Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/BreadfruitNo4968 on 2024-01-22 06:07:44+00:00.

I'm 37M, he's 26M.

I'm in a 13-year relationship (opened for poly after 8 years) with someone (34M). I met a guy (26M) who hasnt been in a relationship. We've only met 4 times physically while talking to each other online everyday for 2 years. I know most things about his life--his family, his work, his fears, his dreams, even his shirt and underwear size. He only knows few things about me. But I was transparent about my open relationship.

We haven't had sex yet.

Then I popped the question just recently. I wanted to get more serious. 34M is okay with it. He's meeting someone as well.

But 26M didnt want to. He's wants our current "relationship". Says he's gonna be sad if we don't talk like we used to and fears I might ghost him since guys his age does that.

Cue: Charlie Puth and Selena Gomez

I said our bond's not going to change...

...knowing full well it will.

TL;DR! I'm 37M, he's 26M. Started as a daddy, I think I just became his dad.

What should I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/catch96 on 2024-01-22 05:58:02+00:00.

We’ve been together 2 years now, my longest relationship. And my only relationship since I’ve started adulting a little over a year ago.

For many many months, I haven’t felt my emotional needs being met. I’ve felt like the facilitator of our relationship for so long. My sex drive continued to drop. I’ve felt disconnected once before for about a month or less. We talked it out, and everything was okay for a little bit. But then my needs just kept not being met and I continued to have to facilitate our relationship for me to get what i needed emotionally. I’ve felt disconnected from him since about October-December.

I had a conversation with him about it end of December before our anniversary on Jan 1st. But before that conversation on how I’ve been feeling, he had noticed I was disconnected for a little and he started trying to make efforts in December. After our conversation, he’s continued to make efforts in meeting my needs and I’ve made a better effort in being open to his efforts as I’ve been so tired of having to tell him how I feel and what I need throughout our relationship before that I’ve been closed off prior to our conversation.

It’s only been a few weeks so maybe it’s too soon to say, but it’s been since October that I’ve felt like this. And yes, he’s making efforts now and I’m trying to be open to it but I still don’t want to have sex and I’m still wondering if I love him. I feel like I do cuz it scares me to not have him in my life. I do like the life we share together. We don’t live together but we spend days at eachother’s places. We spend time with eachothers family, etc etc. This is my longest relationship, so it’s very solidified and incorporated into my life. It scares me to let him go.

They say there are lulls in relationships, and I’m wondering if this is just that and if other people go through these things too and eventually come out on the other side?

TL;DR Been with bf for 2 years, I think I still love him cuz it scares me to not be with him but I’ve felt disconnected for months, and it’s only been a few weeks we’ve tried to make change since I’ve had a conversation with him a few weeks ago. Is this common in long term relationships where sometimes we get disconnected and don’t know what we’re feeling?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/JustADumbAssMofo on 2024-01-22 05:52:37+00:00.

So I (24F) met my soon to be ex husband(39M) when I was 18. I was in a bad situation and he offered a couch for me to crash on when I needed it. I ended up moving in with him a year later. He's not from here, and one day when we were drinking he jokingly asked if I would marry him if he needed it to keep him in the country. I said no. Fast forward 2 years and we've become 'involved', but I've told him over and over again that I'll grow out of him one day and that all of this is probably a result of my past (mother was very emotionally unavailable, physically and emotionally abusive stepfather, and bio father is a convicted pedo... you can probably fill in the blanks). We were very close friends, but I was certain I felt nothing romantic for him.

Something happens with his sponsorship one day and he's asking me if I will marry him to keep him in the country or he'll have to "go underground". I said yes in the heat of the moment but wasn't very comfortable. I asked a lot of questions and tried to find an alternative solution. He would get angry with me every time I brought up my doubts or if I cried about the situation, saying that he needed me to make up my mind so he could decide what he was going to do. I felt like I couldn't say no, but honestly, that was probably my own misplaced guilt that had nothing to do with him. I felt like he'd saved me and I needed to do the same. No one in my life approved of the situation, saying he was taking advantage of me and manipulating me. The night before our wedding I was crying my eyes out and was completely inconsolable, but still I didn't back out for some reason.

Within our first year of marriage, we'd had a couple of drinks and he wanted to have sex. I told him only if he wore a condom. He didn't want to, but I told him he either wore one or nothing was going to happen. I should mention that I was on the pill and would sometimes allow him to not wear a condom, but I liked that extra protection from falling pregnant. I had also only lost my virginity after I'd met him when I was 18 (to someone else), so I didn't have a lot of experience. He agreed to wear the condom. At some point during sex, I felt like something was off, so I reached down and realised that the condom was no longer on. I freaked out, thinking it had fallen off inside me. He told me it was on the floor, and when the realisation hit that he'd taken it off and put it there, I felt small and used. I started crying and he tried to comfort me, saying he didn't think it would be a big deal and that it was a mistake. I thought maybe I was overreacting because of my trauma, even after I read up on stealthing.

I tried to get over what happened, but I just couldn't. It took me a while before I opened up to anyone about it. I felt so much anger towards him, even though he apologised. We were constantly fighting, which wasn't the norm for us before we'd gotten married. We stopped being intimate as often as we used to, and when we were, I would sometimes cry after. I had pity sex with him on his birthday, but I had a panic attack thinking that he'd taken the condom off even though he hadn't. It was after that that I became very aware that something was broken that wouldn't be able to be fixed. We ended things not long after that. I didn't want to divorce him yet because he'd built a company up out of nothing and he would lose it all if I did so, but things between us escalated quite a lot when he realised it was truly over. I recently moved out with my dog to stay with my uncle 3 hours away. I called him from here and told him that I would be filing for a divorce soon. He didn't seem surprised, but did say some things I'm sure were meant to make me feel guilty, like "I'm going to get deported, I'm sure you'll be happy about that. I wish you all the best for your future", and "I'll be gone and everything I worked hard for was for nothing", and "I was in love with you. I wanted a future with you".

