this post was submitted on 30 May 2024
326 points (97.7% liked)

Not The Onion

12554 readers
1134 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 34 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 98 points 6 months ago (2 children)

I mean, that logic got Brock Allen Turner, the rapist who now goes by Allen Turner, off the hook. I guess it's worth a shot.

[–] [email protected] 70 points 6 months ago (1 children)

You mean Brock Turner the rapist who now goes by Allen Turner the rapist? That Brock Turner the rapist?

[–] [email protected] 40 points 6 months ago

Well HE doesn't go by Brock Turner the rapist. He certainly wishes we'd stop calling him Brock Turner the rapist. But we'll never stop calling him Brock Turner the rapist, because Brock Turner the rapist is a rapist.

If we had to stop calling him something, we'd stop calling him Brock Turner before we stopped calling him the rapist.

Because Brock Turner the rapist deserves to be remembered as a rapist, and nothing more

[–] [email protected] 21 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Derek Chauvin would also like a word.

[–] [email protected] 22 points 6 months ago

Yeah? Well George Floyd would like to breathe.

[–] [email protected] 84 points 6 months ago (2 children)

So going forward, I should keep my crimes under half an hour and it’s fine. Good to know.

[–] [email protected] 22 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Keep it under 27 minutes just to be on the safe side

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Is it total minutes or consecutive?

[–] QueriesQueried 2 points 6 months ago

Either, just to be safe.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I wouldn't go on a 30-minute crime spree yet, there might be a better deal soon.

Trump says he's going to be a one-day dictator if elected. If he gets his way and does not get punished afterwards, we have a strong legal precedent that everyone gets their personal Purge once in their lifetime.

[–] [email protected] 68 points 6 months ago (2 children)

"I only murdered for a minute, tops!"

[–] [email protected] 35 points 6 months ago (1 children)

"it would have been quicker too had the victim not resisted so much."

[–] [email protected] 14 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Thats why the cops yell at you to stop resisting after they shoot you.

(This joke got dark)

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago

Joke? I am pretty sure that is s.o.p.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago

"I only shot that guy for 0.6 seconds!"

[–] [email protected] 38 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Can you imagine that defence for other crimes

You’re honour my client should be released because he was only a bank robber for 2 minutes while in the bank. And as for being a conspirator he didn’t do much talking.

Your honour my client was only a “rapist” while attacking Miss Sonso and that only lasted 5 minutes. Prior to that he was merely a pedestrian as he followed her. An innocent citizen

[–] [email protected] 18 points 6 months ago

Unfortunately that defense did seem to work out fine for rapist Brock Allen Turner.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 6 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 8 points 6 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago

NO TOUCHING!

[–] [email protected] 32 points 6 months ago

So, that's a guilty plea?

[–] [email protected] 29 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Only a little light treason.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago

With a sliver of sedition

[–] [email protected] 28 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

You’re going to have to make gif noises and pretend.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

How do you pronounce gif noises?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

It's pronounced the same way it's written

[–] [email protected] 27 points 6 months ago

Well if he only committed treason for 26 minutes, how about 25 minutes in front of a firing squad?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 months ago

Crimes are billed by the hour.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 6 months ago

26 is all it required for him to set things in motion.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 6 months ago

Well that's all right then!

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago

"Your honor, my client only raped her for 3 minutes."

"Your honor, my client was only murdering him for 4 minutes."

"Your honor, my client was only driving under the influence for 10 minutes."

"Your honor, my client only robbed the bank of $4000."

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago (1 children)

That's an eternity for an android

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago

Donny would need little makeup to be a fantastic Borg Queen.