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Once a therapist told me that a lot of the time anger is a secondary emotion; that is, it’s an emotion that comes out of another emotion.
So you don’t necessarily get angry out of nothing, but you get angry because you’re scared, or disappointed, or you feel wronged, or something else.
So their recommendation was to identify the emotion that’s making you angry, and express/rationalize that instead.
I get angry because of frustration about things beyond my control that impact me negatively and can't simply be ignored. Knowing that extra step is great and all, but doesn't reduce the frustration or the anger. I'm sure that identifying the difference is helpful to some people who can ignore or address the actual cause of their anger.
Note: I don't get angry about frustrating things that I can do something about, or can be ignored.
As a teen, I would consciously turn hurt into hate to avoid it. I was emotionally aware enough to know that I was running from it, but not emotionally aware enough to confront it. Therapy works, folks.
Heavy metal. Literally. Singing, listening, playing, headbanging to heavy metal. Just like listening to sad music helps with sadness because it provides a safe outlet for emotion. So does engaging with angry music. Some of the mildest, most accepting and emotionally well adjusted people I've met were metal heads. And they were social activists as well.
I combine two of the suggestions in this post.
I blow off steam by simultaneously listening to, and lifting, heavy metal.
https://www.uq.edu.au/news/article/2015/06/head-banging-tunes-can-have-same-effect-warm-hug
There have been a few similar studies that support this. Largely that it has a catharsis effect to let someone else be angry for you.
Listening to sad music can cause a spiral. Absolutely do not recommend unless you've specifically setup a playlist to transition emotionally and at least looked up how to do so in a healthy manner. (Like don't go from sad songs to rage metal.)
I've never found a better song for this than Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine.
Exercise and processing emotion without letting yourself explode from it. Then, assess how you felt and determine how to avoid the situation in the future. If possible, talk to the person or people who you would like to build a better, healthier relationship with. Or, leave that portion of your life if possible, if it is truly toxic.
Kill pixels and destroy the pixelated worlds of video games and then create a paradise in it.
What, and let those video games turn me into a serial killer?
I’m convinced that there is around 50% of the general adult population that has zero emotional intelligence and lives in a state of emotional ping pong. Just raw emotional energy that is entirely at the whim of whatever happens to be in their line of sight.
What works for me :
I remove myself from the situation that caused the anger.
I let myself live the anger for a minute or two, or a bit more if needed.
When the anger is gone, I identify what emotion is the cause of anger. Anger is 99% a reaction to a negative emotion.
I say outloud to myself the reason of my anger. Otherwise, I feel like the anger is pent-up.
If my anger was directed at someone, I apologize and explain why I was angry.
Finally, I reflect on the situation and the emotions I experienced. Sometimes it's 30 seconds, sometimes it's a few days, depending on the gravity of the situation. By understanding what caused the negative emotions, I can handle it better in the future.
This is a nice way to look at anger. Kind of similar to something my therapist said a long time ago. #3 specifically is a huge one.
Swearing. This is the purpose of bad words.
This is a question that should be asked and learned in school. Maybe then we wouldn't have so many broken people.
Ever notice how no schools have any emotional intelligence lessons whatsoever?
It's all focused on learning shit for work. Not much for handling life issues, that happens to everyone, all the time.
Ever notice how no schools have any emotional intelligence lessons whatsoever?
I don't remember it being a thing when I was a kid but both my kids have had classes that teach these things.
I also remember I was having issues with a kid in school and the school counselor sat us down and talked to us about anger and emotions, etc. I think we had a short daily session for a few weeks. This was in the 90s.
The American education is state funded daycare with forced learning about dry topics, so we don't even remember 90% of what we learned. People talk about wishing they learned about taxes and resumes etc in school. Those were Freshman and Sophomore level electives for us in a small town in the early 00s.
Conversation with the person you're angry at if they're available and willing to engage in good faith.
Otherwise you're going to need an outlet like music, crying, video games, crying, outdoor meditation, crying, throwing a half full plastic water bottle at a metal dumpster until your worn out, crying, getting active in politics, or ... Crying.