Anyway... I started talking to some people in my life about things that had happened, and they pointed out that a lot of things seemed off. Like the fact that he'd asked if I would marry him when he barely knew me. That we never REALLY fought even though I'm a pain in the arse sometimes. That he still wanted to have sex with me after I told him he was probably a daddy issue and I'd told him what that man had done to me. That he didn't seem to know his condom size even though he's in his 30's, so the condoms would fall off or break. That he wouldn't notice when the condom fell off or broke until after he was done. That, if he wasn't wearing a condom, he couldn't tell he was about to finish when I'd asked him not to do it inside me.

The big questions are, do I just divorce him, resulting in his deportation, or should I press charges as well? What's the difference between someone 'making a mistake', as he calls it, and being a predator? I know that life isn't black and white, that there's a lot of shades in between, but how can we tell when someone is more bad than they are good? I feel like I'm drowning in this. I just need a little advice.

TL;DR I'm divorcing someone 15 years older than me because he stealthed me (took the condom off without my consent). Should I press charges while I'm at it?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Timely_Pineapple_635 on 2024-01-22 05:52:25+00:00.

My boyfriend are 5 1/2 years recently got laid off and found a job two hours away by his family‘s ranch house. I stayed behind before picking up and leaving to make sure this job is sustainable for us. He comes home on Saturday evening and leaves Sunday evening to see me and our one-year-old. Sometimes he doesn’t come home though. When he is out there, he’s not very good at communicating. I don’t need much. Just a text here and there during the day to make sure he’s OK.

This past weekend I did not hear from him for two days From Friday evening until he called me tonight which is Sunday evening. I say hello, he says what’s up. I say what’s up? I haven’t heard from you in two days. I was worried and you didn’t even bother to text or call after all the texts I sent you. he says I’ll do better and changes the subject to my eye. I’m dealing with shingles while taking care of our one-year-old by myself. I switched back and said that it’s not OK that I did not hear from him for two entire days. He said that his friend and his friends kids came to hunt and hang out at the ranch. so he has Service to call his friend to come but can’t send me a five second text? I’m just at my wits end and don’t know if I can do this anymore. I was crying and upset and he said he was not going to be yelled at on a Sunday night. I said I was done and he said ok fine hung up on me. Idk what to do?? I know I deserve better.

TD;LR: BF 37/M works and lives 2 hours away and doesn’t prioritize me (32/F) and our daughter (1/F)

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Unique-Pineapple2749 on 2024-01-22 05:44:45+00:00.

A little back story. We have been dating for about 6 months. We were both previously in long term relationships. Both of us took a break from dating for 6-12 months before dating again. We have a lot in common when it comes to values, what we want out of life, etc. and for the most part we get along very well.

He is a great guy, I care about him, he cares about me. He certainly tries to show me that, and he indicates he looks to the future for us. For some reason, I find myself feeling an underlying sense of discontent with him. I try to be self aware and I realize there is no OBVIOUS reason for this. There is only one thing that comes to mind.

My previous relationship was with someone who I would describe as my best friend. The connection between us was undeniably strong and we loved each other more than words could describe. We could finish each others sentences, and we made each other feel loved without even trying. Kinda hard to describe. Unfortunately, some unhealthy things happened which ended in us parting ways. That’s that.

I consider myself over that part of my life, however there’s part of me that wonders if the discontent I feel is because I don’t feel the connection that I felt with my previous partner. I don’t expect it to be the same, I don’t expect anything to be the same, and I don’t want it to be. However, in a way, I feel my current partner does not make me feel loved and cared about in a way that I recognize emotionally. I feel like we lack a certain connection no matter how “well” things are going. I’m having trouble deciphering if this is truly a lack of connection, or if this is me subconsciously having expectations of feeling the same way I did in my previous relationship.

TL;DR: The person I am dating is seemingly perfect in every way, but I find myself discontent and feeling we lack connection. I cannot tell if this is bc we actually lack connection, or if I’m projecting expectations from a previous relationship.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/smoothbrain404 on 2024-01-22 05:38:51+00:00.

Where to start...?

One of my best friends in the world is having some problems. Major, (mostly) self-induced issues.

My pal, we'll call him Cody, I've known him since we were teens. He's a good dude, one to fly off the handle at times, but I need to talk some sense into the fella.

He's been chatting with a female (call her Alice) that lives over 2000 miles away. He's a west coaster and she's near the great lakes. Cody's gonna be 35 in March. Alice is 19, she graduated class of 2023.

Welp, reddit, he's a big dumb moron and the brain trust that these two make together had a plan that went tits up... utter foobar almost instantly.

Cody decides that this "smart and mistreated" young woman is the love of his life and he decides to move her out to the west coast with him, into his bachelor pad. To the kinda bachelor pad that you already know has never had a thorough cleaning or orderly set-up since he moved in last summer. To a place where she has no friends, no job, no prospects. Sure, he says she can borrow his car and get a job and help make money so that they can better their situation together...

He buys a one-way plane ticket, with the plan to grab Alice and take her "home" -- she's into the idea, she's done her part and picked up a job to help finance her end of this bargain. Now, Alice is a young person that still lives at home with her parents... they've not been mentioned, because Alice hasn't mentioned Cody to them at all. Sure, they've been long distance dating for the better part of 7 or 8 months -- but the parents are clueless.

Alice is at work, she's chatting about her wonderful Oregon boyfriend to the few work pals she keeps and her boss overheard the plan: It's Alice's final day, she's getting picked up by Cody, he's coming to take her away from her "terrible" family home. Boss calls the parents, drops them the 411. Now they've got the drop on Cody & Alice's boneheaded plan.

Alice gets home (I imagine she's trying hurriedly to pack her most important belongings), when her parents confront her, the cops get called... They arrive and after a few words from her parents about her having "ADHD & Autism" and the cops interview her for around 2 hours. The parents send Alice off to Grandma's for a few days. (Quotes -- this is Cody's wording, he says that her parents play up her mental status to overrule her)

Cody arrives to the local airport. His credit card is having issues and he can't get the cargo van he reserved. You can't rent an airport vehicle with a debit card if you can't cover the deposit on it, too. (I'm an adult, I know this... and all of this is so incredibly hard to type, because putting all of it into words, through Cody's perspective, holy cow, reddit, don't hold back) Cody learns this on the spot. He can't get the car.

