just to talk to me. Or insert himself into convos I’m having. We always end up sitting or standing next to each other.

He has been a supporter of me being a homewrecker with one of my married coworkers or any unavailable man that approaches me. Which I tell him again and again I would never do.

He said that I’m his favorite person in our friend group and that it scares him how alike we are.

I’m starting to have feelings for him. I try not to instigate flirty encounters. I do not want anything to happen as I would feel beyond guilty and I know I would never trust him. I want him to be a better man for his wife and himself.

I don’t know how to approach this. It’s hard to tell if he’s just friendly, it’s innocent flirting, or something else going on. I don’t want to ruin our friendship group either. Multiple people in our group have noticed his need for my undivided attention and that he only acts this way with me. Help!!

tldr My (28F) married friend (30M) is pushing boundaries and I don’t know what to make of it.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwra_amithefool on 2024-01-23 22:45:11+00:00.

I've (25M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (30F) for more than 1 year and I find things that raises suspicion here and there, but I can't tell if what I'm seeing is actually worthy of suspicion or if I'm just a sensitive asshole.

We have a pretty stable, sedentary lifestyle for the most part and I'd like to preface this by pointing out that I feel that she does genuinely love me and want to spend a lot of time together, but I can't shake the feeling that something might be off.

Some things that I find are red flags are:

• She gets angry easily
  • If something inconveniences her or doesn't go the way she wants, she'll become inconsolable and she'll just see red
  • She'd even take her anger out on me and start criticizing me
    • I've already talked to her about this and she's gotten better, but it's very tiring to hear her curse up and down when something does come up
• She hints me about very expensive stuff
  • She often hints at me that she wants designer items worth $6k+, a ~$25k wedding ring, and a $50k wedding
    • I've talked to her about why she wants all these things and she tells me that she comes from a tough childhood where she didn't have much luxurious stuff growing up, so she wants to have these things at least some point in her life
    • I think this point is fair, but it's a little concerning having these hints come up ever so often
  • At this point, I'm unsure if I should be concerned because she DOES help pay for things here and there, but I'm the one that mostly pays for stuff
    • Maybe this is a fair trade since she bought a house and most of her money goes there?
    • I do help by paying rent too
  • She also tends to ingest a lot of content on social media that makes her compare herself to people on there (and she acknowledges this too) so I wonder if this has anything to her wanting all these expensive stuff
• She asks for favors a lot
  • She says that her love language is "acts of service", but she asks me to do the most menial tasks like:
    • Giving her phone from the desk that she is inches away from
    • Making me cook something that she could have done herself while I was driving to her place for an hour
    • Making me turn off the A/C in the car while I'm driving even though she's also inches away from the button
  • Because she owns a house, her expectation is that a boyfriend should be able to help around the house to improve it
    • I'm not talking about JUST cleaning. I'm talking about things like changing the flooring, installing lights in the ceiling, and installing new cabinets
    • I've already expressed to her that I'm not a contractor and not good with huge projects like these and would rather pay for someone to do it for us
    • She acknowledges that I do a lot for her, but somehow I feel that if I lessen the amount I do, she'll think I'm less of a man
  • We were also talking about people not being able to live so luxuriously after owning a home because of the mortgage and she says "good thing I have a boyfriend"
    • I replied back "Am I an ATM to you or something?" and she kind of stutters from there.
    • Not sure exactly what she meant by that, but if my question was out of pocket then I apologize for that
• She doesn't take rejection well
  • If she asks me to do something with her, she'll expect me to just say yes and give me a hard time if I tell her I don't want to do it.
    • She eventually backs down if I firmly tell her I don't want to do something, but she won't be happy
    • However, when it's my turn to invite her to do something, she'll turn me down 8/10 times.
    • If I try to be persistent as well, she'll go to make me happy but her face obviously shows she's not enjoying her time and it just kills the mood
  • All of this to point out that whenever she wants to do something, it feels like it MUST happen, but when I want something then she gives me a hard time

I've communicated to her about everything I've pointed out here. We get into arguments and she does things to make me happy in the moment but she'll go right back to doing the same thing soon after.

I know the easiest answer is "if you're not happy then leave", but I'm trying to understand her more as a person.

Is there anything I should be concerned about?

TLDR; Girlfriend gets angry easily, hints about expensive stuff often, asks for favors a lot, and doesn't take rejection well. Can't tell if I'm being manipulated or not.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/TransitionCold9467 on 2024-01-23 22:44:36+00:00.

I 28m have been dating a girl 24f for 5 months. She's sweet, funny, takes initiative, caring and i can be my full self around her. The only caviat being she's not really interested in the world besides music and art so we never have interesting conversations outside those realms and my romantic feeling have dwindled.

I don't find myself wanting to see her much or missing her, just more the feelings of wanting to hang out with your buddy.

Out of respect for her I feel I need to end things as I have stopped seeing a future with her but it's really bugging me if I'm making a mistake leaving someone who is almost perfect as there will never be a perfect girl. In the past it was always very easy when I didn't like somene.

