Start telling a long and rambling story that in no way relates. Keep talking until interrupted.
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Interrupt yourself with explanations that jump from place to place on the timeline of events but doesn't help the story in the slightest. "It all began with (insignificant event) back in (month and year). We were supposed to be doing (work task with too detailed of an explanation), but (coworker) started talking to us about (current event at the time, explain in too much detail). Then (I/family member/friend) got COVID about a week or so later. I think they probably got it from not wearing a mask at (event). (Explain all the COVID precautions and conspiracies and left vs right politics)."
So basically watch some Trump speeches and mimic them.
I remember being on the hiring committee for my new manager. One of the two finalist candidates took several times longer than necessary to answer the questions without adding substance. When we met to discuss our decision, most committee members tried to voice more substantive reasons. Finally someone just cut the shit and said something like "it sounds like no one wants to listen to him talk." So yes, yammering is an excellent people repellent.
I've quit a toxic workplace before - I just said "it's a bad commute". Nobody can really pick at that reasoning since everyone has way too many personal variables for commutes (even from adjacent houses) to be comprable.
Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues
Now if there was ever a job for an LLM like ChatGPT, this is it
I asked llama2.ai and this is what it said.
The suggestions sound..... generic. I guess that's the point.
- Keep it simple: • "I've decided it's time for me to move on to new opportunities. I'm excited about what the future holds." • "I'm leaving for personal reasons, but I'm grateful for the experience I've gained here."
- Emphasize positivity: • "I've learned so much during my time here, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to have worked with such a great team." • "I've really enjoyed my time at this company, and I'm going to miss working with you all."
- Offer support during the transition: • "I want to make sure that everything runs smoothly during the transition. Is there anything specific you'd like me to focus on in my remaining time here?" • "I'm happy to help with training or knowledge transfer in any way I can. Just let me know what you need."
ChatGPT gave me:
“I have decided to move on to pursue different opportunities. Thank you for your support and cooperation during my time here.”
I asked Bing to answer like a politician. Here’s what I got.
I appreciate your engagement on this topic. It’s indeed a multifaceted issue that requires a nuanced approach. When contemplating the intricacies of career transitions, one must consider the broader socio-economic factors at play. The dynamics of the workforce, the shifting paradigms of work-life balance, and the pursuit of personal fulfillment are all critical elements that inform such decisions.
In the grand tapestry of one’s professional life, each role is a thread that contributes to the overall pattern. It’s not merely about the positions one holds, but the narrative they weave together. It’s about the people you meet, the skills you acquire, and the impact you make. And sometimes, to continue weaving that narrative, a change of scenery is necessary—not because the previous scene was inadequate, but because the story demands growth, and growth often requires change.
Moreover, in the spirit of public service and the continuous quest for improvement, it’s incumbent upon us to seek out challenges that not only test our mettle but also contribute to the collective advancement of our communities. Thus, when one door closes, it’s not a termination, but a transition; not an end, but an evolution. And as we evolve, we must adapt our strategies and roles to better serve the common good, always with an eye towards the future and the endless possibilities it holds.
It’s important to consider that a career, much like a journey, is composed of various experiences and opportunities. Decisions regarding one’s professional path are often reflective of a multitude of factors, including personal growth, aspirations, and the ever-evolving landscape of the industry. It’s essential to align one’s professional endeavors with the broader objectives and values that we hold dear. Thus, any decision made in this context is done with careful consideration of not only the immediate implications but also the long-term vision for one’s contributions to the greater good.
These are the best answers of the bunch. Honest, direct, and without emotion.
"You! You're the reason I'm quitting. Yeah, you're just kind of a shithead, you never do anything, you just kinda run your mouth all day long and I can't fucking stand it. Like an unbuttered piece of toast thinking it's interesting..."
Just say, “I don’t feel passionate about this work and I want to look for something that I find more fulfilling.”
Tell them your shoes are getting old and you’re too lazy to buy new ones, and coming to work is just wearing them out more
The colour of the walls irritates me.
"I got an offer I couldn't refuse." and leave it at that! The offer might as well be just 'not having to deal with you guys anymore'.
