Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Odd-Cupcake938 on 2024-01-24 10:39:49+00:00.

TL;DR Should I feel empowered to say no to this, or is this irrational?

For context, my girlfriends last (and only) relationship lasted 1.5 years. They had a normal relationship whereby they were in love and had lots of good times. However, he treated her poorly in hindsight and was quite manipulative and toxic, especially towards the end (all her words).

They had been no contact for nearly 2 years and out of the blue she received a message from him recently asking to go for a coffee.

For further context, my girlfriend and I have been together nearly 8 months and the relationship is strong and healthy.

She handled the text the right way. She didn’t open it straight away but instead talked to her family and friends before talking to me about it a few days later. She gave me the option to say no to the coffee but mentioned that she wanted to do it from a curiosity perspective.

Whilst I’d prefer she not go, and that the situation wasn’t happening at all, I do understand the curiosity perspective as I might want to go if it was me in her shoes. However, I also know that nothing good can really come from this and that ultimately, I don’t want them to meet.

My question is, should I feel empowered to say no, or is it worth letting them meet and trusting that it won’t cause any negative consequences.

Assuming her ex is as manipulative and toxic as she describes, I find it unlikely that it is an innocent coffee with no ulterior motives, but I do trust my girlfriend. I just wouldn’t want the ex to think he could potentially damage my relationship and have my girlfriend come crawling back after just one message.

Does anyone have any advice from similar experiences they could share?

Thank you in advance!

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAWall2950 on 2024-01-24 10:39:10+00:00.

So I've(26m) been with my girlfriend (25f) for little more than a year. Things are going good. I have a childhood friend Zoe (26f). She used to live close by as a kid and her family situation was horrible. Abusive mom, absent dad, so often, she used to sleep over at our house, just me and my mom, so we're all very close.

Once back when we were 19, Zoe and I slept together once. It was all really awkward after that for a whole week then we both decided to talk it out and agreed that it was a horrible idea, we should just stay friends. That's all what happened between us during all these years. No romantic feelings, no jealousy, from either side.

My girlfriend met all my friends around 3 months into our relationship. She just thought they were all really outgoing and immature because apparently hiking and camping and partying are for teens. That was the only issue she's had and they all get along well. Before they met, I thought I should probably give her a heads up about Zoe, incase she'd uncomfortable with it. I know people aren't ok with their partner being friends with exes but I told her to let me know if this is gonna be a problem because I don't want her to be uncomfortable in her relationship but I also can't cut off my friend. She said it's ok. They met, she was kind of distant with Zoe but I get it. After that, we had no issues with this. Zoe and my girl weren't best friends but they got along well.

Now something about my friend is that she has suffered from eating disorder for so long. Back when we were 19, she was underweight, after that she started gaining a lot of weight. Her eating habits got really bad. She used to starve herself, used to be sick very frequently. She also had her studies to focus on so it was really bad. Couldn't afford therapy back then but she's seeing a therapist for the past year. She's also joined gym and the difference is really noticeable now. She came back yesterday from a morning jog and everyone was complimenting her about how she looks great now. I jokingly said "maybe you should go see Ryan now" (Ryan was an ex who left because she didn't fit his 'type') and we all laughed.

Then I got home and my gf started saying how it's so wrong that I'm still friends with Zoe and I need to stop. I was honestly surprised and had no idea where this was coming from. I asked her how is this weird. She says no guy in a relationship should be friends with an ex or a ons. I said I told you about her before we got serious and you were ok with it. She said she agreed back then because she thought over the time I'd come to realise it on my own that it's wrong. I told her no, I was very clear from the start on this topic. She then went off track and said now that she's lost weight she was trying to show off in front of the guys. That's so bs. She was wearing a top and leggings and the guys have seen her at her worst. She doesn't need to look good in front of them?? She then stared getting loud and saying why am I defending Zoe. I said I didn't, I'm just trying to remind her that she said she was ok with it and she's had no problem in the past year.

She claims now that she's fit, she'd want to come after me. This is all beginning to sound so cliche to me. As if Zoe only worked on herself for other guys?? She left after calling me a jerk. In the morning , Zoe sent me a screenshot where ny girlfriend had sent her a text saying " You need to start covering up more in front of my boyfriend". I apologized to Zoe and told her not to text back Me and my gf haven't talked after last night. What am I supposed to do here? I do love her but her thought process about this is so wrong. I get that being around your partner's ex is wrong but this was so long ago, she told me she was ok with it, she only has a problem now that she thinks Zoe looks good ?? Any advice? Thanks.