Tldr: on the fences if not being able to have interesting conversations is worth breaking up over.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Stargazer_quartz on 2024-01-23 22:38:36+00:00.

I’m not sure what the best subreddit to put this question in would be, so if this isn’t the right one, please point me in the right direction.

Summary: Friend who ghosted me sent me a facebook friend request, I would like advice on my options

I (NB, 25) and my ex-bestfriend V (NB, 25) were best friends from ages about 13 or 14 to 17. We were very close — Whenever my mum would go on business trips for example, V would stay over for those few days so I wouldn’t get lonely. I also had them over a lot because their home life was terrible. After highschool, my family moved, and I kept in touch with most of my friends. But pretty much as SOON as I moved, V stopped responding to my messages. At first I had assumed they were just busy with work and life, but after about a week with NO response, I started asking around our friend group to see what was up, and I was worried they were in the hospital or something and no one had thought to tell me. But, nope, they were perfectly fine, and responding to other people, they just decided to never speak to me again. This was incredibly painful, obviously, but doubly so because of how several years before my childhood best friends suddenly stopped speaking to me with no explanation, which V knew about.

V just sent me a friend request on facebook. It’s been over 7 years since we last spoke. I plan on messaging them, to open up a dialogue and see what happened, but I am unsure about what to say.

To me, it seems like my options are:

1. The passive route. Just say “Hello” or “hey, how are you doing?” I’d rather not do this one.
2. The passive aggressive route. Say “Hi?”
3. The open book route. Type out a message asking why they friend requested me, and make it clear that they had hurt me.
4. The meme route. I REALLY want to do this one, but I feel like it probably has some drawbacks I’m not seeing. My first draft is that meme of a confused Nick Young but with the caption “TFW your highschool best friend sends you a facebook friend request after ghosting you 7 years ago” or something, or I may do a ghost busters meme (because ghosting). This is the one the friends I’ve asked so far have supported.
5. Ignore them (I don’t want to do this one)

TL:DR One of my close high school best friends ghosted me right after high school and has recently reached out. The ghosting REALLY hurt me, and I want to open up a dialogue, but I am unsure what to say. What should I say? Are there options I haven’t thought of?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/notafanofkaraoke on 2024-01-23 22:34:18+00:00.

I (24F) and my boyfriend (28M) are having a quite nice relationship. We’ve been with each other for almost 2 years, through some ups and downs. Recently we had a serious discussion about whether we should move into the next phase (which is preparing for marriage), and realised we are not matched with each other’s future spouse criteria, in a materialistic way. He wants an ordinary life and doesn't care much about career development, while I’m more ambitious than that and expect my future spouse to be the same. But being with him is very comfortable. Like if we keep the relationship at the current stage, it feels like it could last as long as we want to. And he told me the same thing. If we break up, is that a wise decision or there is a chance I will lose a person that hard to find again?

TLDR: Should I break up with my boyfriend because he isn't as ambitious as I want him to be?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowAwayTVOff on 2024-01-23 22:29:58+00:00.

This is not the end of the world, and our relationship is overall healthy. But I wanted to get some other perspectives on this issue.

I have some issues with insomnia. I have "flare ups" a few times a year and try very, very hard to keep good sleep hygiene the rest of the time. I don't like lights on, turn my phone off beforehand, and don't want any sound (white noises like a fan can be fine).

My partner had sleep issues before and did not go down the same route as me. Instead, he needs TV to sleep. I like to go to bed when I'm tired, so I can go straight to sleep (I've read doing a lot of non-sleep activity in bed is bad for your ability to sleep). He goes to bed before he's tired so he can wind down, and expects me to do the same. This leads to arguments when I don't want to watch multiple episodes. I compromise by watching one each night, even though I truly never, ever want to--he still thinks it's not enough, but he's fine with it as a compromise. But he will continue to watch things afterward and the light and sound is very difficult for me.

I have tried to just move to the guestroom when it's too much for me, but this upsets him. I have tried to compromise by saying it's fine for him to continue watching things, but here's a (short!) list of things that I do not want on while I sleep. Literally just a list of three things, two of which I don't want on due to specific noises that bother me, and one because they are an argumentative Youtuber that I particularly hate (I leave the room if he watches this person during the day, which is completely fine, but in bed I obviously would not be able to escape it). He will stop watching this person for a few days and then turn on one of their videos. I will struggle to sleep while this person talks and will ask him to please change the video, and it causes my partner to say, "I don't know why you hate him, he's not doing anything you hate, he's not saying anything that affects you," etc.

I am not trying to overly restrict him. He has a lot else he can--and does--watch. He can watch these people/programs during the day with no problems. I just do not want to try to sleep with them on the TV. Is that asking too much? How can I compromise further so that I'm not getting too good of a deal here, while he's having to give too much up?