You're kinda asking non German people how to deal with German people I'm not sure you'll get what you're looking for here
Just say personal reasons. Even if they're nosy and keep pushing, in that case they're clearly in the wrong to any sane person looking on, because it's normal to not want to share your deepest most personal problems with your coworkers.
"I'd rather not say". Repeat this single answer until they desist.
"well, with how things are going.."
"You'll find out soon enough"
"You know about mice and ships..?"
Refuse to elaborate further.
A bearded stranger told me to throw away a ring.
The water is too crunchy here.
They've changed the kale vendor at the bistro I frequent, it's now a much inferior product. Unfortunately the next closest establishment that serves my favorite lemon kale salad is too far away, so I have had to take employment elsewhere.
Just start crying everytime and say nothing. They will get unconfortable and leave.
They caught me pissing in the water jug from the kitchen. Shrug. Guess I'm out.
Say something like:
“It’s best not to discuss such details at this time”
Which will tell them, yes, there is a good reason, no, I can’t tell you since I don’t trust you.
You will never get in trouble for something like that since you literately are not saying anything.
The bonus part is that if the coworker is cool, they can just reach out to you a week or two after you left and you can be honest if you think they are worth it.
Since you are from Germany, simply say "Die Grünen sind Schuld". Everyone will understand and accept this reason.
I won the lottery.
My mental health can't handle this bullshit.
I had an opportunity I couldn't pass up.
I have to care for my father/mother/aunt/dog.
I want to travel and see the world.
I hate you.
I hate (insert random coworker/boss here.)
My wife/husband is taking care of me.
Onlyfans makes more than here.
Ha, tell each one that you hate a different one!
Say you make more money from your Only Fans. I just makes more sense to do it full time now.
"I found something better, but I'm not able to divulge what it is at this time. "
Or
"You! You're the reason I'm quitting."
"I won the lottery! No, you can't have any."
Or, Give each of them a different reason and watch them go crazy trying to figure it out.
My cat has asthma, we're moving to a drier climate.
It's the triple boring combo of pets, manageable illness, and moving.
Assuming they don't know what you'll be doing after?
Say "found a new opportunity."
You could be headed into unemployment and that'd still be a businesslike and no nonsense reply.
"oh damn, you guys didn't know? I feel bad for you but it's probably too late for you now. Guess you'll find out soon enough."
Then: complete radio silence.
Say you are working for a family member (helping your dad with his company or sth.). A colleague once had to go help his parents with their small company and no one questioned it a bit. No "better pay?" or "man you are moving far away!" just "oh, well good luck".
Go with the standard politician non-answer: "to spend more time with family". I have no idea if German politicians give the same stock response though!
"They were getting too close to figuring it out."
“New job pays X euros more” and make up random number. That’ll shut em up
Alternatively, and this has happened to me, they may offer to match the number. When a former boss did this it did get a bit awkward and I had to say "No, I honestly just don't like it here and tbe fact that you're offering me a 60% raise as I walk out the door after never giving reasonable CoL increases just cements that more." I fucking hate squeaky wheel driven compensation, it's stressful and makes employment unnecessarily adversarial (employment is an inherently adversarial activity in most of the world so you don't need to make it even worse).
I need a sabbatical. Canada maybe or New Zealand. A retreat to a monastery also sounds nice. I will rebuild an old farm house. Something along these lines. :)
It doesn't have to be the truth, or does it?
Put on a painfully sad face and say that you/someone in your family has medical issues and that you don't want to speak more about it.
Because HR and I do not agree on what constitutes sexual harassment, so I choose to take my talent elsewhere.
If you risk people yelling at you for stopping, simply tell them there's too much yelling and drama for you.
Also if you have paid sick leave you could simply get ill depending on where you are and on union agreements at least here where I am, the employer has no right to know why you are sick. Just that you are. After a certain number of days/weeks they can ask for a doctors notice that you indeed can't work. But still the proof does not need to explain your illness. It just needs to confirm that you are not able to work. Most doctors will understand the strain of having to be somewhere where youre under this sort of pressure
I found a good opportunity elsewhere.
My friend asked me to apply for a position they say has better career prospects.
America is hiring remote workers at better salaries.
Something unchangeable at this company reminds me of my dead dog and it's been killing me for years.