Tldr: Girlfriend now thinks i shouldn't be friends with a one night stand but she knew about her and said she was ok with the friendship.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/SpareNo4053 on 2024-01-24 09:50:05+00:00.

TL;DR - My boyfriend has a habit of tuning me out and not listening to me when I am talking to him, or showing him things. Last night he told me he tunes me out because all I do is talk about the same things and repeat myself. Unsure where to go from here, or if this is a salvageable situation.

Hello, sorry in advance if this gets long I don't really have any way to vent or anyone to talk about things like this with, so I will try to keep it to the point.

My (29F) boyfriend (27M) have been together for 4 years. We live together and have pets together. Over the last year and a half especially I have noticed more often than not he will just tune me out entirely when I am talking to him about something, or if I am trying to show him something.

I will often text him throughout the day whilst we're both at work - Not constant, just little messages if I've thought of something important we need to sort out, or if I see a funny video/picture I think he'll like. He used to reply and acknowledge the things I'd send him and he seemed like he'd enjoy these interactions as he would do the same back, however in the last year or so he's essentially just stopped replying entirely to any of these messages. When he gets home I'll ask him if he's seen them as sometimes it will be something important I need his input on, he'll usually say yes he did and leave it at that, or no and then won't even open them. I know he has access to his phone during the day and has the option to read/reply if he wanted to, because he'll tell/show me things his friends or his sister messaged him about during the day sometimes.

Outside of this even when we are having a face to face conversation he'll pretty much tune me out and sit watching videos on his phone, or messaging his friends whilst I'm talking and just ignore me entirely. Occasionally I've had to then nudge him and ask if he's heard me, he'll say yes then basically repeat a TL;DR back at me, but still not respond to anything I've said. It's becoming increasingly hard to feel like I can have a conversation with him at this point, I feel like I am always just talking to myself 90% of the time. I know he's capable of listening if he chooses to, as if we're sat with our group of friends he'll be absolutely hanging on their every word and fully engaged in any conversation with them. I found it a bit ironic the other day that he came to me asking if it feels like he gets ignored by one of his friends sometimes when talking, as his friend was doing something and my boyfriend tried to get his attention and got no response, so again I believe he is aware that ignoring someone like this is hurtful as he has experienced it himself and can see when it is happening.

Last night I was talking to him about the cats - We've recently changed their food, so I was updating him as he generally does not involve himself in their day-to-day routine, will come home and play with them for a bit, then leave them to me for the rest of the evening. Again, he wasn't listening so I asked him if he heard me and he repeated back to me something along the lines of "Yeah they're enjoying their food I heard you" and then followed up with getting snippy and saying he's sorry he doesn't always respond but he is listening, it's not his fault that all I do is talk about the same things and repeat myself, so he doesn't bother to reply because he doesn't feel it is necessary when he's heard it all before, and that all I do when I talk is talk about the cats or the house.

I will admit I do have a habit of repeating things, this usually happens when I'm a bit anxious about something, or if something big is coming up/needs to be arranged. I find that repeating things out loud to someone tends to give me some comfort and eases my anxiety about said issue. For example - One of our cats had minor surgery recently, I was VERY worried about the recovery period as I know cats can be a bit difficult to stop from climbing and running about. So this was something I would talk about frequently with him, he got sick of it after a day or two and just said it's going to be fine, stop talking about it so much and left it at that.

I've also said to him I'll often repeat things as I don't always trust that he's actually listened to it the first time as he doesn't usually respond to me to acknowledge it, there have been multiple times where I have told him about something that's coming up, then he will then ask me about literally a few hours later acting like he knows nothing about it and I have to repeat all the info again to make sure he's on the right page.

Honestly this morning I woke up and just shut myself away, I feel like I cannot say anything to him at this point because I'm now so anxious that I'm just going to be repeating something again, or just talking to myself once again. I sat and had a little cry this morning before work and I just feel a bit lost on what to do, or if this is even a salvageable situation.

Extra info - I have spoken to him about him tuning me out when I talk to him before, usually things get better for a little while, then we slip back into the same routine straight after.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/AdAggressive5910 on 2024-01-24 08:57:58+00:00.