A time passes, he's finally about to get a vehicle (dunno if van or not) and he gets a phone call from the police. They had his number, because he ordered a box of chocolates to her workplace for her NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY in mid December. The doordash caught the Boss' attention as strange -- very unusual at the workplace -- and she recorded the info.

The police tell Cody that Alice has requested NOT to speak to him. They tell both of them to lose the other's number. Cody's mouthing off, and the officer tells him they are considering picking him up for grooming if he arrives to the house. He bails on his plan. He texts my wife, in a panic, he wants to talk to me, he needs that one friend he hasn't run off. I'm stone cold asleep after a 12 hour shift and 20 hours of awake time. I'm an adult. I have a job. We have kids. ( wife sliding in here just to say I had to talk to this dude till 1:30am. 10/10 would've rather had sleep paralysis. and hemorrhoids.)

Cody calls one of his parents and secures a return trip $400 flight (OH, I know he doesn't have that in reserve). When his parents pick him up from the airport, he's going on about how Alice called him -- and since she wanted to talk to him, he'd answer. He mentions that now that this happened, she's now going to work hard and save money and buy a car....and you guessed it, drive to the west coast "best coast" to live out her fantasy dream of spending it with Cody.

You know, right after they get married and start having kids. Cos that's how fairy tales end.

TL;DR -- Long time (boneheaded) friend leaves to whisk a witless woman almost half his age off her feet, move her 2,500 miles away -- plan blows up when parents find out, cops get called, and he returns home empty-handed, but with a future plan for them to get back together. 35M Cody, 19F Alice.

(UPDATE) My questions:

How do I figure out the best way to tell someone as close as a brother, that this is too much? That he is so far out of bounds that I question everything about our friendship.

How could I tell him this news, while making sure he doesn't go off the handle and say some self-harm heartening kinda vibe?

When faced with a decision like this - how can I help make sure he's supported? When we spoke on the phone today, I hesitated, but I nearly asked if he'd consider therapy. What is a good way to initiate a long distance intervention?

When long form conversations have failed, how do you tell family enough is enough?

(edit: curse word out)

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/CursedDiaper on 2024-01-22 04:22:36+00:00.

So my and my partner have been together for around 11 months ago and conceived our beautiful baby boy really early in our relationship.

She had a medium sized dog and a cat (I’m a dog person but I’m allergic to cats so I just avoid it and I do fine). I knew that they were part of the package since they were here before I was.

She is a rather impulsive person, I’m not the greatest myself but I at least can admit it and include her on any big decisions. There was many times during the pregnancy that she insisted that we get a kitten or a puppy but I always said no, let’s see how things are when the baby is here. I knew that just having a newborn wouldn’t be easy.

Anyways, in November when I was working in a remote location she called me and said that “there was these bad people that were going to be getting rid of this German shepherd puppy on side the road but they would trade the puppy for an Xbox” and she said that she wanted to foster the dog for 2 weeks until she finds new owners. I told her that I knew she would get attached but she said she wouldn’t. I also reinforced that it would be extremely difficult to take care of our baby along with a puppy. I told her that I can’t control the decisions she makes but I hope that she would make a smart decision… She got the dog.

Now we have our newborn, born late December and the puppy has become a nuisance. The puppy steals the baby’s clothes, barks, urinates and poops literally everywhere, and she does little to prevent it. It also has chewed up most of his pacifiers and bottle nipples. I only found out because I asked her where they all went and she said she didn’t know, but shortly after I saw him chewing on a bottle nipple. She was covering for the puppy and only admitted to it once I caught him in the act. I get extremely irritated because she just lets him get away with everything and all I end up doing is disciplining and cleaning up after the puppy while working full time and doing most of the house tasks.

When I get frustrated she tells me that It’s all in my head and that I shouldn’t let it bother me because I’m allowing myself to get mad.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like this has become extremely disrespectful, she made a decision that I didn’t agree with, and now makes be feel bad for being frustrated and resentful about something I warned her about. Should I leave? She won’t budge on the dog and she says if I do that I’ll be ruining our suns home life because of the dog… Do I just stay for my son? The thought of leaving my baby boy makes be sick to my stomach.

TL:DR: partner got a puppy without agreeing before we had our newborn and now the household has become chaos. Should I leave?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/User526100183610 on 2024-01-22 03:20:34+00:00.

Ok not me, but my fiancé. Basically my fiancé (Aidan)s dad is essentially a billionaire. I have always been so so close with my big sister and she was essentially in the role of my mom in a lot of ways (my mom is a narcissist). I started dating Aidan almost three years ago and started getting expensive gifts and trips and moved in together and got a cute little house and I have a huge engagement ring. I feel so terrible because I don’t want her to compare her life to mine or hate me because of who I’m with or the things I have. We used to relate a lot more (I didn’t go to college so we were both living and working at the same time) and would complain about rent and all that and now when she complains to me I can’t relate and don’t know what to say. We talked about it on FaceTime once and she started crying saying it’s hard sometimes seeing the things I have and she has to work long hours and get shit pay ( she’s a teacher bless her heart). She even asked me to open my bday presents from him just the two of us so it wouldn’t feel awkward when I opened hers and my other friends (they didn’t care). We also have our weddings around the same time and she is paying for hers from a small inheritance (we each got 50k from our grandma) meanwhile my fiancés parents are paying for mine. Her boyfriend also like hates rich people and so I’m scared he’s constantly talking shit about Aidan to her. What do I do? How can I not be an asshole in this situation?

TLDR: my fiancé comes from a mega rich family and I don’t want my sister to hate me for my life and the things I have and resent me for having it easier.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA29015678 on 2024-01-22 03:12:18+00:00.

My mom smokes a lot, to the point where she sometimes doesnt have any money for groceries because she spends so much money on cigarettes. When that happens she will usually ask me for money. She also suffers from depression and says that if she doesnt smoke she will get sad and stressed.

