this post was submitted on 21 Feb 2024
1140 points (99.0% liked)

Lemmy Shitpost

27176 readers
4865 users here now

Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!


Rules:

1. Be Respectful


Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.

Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.

...


2. No Illegal Content


Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.

That means:

-No promoting violence/threats against any individuals

-No CSA content or Revenge Porn

-No sharing private/personal information (Doxxing)

...


3. No Spam


Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.

-If you have posted content, please refrain from re-posting said content within this community.

-Do not spam posts with intent to harass, annoy, bully, advertise, scam or harm this community.

-No posting Scams/Advertisements/Phishing Links/IP Grabbers

-No Bots, Bots will be banned from the community.

...


4. No Porn/ExplicitContent


-Do not post explicit content. Lemmy.World is not the instance for NSFW content.

-Do not post Gore or Shock Content.

...


5. No Enciting Harassment,Brigading, Doxxing or Witch Hunts


-Do not Brigade other Communities

-No calls to action against other communities/users within Lemmy or outside of Lemmy.

-No Witch Hunts against users/communities.

-No content that harasses members within or outside of the community.

...


6. NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.


-Content that is NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.

-Content that might be distressing should be kept behind NSFW tags.

...

If you see content that is a breach of the rules, please flag and report the comment and a moderator will take action where they can.


Also check out:

Partnered Communities:

1.Memes

2.Lemmy Review

3.Mildly Infuriating

4.Lemmy Be Wholesome

5.No Stupid Questions

6.You Should Know

7.Comedy Heaven

8.Credible Defense

9.Ten Forward

10.LinuxMemes (Linux themed memes)


Reach out to

All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules. Striker

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 118 points 10 months ago (4 children)

Silverback. Yeah mambas should be scared and stay away, but one crazy one and you can't hide anywhere. With the gorilla I just need to stay somewhere closed off, like on top of an elevator car. But also silverbacks understand conciliatory gestures. If you're submissive they won't attack you. Literally the opposite of a black bear encounter. Make yourself small, look away, and slowly move away.

[–] [email protected] 90 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Or head to the lingerie store and seduce the gorilla.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 10 months ago

Ah, the Bugs Bunny approach... worst case scenario you get flattened and walk away with funny sound effects.

[–] can 28 points 10 months ago

Why waste a nice night away from home eh

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] [email protected] 109 points 10 months ago (4 children)

Gorilla might come at you because fuck you. Mamba is scared shitless of you.

[–] [email protected] 103 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Yeah, just stay out in the open away from places a snake might hide so that you don't accidentally scare one, and the Mambas should be fine.

[–] [email protected] 46 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Yeah my son has gotten really into snakes. They reallly just want you to leave them alone. Good thing too since they can move at 12 mph

[–] prettybunnys 56 points 10 months ago (1 children)

12mph is coincidentally the speed my bowels would empty if I saw a black mamba coming at me at that speed.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 39 points 10 months ago (1 children)

There are hidden hallways behind the shops, if you can get back there the gorilla won't ever find you. Hell go to the elevator or a bathroom and just chill for a day.

[–] [email protected] 32 points 10 months ago (4 children)

Gorillas are some sneaky motherfuckers. That's the first place they'll hide waiting for you.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 10 months ago (1 children)
load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 105 points 10 months ago (8 children)

All the people who are not choosing to chill with a usually calm intelligent mammal because "snakes will get out of your way" apparently don't know shit about black mambas:

Skittish and often unpredictable, the black mamba is agile and can move quickly. In the wild, black mambas seldom tolerate humans approaching more closely than about 40 metres (130 ft)

When confronted, it is likely to engage in a threat display

During the threat display, any sudden movement by the intruder may provoke the snake into performing a series of rapid strikes, leading to severe envenomation

Give me a big strong dude intelligent enough to leave you alone after you're demonstrated that you're not a threat any day!

[–] n3m37h 52 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Malls have food, I'd be that gorillas personal chef for 24 hours

[–] [email protected] 25 points 10 months ago (1 children)

That was my thought. Me and my new best friend are going to learn to make pretzels! Together!

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 18 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Couldn't you just like go in an upstairs bathroom and just lock the door?

[–] [email protected] 24 points 10 months ago (1 children)

The snakes could go down the drain of a toilet in the other restroom, and come out inside your restroom.

[–] [email protected] 30 points 10 months ago (2 children)

I am sick of these mother fucking snakes in the mother fucking bathroom

[–] [email protected] 10 points 10 months ago

I'm an tired of these mother fucking mambas in this mother fucking mall

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 19 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Maybe, but that would work with the Silverback too 🤷

Regardless, 24 hours locked in a bathroom could be its own kind of hell tbh..