Tldr: want to end 5 year relationship, I've been crying before ive even told her, not sure if making the right choice

We've been dating for over 5 years and in many ways we're perfect for each other. We can spend loads of time together and I don't feel like I'm wasting my social battery, I forget she's another person sometimes. We don't argue often.

The two main reasons I want to end things is: sexual incompatibility and I don't want to get a place with her.

We have sex once every 3 weeks. She has a lower sex drive whereas mine is much higher. We've spoken about it before but nothing changes. If I don't initiate we'll basically have sex once a month. I'm so used to it about to happen then she says later and we don't do anything later. For 4 years I've also had a strong desire to sleep with other girls but I've never acted on it. This is another reason I'm ending it but I won't tell her this as I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have to.

We've basically lived together since 2 months into the relationship, except for about 10 months in 2021-22 where I lived in a city an hour away, we saw one another every fortnight. We've been living with her parents for the last year. I don't get on much with her mum, I can't stand her mum. She isn't a horrible person, but she's incredibly suffocating and a people pleaser. I told her one time to not wash my clothes as I want to wash my own clothes. The following day she washed some of my clothes, I said why, she had a meltdown and raised her voice at me saying I won't do anything for anyone. Ever since then I said to myself okay the gloves are off if she's gonna raise her voice at me. Following that we've had two arguments over the course of around 6ish months. I speak to her very little. She's always irritated me, but I reasoned 'Ive never put down a boundary with her since it's her house', but as I was living there and paying rent, I put boundaries down and she just disrespected them. I've waffled here - basically I dislike her mum. I'm also stuck with two cats that I rescued, because I knew the owners who dumped them at a factory. I spent a week physically searching for them, ended up finding both of them. I was only considering keeping one, my gf insisted on keeping the two. They meow excessively an hour before getting breakfast, lunch and dinner. They go outside for some of the day, but as her parents have a cat they mainly stay in our room and hallway section of the house, whilst her parents cat roams most of the house. I've wanted to rehome the 2 cats since January 2023 but my gf doesn't want to.

We'll probably be moving out and renting our own place in the summer but for some reason I really don't like the idea of that. I want to live on my own. I don't like the finality of that. Maybe it's because I haven't lived on my own since I was 19. I don't know if it's fear of commitment bc I've been in a 5 year committed relationship.

I've cried a few times in the last few days knowing the pain I'm going to put her through. The last time I cried was Feb 2019 when my great granny died. I'm usually quite stoic emotionally. She's going to want to try and fix things but you can't fix being sexually incompatible. The fact I've been crying makes me question if I'm making the right decision.

Another thing is there was a girl at work who I liked and I had gotten a strong sign she was potentially interested. I escalated things and basically got rejected. But I know for a fact if she had reciprocated interest, I would have pursed things. This for me is the nail in the coffin. That's not someone who's committed to one person. I know that's a shitty thing to have done. I have a strong feeling if I stay with my gf I will at some point cheat, so I would rather end things than do that to her. But I feel really sad at the prospect of never seeing her again and of absolutely destroying her

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThowRAsad on 2024-01-24 08:17:18+00:00.

She literally can't function without a lot of additional support from me and her father. She has a few diagnosed chronic conditions but they are the "mild" form and aren't 'bad enough' for disability plus she can hold down a job but has to quit after a max of 5 years because she will get nervous break downs. She has extreme sleepiness from her illnesses. I've seen her starve herself for days because she can't get out of bed.

She has periods of normal energy and function but those are few.

If she wants to have a social life (going out) she has to make a day of it and needs time to recover after.

She can't do anything for herself chore wise when she works because of how badly she "crashes" (that's what she calls it what happens is that she is often so tired chores make her sleep longer).

We left for three months and she fell apart and nearly got fired. She had crying fits in the morning because of how hard it was for her to get the basics done.

We do blame ourselves because we were not present when she needed us as a child and we both know we didn't do enough to teach her life skills but we are lost at what to do at this point.

Tldr; Our daughter needs support but we're getting old.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/chonkyazn on 2024-01-24 07:48:33+00:00.

