Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Opti-Free31 on 2024-01-22 07:54:24+00:00.

Hi I’m 30m

I’ve gone on a couple dates and have slept 2 times with this girl f26 I met about 2 months ago. We’ll call her nicky She’s really cool from the very start I told her I did not want anything serious. She said she was cool and just having sex was fine with her. I’ve gone days sometimes a week or 2 without hitting her up. I’ll usually see her on the weekend when all of our friends hang out. But the thing is that I know she really likes me and has caught feelings.

The whole time I have been talking and seeing somebody else as well she’s 31f sarah.

I’ve told both of them that I don’t want anything serious I don’t want a relationship and I don’t know what I want. They’ve both said that was fine but still I know both have caught feelings for me.

I hadn’t slept with sarah I had just seen her talk to her made out with her etc.

2 days ago I had sex with Sarah it was a really quick sex I didn’t even enjoy it. Whole time I kept thinking of Nicky. I hadn’t talked to Nicky in probably 2-3 weeks at this point.

Idk why but after having sex with Sarah I realized I’ve caught feelings for Nicky. I saw Nicky today and I feel awful. I don’t know what to do. I know she hasn’t slept or done anything with anybody else other than me. I know she has feelings towards me and I just had sex with somebody 2 days ago.

When I was going out with her today I couldn’t be my usual self because I feel guilty. I know she thinks I haven’t had sex with anybody else. Or idk if she suspects that or not.

Anyways I now know I really like Nicky. I don’t know if I should just keep this to myself or let her know about what I have done. I feel like she will be really hurt or feel betrayed. She’s only had sex with me has only seen me and I have been seeing both of them.

I want to be with Nicky but not sure if I should tell her about this or not I don’t want to have this weighing on my conscious the whole time. I would appreciate any advice

Thank you

TLDR: have been non exclusive with 2 girls. They know I don’t want exclusivity. I had sex with girl#1 2 times in the past 2 months. I just had sex with girl #2 a couple days ago and I’ve just now realized I’ve caught feelings for girl #1. Not sure if I should just hold onto this fact of not letting girl #1 know that I’ve had sex with somebody so I don’t hurt her. Or tell her

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/GloomyMarionberry969 on 2024-01-22 01:32:38+00:00.

Hi y'all, I (21NB) and my partner (21M) have been dating for almost 2 years and moved in together last summer, sharing a 2 bedroom with another roommate (we share a room/sleep in the same bed). He has been aware from the beginning that I have a medium-high sex drive, since our relationship started purely sexually. Sex was good the first year or so, but slowly his drive began rapidly fluctuating from semi-regular (still not really what I want even at his maximum) to nothing for a month. I am a very physical touch and sex oriented person, so being turned down repeatedly physically both when it's in a sexual or non-sexual context has me feeling rejected and sad.

It's important to note that in the span of these 2 years he has probably masturbated 3 times. This means there have literally been entire months with no orgasm or sex drive for him. I have told him more times than I can count that this is abnormal for a 21 year old biological male, but he refuses to go to the doctor about it. There's always an excuse for why he won't: he doesn't have money, insurance is being weird, or he forgets to make an appointment, etc. I have tried every strategy to help the sexual issues that friends, my therapist, the internet, etc have suggested, but his avoidance of his issues, inability to see a doctor, and DEEP deep rooted shame makes any sort of positive change impossible.

Starting maybe 3 months into living together, we started arguing more and more, escalating to the point that about a month ago I left after a serious discussion for a couple days to give us some space to process. Our solution after I returned was to just "live more separate lives so he can grow and explore himself." This obviously hasn't improved anything and just resulted in us feeling more and more like roommates who share a bed. He constantly stonewalls me when I do try and talk about our deeper issues. In terms of his "personal growth journey," it feels like he's exploring things with gender/sexuality that I explored when I was 12, so it makes it hard for me to relate with him and not see his experience as somewhat immature.

The decision to take any kind of action is difficult because I still love him very much and I have envisioned us spending the rest of our lives together. I honestly feel bad for him because I genuinely think he doesn't want to be the way he is either, but he clearly lacks the ability to give me what I need. At a certain point though I have to value myself and know that something has to change. Our lease doesn't end for another 6 or so months and he doesn't have much money, so I've been viewing breaking up as a last resort, but over the last couple weeks I have felt myself thinking about it more and more, realizing that I am checked out of the relationship and sometimes feeling like I might not even care what happens anymore. I am just so tired of putting in 70% effort when he puts in 30%, waiting around for him to change. On top of that, we are still so young! I feel a bit like I'm wasting my sexual prime in an unfulfilling relationship where we don't even have sex.

Here are what I see as my options, please let me know if you have any advice:

-stay together until the end of the lease, break up at the end if there is no improvement (pro: delays conflict. con: likely nothing will change and I will be stuck for many more months)

-break up now, forcing one of us to move out (pro: immediate separation = rapid recovery from the breakup. con: figuring out who will leave, breaking the lease, rent will go up for whoever stays living here)

-talk to leasing office about moving to a 3 bedroom so we each have our own rooms (pro: no one has to find a new place/lease not broken, ability to actually have that independence while still in the relationship. con: we do have another roommate so I would hate to make him move all of his stuff just because my relationship is failing, and if we do break up, we will 100% be living together until the end of the lease)

-talk about taking an extended break from each other, like maybe 6 months or so. (pro: allows me to a be a bit of a coward and an asshole by maintaining some sort of commitment/connection but we can live more separate lives/sleep with other people/"work on personal growth". Con: I have no idea if he would agree to this, might only complicate things further, someone still has to move out)

TL;DR: Partner rarely gives the physical intimacy I need and won't change, seeking advice on what to do while sharing a room.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Dramatic-Sun1223 on 2024-01-21 23:30:49+00:00.

Original Title: My (24F) friend (20M) invited me over in a suggestive way and then when I got there he told me he wanted me to teach him math. I got mad at him for wasting my time and he blamed me for not getting the joke.

I've known him for two years. I met him when I was tutoring students in math at my university where I am a grad student. I have tutored him a lot over the past two years, but only at school where I was getting paid to do it. We have also become friends and hung out outside of school, but without anything sexual happening between us before.