TL;DR Partner needs TV on while he winds down/goes to sleep. I hate it, but have compromised by saying he can watch anything except these few things. At least once a week he will put on something on the list anyway. What compromise can be made here?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Cranberryj3lly on 2024-01-23 22:11:38+00:00.

I recently discovered over the holidays that it’s my partner who, through lots of micro actions, has made it difficult for me to experience life fully. I’ve struggled with this for so long that I just thought it was part of one of my chronic illnesses, but turns out it goes away if I’m away from him for an extended period of time.

I am serious about him being my life partner and don’t know how to have a conversation about this without him completely shutting down (something he does often) or acting like I’m trying to tell him that I want to break up.

Any help would be really great. I struggle with bringing concerns to him because no matter how delicately I try to put it, he always comes back to me with “I can’t do anything right” or “I need you to phrase things to me without using you statements.” But it gets complicated trying to explain how one of his behaviors is impacting me if I can’t use the word “you.”

TLDR: My partner triggers serious mental health issues for me and I want to address it but don’t know how to do it in a way where he’ll actually hear what I’m saying instead of jumping to conclusions.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway1283287 on 2024-01-23 21:55:38+00:00.

For some context, we met off of a dating app back in October and started dating in late November. We've been together for just a little over two months. We also both go to the same university. She is my first GF while she's had a couple uneventful flings. Objectively, our relationship has progressed very smoothly up to this point. She's a very sweet person and I've become very infatuated with her.

However, now that the new quarter has begun (our school uses a quarter system rather than a semester system, it basically makes everything much more fast paced), it's been increasingly hard to see her in person. This is because of her busy schedule. She's a STEM major and is also extremely involved in running her sorority. As of now, there is consistently only 1 day a week where we can meet and hangout in private. Even weekends are unavailable because she claims "something always comes up). On the other hand, I'm a A&H major with a lot of time on my hands. While I try to keep myself busy with videogames, the handful of clubs I'm a member of, and HW, I always end up with several hours of free time almost every day. I also lost my friend group at the start of the school year which has left my social circle pretty empty. I still talk to my friends from HS and my parents, but there aren't many people whom I can call a friend.

I try to make the time I have with her as fun as I can, taking her places she's never been and trying to cater to our mutual interests. Even though we have fun and we're together for maybe 5-6 hours, it all feels so short to me. I'd NEVER tell her this, but I'm kind of an anxious and clingy person. I sometimes check my phone constantly waiting for her to respond to one of my texts or checking if she's active on Instagram to see if she's on her phone. She's not the best texter in the world either which does not help. She maybe takes 3 hours to respond to a text on average while I'm an almost instant responder. We've recently gotten into the habit of calling every night which is nice but it's obviously not the same as talking face to face.

A couple of times I've suggested a date idea that I know she likely can't attend, but I suggest it anyways on the off chance she is available. Every time she says she can't make it she apologizes profusely and says she's trying really hard to fit me into her schedule. I always respond saying that she should never feel guilty for being busy but that I'm just trying to make plans if I see the potential for one. I've since promised I'd stop doing this since it made her somewhat angry that I "acted like she has better things to do with her time".

Now, she's currently sick after going to one of her sorority sister's parties over the weekend meaning our plans for the week are cancelled. Obviously I'm not mad at her for being ill and I've offered to grab medicine, food, etc for her if she needs it. I am super sad I can't see her this week. I've thought about dropping off a written "get well soon" card to her apartment but I don't know if that's too overbearing when I've already told her to get better over text & phone call.

I just feel very lost at the moment. And before anyone suggests it, no, I don't want to break up with her. I think a lot of the problems stem from my own head and lack of relationship experience. People who have been in similar relationships, how did you remedy/deal with it? Is there anything I could possibly say to her or do I continue as I have so far?

TL;DR: My girlfriend is very busy with work while I am not. I try to stay busy with myself but I find myself having anxiety attacks over not being able to see her often. Do I just deal with it until I get used to it or is there something I can do to remedy the situation? Is there anything I should say to her?

Thank you.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/lazyshumai on 2024-01-23 21:48:54+00:00.

First off, apologies if transactional is not the right word in this scenario!

I (24F) & my bf (25M) have been together for a little over 3 years. We have definitely been through our up’s and downs, but I have noticed that recently in the last year or so we have become competitive(?) in a way regarding our relationship.

By competitive I mean like, keeping track of who did the dishes last, who paid for dinner last and who does more chores and therefore gets a break from xyz, things like that.

I honestly didn’t think it was affecting our relationship until we got into a huge argument about unloading the dishwasher and it made me realize that our keeping score has turned us into petty, kid-like “no you do it!”, “but I did this!”.

I want to eradicate this tally keeping and go back to being collaborative and having one of us pick up the slack when needed and vice versa. I can’t even really pin point why we have become like this, when in the past we were so good at helping each other out.

TLDR: Boyfriend & I used to be a great team, now we score keep every little thing and I want it to change.