Ive always expressed my opinion that i dont like she smokes. The other day she went grocery shopping with my credit card and when i saw she had bought a pack of cigarettes, i got so mad that i began yelling at her. Obviously i felt really bad afterwards, but everytime that i think about how much money she spends on cigarettes when we dont even have enough money for food, it makes me so mad. So mad in fact that it has been affecting our relationship. She has also been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the past and she recovered, but it still worries me since smoking is a big risc factor in cancer.

I love my mom, but i also hate her so much for smoking. How do I deal with this? Our family only consists of the two of us and my younger sibling.

TLDR: my mom smokes so much to the point we dont have any money left for food and its been destroying our relationship

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/atinygreenbean on 2024-01-22 02:54:00+00:00.

Me and this person have been friends since childhood (15 years). Recently, I feel myself outgrowing this friendship. I keep seeing their "flaws" and a lot of the things they do now annoys me. During the past few months, I feel a disconnect every time we hang out and I don't resonate with how they think anymore.

Because of that, I've been slowly removing myself from plans with this person. Best case scenario was me continuously declining invitations and take my time responding to messages, that they would eventually get the hint.

But unfortunately, they have noticed my withdrawal to do things together and wants to get on a call to talk about it. I know their feelings are going to be hurt no matter how nice I am about it, but would love ideas on how to go about this. I am not a confrontational person by any means, so i am not sure how to say that I don't really care to be around them in a gentler way.

TL;DR: How to break off a long-termed friendship without blaming the other person?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/poachedegggirl on 2024-01-22 02:48:56+00:00.

TLDR at the bottom. Don’t know where to start with this, still in shock. I (28F) just found out my best friend (27M) (someone I consider my brother) of 10 years has abused multiple women.

I am actually sobbing as a I type this. When I tell you I had no idea. I considered him to be one of the most level headed people I knew. In my 10 years of knowing him I have seen him get scammed, cheated, disrespected and he has never reacted in any way other than complete positivity. I always admired how he was able to keep his cool and navigate tough situations. I have never seen him raise his voice. All of our mutual friends love him and I don’t personally know a single person who’s so much as had a disagreement with him. Yet the truth remains this: he has physically abused MULTIPLE women. Women I have never met because he’s said they’re one off flings or dates that never turned into a second date. And I BELIEVED HIM!

I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like I should’ve noticed, should’ve said asked more questions. Everything feels like a red flag now, like why did I think anyone could be that chill and not have a fucked up side? I think about all the women I introduced him to, how they’re fucking lucky he didn’t hurt them.

I am struggling so much, this has completely changed my worldview.

He didn’t outright deny the claims, he just said “it wasn’t what it looked like.” All he could do was apologise to me for putting me through this. He was mostly silent on the phone when I called him out and asked him about the claims that I heard about.

I’ve donated to every DV shelter in my city. I have removed him from all my socials. We were almost starting a business together. That’s obviously done now.

I haven’t sent him a final closure text. Since our last phone call (the one in which I called him out about the accusations) I removed all images tags pics etc from all socials. This all happened less than 24 hours ago so I feel like I’m still in shock. Like he would’ve been the person to walk me down the aisle.

How do I navigate this? I need to send him a final text but I’m honestly scared now. I will change all my locks and I don’t live alone (2 roommates, one F and one M), he didn’t seem mad at me on the phone and he’s never done anything to make me scared in the past but now I feel like I don’t know how to end our friendship.

If I tell him how I really feel I’m scared he will come for me, he knows things about me as we’ve been friends for a long time that I’m worried he’d use against me.

If I end our friendship in a nice way I feel fake. I feel like I’m not standing behind the women that he hurt.

Please advise me on how you would give closure/send that last text.

TL;DR: Just found out my friend of 10 years is an abuser. Need advice on how to word my closure text on ending the friendship.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Desperate-Kale9002 on 2024-01-22 02:14:51+00:00.

TLDR: My (24m) girlfriend (23f) often says I look boring and wants me to change how I dress I’m a lurker and I rarely post but I need some advice.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have talked about getting married in the next 2-3 years.

I would say we are happy. We get along, have some shared interests like metal music and have great conversation. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to my best friend rather than a partner.

The problem lies in our “aesthetics”. We are complete opposites looks-wise. If you’ve ever seen that TikTok trend of couples being a black cat girlfriend and golden retriever boyfriend duo, that’s us.

I look like a typical American guy, lightish brown hair and blue eyes, plus we live close to a beach town so I tend to dress very casual and surf a lot. She dyes her hair black and wears heavy makeup. I think it’s goth style but she calls it something else—alternative I believe. Keeping up with her appearance is very important to her.

I’m attracted to her no matter how she looks, but she has admitted more than once to wishing I dressed more like her. I’m open to changing some things about my appearance, but the way she says it makes me feel like she isn’t attracted to me at all. Or maybe she thinks I’m a project or something. She has specifically said that I look boring and basic to her and often shows me photos and TikToks of goth-dressing men she thinks are attractive.

I don’t even know where to start. On one hand I’m not attached to my wardrobe so part of me thinks I should do this for her. But on the other hand this makes it sound like her love is proportional based on how I look. Will it actually make her attracted to me? should I feel hurt about this since I don’t even feel attached to my own style?

Any advice would be appreciated.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Oblivious-Book6029 on 2024-01-22 00:55:31+00:00.

I (24m) moved across the country a few of years ago (21 at the time). I’d been living at home for a couple of months between college and figuring out what came next.

My mom (50f) has always been a bit volatile. I love her and want to preface this with that. She’s my mom and I don’t want to vilify her, but do have to share something bad to make the rest of the story make sense. I guess I just want to make clear that my mom has had a difficult life and many milestones of my growing up have difficult for her to cope with. I know she loves me and what I’m sharing is a small part of her.

When I told my mom I was moving, she became incredibly upset. She said I was being a bad son and too stupid to live alone. Anything hurtful she could say was said. She called my father (50m) and stepmom (50f) to try to get them to agree that I couldn’t live alone because of a mental health crisis I had in my early teens, then tried to blame my father for that crisis when he didn’t agree with her. It wasn’t his fault and probably just my brain going through puberty. She stole my car keys and phone. She wanted the passcode for some reason, which I refused. She also told me to get out, but I also refused because I didn’t have my phone or car keys and it was winter.

