this post was submitted on 21 Jan 2025
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The fact i was considering this to be real for a Moment tells a lot about americans
I probably need one of these and a box of corn flakes.
Grown ups need this too. Like uh, my friend.
"self-raping child"
That kid is going to develop a bondage fetish
For real. If you've ever woken up face down with your morning wood against the mattress you know this cross isn't helping in the slightest
Dr Kellogg would approve.
When I was about 14 I had a friend whose mom caught him masturbating. She duct taped oven mitts to his hands every night before bed for a week until Sunday, when she took him to their priest. The priest told her, basically, she was crazy. Masturbation is a sin, yada yada Catholic line, but that she could not duct tape her child's hands at night, and because it was a counseling session and not a confessional, he would be required to report her if it continued.
Dude was so fucking messed up, though. Kept up with him on Facebook for a while after j moved, and he ended up doing a lot of SI and then in his mid twenties went full goth and got a shit ton of piercings and tattoos to cover the scars.
because it was a counseling session and not a confessional, he would be required to report her if it continued.
Wtf.........
Priests are technically mandatory reporters for any abuse found out about outside of the confessionals.
I should clarify:
The wtf is multifaceted.
- the fact that the reporting requirement is qualified by the role he was playing
- the fact that he would report her "if she continued"
- the fact that he shared he could report her at all if the first two conditions were met
To the 2nd and 3rd points, I think the mentality is 'bitch be crazy, but maybe she's not stupid enough to do it again'. I've heard of parents doing really fucking stupid shit with seemingly good intentions, and most of them will realize how fucking stupid they are once you metaphorically hit them with a clue by four.
The first is due to archaic rules that allow the confessional booth to be outside of the reporting under the thought that this is just supposed to be between the sinner and god('s representative). It's fucking stupid, but most of Christianity/Catholicism is in my experience.
They're also looking to increase child birth. So how's that gonna happen if it's sin. Church is so fucking stupid.
What.
The.
Fuck.
It's for parents more concerned about kids touching themselves than priests touching their kids.
This is actually used to prevent kids from stopping clergy while God groping goes on. The cross makes it a sign from God so it's okay.
It's obviously satire mate
And it's been floating around for at least ten years. So don't worry, little Timmy is safe.
I'm glad this is clearly a satire website, because people have suggested and performed much much much worse in reality. A certain purveyor of corn flakes comes to mind
Corn flakes...?
Kellogg: The Great American Cum Doctor | BEHIND THE BASTARDS YouTube link
Those corn flakes weren't made to be a good breakfast time meal, friends.
One of their best episodes.
Oh boy, you get to learn about Dr Kellogg with knowing anything about him but the cereal brand! Lucky
The velcro around his head is to keep him from self-sucking
Anyone brave enough yet to go to the website?
I did. It's fucking gold...
Very clearly a joke site, but it was a good laugh.
Edit: I think at least some of the comments are real, and that's even more hilarious.
Squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me; and I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co-laborers’ hands in it, mistaking their hands for the gentle globules. Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continually squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say,—Oh! my dear fellow beings, why should we longer cherish any social acerbities, or know the slightest ill-humor or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness.
(Herman Melville, Moby Dick)
I could wank in that.
Yeah, velcro ain't stopping any urges.
Change the colors a bit and this could be some bondage restraints
"And if the little tikes weeping gets you down, then bundle your purchase with the new Bluey Ball-gag! No more 'nono' touching, and you can still hear Jerry Springer!"
need