[–] [email protected] 19 points 10 months ago

Meh that isn't too far away from my life most days. Except I don't have to wash dishes.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago (1 children)

From the same Wikipedia article:

The black mamba's reputation for being ready to attack is exaggerated; it is usually provoked by perceived threats such as the blocking of its movements and ability to retreat.

Despite its reputation as a formidable and highly aggressive species, the black mamba attacks humans only if it is threatened or cornered.

[–] itsprobablyfine 13 points 10 months ago

Good thing there's no corners or enclosed areas in malls

[–] [email protected] 11 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Yup, I'd feel much safer with a gorilla. But I'm stupid enough to try to befriend him with fruits lol

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (4 replies)
[–] [email protected] 75 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Gorilla. No doubt in my mind. It's a hell of a lot easier to keep track of where one gorilla is compared to 5 black snakes.

One gorilla will probably ignore me as long as I keep my distance. Keeping distance and even putting a wall or 3 between you and the gorilla is trivial in a place as large as a mall.

On the other hand, snakes might mostly ignore me, but since I don't know where the fuckers are, it's a lot easier to accidentally startle or threaten one.

My new best friend friend Coco isn't coming through pipes, air ducts, holes in walls, etc. Big strong boi isn't hiding in the corner of a closet waiting to bite me as I reach in to grab a snack.

I'd go to the food court, put out a cornucopia of food, make sure the gorilla sees me leave it there for them, bow respectfully and slink away, then spend the rest of the 24 hours clear on the opposite side of the mall.

This all assumes that the gorilla isn't enraged for any particular reason or starving. But even if so, I think gorilla is the safer answer, just the evasion technique changes.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

I don't think a gorilla would be chill while stuck in a mall

Are the snakes hungry? You can be on an open space, or a strtegically closed one to keep away from the snakes.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 64 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

I mean if we're gonna take this goofy post at face value and get addmitedly WAY too into the breakdown...

The context of if they are agitated or otherwise hostile for some external reason is actually kinda critically important here lol.

In a situation where they are just passively existing and you need to choose which species to just co-habitate with I'm choosing the monkey FOR SURE.

  • Any snake is going to be hard to spot, an ambush predator, specifically one (or 5!) as deadly and teritorial as a black mamba, is going to be nigh impossible to keep track of, sneaking around and catching prey off-guard is literally their whole thing. On top of that, while gorilla's vary greatly in personality (just like humans) odds are decent that if you just leave them alone they will leave you alone.

  • Hell, maybe if you manage to find some fruit you might even be able to AT A GREAT DISTANCE establish some sort of basic report with the Silverback. Like, don't pet the guy, but if they know you don't have hostile intentions and occasionally provide snacks they probably will keep their "territory" reasonably small, letting you scavenge more areas.

But if the script is flipped and we are in a full blown survival setting? Where for one reason or another the animal(s) has our number from the moment we step foot in the mall? You are fucking insane if you choose the Silverback Gorilla.

  • Those things are ludicrously fast, Huge, have great senses, and will literally rip you in half. You would be dead within minutes of entering the mall no matter how far away that gorilla starts from you.

  • Snakes you can at the very least survive longer, if not outright just escape them and hide somewhere relatively hermeticly sealed. Maybe find a cabinet you can squeeze into and close the doors to let oxygen in but too small for snakes, maybe find a tall shelf or rafter and collapse the furniture used to climb on your way up to prevent the snakes climbing it as well.

  • A Silverback gorilla however is not only far faster both climbing and on land, but has enormous fucking gorilla arms to rip away any sort of door or cover you try to use to hide.

If we're being generous and assuming this is taking place in the largest mall in the USA, The Mall of America, and the gorilla starts on the opposite side of the mall from where you enter. It would need to clear roughly 1 mile (assuming the 1 mile-ish exterior wall of the mall is circular (it's not but just humor me), in order to get to you. A silverback gorilla's top land speed is roughly 25mph, that means 2200 feet per minute, that means you have just over 2 minutes to get into a meat freezer or something equally tough before it catches you. So you not only need to know where one is, but it needs to be close enough to get to in such a short time. Hell no, I'm taking the snakes.

Anyway thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

[–] [email protected] 22 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (2 children)

Dude.

Snakes do not care for you. They will try to get away from you.

So as long as you don't sit on one, you're bueno.

Gorillas are so alike us and have social behaviour that it would find you in the mall (as it would definitely smell you at some point) and there's really nothing you could do to appease it enough.

Looking a silverback in the eyes can be a death sentence, which you won't be able to run away from.