We have been together for five years. He is very loving and caring, but there is a long history of him lying in our relationship. Sometimes he will flat-out lie to the point where he’s gaslighting, or sometimes he will hide and withhold information out of fear or aversion to conflict. He doesn’t do these with malicious intent rather I think it’s a learned coping behaviour for him. Some of his lies, I have accepted with understanding, but there are others that still bother me which I won’t disclose in detail but they often revolve around his ex, this attached girl he has had a sexual thing with throughout our relationship, and his attraction to me. We had a big moment last year where all the lies came to head, and we have both been trying to make meaningful changes — him being more consistent and willing to talk to me about the harder things in our relationship (i.e., not reacting with anger), and I have been trying to be reassuring on my end and regulate my emotions more when I am upset. This has gone well in some instances and very badly in others because of how upset I get when I can sense him withholding or deflecting. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I am still very guarded and feel he is not being transparent about his feelings towards our relationship, being monogamous, and his sexual attraction to me. I think he much prefers this other girl. Is there anything I can do to get him to be more comfortable about expressing any dissatisfaction in our relationship so we could try to work on it? What are some ways I can create a safe environment for him to be open about his mistakes, perceived or real? I would also really be grateful if I could get some advice on how to deal with relationship anxiety. I know that rebuilding trust takes two people and I know I haven’t exactly made it easy for him but I am working on recognising that there are things I just simply can’t control. Sometimes my anxiety gets to the point where I do things that are unhelpful like looking at the other girl’s social media for some sort of reassurance she’s out and not sending my guy pics but this makes things inevitably worse because I always manage to see signs that they are continuing their thing (like sharing the same kinds of posts and memes).

Tl;dr our relationship has previously broken down due to communication issues — what can I do to prevent this from happening again? And what are some ways I can encourage him to make positive changes?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/1dhorsegirl26 on 2024-01-24 02:18:45+00:00.

Tl;dr my roommate (both 26f) moved into our apartment 3 weeks before I could. She decorated it with all Harry Potter and Kpop stuff and doesn’t want to make room for my decorations. She also feeds her cat in the kitchen counter and it smells bad and it grosses me out because her cat uses a litter box. Lastly, she wasn’t approved for a payment plan to get a paralegal certification. She said “I’ll just have you pay for it and I’ll pay you back.” I am not going to give her money. I feel like she is trying to walk all over me. How soon is too soon to ask her to work with me on decorating and to feed her cat in the bathroom? I’ve only been here 4 days so should I wait a few weeks?

I (26f) moved in with a childhood friend (26f) that I reconnected with last year. We were both living in our hometowns again but decided to move to a larger city a few hours away. She moved in 3 weeks before I did because she works remote and we signed the lease while I was still interviewing. I moved in over the weekend. I feel like she’s trying to walk all over me. I am trying to not be such a people pleaser and doormat but I don’t know how to approach it. While my roommate is mostly chill, I know she can be difficult sometimes and I’m not sure if she is a compromiser.

She already decorated a lot of the common area, which I understand, I wouldn’t want to live in an empty apartment for weeks. However, she doesn’t seem to want any of my decorations to go up. She is a big Harry Potter and Kpop fan and wants to entire apartment to be HP and kpop themed.

The apartment has beautiful built in shelves and a fireplace mantle. She took up all the shelves with her books, most of which are the same series in different jackets. When I brought my books out and asked if I could move some of hers she said I could have 1 shelf out of 5. She also decorated the mantle with Harry Potter memorabilia, including the book series, dvds, and figurines. The tv stand is also filled with HP books, HP funkopops, and kpop books and albums.

My roommate also has a cat. So far she doesn’t seem too messy and I really like cats. However her cat eats on the kitchen counter. I got a bit queasy cooking dinner because she fed her cat wet food and it smelled up the very small kitchen. I am also grossed out with having a cat on the kitchen counter since she uses a litter box.

The last thing, my roommate is going to get her paralegal certificate soon and is looking at the class. She doesn’t make very much now and can make a lot more as a paralegal. However she has such high student loan debt from grad school that she wasn’t approved for a payment plan. The certification costs $2000 and her parents won’t help her pay for it. We were talking about it last night and she said point blank “I’ll just have you pay it and I’ll pay you back each month.” I didn’t say anything because I was so shocked.

My roommate knows I have some money in savings, but it’s only about $4000 because I just had an expensive car repair and I paid off a credit card in full. She also knows I make about $10k more than her a year, but it’s not a lot and after living expenses, savings deposit, and my car and student loan payments. I also don’t want to lend money to a friend and I hope that isn’t selfish to say.

I want to ask my roommate to feed her cat in the bathroom or at least the laundry room. I also want to put some of my decorations up and find ways to decorate that compliments both our styles. It kind of feels like I am just living in someone else’s house.

