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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Lolo-1794 on 2024-01-22 06:21:28+00:00.
I've (27F) been dating a guy (33M) for about 4 months. We're getting somewhat serious (spending every weekend together since meeting, celebrated Thanksgiving / Christmas / New Years together, have met his siblings / friends, he books things for weeks ahead, etc).
Things are currently going great. However, I have a lot of guy friends (I'm a girl that loves snowboarding) and I know he's worried I'll leave him for someone else. I recently found out that whenever I'm hanging with guy friends, he will text his most recent ex.
He's told me about this ex. They were in a relationship on and off over the span of 3 years (dated around 11 months in total, the longest period he was committed was 3 months. He kept dumping her to date other women). He met her after his wife cheated and was an emotional mess when they first met, hence why they were on and off for so long. When I asked why they broke up, he said, "On paper, she has all the qualities a guy would want in a partner...but for some reason, whenever I actually was committed to her, my gut kept telling me that I needed to leave and keep searching. To this day, I still know why I didn't want to commit to her. " He admitted he kept going back for so long because she made him feel safe and loved. I can tell she was really in love with him and that at some parts, he was serious about her too.
I didn't have my guard up about this ex until I found out he's texting her when I'm hanging out with guy friends. I've seen some of the exchanges (she called him once when I was there and saw his guilty expression….so I looked at their texts when he was showering). They were all flirty messages and he even went as far as sending her a song that's about wishing to get back with an ex. However, when she asks to hang out or talk to him on the phone, he will make an excuse as to why he cant.
What are your thoughts? Should I be worried that he still has feelings for her / wants to get back together? Or do you think he is just using her as a safety net because he's afraid I will leave him? We have had a conversation where we decided we are exclusively dating, so he knows he shouldn't be talking to his ex.
Regarding my guy friends: They truly are just friends, nothing more. If this relationship gets more serious, I will slowly phase them out if he meets and doesn't like them.
TL;DR! Should I be worried my boyfriend still has feelings for his ex?