Ask Lemmy

I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is "I'm fine thanks". any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.

As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”

The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:

“How are you?”

“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”

Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”

The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.

This is what I LOVE about German culture.

"How are you/Wie geht es dir" is a serious question. So you just ask that if you are genuinely ready for 2-3 minutes of information about the person's situation.

I went to an English boarding school for half a year and once a teacher walked by and asked me "how are you". Now I know she was just polite. But she looked so bewildered once I gave her an update on beeing so far from home for the first time and that the rooms are very very small etc. She was absolutely not ready for these 2-3 minutes, and I even think she was in a hurry.

Of course "I am suffering from serious depression and my life is in shambles" is also not a normal answer in Germany, but "puh, it's been rough the past few weeks, but I guess better time will come" totally is. Then it's the other person's choice to dig deeper or just accept that answer.

Here in Brazil (at least in my state) we usually say "Tudo bem?" which translates to "Is everything fine?" (in a casual way, not an emotional way) so it's more of a yes-or-no question. If I'm doing well or neutral, I'll just say "Tudo certo." (All is well.), if I'm not, then I just say "Mais ou menos." (More or less.) or "Não, e você?" (No, what about you?).

Honestly just saying I'm fine to someone I don't know doesn't bother me at all, although if it's someone I know better I would rather be honest with them.

I do. It's a cultural façade for both sides, one to pretend it cares, the other to pretend it's being honest.

You can say other things. Good. It’s been better. I’m alive. Just keep it short.

Have you considered ego death? Abandon concepts like being polite or not rocking the boat. Do something you think might be enjoyable because you can and laugh off others who don't understand. Life is too short to be normal.

I just stopped saying I'm fine. It's actually pretty fun to make things awkward. My best situations are usually "been better" and I'm usually more like "pretty shitty, my guy". People who didn't mean to ask will just wish me well but the best are when people agree with you and you go on a rant about shitty people for a half hour.

“The horrors persist, but so do I.”

Your issue doesn’t seem to be the greeting itself. Please - talk with someone about your potential depression. Maybe someday you can say honestly “I’m OK.” and it’ll sit better.

The people from northern Germany have very honest, but simple way to answer this question.

„Na? Wie is?“ (How is your life going right now?)

„Muss ja…“. (It is going on because it has to.)

Nope. I'm good 👍

I've mostly said "good" or "alright" or some of that cause if I tell people how I really feel, they suggest institutionalizing me

I've been going with "surviving" for the last year or so. It's about as good as I can confess to myself most days. I agree with you in that "good thanks", you? Feels you close to lying for my morals on my bad days.

“It’s good to see you” is still positive and doesn’t get into detail, so I prefer that.

Then stop lying about it :

"Hey, how you doin'?"

" Everything's bad, as usual, thanks"

Or

"Just as bad as yesterday, thanks, what about you?"

Or

"... next question?"

If it's a client and can't afford to be awkward, just say say

"Just another day"

And if people ask for more details but you don't want to talk about it, just say :

"Just having a bad day"

Or

"Nothing good happened yet"

Or

"Nothing out of the ordinary"

Or just make up your honest but polite answers

No one really wants an accurate answer. It's just a greeting. Someone says 'how are you?' you say 'grand' then get on with your day. Same as when someone says 'what's happening?' They don't want a comprehensive list of your woes and such.

Edit: just found this - https://lemmy.world/post/25032324

I don't, I rely an ready made sentences that require no effort on my part are that are not lies at all. Depending who's asking when someone is asking me how well I'm I will answer (it's in French)

• 'Je vais bien, pas le choix!' (I'm doing well, no choice!) or more often 'Je vais toujours bien, c'est défendu d'aller mal!' (I'm always well, It's forbidden to feel bad!'). Edit I will more often than not smile, saying that.
• 'Bien sur et toi?' (sure, and you?) and, yep, I purposefully do not answer the question.

I don't lie (I may even hint that I may not be doing that well, in the first type of answers) but I also shamelessly use the fact that most people don't give the slightest crap how well I really am when they're asking. That's small-talk 101. Like saying 'the weather is nice today, isn't it?'

The less interactions I have with the kind of persons who rely on small-talk, the happier I'm. So, it never bothers me to be 'polite' as I know how efficient it is to shorten the time and energy I waste with them.