I have only lived here for 4 days so I don’t know if it’s too soon to start asking her to do this stuff. I figured I’d give her another week or 2 and then ask her to make some changes and work with me so it feels like both our house. Is it too soon to ask to make these changes?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/yahtzee301 on 2024-01-24 08:00:48+00:00.

I (21F) have a close friend (20F) who I feel very comfortable around, and when we're alone, we often have intimate moments, like cuddling and kissing. I don't have romantic feelings for this person, and they've made it clear that they don't have romantic feelings for me. I was thinking about how comfortable and validated this arrangement makes me feel, and I came around to recognizing that I would do the same thing to any friend I've had. I was just wondering if anyone else had experiences with this and could further explain the thought behind it, especially if it's a known phenomenon

TL;DR: I'm not uncomfortable with being physically intimate with a close friend even though there's no romantic feelings, and I wanted to know if that's normal

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Aggravating_Story278 on 2024-01-24 07:54:10+00:00.

Throwaway account. My partner (33M) and I (34F) are 8 months together. We were out for dinner and our talk bumped on the topic height. We are both quite short people (he is 175cm and I am 162cm) and we were talking about the psychological effects of it in the work environment. He then proceeded to say he wish he was taller not because of dating, but because of other reasons. He immediately then proceeded to tell me about a research in which they concluded that between very attractive short men and not attractive tall men, women would most of times pick the tall men (I don't know the source). It was a silly topic, but that didn't sit right with me because he initially said that the issue didn't matter for dating. This was not the first time he showed bitterness about the dating scene cause of his height though. I then got curious and seeing he seems to have a bitter feeling about it, I asked him if he would be with me if he was taller. He said he didn't know. I felt quite hurt about it, because I feel like he just settled for me because he cannot get anything better or anyone taller (he already told in other occasions he would never date a woman taller than him). So seems like I am a placeholder. After all, if he was taller he probably wouldn't be with me.

So I am asking for your input. I feel really like I am not his first choice and don't know if I should end things based on this. When I told him that after what he said I understand he probably wouldn't be with me then, he kinda snapped saying he cannot have any type of conversation with me without me creating a problem.

We both have communication problems so I don't know how to bring this up again and if I should bring this up again. What should I do? Is this a deal breaker?

TLDR: I asked my boyfriend if he would be with me if he was taller, and he said he didn't know. Felt hurt and don't know how to react to not being his first choice.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Professional-Cat5815 on 2024-01-24 07:32:47+00:00.

The context: I’ve been with my boyfriend for just under a year now. Things were going really well for a while, and about 5 months into our relationship, he asked me to move in with him. At the time, he was working a full time and a part time job to pay the bills. I’ve always made less than him, so he insisted I only pay about 1/3 of the bills - the amount his part-time job would contribute - and he would leave his part time job to be able to spend some more time with me.

Unfortunately, about a month in to living with him, I had a medical emergency and was unable to continue working retail. It was just too hard on my body. He was able to work some overtime and make up what I was unable to contribute, and over all he was incredibly kind and understanding with me. About a month later, I was able to start a wfh job that paid a little less, but that I was able to work consistent hours at. I am still at that job now.

Just under 2 months after I started my wfh job, he had a series of mental and physical health problems and was unable to continue his full time job. I told him I had his back and that I would pick up extra hours wherever I could to try and cover our expenses until he could get another job.

Well, he did! First was a seasonal job at a shipping company. He said he really enjoyed it, but was unable to continue doing it due to physical problems. I said that’s ok, I won’t have enough money to cover our expenses, but my parents are incredibly generous and with the help of my grandparents, they were able to gift us $400 toward our rent. So groceries were a little tight last month, but at least the bills were paid. I also ended up helping him with his phone bill and personal loan payments so that he’d have service and his credit wouldn’t take a hit. I was trying really hard to be positive, though being the breadwinner on my little income was taking a big toll on me.

Then, he got another job at a retail store. Not great pay, but it was full time and he had decent shift hours. He worked there for about half a month when he applied for and got this newest job. It’s at a different shipping company in a different department than his seasonal position.

The current issue:

He told me this was the start of a better future and that he was going to be making so much more money and he couldn’t wait until we could go do stuff again and buy me an engagement ring. I was skeptical since he has said the same thing each time he starts a new job, but he was hurt that I wasn’t excited for him, so I tried to be supportive. Orientation was yesterday and that went great, so I was really hopeful that things were actually going to be different this time. I was wrong.