Seriously we get told we're not allowed to cry and that's bullshit. We have a built in stress response system. Go have a good cry and then think about long term solutions to whatever is making you angry. Someone is ignoring you? Disassociate from them. (Not from yourself, that way lies much therapy) Someone is violating your rights? Call the government. It's the government doing it? Vote and protest.
Dealing with anger is always a multi step thing. The worst thing you can do is meditate and then nothing else. All you've done is escaped the moment. It will come back.
Punk rock karaoke
And mosh pits
Using it to fuel the motivation to change things. Get mad that you tripped over a cable? Time to finally do something about cable management. Is your boss or your job making you furious? Take the time to explore new opportunities. Pissed at how politics are going? Find out who represents your district and write them an email about the topic and make your voice heard. Anger can be a good thing when it makes someone get off their butt and make a change for the better.
Beating your partner. No, wait… Shooting up a bunch of strangers. No, that's still not right.
Fuck, living in America has deprived me of the ability to answer this question correctly. (this is satire. see my other comment.)
Mutual aid. Helping people directly defuses a lot.
Weightlifting. Squatting is like screaming into a pillow but with gainz.
Get some time and space to yourself, 10 to 30 minutes, depending on the complexity of the situation. Think about exactly who/what you are angry with, and why (including yourself*). Don't worry about solving it, just get it front and center in your mind. Pile up a huge number of couch cushions. Beat the ever livin' fuck out of them with your fists and feet until you break down or wear yourself out. Repeat as necessary.
*Note: One of the reasons some emotional things never die is because we try to solve them without including ourselves in the equation: we see forgiveness is needed but we don't include ourselves, for example, or guilt needs addressing but we don't want to measure our own part in it because someone else's betrayal was so overwhelming that it's almost unbearable to think of the self as participatory in that destruction. Yet those are examples of exactly the kind of inner situation that keep us stuck in unhealthy emotional patterns. If you really want to get out of an emotional trap, including anger that doesn't quit, and you think you've tried everything, try specifically looking for exactly what you don't want to see about your own part in it.
Music
I've gotten some of my best house cleaning done while angry.
Ok some examples that makes me angry:
People being mean to animals
People who don't care about others (plays loud music, talks loudly on phone in public places etc).
People who treat others badly because they look good and think they are better because of it
I think the right response to this is to get angry. Not saying its helping, but getting angry at someone is perfectly fine sometimes.
Maybe the problem is that we don't show anger, so the idiots mentioned above never gets to suffer for their actions.
Shouting and cursing at my computer. It definitely helps with debugging, too.
See a therapist
Invest in a manual typewriter and cathartically type out ranty letters by pressing each key as hard as possible.
"I feel angry because (X)."
Where X = the reason you are angry.
Edit: I should point out that if the reason you are angry is a racist, sexist, or otherwise unreasonable reason, that's on you. If this offends you, maybe consider not being shitty?
Calm down.
[anger intensifies]
Kicking a football, you can hit it as hard as you can at the goal and it's more acceptable than at a person directly.
Metalworking? Pounding a piece of steel with a hammer for an hour or two sounds like a great way to blow off some steam
Scream into a pillow.
Argue with yourself from the other perspective.
Think "Fuck you! I'm going to make the world a better place!" And then actually do something constructive with all the energy your anger gave you.
I'd have to agree that anger isn't usually it's own emotion, it's a specific expression of fear or sadness. There are always exceptions I think, but usually there's more to it.
My favorite thing is to express those things through humor. It's not for everybody. If you're not funny enough you can just sound like an idiot or an asshole, as I can. Other times it enables you to attack the root of the problem in a digestible way that doesn't make a person feel attacked.
Playing competitive video games (might not be healthy for everybody)
I had to stop playing DotA...
Have you considered playing the drums?
Talking to the people involved in a calm and rational way works for most human interactions.
Exercise is a good way to work out the things that don't yield to logic.
Self appraisal and making positive changes in your life and/or environment is another way.
I spent years thinking I hated work, then I found a job where I used my natural talents and fit in.
Punching a punching bag, or a pillow.