You can get away from snakes with a brisk walk, and they would never challenge you unless cornered.

Also, you can fight a snake with a stick, whereas even if this mall was American and you had a handgun, you'd have a tough time taking down the gorilla before it ripped you to shreds.

There's no scenario in which it'd be smarter to pick the gorilla. Not even one where it's from a zoo.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 10 months ago (3 children)

You can get away from snakes with a brisk walk, and they would never challenge you unless cornered ... Also, you can fight a snake with a stick ...

Black mambas move at like 15mph (much faster than you or I) and are absolutely capable of killing a fully grown human if they feel threatened. Fighting them off with a stick is a great way to get a one way ticket to ground town lol.

My point was that the risk of accidentally meandering into one's nest is enormous. I guess the answer is just stay in large open areas, but I was thinking more like a post apocalyptic "look for food and survive" kinda angle.

But yeah, I 100% agree that the Silverback is the more dangerous option here by a huge margin. I just think given a situation where you could avoid it long enough to find a hiding place it can't get into (like a restaurants freezer). I'd rather the hulking gorilla that I can hide from over the deadly snake that might have made it's home in my rudimentary shelter.

load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 51 points 10 months ago

man i'd rather hang out with a gorilla at the mall than most people, wtf kind of question is that

[–] [email protected] 33 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Me and 24 gorilla pals going to Auntie Annie's after a movie then looking through GameStop.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 32 points 10 months ago

I’m taking the snakes 100%. Snakes don’t want to bite you, so stay in open spaces and you’re all good.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

A gorilla could probably catch me, but 5 black mambas aren't that fast unless the mall is underwater (average top speed is 12mph on land). It's a big mall. Maybe they're all over at Sears while I'm safe at Suncoast.

[–] csm10495 11 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Does your mall still have a Sears?

[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago (5 children)

Does your mall still have a Sun Coast?

load more comments (5 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 25 points 10 months ago (4 children)

My first reaction was mamba, and I actually thought that I was going to be in the majority. I don't know much of black mambas, but most of the snakes I've encountered first hand tend to not want to be anywhere near you and will almost always try to avoid biting you. But on further research it seems they are rather territorial. Even so, I do think they'd be more likely to want to hide than stay in open spaces. But that's a double edged sword, since they'll probably end up in the most random nooks and crannies then bite your head off (or at least try) if you stumble upon them.

Realistically though, regardless of which one I choose, I'm going to try and stay as far away as possible. If it's snakes, I'll probably climb onto a table or something, maybe up on top of some shelves in a grocery store. If it's a gorilla, I'd probably try to hide somewhere hard to access. On top of a lift or in a walk in fridge as others have suggested seem like good bets. I don't really trust either to not try and kill me given the right circumstances

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] [email protected] 24 points 10 months ago (3 children)

Sure, lots of big animals are gentle. However when something the size of a car decides to gore you or rip your spine in half, there’s nothing you can do about it

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] [email protected] 24 points 10 months ago (4 children)

Black mammas at the mall shopping for pant.

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] [email protected] 20 points 10 months ago (1 children)

oh its mamba time. for sure.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Mambas numbering five...

Ah 1, 2, 3-4-5...

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 20 points 10 months ago (6 children)

If they are not mad at me I'll just go to the fruit stand with the gorilla and chill.

load more comments (6 replies)
[–] [email protected] 19 points 10 months ago

Definitely the gorilla. I'd be raiding the food court with my new pal. FOOD FIGHT!

[–] [email protected] 18 points 10 months ago

Black mambas for sure. I just keave them alone and fuck off into some corner

[–] [email protected] 16 points 10 months ago (3 children)

I'm Australian so obviously a black mamba. Dealing with more venomous snakes than that in your house and property is just how you grow up, even in outter suburbs of metro areas.

[–] Imgonnatrythis 34 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Plus the gorillas in Australia are venomous anyway.

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 15 points 10 months ago (4 children)

Take some warm clothes, hang out in a walk in fridge at the the food court. Easiest however much they're paying me for this I've ever made.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 10 months ago (1 children)

That would work for the gorilla too, unless it saw you go in, and was particularly mad.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] [email protected] 12 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Gorilla any day. If the Black Mamba kills you, it is not a pleasant death, 7-15 hours. Gorilla will probably beat/bite me to death as fast as possible to minimise any risk to itself. The Mamba will also be much more unpredictable vs the Gorilla. But I wonder how this situation would be if it was over a week and not 24 hours

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 11 points 10 months ago (1 children)

That depends. Is there a Hot Topic in the mall?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 10 months ago (2 children)
load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›