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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/AsparagusAmazing5454 on 2024-01-22 08:13:41+00:00.
How do I (23F) fulfill my boyfriend’s (24M) emotional needs if he tends to feel emotionally overwhelmed? - How can I understand him better? (Anxious-Avoidant)
We have been together for 4.5 years now. It’s a beautiful relationship, even though we have had ups and downs, and once a very hard breakup (2 months). We have a beautiful connection and that always makes us believe in love and fall in love again and again. We have been in long distance the last year and half. It began being chaotic (then we broke up), but then we figured it out (I have been in our city three times in long periods of time, he have been here once - latam/europe)
The thing is that I am a very wordy and emotional person. I tend to over think a lot and to be very comfortable with talking. He is kind of the opposite. We have learned a lot about each other and I really notice how we communicate and solve issues in a very very much lovely, respectful and understanding way. But I want to keep learning and being even more precise to his needs without leaving mine to the side.
I want to understand more deeply how men with “avoidance issues” work. I know his are very complex and he/we is/are on the way to discover them and help him feel more comfortable in general. But sometimes he has this “shield” of “I’m self-sufficient I don’t need you to be happy” when I say to him that I’m just trying to fulfill both of our needs and that really makes me sad. And I really freeze and don’t know what to do, I have this urge to cry. I sometimes get angry, but now I leave it there. Because I know I just get very sad. Not because I what him to need me necessarily, but maybe also? I feel sad about him having a shield that we don’t know how to break. You know what I mean?
I also feel sad about me actually feeling that I need him. And this unbalance that I’m afraid to translate in “do I love him more?” that I sometimes do. Sometimes I even talk to him, say to him that maybe I would like him to say to me if he needs my help to figure something out or something emotional, but he tends to say that he doesn’t need it or that he doesn’t wanna talk about it. He only asks me to do house stuff or tasks or help him calling or coordinating stuff. I always do it, I really enjoy it, that’s not the problem. The problem is that I don’t want to grow together feeling that there’s a part of him that I don’t know (vulnerability).
I don’t know how to deal with being so emotional. He nowadays sometimes say it’s ok, don’t overthink, that he doesn’t even think about the same stuff that I do and jokes about how could I, we laugh about it. But he has also judged me a lot. And the opposite way, I do and have done almost the same. I know we have tried and we keep trying our best everyday. I just would maybe like to know from another relationship like this if there is a way to understand him faster and give him the peace and distance / silence / comfort he needs without me feeling anxious ever? I’m just tired of not understanding him fully or only rationally understanding him. I would love to see his vulnerability in another way and not feeling it is “not showed enough” just because mine is “too much showed”. Or is it actually hidden and there’s a way to help him? Does he needs my help or doesn’t he?
Is there something you recommend me to do or think about? Or to remind myself? Or to give him without him needing to ask me?
Kinda avoidant-kinda anxious relationships, please give some tips if you can. Thank you a lot !!!!! All tips / opinions / sharing a are more than welcome and appreciate !!!!
TL;DR