One of the many parts of this night was that she told me that she’d be putting my cat (I made it clear I was taking him) into a shelter because he deserved better than me. I am all he’s ever known since I got him when he was a kitten and I think I care for him well. He’s sweet and affectionate. I know it was all empty threats, but that’s the part of that night that still messes me up if I think about it too long. I have my cat and also ended up with my mom’s (she gave me her when I moved because she said my cat needed company, they get along now).

A little over a year ago, my mom came to visit and stayed in a hotel. She’d stayed at my apartment a couple of times, but had shown up a week earlier than she told me so she volunteered to stay at a hotel. I have bad anxiety and the surprise change of plans made me panic a bit. During the visit, she would be outside my apartment when I got off work and texted my dad (who lives twenty minutes away) asking for a key to my apartment so she could clean. He declined because he only has one for emergencies and told me just in case it got mentioned.

A few days into the visit, she showed up at my job unannounced. She called from outside and told me to bring her my keys. I said I was at work and she said she was outside. I walked towards the exit and saw her parked outside and asked what she needed them for. She said she wanted to see the cats and all I said was “no.” She immediately started crying and said to forget it, she was going to go home and then she hung up. I watched her speed out of the lot.

She blew up my phone for the afternoon with insults and threats of never seeing her again. I was worried she was a danger to herself, so I kept answering because I didn’t know how else to fix whatever was happening. I asked her to stay the night at the hotel to calm down and she said no, that she was already driving home. I told my boss a little of what was going on because I worried she would show up at my job again and needed to explain why I was using my phone so much. After work, she called saying she had turned back around and wanted to see me. I agreed to meet her outside a coffee shop because, by then, I didn’t want her near or in my apartment at all. She basically just kept insulting me the whole time and saying I had something in my apartment that I was hiding. I don’t. When I got home, I sat in my car for a minute to decompress and she almost immediately pulled up behind me. She said she was dying and gave me bread that was in her car. I don’t know if she’s really dying. She’s gone to the hospital a few times, but won’t share details. After that, she left.

I’ve seen her twice since (both times she’s stayed in hotels and there hasn’t been a big fight) and talk to her daily, usually during my evening commute. She asks about the cats almost every day and often makes jokes about taking them back. She asks for pictures and tells me she misses them. If I’m home and on the phone with her, she asks to say “hi.” She has sent them presents. It always makes me tense, especially the jokes about her wanting my cats. It reminds me of her threat to put my cat in the shelter and puts me in the worst mood.

I don’t really know how to explain it. I have forgiven everything else and mostly get along with her these days, but the cats get brought up and I shut down. Sometimes (like now) I get emotional over it even though I know they’re safe and happily living with me. I don’t think she even remembers threatening to put my cat in the shelter and don’t think she’s really going to steal my cats (can’t even have them where she lives) or knows the reaction I have. How do I get over being upset every time she brings up the cats?

TLDR: my mom threatened to put my cat in a shelter when I moved away from home as punishment for me leaving (I planned to and did take him with me). I still get upset and anxious whenever she mentions the cats.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ritztorubblx on 2024-01-22 00:43:54+00:00.

TLDR; I found a nail that doesn’t belong to me in my (F20s) bf’s bed (M20s) of 1+ year. I want to ask him about it but I don’t to accuse him of cheating because I don’t think he is. What do I do?

For context, I’ve been with my (F20s) bf (M20s) for 1+ year. Recently I was over at his place and was looking for my socks in his bed and found an acrylic nail. At first I thought it was mine but then realize it couldn’t have been mine because 1) it was almond-shaped and I have coffin-shaped nails and haven’t gotten almond nails in years 2) it was way longer than the length I get for my nails.

I didn’t say anything but this has left me very confused. Why would there be someone else’s nail in his bed? In my heart I don’t believe he’s cheating but I’m scared to ask him where this nail came from cause I don’t want him to think I’m accusing him!

What do I do?

EDIT: he lives with his parents BUT his mom doesn’t have acrylic nails and he doesn’t have a sister so it‘s impossible that it came from a family member

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/fuckit233 on 2024-01-22 00:30:33+00:00.

For some background: She was my best friend, I told her things that, and I mean this literally, only me and her know. Not any other best friends nor my mother whom I'm very close to know what she does about me and the same vice versa. Every time we hung out in a friend group or alone we always had a great time. We worked together in the past, always on the phone/facetime, or with each other in person.

After years of being friends, she expressed she wanted to go on a date and possibly be more than friends. I was very hesitant due to how close we were as friends, I'm not the type that has ever said "I don't want to lose you as a friend" but this was a legitimate fear of mine in this situation. I obliged as she seemed very intent on doing this and I would be lying if I said I hadn't developed romantic feelings for her after all that time. We went out and had a good time (like any other time it seemed) and she even said so after I walked her to her door when I drove her home. That same night I received a snapchat from her of a random man's headboard, who I later found out was one of her old F buddies. After that happened she never spoke a single letter to me again, she wouldn't even look at me when we'd see each other in public. (we live pretty close and used to go to the same gym so it happened a few times)

I thought it was possible she didn't feel anything romantically and only wanted to be friends, so I expressed to her that if that's the case just tell me and it's fine and received nothing in response. Had this been someone I met with the intent of dating I feel as though I would've let it go a long time ago. It doesn't feel like a rejection by a woman I was interested in, it feels like my best friend betrayed me and then wouldn't tell me why or if xyz of my actions caused this. Do I just go to therapy? Any advice on letting people go, friends or romantic relationships? I just feel hurt and like part of me is empty. I don't have another best friend like she used to be to tell this to.

Edit: Any questions feel free to ask as long as they wouldn't give any identity away, I doubt she's on this sub but she does have Reddit so it's possible.

TL;DR Best friend (18F) of multiple years showed romantic interest, at first I (19M) was hesitant but, we went on a date, sent me a photo of her in another man's bed, and never spoke a single word to me since. How do I get over her? More so how do I get over losing a best friend?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwraidealy on 2024-01-22 00:22:58+00:00.

