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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Even_Complaint_7228 on 2024-01-24 00:28:54+00:00.
TLDR; was asked out before a girls trip before i felt ready, made some mistakes he doesn’t know about, and we are still together.
i was unfaithful to my current boyfriend 7 months ago while i was away on a girls trip. a few days before we left my bf asked to make it official. at that point we had been seeing each other for a few months but hadn’t said i love you yet. i questioned if this was the right time as i had a lot going on in my personal life as my sister had a severe ED and it had turned my families life upside down. this vacation was sort of my way of escaping that reality. apart of me wanted to go into this trip single like the rest of my friends, but i also felt a sense of pressure to say yes in the moment and didn’t want to dismiss whatever we had going. he had always been there and supportive of what i was going through and i appreciated that. i knew i liked him and that he was an amazing guy, but wasn’t sure if it was it was love quite yet. there was a part of me that questioned if i was ready for a relationship again…but regardless of all of that, i took a leap of faith and i decided to give it a shot.
while i was away a few things happened on the trip that im not proud of. i didn’t have sex with anyone else but i had kissed a few guys and drunkenly made out with another…
admittedly, while being away and it being that early into our “relationship” i felt very disconnected from him. i also wondered if him asking before this holiday was strategic. regardless, i further reflected on why i would do this and figured if this was happening so early on that maybe i didn’t have the capacity for a committed relationship. i felt myself distancing emotionally in preparation.
when i got back from my trip i decided to try and talk to my bf about how i was feeling and planned on telling him all that happened. obviously, i knew that this happening this early into a relationship wasn’t a good sign. i remember beginning by telling him i felt disconnected and didn’t miss him like i thought i would. but this was kind of dismissed and he said “it was normal for me to feel that way because i was with my friends and having fun and he was at home”.
i told him that maybe i wasn’t ready and should just focus on me and my family. he told me we could get through anything. at that point i realized how much he cared about me. i felt as though telling him would relieve my guilt and only cause him pain. i saw his much he cared about me and once again wanted to give it a fair chance- we hadn’t actually had time as a couple.
i often think about how he said “we can make it through anything”. - if there’s truth to this then i wonder if this is something he can forgive me for. i’m scared to tell him and ever make him think that he wasn’t enough or feel insecure. as i’ve gotten to know him i see what an incredible person he is and how much love he has to give. we now are so in love and have a pretty healthy relationship otherwise…but it feels like a lie knowing im keeping this from him. i can’t picture my life without him.
apart of me wants to tell him and work through it…as i know not telling him is selfish and so wrong of me. but somehow it also feels selfish to tell him and pass this pain onto him or make him question his worth. he is more than enough and i would never do anything to hurt him like that again where we are at now. do i bury it and consider that vacation a right off? or do i tell him and risk losing him forever and risk causing him pain? i have so much regret and wish i told him when i planned to. not that it fixes things at all.
im known to self sabotage and get in the way of my own happiness. i’ve been in therapy about this. this situation is no exception. i’ve finally found someone healthy and good for me and i worry admitting to this will be one of my biggest regrets in life. this has been weighing on me for so long.