this post was submitted on 28 Jan 2025
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] Bojack411@lemmy.world 202 points 3 weeks ago (6 children)

Im sure his side of the story isn't warped to make himself seem like a saint and her a bitch. πŸ‘

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 140 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

It's /b, the whole thing is probably made up

[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 49 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

And it's actually not a wife but a husband.

[–] atro_city@fedia.io 46 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] jballs 16 points 3 weeks ago

Fake: Anon has a wife

Gay: Anon wears tight clothes

[–] Mac@mander.xyz 7 points 3 weeks ago

B- but... But what about the points???

[–] Doom@ttrpg.network 29 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I just got out of a relationship and holy fuck that shit is infuriating. Everyone's gotta side curious what happened here.

Also are you the horse from Bojack Horseman? I'm literally watching S1E6 right now.

[–] Buddahriffic@lemmy.world 8 points 3 weeks ago

What is this, a crossover episode?

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[–] McLoud@lemm.ee 153 points 3 weeks ago (5 children)

She was planning on having 5 km of cock run on her, now her plans are ruined.

[–] ImplyingImplications@lemmy.ca 122 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

This is almost exactly how I found out my ex-wife was cheating. She bought a ticket to a concert and then freaked out when I bought one too. Why wouldn't I want to go to a concert with my wife? She said it was just going to be a thing with her friends from work. When we arrived there was exactly one friend from work. A guy friend.

[–] Raiderkev@lemmy.world 47 points 3 weeks ago

Fr, she wasn't going to no 5k. She had other plans.

[–] superduperpirate@lemmy.world 35 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (3 children)

Because I’m procrastinating at work:

How many sessions of coitus might it take to accumulate 5 km of cock thrusts?

Estimates:

  • average erect length: 13 cm (from Perplexity.ai)
  • average number of thrusts in coitus: 300 (ibid)

Calculations

  • thrust distance per coitus session: 13 cm x 300 thrusts x 2 (accounting for insertion & removal) = 78 m
  • coitus sessions to accumulate 5 km of thrusts: 5 km / 78 m = 64.1 -> 64 sessions of coitus

So OP’s wife would have to fuck 64 times to accumulate 5 km of cock. Even with amazing refractory periods, that’s still a minimum of 32 guys running a train on her.

Edit: working through this reminded me of that episode of HBO’s Silicon Valley where they started talking about handjobs and hotswapping dicks and hit on middle out compression.

[–] discostjohn@programming.dev 25 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

My favorite part of sex is taking my average sized penis all the way out and putting it back in approximately 300 times

[–] CancerMancer 8 points 3 weeks ago
[–] LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Sir I think you are forgetting that you do not pull the pens completely out with every thrust unless you want to snap it off by accident. I think a 1.25 multiplier to your calculation is therefore necessary.

[–] superduperpirate@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago

That’s a fair assumption to make. So our totally real OPs wife now has to make 80 fucks at minimum instead of 64

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[–] TempermentalAnomaly@lemmy.world 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

He wanted that for both of them.

[–] Agent641@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

He signed both of them up for it. There was a confirmation email and everything.

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[–] OmegaCloud@lemmy.world 97 points 3 weeks ago

If true the wife probably wanted some alone time with her boyfriend and her husband ruined it.

[–] viscacha@feddit.org 92 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (7 children)

How do people marry each other when they canβ€˜t even communicate?

[–] LouNeko@lemmy.world 65 points 3 weeks ago

A: People who never experienced it fear loneliness more than they fear death.

B: People change over time, the person you married might not be the same person in 10 years.

[–] MNByChoice@midwest.social 32 points 3 weeks ago

Apparently, a lot.

It is weird interacting with those couples too. Sometimes they just play a role with their spouse and have to get away from them to be themselves.

They are as miserable as it sounds.

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[–] Aggravationstation@feddit.uk 89 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Why would OP's wife not just sign herself up if she was going to run? Or realise something was off when her partner told her that they'd done it for her. "Hello, I'd like to sign my wife up for this run. Oh no, I won't be participating myself." Feels kind of weird. But this a 4chan post so can't possibly be fake or gay.

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[–] Meissnerscorpsucle@lemmy.world 84 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

if it where true, it would be because she is planning to run with her boyfriend.

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[–] therealjcdenton@lemmy.zip 76 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

Should have married a guy instead of a woman

[–] mnemonicmonkeys 45 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

They already did and this post is fake af

[–] spankmonkey@lemmy.world 15 points 3 weeks ago

Odds are high that is it fake but it is absolutely based on a true story. Might have been a husband wanting to do a 5k or a canoe trip or something else instead of a wife, but I've known plenty of people who get pissy when their significant other wants to 'intrude' on their hobby.

[–] Rin@lemm.ee 9 points 3 weeks ago

The amount of times i wish i was gay is unreal.

[–] AI_toothbrush@lemmy.zip 63 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

This is 4chan so the story is prob missing that their in an active divorce or some shit πŸ’€

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[–] Reddfugee42@lemmy.world 52 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

🚩 RUN AWAY 🚩

[–] OmegaLemmy@discuss.online 35 points 3 weeks ago

They would be running but the wife doesn't want to!

[–] NastyNative@mander.xyz 24 points 3 weeks ago

Umm yeah very irregular behavior!

She can't run for shit, I'd bet. She wasn't running anywhere except to her side piece's house. Point was to be away, the excuse was the 5k.

[–] PieMePlenty@lemmy.world 7 points 3 weeks ago

Anon fucked up. Anon should have known not to sign themselves up. 100% anons fault.

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