Last night, he sent me a text message saying "I want you on my bed with me tonight." I was taken by surprise but I made sure the text message was meant for me and I considered it and decided to go. I had been stressed from school/work and felt like having a good time, so I decided to go over.

I got there and he led me to his bedroom, where he had a calculus textbook and a notebook on his bed. He said "Show me what Asian women are good at." I thought he was joking at first, and I told him to put his books away.

He said "I need you to help me with calculus," and insisted he was serious. He said that "obviously" he had no sexual interest in me and wanted me to tutor him at home and that he would pay me. I told him I didn't go there to work and that it was disrespectful of him to pull a bait and switch like that on me. Then he said "You have a twenty minute drive anyway so you might as well not let it be for nothing."

I left anyway and texted him the next day that I felt disrespected the way he had wasted my time. That's when he told me he had been drunk and that I should have made sure he was sober before taking anything he said seriously, knowing it was a Saturday night. He said didn't even think I liked men because I compliment women more. And finally he said it should have been obvious given the nature of our relationship that he was joking.

I told him I knew he had only done that to get me to go over knowing I wouldn't if he had just told me what he wanted and that I don't like to be deceived like that. I'm starting to wonder if I should stop hanging out with him, or if I should give him another chance.

TL;DR! - I'm thinking about cutting him off because of his lack of respect for my time.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Different-Scarcity10 on 2024-01-21 21:31:38+00:00.

*TL;Dr My wife has anger control issues *

I especially want to ask women. How often and how loudly do you shout during an argue? For example, do you scream? or throwing things.

My second question is how do you curb this?

The reason I ask this is because my wife yells and screams at me every time we argue. I want to understand how common this is and to what extent it is normal.

Please don't give "Divorce Her" type advice. I really want to listen experiences. She is my partner for 14 years. It is the major problem between us. I could not find a solution since then.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Limp-Salamander-8185 on 2024-01-21 21:12:27+00:00.

Hi all. This is my first ever post on Reddit, so here it goes. My girlfriend (F22) and I (M21) have been dating for about 1.5 years now.

Since the beginning, the intimate side of our relationship has been fairly slow to move. After around 4 months, she felt comfortable with me touching her breasts and butt (with clothes on), which I respect. A few months later she felt comfortable with me seeing her breasts for real. And recently in the past month or so, we’ve moved on to handjobs, but she is still not comfortable with showing her southern region with me, and I respect that as well. Although I was initially frustrated at the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve quickly come to understand and appreciate her POV with her body and the respect she has for herself. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t feel comfortable with doing these things, and just says she needs time. And she also infers that it’s not a confidence issue.

We’ve had talks about sex as well, but haven’t done it for a few reasons (no safe space, needing to go on birth control even though we wouldn’t do it often, etc).

And also, she says she is waiting until marriage to do oral because it’s something new to explore with her partner and she believes it can be more intimate than sex.

It’s just a little disappointing when you’ve wanted to see your woman’s whole body and do these things with her, but she doesn’t feel comfortable to do them even when I comfort her and try not to talk about these things to give her time.

With all this, I want to see what your thoughts are on her viewpoints of not yet showing me her whole body, and waiting for oral and sex? And if anyone has had similar experiences?

TL;DR: Girlfriend doesn’t want to show whole body, have sex, or do oral. Any one have similar experiences? Thoughts on her opinion?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Spookysprites on 2024-01-21 19:24:36+00:00.

I come from absent parents and he's shown me what it's like to actually be loved. I have a tough time with my emotions. We're both adults and live together. It's been great and we've obviously have had our ups and downs. The way he handles situations is truly refreshing and comforting. I feel safe. We've been together a year now and I've realized he's healing my inner child. What can I do to show my utmost gratitude? I feel like a date or cute gestures/gifts isn't enough to show how I feel when I have trouble expressing myself.

TLDR: keep in mind, I do have a severe mental illness that makes it difficult to keep my emotions in check

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRa-Royal_Ad6606 on 2024-01-21 13:51:23+00:00.

so there is this boy who was my classmate back in highschool. he became my first crush and we kinda got together. we ve been to a couple dates in the Christmas holiday but when we got back to school he was so shy that he kinda avoided me. that got me confused and i decided to take the lead and ask him what s going on. he said it was pretty hard for him to open up to people so i understood and told him we were gonna take it easy. but we were immature kids and it didn t work out.

2 years later, at the new years eve party he wanted to talk to me about what happened back then, but i was madly in love and almost in a relationship with another person at that time and i told him it s too late for that.

now, another 2 years later, i am single and the thought of what could ve been doesn t give me peace so i kinda want to get his attention somehow. the only way we still "keep in touch" are these socials like snapchat (sending random snaps for streaks, a thing that we do with multiple people and he knows none of my snaps are specifically for him) and bereal. so i thought maybe if i start sending him snaps about one thing we have in common, aka med school, he s gonna notice and reply to me. so far i already tried with a couple snaps, but didn t make him to reply. i don t really know other way i can draw his attention and also he may be thinking i m still in that relationship, a thing that can make it harder for me to get him into conversation..

i really want to start talking to him casually and maybe catch up, talking about what didn t work out, maybe give it another try. i have to mention i m also kinda shy and i don t really have any experience with chatting, so the option to be straightforward and just message him is off the table.

i feel a bit weird about me randomly getting back into his life so any idea of how to draw his attention?

TL,DR: i am trying to get a guy into talking to me again, without being awkward because it s been 4 years sincer we were a "thing".

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Beautiful-Help7983 on 2024-01-22 08:23:04+00:00.

I’ve f(18) been with my bf (19) for 5 months. For the past few months his mom and dad have been wanting him to break up with me because we started dating when I was 17. We’ve never done anything sexual. Yet they insist I will call the police on my bf. They do not even know me or have cared to know me. They are threatening him that they will take away from laptop, phone, and tablet THAT IS HIS! His dad has threatened to beat my bf up. He will not quit yelling at him until he has broken up with me. Can they actually do that if he lives in their household? Can I call the cops on his parents?

tl;dr they can’t break us up? Can I call the cops on his parents? What to do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/AsparagusAmazing5454 on 2024-01-22 08:13:41+00:00.