TL;DR: Niece called and told me about her anxiety from having to speak before getting baptized. Her parents signed her up for the class without her consent

I'll try to keep background details as brief as possible. My parents didn't raise us religious. My brother(Tim, m44) became a Christian in college when he met a girl he began going to church with, and they are now married with two daughters (Lynn 12, Lori 10). Lynn called me over the weekend and told me that her parents signed them up for a baptism class despite her telling them that she didn't want to be baptized because of her anxiety. She's anxious about having to go on stage and say a few words about why she "wanted" to get baptized beforehand, and it's made it her hard to focus on other things throughout the week. It's caused her a lot of stress, and she mentioned past anxiety about a Christmas play her parents also made them do in the past, and the anxiety makes her hope she doesn't wake up the next morning because it's "one day closer" from what she said. She also said she struggled with nervous shaking as a result too. She mentioned her anxiety to her parents, but they refused to let her drop out

For context on my relationship with Tim, he and his wife have given me (and my parents) numerous salvation talks despite us saying we're not interested, and we're not as close as we used to be before he became religious. He once turned off my radio in the car because I was playing "worldly" music when I picked him up from the train (called me inconsiderate for doing so with him in the car), and he makes small jabs about my lack of faith too. So when I called and told him that he shouldn't force his daughter to do something that's making her anxious to the degree that she is, he said it had nothing to do with me and told me to stay out of it. But when I told him that he was making her do it for himself, he hung up on me and didn't answer a second call. The reason I'm posting is because I don't know what to do next. My dad used to call him out on his ways, but he's no longer with us, and mom's not on good terms with Tim (Tim told her to get saved so that she wouldn't die unsaved like dad and spend heaven with her grandchildren). I take care of mom, and Tim visits every few months. I'm posting to ask what I should do or if anything can be done to help Lynn. I'm open to suggestions because I don't have many, and Tim likely won't hear anything from me or mom

edit: I should've added this, but she attends a Christian school. I doubt her parents would let her see a mental health specialist, and I'm not sure if a counselor at a Christian school will feel since the source of the anxiety is a baptism speech. I could call her back and suggest that she try in case they have a good counselor

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/PeoplePleaseYourself on 2024-01-21 22:11:52+00:00.

I (40F) have been separated and living apart from my ex for a year now. I have 2 boys, 16 and 12, from my marriage. my marriage was emotionally and verbally abusive. After much therapy, I turned on the dating apps to practice healthy conversations and boundaries. Now, I’ve met a very amazing man and am in a very healthy relationship, for the first time in my life. It is definitely serious and I can see it being very long term.

I’ve met his kids and I want to introduce him to mine. However, my kids don’t even know I’m dating. I was really trying to limit the amount of change for them and let us heal together before mentioning anyone else.

I’m looking for the HOW to bring it up. Like what words do I say? Best way to approach it? I’m new to this (obviously) and don’t want to approach this in a way that could be damaging.

TLDR: how do I tell my kids about the person I’m dating

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/FranciscoDAnconia85 on 2024-01-21 19:48:19+00:00.

My (38M) fiancée (29F) shocked me the other day by expressing concerns that our future children would be likely to also suffer from Crohn’s Disease, as I have for years. Apparently she spoke to her parents and they are very much against the idea of our marriage on account of my condition.

I am seriously conflicted now. I don’t even know if I can (or should) even try to work this out with her and her family. I feel judged for something that I cannot control.

For background, we have been together for 10 months and we recently got engaged over Christmas. She is Chinese and I am American of German descent. I have been diagnosed with inflammatory bowl diseases since I was 19. I take medication and my symptoms are under control most of the time.

TL;DR Fiancée’s parents don’t want us to get married for fear that our future children will inherit my condition. Don’t know what to do.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/coffeeandlattee on 2024-01-21 18:18:47+00:00.

I (28F) am all about freedom, expression, and comfort when it comes to clothes/ fashion, but my boyfriends lack of effort hurts sometimes.

He always wears a cap, pants, and a t-shirt. Mind you, I have bought clothes for him, but he wears them once in a blue moon.

One time we went to a wedding and someone said to him “those look like your Friday clothes”. He had a short-sleeve button down and black jeans. Whilst , everyone else had a tuxedo on.

I’ve communicated with him multiple times how I appreciate a man who can clean up well, but he always says “that’s not me”.

It sounds so silly to breakup with someone because of this, but also, I can’t help but feel “triggered” by this. Sometimes I feel like we’re cut from different cloths.

Should I just learn to let go and let it be? Anyone else has had a similar experience?

TDLR; My boyfriend never dresses nicely.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Ok_Mountain2747 on 2024-01-21 17:07:09+00:00.

I have a feeling I know how this is going to end I just need the confirmation that I’m not going insane but here goes…

I (22F) met this guy (23M) from the US online around 6 months ago and he started out nice and we formed a relationship (but then again so have my other exes) but he’s just suddenly become more and more religious as time goes on and I’m starting to worry that in the end he will put me second when I really need him the most(although this has been happening as he tends to isolate himself for his religion for a weekend or a couple of days and my grandma has just passed away the day that I have written this post and he hasn’t really considered making sure I’ve been okay.) I have no issue with religion, I’m semi agnostic with an atheistic lean and respect people’s beliefs whilst he’s eastern orthodox Christian but he’s just gotten so much more strict I’m worried that I’m going to get hurt or he’s made a mistake in being with me even though he constantly says “I’m made for him” I want to talk this through with him but he gets a little dismissive of my opinion and says that his religion is non negotiable which is fair enough he’s entitled to that.

I just want someone else to confirm what I’ve been feeling for ages so I can make a plan to end things with him gently and it will kill me because other than that he’s been supportive of me and my lifestyle and has been there for me at times when I had no one but obviously thinking of the future and how I date to marry I’ve done my research on weddings within his religion and I want to be able to marry someone without all these heavy restrictions that I feel I can’t adhere to. I want to marry someone because I love them and not have to worry about a church’s approval of me.

