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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Oblivious-Book6029 on 2024-01-22 00:55:31+00:00.
I (24m) moved across the country a few of years ago (21 at the time). I’d been living at home for a couple of months between college and figuring out what came next.
My mom (50f) has always been a bit volatile. I love her and want to preface this with that. She’s my mom and I don’t want to vilify her, but do have to share something bad to make the rest of the story make sense. I guess I just want to make clear that my mom has had a difficult life and many milestones of my growing up have difficult for her to cope with. I know she loves me and what I’m sharing is a small part of her.
When I told my mom I was moving, she became incredibly upset. She said I was being a bad son and too stupid to live alone. Anything hurtful she could say was said. She called my father (50m) and stepmom (50f) to try to get them to agree that I couldn’t live alone because of a mental health crisis I had in my early teens, then tried to blame my father for that crisis when he didn’t agree with her. It wasn’t his fault and probably just my brain going through puberty. She stole my car keys and phone. She wanted the passcode for some reason, which I refused. She also told me to get out, but I also refused because I didn’t have my phone or car keys and it was winter.
One of the many parts of this night was that she told me that she’d be putting my cat (I made it clear I was taking him) into a shelter because he deserved better than me. I am all he’s ever known since I got him when he was a kitten and I think I care for him well. He’s sweet and affectionate. I know it was all empty threats, but that’s the part of that night that still messes me up if I think about it too long. I have my cat and also ended up with my mom’s (she gave me her when I moved because she said my cat needed company, they get along now).
A little over a year ago, my mom came to visit and stayed in a hotel. She’d stayed at my apartment a couple of times, but had shown up a week earlier than she told me so she volunteered to stay at a hotel. I have bad anxiety and the surprise change of plans made me panic a bit. During the visit, she would be outside my apartment when I got off work and texted my dad (who lives twenty minutes away) asking for a key to my apartment so she could clean. He declined because he only has one for emergencies and told me just in case it got mentioned.
A few days into the visit, she showed up at my job unannounced. She called from outside and told me to bring her my keys. I said I was at work and she said she was outside. I walked towards the exit and saw her parked outside and asked what she needed them for. She said she wanted to see the cats and all I said was “no.” She immediately started crying and said to forget it, she was going to go home and then she hung up. I watched her speed out of the lot.
She blew up my phone for the afternoon with insults and threats of never seeing her again. I was worried she was a danger to herself, so I kept answering because I didn’t know how else to fix whatever was happening. I asked her to stay the night at the hotel to calm down and she said no, that she was already driving home. I told my boss a little of what was going on because I worried she would show up at my job again and needed to explain why I was using my phone so much. After work, she called saying she had turned back around and wanted to see me. I agreed to meet her outside a coffee shop because, by then, I didn’t want her near or in my apartment at all. She basically just kept insulting me the whole time and saying I had something in my apartment that I was hiding. I don’t. When I got home, I sat in my car for a minute to decompress and she almost immediately pulled up behind me. She said she was dying and gave me bread that was in her car. I don’t know if she’s really dying. She’s gone to the hospital a few times, but won’t share details. After that, she left.
I’ve seen her twice since (both times she’s stayed in hotels and there hasn’t been a big fight) and talk to her daily, usually during my evening commute. She asks about the cats almost every day and often makes jokes about taking them back. She asks for pictures and tells me she misses them. If I’m home and on the phone with her, she asks to say “hi.” She has sent them presents. It always makes me tense, especially the jokes about her wanting my cats. It reminds me of her threat to put my cat in the shelter and puts me in the worst mood.
I don’t really know how to explain it. I have forgiven everything else and mostly get along with her these days, but the cats get brought up and I shut down. Sometimes (like now) I get emotional over it even though I know they’re safe and happily living with me. I don’t think she even remembers threatening to put my cat in the shelter and don’t think she’s really going to steal my cats (can’t even have them where she lives) or knows the reaction I have. How do I get over being upset every time she brings up the cats?
TLDR: my mom threatened to put my cat in a shelter when I moved away from home as punishment for me leaving (I planned to and did take him with me). I still get upset and anxious whenever she mentions the cats.