How do I (23F) fulfill my boyfriend’s (24M) emotional needs if he tends to feel emotionally overwhelmed? - How can I understand him better? (Anxious-Avoidant)

We have been together for 4.5 years now. It’s a beautiful relationship, even though we have had ups and downs, and once a very hard breakup (2 months). We have a beautiful connection and that always makes us believe in love and fall in love again and again. We have been in long distance the last year and half. It began being chaotic (then we broke up), but then we figured it out (I have been in our city three times in long periods of time, he have been here once - latam/europe)

The thing is that I am a very wordy and emotional person. I tend to over think a lot and to be very comfortable with talking. He is kind of the opposite. We have learned a lot about each other and I really notice how we communicate and solve issues in a very very much lovely, respectful and understanding way. But I want to keep learning and being even more precise to his needs without leaving mine to the side.

I want to understand more deeply how men with “avoidance issues” work. I know his are very complex and he/we is/are on the way to discover them and help him feel more comfortable in general. But sometimes he has this “shield” of “I’m self-sufficient I don’t need you to be happy” when I say to him that I’m just trying to fulfill both of our needs and that really makes me sad. And I really freeze and don’t know what to do, I have this urge to cry. I sometimes get angry, but now I leave it there. Because I know I just get very sad. Not because I what him to need me necessarily, but maybe also? I feel sad about him having a shield that we don’t know how to break. You know what I mean?

I also feel sad about me actually feeling that I need him. And this unbalance that I’m afraid to translate in “do I love him more?” that I sometimes do. Sometimes I even talk to him, say to him that maybe I would like him to say to me if he needs my help to figure something out or something emotional, but he tends to say that he doesn’t need it or that he doesn’t wanna talk about it. He only asks me to do house stuff or tasks or help him calling or coordinating stuff. I always do it, I really enjoy it, that’s not the problem. The problem is that I don’t want to grow together feeling that there’s a part of him that I don’t know (vulnerability).

I don’t know how to deal with being so emotional. He nowadays sometimes say it’s ok, don’t overthink, that he doesn’t even think about the same stuff that I do and jokes about how could I, we laugh about it. But he has also judged me a lot. And the opposite way, I do and have done almost the same. I know we have tried and we keep trying our best everyday. I just would maybe like to know from another relationship like this if there is a way to understand him faster and give him the peace and distance / silence / comfort he needs without me feeling anxious ever? I’m just tired of not understanding him fully or only rationally understanding him. I would love to see his vulnerability in another way and not feeling it is “not showed enough” just because mine is “too much showed”. Or is it actually hidden and there’s a way to help him? Does he needs my help or doesn’t he?

Is there something you recommend me to do or think about? Or to remind myself? Or to give him without him needing to ask me?

Kinda avoidant-kinda anxious relationships, please give some tips if you can. Thank you a lot !!!!! All tips / opinions / sharing a are more than welcome and appreciate !!!!

TL;DR

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/16pidgey on 2024-01-22 07:52:43+00:00.

I have no clue. Ive been like begging and praying to some mighty force to just like smite me to get me out of this situation. I have the most perfect boyfriend in the entire world. He is so sweet, kind, compassionate, loving, handsome, and just wonderful. He’s just amazing. I know he loves me so much and would do anything for me, and he so truly is the man little me dreamt of having and finding. And i have him! Our humor is perfect, he can read me like a book, and he just is amazing.

The only issue is sometimes he can be quite emotionally immature in some ways, and its really slight, but it just irks me a lot because I feel like a parent. But that’s not even the crux of it all. I feel like I just dont know what to do. Ive been in relationships since I was 14, and Im at a point in my life where Im kind of developing an insatiable urge to explore and find out who I am outside of a relationship. I dont really know myself unattached to another person. Everyone in my life is telling me to leave him, but I’m so incredibly torn up. We’ve already split up (for like 10 minutes) twice because of this exact issue throughout our relationship. I’m at such a loss. I dont wanna lose the perfect boy, but I also fee like im kind of losing myself a little. Help me world :(

TLDR; Should I stay with my bf and choose him and the definitive life of happiness I could have, but maybe have the constant question in my head all the time of what life would be like on my own… or take the leap and choose a life of being on my own?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Icarus1639 on 2024-01-22 04:54:19+00:00.

I (24F) have been married to my husband (30M) for 4 years. I do all the laundry in the house about once a week, and I have noticed that I have significantly more underwear to put away than he does.

Until today, I’ve never thought too much about it as he tends to leave his dirty clothes on the floor instead of putting it in the bin. This has sparked a slight disagreement in the past as he’s complained that not everything has been washed, but I was firm in telling him that the least he can do is put his clothes in the bin. I refuse to go looking for clothes that get shoved under the bed or socks he leaves under his desk. If he really needs something to be washed, he can do a small load just for him. Otherwise, it’s not getting washed until next week if it didn’t make it into the bin on time.

Today while sorting the clothes I noticed that he didn’t have one single pair of boxers in the wash. It had been 8 days since I last did laundry so this raised a red flag. My assumption was that he kicked them all off somewhere and didn’t bother picking them up. I was irritated but decided I would wash the missing boxers if he told me where they were. After all, if he was pressed for time to get to work and was completely out of boxers, that would be pretty bad.

So I text my husband and ask him to call me when he got off for lunch. When he called, I explained to him the situation and asked them where they were, scolding him a little. He surprised me by laughing and told me that he was wearing them. Confused, I asked him what he meant by that and he said he typically re-wears boxers for only 2 days but it had been a crazy week and he haven’t had the time to change them out.

This was a total shock to me as this has never been brought up before. I ask him serval times to be serious, that “I can’t see your face, I can’t tell if you’re joking or not”. After 5 or 6 times of him telling me it was the truth that it finally sunk in. I told him this was incredibly gross and reminded him that I had gotten BV a couple times. I had always assumed that I had gotten it because he’s not super great at washing his hands but now I’m sure it’s the lack of genital hygiene. We had sex this morning and he hadn’t changed boxers in over 8 days.