TLDR: I’m worried that I don’t feel prioritised enough and my partner cares more about his religion than me and I need to know whether there’s any point in staying with him.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/chattycathy2018 on 2024-01-21 16:38:08+00:00.

Me f(34) and my fiance M(34) are on a break due to MIL actions

TL;DR on a break with fiance because of his Mum

My brother had enough of seeing me upset so he called my future MIL who is non supportive of the wedding for the last several months. Wedding planning has been put on pause. My brother asked her why she wasn’t supporting it and she said it’s because I don’t call her mum (my mum died) and I don’t cook or clean, match with the family. My fiance is absolutely livid and has said he has disrespected his elder parents and there’s a way to speak to them.

We are now on a break for the last week as he thinks we should break up and that’s the best thing to do due to the last few year of situations. He said we should take this time to think about what we both want and discuss if we both want to make it work or if we have doubts. He said there’s a lot of love here and we are both hurting, we both want the best for each other but that may not be each others. We have been together for over 8 years and his family were not supportive at all.

Long story short is family are now not supportive of him marrying me, yes we are engaged for the last 1.5 years. His mum is just absolutely awful. In February last year she went through his belongings and found a scrap book and sent me photos from it and sent a voice note telling me to leave her son alone. she goes up and down and we have been arguing for the last 6 months and wedding planning stopped as his mum stopped giving support. She wants me to go to their house and cook and play the traditional Indian daughter in law. He knows it’s wrong and has argued with his mum. He told me before we went on the break when we last spoke he doesn’t want to burden me and force me to cook or clean. He said we need to think about our lives, how we want to live, we are getting older. We are both using the next few weeks to think about this.

I was clear and told him I want to marry him and he said he can’t focus on that as everything’s foggy. is MH is bad and has declined from the family stressors and the impact that it has had on us as we have argued and he’s exhausted and overwhelmed. He said he needs time to think everything through because a lot has happened in the last year. The strain of all the stress has pushed us both. I spent a lot of the last few several months anxious and in tears. I explained he needs to enforce boundaries with his toxic mum and move out but he is financially wrapped up in the family home with them. His parents have said they don’t want to see me as too upset and his dad wants to speak to my brother and I about this. To note I have never spoke out of turn to his mum. I have held my tongue.

My brother and sister are really upset and haven’t stepped in or involved themself before. It was completely heartbreaking to hear what his mum was saying when my brother spoke to her. I know what she says comes from fear and I know it’s wrong. We work so well until his family get involved which they have been doing for the last 8 years.

It’s his birthday today and I feel horrible. I have developed anxiety from the last year. I’m finding today extremely difficult. 😞 I am waiting to start therapy and have been journaling but I need more help to cope. I am speaking to my doctors about this too! I’m trying my best to help myself and focusing on not breaking the no contact rule because I respect the boundary. It it plausible to have a healthy reunion? I am doing the self work and working on my anxiety and I understand my triggers, his mum/family. I want to solve this! Can breaks be successful to move forward?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/BoatImmediate8262 on 2024-01-21 07:38:28+00:00.

My partner didn't want to marry me and now I have to leave the country

I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for few years now. We are an international couple living in a country in Europe where there are incredibly strict rules on immigration. He is European whereas I'm not. I came to study to this country (5 years) and he later found a job he loved here in a different city (2 years).

Now, here is the thing. After working my ass off for half a year in getting a job in this country so that I could stay with him and finally move in together, my permit is expiring in two weeks and couldn't manage to find an employer willing to sponsor my work permit.

I got a good offer in another country which in a way I was forced to accept so that I could continue growing professionally and being legally in Europe with a salary but he is not open to moving and he still feels he has not enjoyed his current country enough.

While I understand that, there was another option which was discussed many times and posed as the last resort... Getting married. Which he constantly refused as he didn't want my permit to depend on him... But this also means we are effectively forced to split paths when we had so many plans together.

I don't know how to feel. I'm leaving him and this country in a couple of months and I'm feeling like I wasn't worth the leap of faith so that we could continue building our life here. And I have never seen him as my way to get the nationality or anything, but in practical terms that could have been a possibility for us to keep building our life together.

I don't know how to feel. We're going to try long distance but part of me is resenting him. I guess all I wanted to hear from you all are some words of encouragement and maybe tell me if I'm being unreasonable.

TL;DR: After more than 5 years in country X, I have to leave because of my legal status and move to another country where I got a new job. Whereas my partner gets to stay in country X with no problem and we're forced to do long distance when there was the alternative to get married.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/royalturkeys on 2024-01-21 00:59:54+00:00.

So l've been away for a couple weeks (going back this week) and two weeks ago on my birthday he texted me "Happy Birthday, I really need some space and I want you to enjoy your trip so we will talk when you're back." Then that's it. Radio silence. No calls after that or anything. I texted asking for an explanation and all he says is that he wants me to enjoy my trip and grow. I tried to call a few times but he never picks up. He hasn't called or texted me at all since then. I have no clue what to do now. I'm trying to understand where he is coming from. The past few months haven't been perfect but I thought we were fine. We didn't even have a fight or anything. I would appreciate some insight on whether l'm being paranoid that he is planning to leave me or not. I know that he consistently has issues with overusing mushrooms and weed. He also randomly stops taking his anti depressants. I told him I want to do what I can to make him feel better but he didn't respond to that either. I feel really abandoned and I'm alone on a different continent entirely. We have been married a year and dated for 8 years we were planning on having children in the next couple of years.

Tl:dr - I’m away for a few weeks alone on a trip and my SO has been ghosting me.

EDIT- Appreciate all the advice and since so many have asked about checking on him- he’s fine. This is a man who gets irritated when I cry. I texted a friend because while ghosting me he’s planned a massive birthday party (ironically I planned to have a party in two weeks for my birthday but instead he had to throw one when I’m gone..) and he’s getting even more shitty tattoos (has gotten like 10 in the past 6 months)

In terms of my relationship- on our first wedding anniversary back in December he went out with friends who specifically did not want me there. I was hurt so texted him a little passive aggressively about the girl who hosted and he ignored me all night came back at 5AM and spent our first anniversary hungover. Told me that because I behaved badly by sending that text he decided to stay out later and ignore me and get wasted. Just the most recent way he ruined another big day.

