This is an automated archive.
The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/haplessnothopeless on 2024-01-22 06:34:02+00:00.
TLDR; stuffed up early in relationship, how fix.
Throwaway/new account for this. I, 38 M, exercise physiologist, am dating a wonderful woman, 35 F, laywer, who I think is the love of my life.
I have ADHD and I can be quite impulsive about the things I say, and early in the relationship I said or did things without realizing the impact they'd have - diminishing the relationship we were developing by making it seem meaningless, etc. Some of it was also being uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability, or negative experiences in previous relationship, meaning I was deflecting or joking to protect myself, instead of honoring the feeling of growing closer and accepting the discomfort that comes with being open.
I don't really have specific examples, but I agree with the things she mentions, even though my motive has been quite genuine/I've had a good reason why I've said or done what I did when we have talked it through after the fact.
This is something I have been working to improve upon. I address what I have said in the past, I own it, and hold space for/actively listen to the sadness and resentment and apologize unreservedly, and our day to day life is wonderful, but we never really repaired the initial hurt.
She has OCD, and when she is stressed, she ruminates. When she is significantly stressed (eg big court case coming up, life deadlines etc), she gets so hopeless about how I feel about her and whether she can count on me as a forever partner. I feel like I repeat the same things back to her without helping.
I am certain that we can overcome this and we'll have a long and happy life together, I just feel like I don't quite have the toolkit I need for this.
Does anyone have any strategies or suggestions for how best to support and reassure someone when they're in a negative spiral of rumination? (particularly with OCD) Does anyone have thoughts for ways I can improve when I communicate so it's more apparent how unreservedly I love this woman and how much I'm in it for forever?
(I have not required medication, but perhaps that's something I should explore to help with the impulsively saying things without thinking through from an ADHD perspective)
Help!