He was still laughing at this point and said that he would “rectify the issue”. By the way he was talking, I’m guessing he didn’t want coworkers to hear but that statement wasn’t good enough. I told him we weren’t having sex again until I did laundry next week and saw 7-8 pairs of boxers in the wash. He finally stopped laughing and said I was taking this too far and “Really? You’re adding another reason why we can’t have sex?”. I told him I was serious but he kept repeating that I was being crazy.

I feel like this boils down to basic respect, but I can also see that this is a really small issue that I’m making a big deal about. I also recognize that he might be embarrassed about this and if I hold this boundary, in a way I’m kind of calling him gross. Judging by his tone, I think that this is going to turn into a bigger argument later. So I just want to know, am I being crazy? Is this something guys just do? Is it not worth the argument?

TD;LR: When doing the laundry I figured out my husband rewears his boxers and it’s causing an argument between us.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Low-Cellist-1755 on 2024-01-22 04:25:46+00:00.

For context, we’ve been living together not too long with two other roommates. He says he really enjoys living with me but he believes is scared our relationship may suffer if we continue living together. I have my own place, so I can go home but I don’t particularly want to as I’m scared it’ll affect the relationship. He’s not good at texting at all but in person he is great. He effectively mentioned me ‘going home’ in passing but when I asked again he told me there are some things I do which he doesn’t feel particularly happy with. Like I stop him gaming (says he thinks I’ll be bored so he doesn’t want to play) despite me never asking him to stop, i’ve only asked him to stop if we have had a previously decided plan. There were other reasons like me sleeping later than him, and wanting to go outside rather than stay home and not giving him ‘quiet time’-all of which he said feels like his life is being dictated by me; but he mainly said he was just afraid after a while we may start disliking one another? I told him im more than happy to set boundaries with him on all of these things and said if he needs quiet time I can definitely give that to him. I explained I believe if we can’t live together now then in the future we most probably can’t too- if he’s bugged by me now surely he will be in the future. In the end he told me it’s fine we can live together but for the sake of the roommates alternate between our places. But i don’t want him to be forced to live with me, I mean if he is struggling I think boundaries could be a good idea but I don’t want him to reluctantly agree to living with me. Now his mind is ‘changed’ should I still go home despite not wanting to?

EDIT: i really don’t doubt he loves me or wants us to break up

TLDR: BF has expressed his desire for me to go home, but has now told me I can stay. Should I still leave ?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRABluebirdOk771 on 2024-01-22 07:36:22+00:00.

Please read before responding.

So for a bit of background, my wife and I are 36 and 37 respectively. We've been married for 11 years and have three kids together. After our third child was born 3 years ago she got the "itch" and suggested we have a more open relationship. I was initially apprehensive about it as I struggle with jealousy, but I had also been worried that my wife was becoming tied down as a mom and that she was losing the crazy, sexy person she was when we first started dating. As a husband, I want my wife to be happy more than anything else, so I eventually agreed to the idea.

When we started, my wife seemed so happy and a lot more confident, which was enough to convince me that I made the right decision. I remember the first night she had a date with another guy how excited she was while getting all dolled up for him. When I saw her after she'd been with someone I noticed she was a lot more patient with the kids than usual and seemed generally relaxed. I was so happy for her that I didn't even care if her boyfriends cut into my time with her, I just wanted them to keep doing whatever it was that put her in such a good mood.

Everything was going well until one day I brought up a woman I was interested in. She was quite a bit younger than us which my wife had a problem with because she thought that she was irresponsible and it would be bad for the kids. This bothered me a bit because my wife had been seeing younger men and there were a few I didn't really like but I still never told her what to do. I met this other woman who was around my age that I really liked, however my wife was being a bit weird about it. After a couple of dates we decided to spend a night together. When I told my wife she said we need to "have a talk". She said she didn't want me seeing other women. I didn't think it was fair that she got to see other people while I wasn't allowed to, so we decided to end the open arrangement.

After a couple of months my wife came to me saying she wanted to have another "talk". She basically told me that she had been having thoughts about cheating since we stopped being open with our marriage and that she was worried if I didn't let her have sex with other men she might do it anyway. She said the only reason she wasn't comfortable with me seeing other women was that it made her feel less secure in our marriage. Although I was bit taken aback, I appreciated my wife being so transparent with me and decided to respect her needs. I let my wife be with other men while I kept myself to her, which I didn't mind as long as she was happy and we still had a loving marriage.

This has been the arrangement in our marriage since early 2022. In the past few months, I haven't been feeling so good about things. I find myself looking after the kids on my own a lot more while my wife goes out on dates and it makes me feel a bit humiliated. We still have a healthy sex life with each other but she isn't always that into it and sometimes just says she's too tired for sex. I've told a few relatives and close friends about our relationship and a lot of them have been telling me that I'm being used, which I got upset at them for a few times because I felt like they were judging us.

TL;DR: My wife wants to be allowed to fulfill her needs with other men but doesn't want me to do the same with other women.

Overall, I'm feeling a bit conflicted and need some advice. Is this an acceptable arrangement or am I being taken advantage of by my wife?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/_consume on 2024-01-22 07:33:06+00:00.

I (25m) have been seeing my gf for almost 3 years at this point. during these years we’ve had our problems like everyone else and that’s fine. it’s not the problems themselves that’s the issue, it’s how she acts when confronted with them.

my partner will try every dirty trick in the book to avoid responsibility. she will twist your words, try and change the blame, use strawmans, general hyperbole to make your views sound absurd or simply gaslight you by pretending she has apologized already.

if these low blows don’t work she will try and make you so angry she can discredit you. constantly interrupting you, repeating the same argument you’ve discredited several times already or just playing stupid like she doesn’t understand the words you’re speaking.

this behavior just won’t stop and she won’t admit to the manipulation. i’ve felt my feelings being invalidated for a long time now.

the reason i’m writing this post is ‘cause im feeling lost. i don’t know what’s left for me to try or if all hope is gone.

TL:DR: gf cannot have open, honest conversations about our hardships and tries to shift the blame and manipulate me instead of working together.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Free_Definition586 on 2024-01-22 07:31:44+00:00.

