this post was submitted on 24 Jul 2024
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It's not true, folks. The lying liberal media wants you to think he'd shag a settee. That he'd bone a book stand. That he's creamied on the credenza.

Don't trust them. My beautiful boy JD, he'd never do it! He's chaste with the chaises. He's never loved a loveseat.

My VP would never fuck furniture.

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[–] [email protected] 116 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (4 children)

...to completion...

Interesting specificity.

Is this satire? It is really hard to tell in this reality.

[–] [email protected] 68 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Sadly I’m only 80% sure it’s satire

[–] [email protected] 27 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's fake, Mountain Dew isn't mentioned once.

[–] Fuck_u_spez_ 8 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Even for him, that was such a weird comment. Do we have his financial disclosures yet? I wouldn't be shocked to learn that he owns PepsiCo stock.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago

I would actually be surprised if he releases anything of value. Trump refused to release his taxes, and emulating Trump's destruction of democratic norms is a base-ante show of fealty right now.

[–] [email protected] 51 points 3 months ago (3 children)
[–] jballs 15 points 3 months ago

Damn Snopes could've just said it was False, but they went above and beyond by linking all the spiciest memes. Including this one: https://x.com/MeachamDr/status/1815389845897789815

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Well yeah but is the above response also satire or a real denial of the satire being true?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

This stood out to me as well, and I too find myself potentially eating the onion on this one.

What a time to be alive!

[–] [email protected] 41 points 3 months ago (1 children)

If God didn't want us to shag couches, why did he make them so damn sexy?

[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 months ago (1 children)

To test those strong in will and trusting in faith.

And God forbade Moses from inserting himself between the couch cushion or folding the pillows in half for pleasure. A second and third time, God commanded Moses, "thou shalt not hump the armrest whilst spanking thyself and going 'ungh ungh ungh ungh!'"

As Moses mounted the backrest of the couch, God told Moses he was starting to get pissed off. "What?! I can’t even make love to the back cushions?!" Moses exclaimed. "No, not upon any part of the couch shall you spread your seed, I just had it reupholstered."

Defiantly, Moses did then crap upon his own hand and smeared his filth upon God’s couch. God grew impatient and chided Moses, "You bastard! I’ll fucking kill you before you ever reach Israel for that!" And He saw that it was good while Moses made faces at God and falsely claimed he did not wish to enter Israel anyway.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago

This is beautiful

[–] [email protected] 40 points 3 months ago

LBJ: Let's spread a rumor that he's a pigfucker.

Aide: But he never fucked a pig...

LBJ: I know. I just want to hear him deny it.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 3 months ago (3 children)

You know what? It's 2024, I don't really care if you fuck couches.

There, I said it.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago

That.

I care really a lot if you accuse somebody of being Hitler and then go work for him. But fuck anybody caring about fucking couches.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

First it's just the couch.

Then it's the couch with your wife on it.

Then it's your wife.

This is a documented progression of predatory behavior

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago

You didn't think about the couch, do you? Animal.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Their silence on the geese claims speaks volumes, however.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Certainly not silence from the goosen consortium

[–] stringere 3 points 3 months ago

The lambs are eerily quiet on this as well.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 3 months ago
[–] [email protected] 16 points 3 months ago

Gives a new meaning to loveseat

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago

Never to completion, eh? Looks like we found someone who loves being on the edge

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago

LOL whatever you say. couchfucker.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Is this a real image? Please tell me it's a real thing the campaign released this is fucking halarious.

Edit: aww satire :(

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago

It's crazy and sad how we can't tell the difference anymore, isn't it.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago

The real joke is that there's no IKEA in Cleveland. 30 Rock made a joke about it and everything.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 months ago

Our nations furniture isn't safe with a predator like Jizz Daybed Vance in charge.

[–] grandma 6 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Would JD Vance ever fuck a couch, melons, jell-O or other food stuffs or furniture? Just askin'?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

The best part of this is that J.D. Vance will never be able to be in a photo with a couch ever again. Think about how hard that is going to be, especially if he is VP.

Otherwise we'll be collecting them as evidence of all the couches he's fucked.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

Well, I didn't think he had sex with Jell-O, but this letter is making me questioning it.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Gen-Z had entered the contest it seems.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

What's his stance on shooting puppies?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago
[–] entropicshart 2 points 3 months ago

Lenny needs some flair or global politics filter

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

I have a KIVIK in my room. Never thought to have coital relations with it though. Pretty sturdy ottoman. The Ottoman Empire would be proud of the Swedes for it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

Vance has fucked a couch