EDIT 2: thanks for all the kind words and advice I have decided to extend my trip so I can actually enjoy myself since I lost a few days thanks to his behaviour.

Edit 3- I figured since I’m already deep in this hole I will mention other things that have been bugging me for a while. He is shit with money. I’m an emotional spender but that’s like $200-$300 every few months on clothes and I work full time and pay for my own stuff. He got a line of credit a couple years ago and used it all up on idk what, some on home renovations but idk what the rest is for and it’s around $150-$180,000.. we have a pre-nup (he made me sign it two days before the wedding) so I’m free of the debt but yeah. I asked him if we could make sure to communicate when spending over $300 on something and he said he would do it but I guess he forgot. He rents out the basement and stuff for money but doesn’t really include me in any of it. I know I know red flags everywhere. It’s just tough because all these things were far enough apart it didn’t seem as bad

EDIT 4- so he texted me that he’s done. Yeah while I’m in a different country. Says he’s crying too much to talk on the phone.. says it’s because he’s unhappy lately and I know that and he’s been pushing for therapy (only for me apparently) and it’s not happening. I literally told him I’m starting with a new one after my trip. He doesn’t need it though apparently. This is all the reason it’s okay for treat me like this

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Better-Original-478 on 2024-01-21 21:17:39+00:00.

A little background on how we started dating:

Around mid last year, i posted in a gaming subreddit looking for a duo or someone to play with. He approached me thinking i was a guy and made fun of my ingame name saying it's girly. After a while when we got in a call and he found out i was actually a girl. He was skeptical at first but we clicked really well and we opened up to each other more and more. Not long after we developed feelings and started dating. Few months later he flew in to see me and we had an amazing together in person as much we had online. We've been together ever since. We're still in a long distance relationship and we plan to meet again and even moving together.

So this brings me to my issue. My boyfriend keeps spoiling me, buying me stuff, ordering food to my place, and makes me get an uber every single time even though it's just a 10min walk. He keeps buying my favorite snacks and sweets along with coffees and boba from my favorite places. He also gave me one of his bank cards so i can use it and withdraw money whenever i need or want. He takes care of the bills and expenses. Recently there's been a new collection of plushies i really want and he's basically forcing me to buy them. Whenever i ask for something hoping he'd say no or it would be too expensive he says yes before even knowing the price of whatever i want to get to the point where it gets frustrating. He never says no and he's always to beat the spending record of the previous month by spending more money each month.

Usually i'm more reserved and always trying to save money and he's the exact opposite. And i'm not used to the princess treatments. I always feel bad whenever i or someone else spends money on me.

I always say NO whenever he wants to buy something or whenever i have a craving and he wants to satisfy it but he always ask me if i want to get those when i am vulnerable which is right after i wake up and still not fully awake or when i'm focused on something else and i give an automatic response which is " YES " and i can't go back on my word and he knows that and takes advantage of it.

TLDR; My boyfriend spoils me and i feel guilty.

Please tell me how to proceed with this situation because it's genuinely frustrating sometimes and he can always trick me into saying "yes" or he's very convincing.

Thank you.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Shakeke_sunflower on 2024-01-21 20:02:08+00:00.

Hiii!

I would really love some clarity or advice from the community.

I (25 F) recently went away with my partner (26 M). Everything was going so well, we were both so in love.

We went out one night with my best friend let’s call her Rachel, the vibes were immaculate and Rachel and I wanted to go to the smokers area. I invited my partner to come, he smokes quite a bit of weed but recently decided to stop as it became too much of an issue for him. He declined the invitation and continued dancing. While we were outside we ran into a man who use to date Rachel’s little sister, he offered us a joint and we smoked a little and left.

When I came back to my partner he was furious, he thought it was inexcusable that I accepted a joint from another man. He went on a whole rampage talking about how he should have gotten with the girls who approached him. He yelled at me the whole taxi ride home and then got straight into bed.

The next day he took some space in the morning and left in a very cold manner. While he was out I got his favourite treats and waited for him in the hotel room. I sent him a cute text apologising but when he got back he broke up with me.

He was still furious talking about how he can’t date a ‘thein’, he went on about retaliating with other women, he insulted me a little by minimising me to be a party girl. (Side note: we both know this isn’t true, he’s out much more than me and we often try to use my hobbies to inspire him).

I cried and apologised profusely but it wasn’t enough. I tried to fight for him but he was way too angry, I respected his decision and booked a flight back home the same day. He did tell me I could stay but he was going to do his own thing.

I sent a text 3 days later after no contact. I let him know it wasn’t cool for him to yell, threaten to retaliate or minimise me because he was angry. He was even angrier than he was before, his perception was completely skewed and he didn’t take any accountability. He told me that he still feels that he should have retaliated. He let me know that he has been crying and upset but he wants us to forget about each other completely and remove all trace of each other from our lives. He was extremely rude so I wished him well and left him alone, he told me he couldn’t wish me well and doesn’t wish the best for me.

Please let me know what’s going on? I apologised for crossing a boundary I didn’t know about. I invited him to come, I let the man we were smoking with know all about him straight away. He was also my friend’s ex and nothing would have ever happened. There was absolutely zero flirting. I kept my cool the whole time he was yelling, heard him out and told him I would never do it again but it wasn’t enough. Why is he so angry at me I can’t understand? He was so cruel in his hurt, he is a little of a hot head but this is nothing I have seen before. He told me he was holding himself back from saying even worse things.

Despite all of this, I get the feeling he wants me to chase him and beg. After saying to leave him alone he sent a load more rude/ argumentative messages. Does anyone have experience with this type of rage from a partner? Are they ever able to see things a little more objectively? He was also my best friend and being on horrible terms upsets me more than anything. If it’s the last time we’re going to talk why does it have to be horrible?

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk! X

TL; DR: My boyfriend & I were on holiday and having a great time. He raged at me for smoking another man’s joint. He broke up with me and is being super cruel. Why is he so angry? Will he ever see things more objectively?