I've been in an on and off "situationship" with my ex for a little over a year. I would say we are like best friends. We hang out a lot, talk often (sometimes we won't talk for a couple of weeks), sometimes sleep together, cuddle and go out and do things together. He gives me the best advice when I'm in need, I can't count on him and vice versa.. both us know that we hold special places in our hearts for one another.. back story of relationship: We dated in the beginning of 2021 and broke up August of that year. We had a lot of miscommunication.. and I was devastated for a long time.

Anyway, it's not that I want to get back with him.. I like being able to explore what's out there and date (I really don't date that much though)

But, I always have these thoughts that my ex and I will get back together. We have such a close bound.. I could see myself with him and support him forever. I love him past his looks, I love his flaws, I love his soul. But.. he doesnt feel the same. He said he loves me, but we aren't compatible.. he claims he doesn't understand feelings. He doesn't feel. And he doesn't see himself being with anyone and that relationships are not for him. He claims that he loves having me around, he cares about me a lot and that I'm one of the closest people to him. But the idea of getting back together... ever.. is off the table.

We had this convo many times, and I always give in and try to accept that reality.. but then once again that "what if he changes his mind?" Thoughts come rolling in again..

I don't want to let him go, because he's one of my bestest friends. But I also believe I deserve to find someone who will be my bestest friend and commit to me.. I'm 31f and I would like to settle down and have a future with someone. It takes time building a close bond and surely he isn't the only one I can get this close to.

So idk what to do.. I've tried to date, and I haven't had luck. I'm wondering if it's because I'm subconsciously not opening myself up? dating takes a lot of commitment and I would be lying If I've said I've put all my effort. Part of me tells me to cut my ex off, but I'm also not ready to lose that friendship. I believe that keeping my ex around I will continue to live in this delusion that someday we will be together or he'll change his mind. I'm scared to lose him. The problem is is that this does not affect him whether I'm in his life or not. He completely understands if I have to cut him out and he has told me he doesn't want me to be hurt. I'm the one that has emotion in this.

We both admit that we are using each other to a certain extent I am his emotional blanket, giving him his cake, and I am also using him for the same thing. He he doesn't wanna lose me, but he is fine either way.

I don't know whether it's best to keep them around and continue to date until I find someone or if I cut the cord and learn to live without him? Eventually I will find someone who will except at the same characteristics and caring miss that I desire, and want to reciprocate.

What should I do?

TLDR: I'm inn an on-and-off "situationship" with my ex, enjoying a close bond with shared emotions. Despite wanting to explore other relationships, I harbor thoughts of getting back together. My ex claims he loves you but sees no future together due to perceived incompatibility. I'm torn between holding onto the friendship or cutting ties to open yourself up to new possibilities. My ex has become one of my best friends, so I'm so conflicted.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/JudetheMan on 2024-01-22 07:24:54+00:00.

TL; DR This might sound like a rant but i need advice. We have been together for 3 years and almost 5 months.

We fight on and off and this particular made me angry and I don't know should I be. I am asking my self am I the problem all along.

2 years into the relationship, we were living together during out studies. And my parents did not like it, my mom rushed in on us and scolded me for take advantage of my gf. Which she (my gf) misunderstood (because she does no speak my native tongue) , of my mom scolding her family and her for raising her like this. I tried explaining to her that my parents didn't mean it and was scolding me instead , but she insisted, as she had a male friend in the other room who was visiting us, who eavesdropped on me and my mom fighting, and told her my mom was saying her parents are bad people for raising her like that. And whenever she sees my parents calling or text me.. she would be furious, and say things like "why are you still talking to them" , "they hurt me, why are you nice to them ?". But I couldn't not talk to my family right? Now I feel like my parents are disappointed in me, because I rarely pick up calls in fear of having a fight with my gf and i feel my relationship with them might have been affected.

After my graduation, I've been working. And usually my work place usually takes me 30 to 40 mins to get there and 40 to 60 mins back to her place, and I've been driving almost every single day to see her and I also stay there eventhough I have a place to stay myself. During the weekends I buy food for us, usually delivery, I run out to takeaway food, or we spend the day in malls. All of these delivery and takeaway is usually expensive and I rather eat food that are cheaper and available at stores just below her place. But she claims to be allergic to foods that are cheaper as "you get the quality for what you pay" and she would have diarrhea and vomit after eating. So i comply, fair enough.

We had this fight recently, I told her I show my love by driving every single day to see her and buying food for her when I'm with her. And she told me that I am doing the bare minimum, and said "if you not doing these [ie driving and buying food] things, we are just friends" .. It kinda hurts.

It's does not help that we are going to live separately after a few weeks, as she's going back to her hometown forever after finishing her education. I would wish to travel there and stay with her. But the Career opportunities there are far too limited for my field, as I asked people that are from there and now resides where I am now.

It feels as though that we are going to go seperate ways soon. But it hurts when memories of our happy times flash through my eyes. We both want it to last forever but it seems like an impossible ordeal.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Sad-Tip-272 on 2024-01-22 07:07:54+00:00.

Currently my partner (ex partner? I don't even know anymore) is ignoring me. He's ignoring me because I wouldn't fly halfway across the world to be with him for my birthday while was at a conference. He didn't initially invite me. I asked if we'd be spending it together and he told me he'd be at a conference. Then I said oh we won't spend it together and he said oh you don't want to visit then either.

I asked to plan things together that way we can pick dates and things. He said he didn't want to plan things with me since I turned him down. I said no worries I can plan trips with other people or go places alone.

I didn't think this was that big of a deal but then he decides to just ignore me for 2 weeks. He said one thing after I pestered him and it was that he spends his time with people there. It honestly feels likes punishing me for not doing what he wanted. I don't like it.

My plan was to take it as a break up but I also don't like the idea of just pretending things don't exist anymore. I want to have a conversation. I'm not sure what to do.

TLDR: my partner has been ignoring me and I'm not sure if I should try to talk to him or take it as an implied breakup

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRA-159 on 2024-01-22 07:04:09+00:00.

Tl;dr is at the end.