He woke up for his night shift earlier, complaining of an intense toothache. He’s had an abscess in his gums before, so I was really worried and asked if he needed to call out and go to the ER. He said no, and asked me to go pick him up some pain medicine from the store. I of course did, and after he took it and the pain went down some, I asked him again if he would call out or if he thought he could tough it out. He said that he couldn’t do either, and calling out would only get him fired anyway, so he’ll just have to look for another job again.

I’m not going to lie, I was very upset, and asked him why he couldn’t even try to call or text his boss. He said there’s no number to get in contact with them and that he receives his schedule through an automated email.

I don’t know what to do. I’m working myself to my limit every week and it’s still not enough to cover our rent, and I feel so guilty asking my parents for help when they live under the poverty line too. I’m so tired and every month my bf and I have had the same conversation, and he always manages to convince me that he’s doing the best he can and that things will change. I also feel like I owe it to him to stick through this since he stuck with me while I was out of a job. I mean, we’ve talked about marriage and I thought it was a real possibility, but this lack of stability is causing me extreme mental and physical stress.

I believe that he is doing the best he can. I believe that he has good intentions and wants these jobs to work out just as much as I do. I just don’t know if I can be part of this relationship anymore with the amount of stress I’m under. How do I figure out if I need to leave or not?

Tl;dr I have a low-paying wfh job. I’ve been covering mine and my bf’s expenses for a couple months with the help of my parents, but it’s causing a huge amount of stress. Bf is recently unable to keep a job due to mental/physical reasons, but keeps assuring me things will change. How do I decide if this relationship is still viable for me even though he’s not actually doing anything “wrong?”

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/BeKaykTeeX on 2024-01-24 04:58:33+00:00.

I(22m) have been with my gf (24f) for over a year, she has seen my best and worst. And i love her.

3 months ago i met one girl(19f) through college activity, i use to give her a ride home after practice because we’re on the same way. We share same group of college friends so we went to a few parties, group vacation together.

After times tension naturally started to build up, we both know what’s going on but no one said a thing. She also have a boyfriend already. My friends and her friends also knew because it’s obvious when we’re together.

Now, college activities are finished, i won’t get to see her anymore unless we ran into each other in campus. I don’t know why but that idea seems sad to me. Even if it’s how things should be, i also think about her a lot. We’re just happy when we spend time together, even if it’s so little.

Does these feelings ever go away? Is it natural to feel for somebody else over your girlfriend, or have i already cheated? Should i be honest about this with my girlfriend?

Tl;dr i liked another girl but we both already in a relationship, how can i stop it?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Puzzled_Wish91019 on 2024-01-24 04:46:09+00:00.

TL; DR took a break from my relationship, because I felt suffocated in the relationship, is my partner insecure or am I really a bad person?

Not the ki d Ross took. I(19f) told my bf (19m) that I need a 2-4 week break because I'm too drained for this relationship. We both made some mistakes but my mental health is down the drain because of this.

We started dating 4 years ago, 5-6 months Into dating lockdown happened. My family isn't the best and it was a hard time for me to be with them 24/7.(grandparents hate me and my mom and would do anything to make our life miserable like hurling abuses for not giving them the reason ght kind of spoon to eat etc.). So tough times. He started getting distant. We were long distance and didn't meet up for a while year despite living 15 minutes apart. My family was strict, but the one change I'd get in some 7-8 months to go out with my friends I'd try to plan to meet up with him first, but he'd cancel due to some reason but he'd be out with his friends on the same date I asked him for. Didn't text me for a week at a stretch, I didn't have a phone I used my mom's laptop to talk to him and he'd just do the formality of talking to me for 10 minutes at night and then say I'm sleepy and go to sleep. Then my mom found out some pictures from some old backup back when I did have a phone before lockdown, we were still dating. It was bad, I deserved every beating and everything she said to me but I'd break down, I'd call him but he'd never pick up. Saying he's busy. This went on for 1.5 years and I didn't have anyone else so I stuck around, maybe I was co dependent. I'd have panic attacks and breakdowns because of this. He later apologized for this when I started having a life at college.