Personally, I've come to despise the "How're you?" greeting — it feels like it normalizes impersonal interactions and encourages the behavior of masking one's emotions. When someone asks "How are you?" I want that sentence to actually carry the emotional weight that it verbally masquerades. So, if someone says "How are you?", I just respond with a generic greeting like "Hi".

I've gotten used to saying,"I continue to be blessed with gainful employment" in my usual flat sarcastic tone. At a surface level it's gratitude focused, but the context of my high-stress job and my deadpan delivery accurately communicates my stress level but in a way people find just humorous enough that it doesn't stress them out further in turn. Communicating my inner emotional state in a way they don't find stressful also helps create that very slight emotional intimacy that they're seeking by inquiring (but that also benefits the highly team-oriented nature of my work). On the other hand it allows both of us to maintain a comfortable emotional distance because it doesn't really prompt any in-depth response or further inquiry into my well being, just an acknowledgement that I said it such as,"I know, right?"

So I would maybe see if you can find a similar scripted / canned statement that communicates your actual emotional state in a slightly humorous manner. For instance "They're gettin' their money's worth outta me today!" or if you work in a 9-5 office job people might respond well to "Whelp. It's Monday alright." You could even go extra catch-phrase-y and say something like "maybe not thriving, but definitely surviving!" Exactly what sounds good with your overall "vibe" in the context of the "vibe" of your workplace will vary and might take some experimentation to find. My above canned response suits my personal vibe because I've got that hyperlexic autism thing going on so the relative complexity of my phrasing makes people go,"Yup, that's Apy alright!" (again, slight emotional intimacy) but also fits well in the context of a job that's expected to be stressful.

You can practice saying it in front of a mirror or under your breath and after a while it will just start rolling off your tongue with very little emotional or cognitive effort on your part. It'll also require less emotional or cognitive effort than ruminating on your inner emotional state and feeling like you're having to make a conscious decision about whether or not to lie about it or worse opening yourself up to dumb questions and statements from people who know next to nothing about how to actually discuss mental health concerns.

Source: am high acuity psych nurse with a borderline personality diagnosis. I've had a lot of social skills training as part of my own diagnosis / treatment plus I've observed a lot of people's behavior and had to learn a lot about team dynamics to do my job.

Best of luck!

This question is a piece of the small talk death conversation. I don’t feel it should be asked unless you want to know. But that is me. I also loathe small talk, I feel it’s for people who can’t handle silence and thus demand energy from other to full said silence.

Others ask it like it’s the equivalent of “hello”. Saying the truth is like hearing “hello” and then talking about your life. Saying “hello” back is done by saying “fine”.

Where this messes up the human metric is the habitual responding. A provider enters a room in the morning to ask a hospitalized patient how they feel. Instead of responding honestly the patient says “fine”. Provider leaves to move onto the next patient. After the provider is gone for that day the patient realizes their error, or doesn’t understand why the provider disappeared so fast.

Its so annoying question sometimes, "how are you". I dont want to start conversation about it and i dont want other person to worry. Buts its also polite so you cant really do anything about it and alternative would likely just be they dont say anything at all which would be cold. I hate lying or being expected to just go through the motions.

Then stop lying and say 'could be better.' gives the illusion it's ok but not the best.

As others have pointed out, the problem is "How are you?" on its own is generally a greeting not a question.

As such the answer is largely irrelevant - so while it doesn't have to be outright lie, the answer shouldn't be longer than a single statement and shouldn't make the other person feel like they need to be concerned.

If you want a slightly less beaming answer you could go with "Alright", "same old, same old", "same as always", or "Eh, could be worse", or any of the other suggestions already made.

I found out that the best way to make (certain) people stop asking it is to just be entirely honest for a change.

Don't say "I'm fine, thanks. And you?" Launch into a depressing tirade about everything that sucks in your life and the world. Trust me, they'll never ask again.

Heavenly peace.

I say what's up when people ask. People don't know how to respond/react or they laugh.

It is infuriating. I've taken to answering the question more literal. "How" am I? Well, it depends who you ask but the leading scientific consensus is that our known universe began to take shape in what's known as the great expansion. And then...

You gotta make people learn to stop asking you that.

Just give a number out of ten.