Tonight, I (F28) was talking to my husband (M30) about wanting to write about my traumas/struggles and how I've been overcoming them to help other people. In the middle of talking, he called his friend because he noticed him driving on the same street. He didn't even say, "Can you hold that thought while I call my friend?" He just called him and I only realized it because I saw "Calling James" pop up on the screen. He apologized for it and asked me to continue after he briefly spoke to him.

As frustrating as it was, I thought I'd shake it off and continue talking, but I forgot where I was. He said it was about wanting to write a book, but I had said more after that point. At that point, I got upset and felt like not only was it rude to cut me off and call someone in the middle of my talking about something important for me, but now it felt like he wasn't really listening to me.

I briefly mentioned this, and then decided not to talk anymore. He apologized again and I said it's okay, he doesn't have to apologize twice. Even though I said it was okay, I was still hurt by it because it's not like I could just switch to being happy and acting like nothing happened. It was silent in the car for about 5 minutes until we got back home.

I told him I was going to feed my cats. Right afterward I had a sudden urge to poop, so I did. My husband walked in around 15 minutes later or so asking if everything's okay, I said yes and that I'm just pooping. When I finished, he asked if we can talk about what happened in the car. I said yes, after I shower.

So we talked about it after I showered, and he apologized again and said he'll be better at listening and engaging with me after he asked me what he could do to help me feel better about what happened. I told him I just have to see action moving forward, because he's done similar things nunerous times before and we've talked about it in premarital counseling.

So while things are fine now, I can't help but wonder if I was unintentionally punishing him or if he's just saying that to make me feel bad?

We have marriage counseling this week, but I'm looking for insight in the meantime. Right now I can only think that I could have been better at communicating how I felt in the car, but I don't see any reason to apologize to him because I don't think I did anything wrong to him.

tl;dr My husband called his friend while I was in the middle of talking to him. When he didn't remember where I was with talking, I decided to not talk about it anymore because I felt disrespected and not listened to. He apologized, but said he felt like he was being punished when I stopped talking.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Own_Ad_1640 on 2024-01-22 06:55:43+00:00.

I [M18] have been taking out this girl [F18] since late November. I’ve really enjoyed it and to my knowledge she was enjoying it too. Lately, she’s been getting distant and I’ve feared the worst. After talking to my friends, they’ve told me that I need to get some clarity from her and I agree with that. I’ve been in one other relationship, but I’ve never dealt with a situation quite like this. I just want to ask her if I should keep taking her out, but I don’t want to sound too blunt or harsh. Any advice?

Tl;dr: the girl I’m talking to has been getting distant and I want to know if I should keep taking her out or not.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Budget-Resort7186 on 2024-01-22 06:44:54+00:00.

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We call and text pretty much everyday because right now we are long distance. However, this past week he has not been as available and each time I called him we only talked for about 10-20 minutes and every call ended with him having to go do some work on the computer or take care of something around the apartment/ work. I fully trust him and he has never given me any reason not to. His job does require to work a lot so his unavailability is not weird or a concern to me. But this past week specifically when he has had free time, I have not felt like a priority. This whole past weekend he did not call me once. I wanted to see how long it would take him to call me on his own. As a result of this, on Saturday, we went hours without talking to each other until I finally caved and called him. And when we did talk on the phone I was frustrated with his lack of communication. But I never communicated how I felt and the reason why I felt the way I did. When he asked me if “something was up” I told him there was no problem…even though deep down there was. Today, I went about my typical Sunday routine which included going to church in the morning. After church I went out with Julie (a girl from church) and her boyfriend and we all met up with a group of guys that were watching a football game and drinking beer. The whole time my boyfriend and I were texting and I told him that I was with a “group”. Later on, after the game, the group of guys, Julie, and I all got sandwiched and decided to watch a show back at Julie’s dorm room (We all live in dormitories). While I was watching the show with everyone, my boyfriend messaged me and asked me what I was doing. I was hesitant to tell him that I had been with a bunch of guys drinking with them for the majority of the afternoon. Eventually, he texted me telling me that I had been very suspicious this whole weekend. I called him immediately to sort out all the details and explain myself to him. Obviously, he was not happy that I had been out drinking with a bunch of guys. I tried to explain to him that although they were new friends that they were all good people from either church or bible studies that I had attended. I have never lied to him and have never ever given him a reason not to trust me. Even though I found it super difficult to tell him that I was out drinking with guys, I was still forthcoming about it. I tried to apologize, but he did not want to hear it. I asked him if he was mad and upset with me and he responded back telling me to stop asking because it was getting weird that I kept asking. He told me that I was changing in a bad way. That I was not the same person he started dating. And that this was not what he signed up for. He also said that he felt like he couldn’t trust me and that if he couldn’t trust me there was no point in a relationship. I told him that I felt like our communication had been super off and weird lately. I understand that I should have told him over text that I was with guys drinking when he asked me the first time over text, instead of waiting to tell him over the phone. I know I’m in the wrong for that. I also know that I should have said something about our communication issue the second I felt it was off. We ended our phone call very awkwardly because we were both being silent. I told him that I really missed him and that I really wanted to fix the communication issue or whatever issue it was that we are having. He didn’t have much to say about this except that he just “agreed”. I asked him if I could talk to him tomorrow and he said yes. However, things just feel super weird between us still and I don’t know how to move forward. Do I text him and explain further? Act like everything is fine? Wait until we call tomorrow? This is my first long distance relationship and this is also the first time that I have faced this issue with him supposedly not being able to trust me. I don’t know what to do or say and feel so sad about all of this. Please help people of Reddit!

TL; DR: My boyfriend had to ask me twice before I told him that I was out drinking with guys because I was hesitant to tell him and now he doesn’t trust me.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/EqualSwan8836 on 2024-01-22 06:43:01+00:00.

I (25F) cheated on my boyfriend (25M) of 4 years.

I find myself here for multiple reasons. Those being that I do not have friends, the few that I do are hurt about this as well. The other few are old friends who I haven't spoken to in a long time and cannot help. The biggest reason is that I need the honesty and help of strangers. This is my first post and I'm not entirely sure how this works so I'm sorry about that. It's a long story and I am going to try to write it as separated from it as possible.

