The Onion and other satire w/ layers

A local man is yet to encounter a brand new innovation in the world of AI that has been able to get even close to impressing him as much as those ‘Sipahh Straws’ did when they first came out.

“Yeah yeah a self-learning semi conscious piece of technology is cool and all, but those Sipahh Straws literally turned water to wine… well, milk to strawberry milk, which is pretty similar” explained Hank Merchant (32).

Despite being bombarded with breakthroughs in generative art, neural networks and real-time voice translation, Hank remains unconvinced.

“I mean, ChatGPT can write a screenplay in 30 seconds, but can it make a boring cup of milk taste like a banana milkshake?” he asked rhetorically. [...]

Across Bluesky, X – the Everything App, Facebook, and Instagram, the usual profile pictures of the LGBTQ+ community are changing to drab and dreary corporate logos. The change was made at exactly 12:00am on June 1st and is expected to revert at 11:59pm on June 30th.

One user, Nando Vidal, said the change was in honor of Pride Month.

“We at Nando Vidal Incorporated recognize the past contributions of corporate America to the queer community and wish to celebrate them,” Vidal said in an image posted to their profiles signed with a block letter ‘V’. “We want the CEOs, CFOs, and other members of the C-suite community to know they matter.” [...]

MAMA MIA! Italian parliament is currently discussing the best plan of attack in response to Australia’s most recent desecration of the Pizza, the Domino’s Meat Pie Crust — many are calling for sanctions and boycotts of all Australian goods.

“We looked past the cheesy crust, we looked past the limited edition ninja turtle pizza with nameless bright green sauce on it, we even ignored “The Cheese Volcano”, but this….. this must stop” declared the Italian minister for culture Alessandro Giuli.

“We cannot allow the Commonwealth Of Australia to time and time again, completely humiliate a desecrate one of our proudest cultural exports!”

(the meat pie crust is real: https://newsroom.dominos.com.au/media/2025/5/19/dominos-teams-up-with-fourn-twenty-to-unleash-the-meat-pie-crust-in-time-for-footy-season )

Donald Trump says he has “a zero tolerance policy for violence aimed at law enforcement officers trying to do their jobs” unless it is to overthrow a democratically-elected Government after an election he lost.

Trump said anyone who attempted to break public property would face the full force of the law, or be pardoned, depending on whether it helped him get elected or not. “These criminals will be arrested and swiftly brought to justice, or lauded as heroes, depending on who you’re talking about,” a White House statement said. [...]

Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released a video Tuesday in which Gov. Gavin Newsom is seen being beheaded. “This is a message to the enemies of immigration enforcement: Gov. Newsom’s fate will be yours should you stand in the way of national purity,” an anonymous plainclothes ICE agent wearing a balaclava says as he holds a bound Newsom by his slicked-back hair and prompts him to recite a coerced statement about “paying for the sins of the American left and its insistence on universal human dignity.” [...]

A member of the Los Angeles Police Department has announced a major career change, saying they have been drafted into the IDF. This comes after the cop was seen on camera shooting Australian journalist Lauren Tomasi.

“They’re a natural,” said a representative for the IDF, “they’ll fit right in, as long as they stop using those rubber bullets.”

“Obviously they need some training for the unique challenges we face. We need to see how they react to humanitarian workers, doctors, kids, Greta Thunberg… I mean terrorists. Terrorists.” [...]

As National Guard troops took to the streets ready to open fire on U.S. citizens in the name of “Making America Great Again”, President Trump reminded all Americans that he only stands against starting wars on foreign soil.

“During my decade of non-stop campaigning,” bellowed Trump at a camera in the Oval Office, “I have made it clear that I think all wars on foreign soil are stupid, even the ones I am on record as having previously supported – especially the one where I had to fake a condition so they couldn’t draft me.”

Trump turned to another waiting camera, “As everybody knows, only suckers and losers – also known as ‘the poors’ – are dumb enough to be soldiers. Sad.”

The U.S. Commander in Chief continued, as his subordinates were instructed to weep openly in admiration, “But I never said anything about not starting a war in America. The only reason anyone thinks Lincoln was a great president is because he was in charge during a civil war, and since everyone knows I am the greatest president ever, we need another one, NOW.”

Trump then pointed to a large monitor where the words “Project 2025 Military Coup” had been crossed out, and “Operation: Big Beautiful Bullets” had been written in sharpie. [...]

Q: Is J.K. Rowling involved?

A: The author will serve as Executive Producer and Chief Goodwill Destroyer.

Stressing that the billionaire’s completely erratic behavior had strained the already fraught relationships, sources confirmed Thursday that a rift was widening between Elon Musk and anyone who had ever met him. “Elon’s megalomania and tendency to lash out indiscriminately seem to have soured things with every person he’s encountered in his entire life,” said an anonymous source close to the embattled tech mogul, adding that Musk’s staunch refusal to engage in self-reflection or address his many off-putting personal tics had so far estranged him from the White House, his business partners, his neighbors, the mothers of his children, the children themselves, interviewers, investors, restaurant waitstaff, and all others who had directly interacted with him in any manner for any length of time. [...]

After an intensely violent hockey match, the Florida Panthers have formed a line to shake hands and assure their opponents, the Carolina Hurricanes, that they feel no resentment after hours spent roughhousing, fighting, and bashing each other’s heads into the sideboards.

Though many doctors suggest seeking immediate medical attention after far more minor head injuries than those sustained during a game, hockey experts are just happy to see the players are being such good sports.

“They really gave it their all tonight,” Panthers head coach Paul Maurcie said about his players as they struggled to grab their opponents hands. “You love to see it.”

Fans have been disappointed by the lack of injuries in recent games, complaining that if the players can remember their names by the end of the match, are they really even trying? [...]

Reconsidering his recent departure from Washington as the words ‘YOU DIED’ appeared once more on his screen, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly weighed a return to politics Monday after his 60th death on the tutorial level of Elden Ring Nightreign. “Seems like these enemies are glitched to be unkillable—maybe I should stop back by the DOGE offices until the devs roll out a patch to fix these hitboxes,” Musk said as he waited to respawn for another attempt, with eyewitnesses reporting that he had died against a weak, sluggish enemy intended only to teach him the basics of lock-on targeting. [...]

In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk was away in Washington, D.C., employees at Tesla reportedly scrambled Thursday to make the office look like they’d been sleeping there. “Elon’s going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty clothes next to the bathroom sink to make it seem like we’ve been showering here,” said Tesla engineer Todd Costello, who appeared panicked as he scarfed down pizza and threw the crusts all over his coworkers’ desks, explaining that his boss would be furious if he found out the staff had experienced even a semblance of work-life balance over the past few months. [...]

Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he shared his own experiences as a victim of white genocide. “I’ve kept quiet about my past out of a fear that I could still be persecuted, but I too know what it’s like to live under a Black president who wants to see your entire race destroyed,” said Trump, adding that he had narrowly survived the attempt to eradicate white people and their culture by hiding for months in his 126-room Palm Beach resort. [...]