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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/smoothbrain404 on 2024-01-22 05:38:51+00:00.
Where to start...?
One of my best friends in the world is having some problems. Major, (mostly) self-induced issues.
My pal, we'll call him Cody, I've known him since we were teens. He's a good dude, one to fly off the handle at times, but I need to talk some sense into the fella.
He's been chatting with a female (call her Alice) that lives over 2000 miles away. He's a west coaster and she's near the great lakes. Cody's gonna be 35 in March. Alice is 19, she graduated class of 2023.
Welp, reddit, he's a big dumb moron and the brain trust that these two make together had a plan that went tits up... utter foobar almost instantly.
Cody decides that this "smart and mistreated" young woman is the love of his life and he decides to move her out to the west coast with him, into his bachelor pad. To the kinda bachelor pad that you already know has never had a thorough cleaning or orderly set-up since he moved in last summer. To a place where she has no friends, no job, no prospects. Sure, he says she can borrow his car and get a job and help make money so that they can better their situation together...
He buys a one-way plane ticket, with the plan to grab Alice and take her "home" -- she's into the idea, she's done her part and picked up a job to help finance her end of this bargain. Now, Alice is a young person that still lives at home with her parents... they've not been mentioned, because Alice hasn't mentioned Cody to them at all. Sure, they've been long distance dating for the better part of 7 or 8 months -- but the parents are clueless.
Alice is at work, she's chatting about her wonderful Oregon boyfriend to the few work pals she keeps and her boss overheard the plan: It's Alice's final day, she's getting picked up by Cody, he's coming to take her away from her "terrible" family home. Boss calls the parents, drops them the 411. Now they've got the drop on Cody & Alice's boneheaded plan.
Alice gets home (I imagine she's trying hurriedly to pack her most important belongings), when her parents confront her, the cops get called... They arrive and after a few words from her parents about her having "ADHD & Autism" and the cops interview her for around 2 hours. The parents send Alice off to Grandma's for a few days. (Quotes -- this is Cody's wording, he says that her parents play up her mental status to overrule her)
Cody arrives to the local airport. His credit card is having issues and he can't get the cargo van he reserved. You can't rent an airport vehicle with a debit card if you can't cover the deposit on it, too. (I'm an adult, I know this... and all of this is so incredibly hard to type, because putting all of it into words, through Cody's perspective, holy cow, reddit, don't hold back) Cody learns this on the spot. He can't get the car.
A time passes, he's finally about to get a vehicle (dunno if van or not) and he gets a phone call from the police. They had his number, because he ordered a box of chocolates to her workplace for her NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY in mid December. The doordash caught the Boss' attention as strange -- very unusual at the workplace -- and she recorded the info.
The police tell Cody that Alice has requested NOT to speak to him. They tell both of them to lose the other's number. Cody's mouthing off, and the officer tells him they are considering picking him up for grooming if he arrives to the house. He bails on his plan. He texts my wife, in a panic, he wants to talk to me, he needs that one friend he hasn't run off. I'm stone cold asleep after a 12 hour shift and 20 hours of awake time. I'm an adult. I have a job. We have kids. ( wife sliding in here just to say I had to talk to this dude till 1:30am. 10/10 would've rather had sleep paralysis. and hemorrhoids.)
Cody calls one of his parents and secures a return trip $400 flight (OH, I know he doesn't have that in reserve). When his parents pick him up from the airport, he's going on about how Alice called him -- and since she wanted to talk to him, he'd answer. He mentions that now that this happened, she's now going to work hard and save money and buy a car....and you guessed it, drive to the west coast "best coast" to live out her fantasy dream of spending it with Cody.
You know, right after they get married and start having kids. Cos that's how fairy tales end.
TL;DR -- Long time (boneheaded) friend leaves to whisk a witless woman almost half his age off her feet, move her 2,500 miles away -- plan blows up when parents find out, cops get called, and he returns home empty-handed, but with a future plan for them to get back together. 35M Cody, 19F Alice.
(UPDATE) My questions:
How do I figure out the best way to tell someone as close as a brother, that this is too much? That he is so far out of bounds that I question everything about our friendship.
How could I tell him this news, while making sure he doesn't go off the handle and say some self-harm heartening kinda vibe?
When faced with a decision like this - how can I help make sure he's supported? When we spoke on the phone today, I hesitated, but I nearly asked if he'd consider therapy. What is a good way to initiate a long distance intervention?
When long form conversations have failed, how do you tell family enough is enough?
(edit: curse word out)