I am part of a group of friends from highschool who are half boys and half girls. (we're around 25-26 in age now). 4 years ago we became closer as a group and spent time together, went on trips etc. On one of our trips I became close to one of them, I'll call him B. B and I were clearly flirting with each other which was new for me. We talked a lot and became close very quickly and began a relationship together. The relationship lasted in total maybe just a few months (maybe 3). I cared about him and our relationship. He was the only person I could truly be myself around and I had no idea how that was possible. Around the same time I was also becoming closer to the boys in that group as a whole as I hadn't really done that in the past, especially with a guy I'll call A.

Despite my closeness with B there were some aspects of our relationship that were not working. Closer to the end of the relationship I found myself feeling withdrawn from him, and I felt that he was becoming withdrawn from me as well. During this time A and I were becoming closer, we talked about our lives, families, past relationships etc. When B and I broke up, A messaged me to "check up on me" and it immediately turned into something I don't know what to call besides "more than friends". That escalated very quickly to sexting, and speaking to each other like a couple. We made plans to see each other in person. When the day came I felt he became a different person, we did things that were sexual in nature which I did not enjoy. After that day we planned to meet each other again and go all the way. After making the plans, he was basically ghosting me, and B and I were speaking to each other again. The way we spoke to each other became flirty again, we felt the connection again. This means that I was in some sort of half relationship with both of them at the same time. The plans A and I made never happened, because he ghosted me ( I felt half disrespected by him and half relieved). My memories of the majority of this time is bad and I am trying to piece it together with fragments of texts that remain as I deleted a big chunk of the conversations I had with A. B and I got back together shortly after and A and I ended our stupid "relationship".

After that I buried what happened. A did so too. For the last four years I have been afraid to tell B about what happened because I did not want to lose him. There were times, mostly closer to the first years that I wrote him letters to tell him, I tried to work the courage to tell him, but I did not. I lived in fear he would find out, or that A would tell him. This past week that finally happened. He checked my phone and found the messages that I had not deleted and stormed away. He came back thanks to a friend who told him to talk to me. We had painful conversations for days where I told him only parts of the story. To explain it I was basically sugarcoating what happened, part of this was due to my bad memory of the time, But a large majority of it was me trying to pretend certain things did not happen or were not true. As B and I kept having these conversations, the story changed every time especially when he or I re read parts of conversations and looked for dates in them. The story was not how I remembered or I had only mentioned one part. B has talked to friends who are helping him ask the right questions to himself and to me. These are extremely hard questions but they are good questions that should be asked.

During the time B and I had these conversations with me he gave me chances repeatedly to be honest with him. Every time he did more things would come up, some were contradicting. And through these conversations a lot realizations and truths came out:

-I am selfish: Everything I did was for myself to not lose him

-I have not thought about him and how he would feel about certain things (that goes for a lot of other aspects of our relationship that came up repeatedly before and after this happened too).

-Not initiating in our sex life.

• not wanting to do something he might enjoy because it might be out of my comfort zone.

• not thinking about his perspective and how things would make him feel.

-being essentially someone he needs to take care of for simple things an adult should know howto do

• in general: not making effort to fix our issues which we discussed

-Despite me having thought that what happened with A was in the past and that I was only B's for those four years, it wasn't. By keeping this between us I essentially tied myself to A for 4 years. That means I cheated on B for 4 years.

-I didn't want to remember what happened with A. I didn't want to accept that I did that to anyone including myself.

-I did not want to admit and remember that what happened with A was not just a sexual desire, but that I also wanted some sort of relationship with him.

Things I know to be true:

-I love B, and I cannot let him go. Even if he were to leave, I know he is the person I want for the rest of my life.

-B loves me, if he did not he wouldn't still be here trying to work even a bit through this. He has expressed to me that he feels that even if he were to leave, he would feel that a part of me would be stuck to him, and that he doesn't want to get rid of that.

• I want to change, to be the person he deserves and the best version of myself I can be. I want to fix those aspects of the relationship I should have fixed in the past.

Things that are important to know:

-B warned me about A when we were together at the beginning of our relationship, and how he'd done similar things with other women, ones who were associated with B too.

-A was his friend and the man he was worried about which means what I did, I did it with the worst possible person.

-I have too much to learn, to relearn, to fix about myself to be a partner to him.

-I do not know how to make him feel secure. I do not want him to feel like a fool.

-I need help. I want to make this work. I have to make this work.

-I want a way to help him feel and know that this will not happen again.

I thought the day B found out about this he would drive away and never look back. He is here still, and I need to find a way to make him not regret this. This has of course made him see me as an entirely different person than the one he thought he knew. The same is true to me, as I have had to face myself and what I am/ was capable of doing. Please help me .

sorry for how long this is.

TL;DR I cheated on my boyfriend 4 years ago and he found out a week ago. I need help.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/haplessnothopeless on 2024-01-22 06:34:02+00:00.

TLDR; stuffed up early in relationship, how fix.

Throwaway/new account for this. I, 38 M, exercise physiologist, am dating a wonderful woman, 35 F, laywer, who I think is the love of my life.

I have ADHD and I can be quite impulsive about the things I say, and early in the relationship I said or did things without realizing the impact they'd have - diminishing the relationship we were developing by making it seem meaningless, etc. Some of it was also being uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, or negative experiences in previous relationship, meaning I was deflecting or joking to protect myself, instead of honoring the feeling of growing closer and accepting the discomfort that comes with being open.

I don't really have specific examples, but I agree with the things she mentions, even though my motive has been quite genuine/I've had a good reason why I've said or done what I did when we have talked it through after the fact.

This is something I have been working to improve upon. I address what I have said in the past, I own it, and hold space for/actively listen to the sadness and resentment and apologize unreservedly, and our day to day life is wonderful, but we never really repaired the initial hurt.

She has OCD, and when she is stressed, she ruminates. When she is significantly stressed (eg big court case coming up, life deadlines etc), she gets so hopeless about how I feel about her and whether she can count on me as a forever partner. I feel like I repeat the same things back to her without helping.

I am certain that we can overcome this and we'll have a long and happy life together, I just feel like I don't quite have the toolkit I need for this.

Does anyone have any strategies or suggestions for how best to support and reassure someone when they're in a negative spiral of rumination? (particularly with OCD) Does anyone have thoughts for ways I can improve when I communicate so it's more apparent how unreservedly I love this woman and how much I'm in it for forever?

(I have not required medication, but perhaps that's something I should explore to help with the impulsively saying things without thinking through from an ADHD perspective)

Help!

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/46_und_2 on 2024-01-22 06:33:59+00:00.

I am on a team of three people for a moot court competition in law school. It requires that we collectively write an appellate brief, a persuasive essay about why we should have won at the trial level. Naturally, we divided the issues amongst the three of us and scheduled a date to compile a draft. We met about a week ago and gave feedback to each other.

First, the entire brief is due in 4 days, and the she is not done with the revisions to her draft (which is preventing us from finishing other sections of the brief like the summary of the arguments). But that isn't the most difficult part. Today, she called me to ask a simple question, but I kept her on the phone because I wanted to discuss her section with her. It feels bad to say it, but her work is subpar at best. Some of the paragraphs are way off or simply don't make sense. I tried to talk through the arguments she is trying to make, but it's like we are talking past each other. She doesn't want to get to the bottom of the arguments; she typically says something like she'll look at it more later. I also suggested we move one of the arguments to a different section because it makes more sense for them to be combined, but she was adamant she had them the way they should be. Throughout this process I've attempted to give hints about what she should be arguing and where to look to support those arguments, but she opposes almost every suggestion I make.

It doesn't feel like she isn't putting in effort; she genuinely thinks she is doing a solid job. And it isn't that I'm too afraid to say it needs work. It's that she refuses to hear me out or accept assistance. I have no problems with the other teammate; we've worked together really well. Any suggestions on what I should do? The other teammate is very concerned about her performance, and he has suggested we speak with our supervising professor. We three meet in person this week to review our progress.

tl;dr: My writing teammate is not doing a good job and opposes any feedback I provide. I don't know how to get through to her.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/throwaway172435 on 2024-01-22 06:33:43+00:00.

Throwaway because I have IRL people who may recognize this on my other account.

My partner has asked me if I would cosign on a car for her. We have only been together for about five months, though we have known each other since middle school, and been close friends for years, and I do generally trust her.

However, I don’t exactly feel comfortable doing that, but I also know she does not really have any other decent options.

She is currently in college and waiting to be placed in an internship program, but has bills to be paid and needs very flexible work to make money, so does DoorDash/Instacart etc for work.

Her cars engine died last week, and the cost of repairs is more than the value of the car, so she is obviously not going to repair it, so she is parting out the worthwhile working ptieces for money.

She needs a very reliable vehicle obviously, as she uses it to work. She has enough money put away that she can make a down payment on a decent used car, but not enough to buy something outright. She has very high credit utilization and bad credit overall because of student loans and a relatively small amount of credit card debt, so she was denied for financing on her own.

The only family member she is close enough to ask also has terrible credit, so is not an option. She knows I have extremely good credit, and recently finally paid off all my debts outside of my own car loan, and have no utilization otherwise, so it would obviously work with me involved.

However, there is the risk of being stuck with the payment should she be unable to pay it, and while I don’t believe she would stick me with it out of spite if we did happen to break up at some point before the loan was paid off, I have to consider all possibilities when making this decision.

The way I see it, there are really 4 options, unless I’m missing something.

1: Co-sign for her, accepting the risk of being stuck with the payment if she defaults, which I do perceive to be fairly low, even if not zero.

2: Respectfully decline to co-sign for her, advise her to buy a cheap car and save for a little while, to then trade that car in and buy a more reliable/nicer car when she can afford it on her own.

3: Respectfully decline to co-sign for her, but offer to co-own a car with her, but essentially treat it just as a co-signed car, it would be entirely hers to use, pay the bill etc, but I just have the insurance of having my name on the title, could use it in an emergency, and with an agreement that I’d take my name off of the title once the car is paid off.

4: Respectfully decline to co-sign for her, but offer to buy a second car of my own, that she can use for work/whatever else until she can eventually afford to buy it off of me herself.

Would love to get some people’s thoughts on which of these would be the best option, if any are totally unreasonable, or any other ideas you may have that I’m not seeing. Thanks in advance, kind strangers!

TL:DR Partner asked me to co-sign on a car for her, as she needs a reliable car for work. I think it’s risky, and am considering options.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Downtownpixie on 2024-01-22 06:33:15+00:00.

I have been distancing myself from a group of friends I don't really connect anymore, I’ve been trying for a year, but somehow I reconnected, but I had enough after a month when a boy in the group told me that I was too busy working and doing my own things (I've been taking acting classes and castings). I didn't have time to go out with them anymore.

(I had many fights and bad times with them. That's why I didn't want to go out with them anymore and I was busy too)

One of my best friends is still in the group, she feels the same for them but she always comes back, I was telling her that I’ll never see those guys again in my life, and I show her the voice message I got from him, and she said it sounded like he was making fun of me for the acting part, and that never EVER even cross my mind for a second. I showed the voice to my family and another friend and they said nothing like that.

These guys, I really had some bad ones with them, but they never sounded like that, and They were always interested and asking questions about my classes and stuff.

And my best friend only showed interest when I got a cool opportunity

I'm not saying she should be interested, but when she said that, it felt like a big red flag, like is that what you think? Subconsciously or something?

I tried to ignore what she said because suddenly it made me feel very insecure but she kept saying over and over again that he sounded like he was making fun of me.

Then I realized I was feeling a little uncomfortable with her lately as well, we didn't talk much anymore, I recently had a little birthday party and she gave me an Office related gift. I don't even like The office that much, wtf???

This doesn't seem like an important detail but keep in mind she's been my best friend for over 7 years now

Is that on me? Like how don’t you know what I like? I don’t know

Excuse my English

Please help

TLDR: I got on a fight with a friend cos I didn’t had time to go out with them anymore. I told my best friend and she said it sounded like he was making fun of my dreams (?? And that was a huge red flag for me suddenly since it really didn’t sounded like that to me or to my family and to another friend