Then lockdown ended. I joined a really really good college. Academics aside there were no restrictions in this place as long as I am Inside the campus and we're allowed to go out before 11pm. Reasonable. I made a few friends. One guy had the same pictures scandal like me. I'd have anxiety and panic attacks because my mom would still say stuff to me on the phone, which is reasonable on her side but he was someone I could finally tell and he wouldn't judge me. I do have other friends but he's the closest one I have here because he was one of the first friends I made here, I also have a third friend we 3 hang out in a group, but the third friend is a little distant because he thinks everyone is his academic competition and he's the kind who'd ditch you any minute if it benefits him. He's done that a few times. And there's another girl who's also really close but not in the same circle. I have a larger group of friends but these 3 people are the closest here.

So now here's how I fucked up, I smoked weed and drank alcohol (seperate occasions) with my friend 2-3 times in the college out in the open but at night for obvious reasons, the security doesn't care as long as you don't make a ruckus. He said that I'm out alone drinking at night with 2 guys it's not good this and that (he parties however he wants). I don't like being intoxicated in crowds and the girls here are very conservative. But okay I toned it down. In my 2 years of college I have been high like 3 times, and 2-3 times light drinking. He recently parties for 5 days straight. Idc really I trust him. He went to a party which only had booze and college kids and there were girls following him around I didn't care because I trusted him. He admitted he doesn't trust me and that I'd cheat on him for sure. He calls me a liar at the slightest of misunderstandings.

We had a fight one day and the next day I texted him goodmorning and then I had a really packed day so I forgot about the text and replied in the evening. He lost his shit saying I ignore him this and that etc. this is the regular cycle. I fear him. I have told him all this multiple times that this affects me there are better ways of voicing your problems but there's no change. He gets angry if I'm out with my friend at around 8 in the night because we got late from shopping, the fight escalated and he wanted me to cut him off, when I said no he still brings it up that I choose that friend over him. He'd always twist his words saying I never wanted that but that's all he wants in the end.

This is the regular cycle and there are countless more things. If I bring up the 1.5 year thing in an argument it's always "I apologized why do you keep bringing that up" but God I expect a level of understanding but there is none. I am the asshole but I'm too tired I told him I need 2-4 weeks to myself and assured him it won't lead up to me breaking up with him. There could be a bias as I'm only telling my side of the story.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/undeniablytiredd on 2024-01-24 04:19:19+00:00.

For context, me (24f) and my boyfriend (28m) have been together for a couple years and living together for over one now. We clicked immediately and early on went through a pretty big loss together and that really solidified for me that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We now talk very candidly about eventually getting married, how many kids we want, when we want them, financial planning, religion, etc. He’s truly the best person in the world and life is amazing with him.

Here’s the catch … Right before he met me, he bought a house. It’s beautiful and honestly didn’t think we would be so young living in something like this. However, he has three childhood buddies that were happy to move in with him. In the past year, I’ve had my own issues with these guys and their living habits that I won’t get into... For the most part I get along with them, and I am happy that they pay most of my bfs mortgage.

Since my name isn’t currently on the house title, we agreed I wouldn’t pay rent and instead I would be able to invest more of my income monthly. We came to this arrangement, as the extra savings will benefit us both in the future and it gives me some protection if we ever parted ways.

I told him I want my first kid by 29 and he said that he agreed, and was on board with that timeline. I want to be married for a few years before having kids and I just feel like his friends are a roadblock to our relationship moving forward. Apart from his mortgage, neither of us have debt. I make $75k and he makes close to $100k, so it feels silly that we would be getting engaged and still living with roommates, because it’s not like we are tight money by any means. What do you all think? Am I overthinking this?

Tl;dr I want to get engaged but my boyfriend still has his three childhood friends living with us in the home he purchased. We have good salaries and no debt so Is it weird to get engaged but still have roommates with us?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/pooploljag on 2024-01-24 04:35:09+00:00.

i F(19) have been with my Boyfriend(21) for 8 months and a few months ago he dropped the suggestion jokingly but then it progressed from there. I have terrible jealousy issues and feel like he just wants to fuck another girl. He has told me he wants it to be with someone i’m comfortable with and if i’m not comfortable with the idea we don’t have to. I tried warming up to the idea and convinced myself but had a breakdown thinking about it. I have had multiple. I suggested my bestfriend as an option and she really likes the idea. I still don’t know how i would feel, i would still be jealous. Is it normal for couples to have threesomes? Is he just wanting a way to cheat?

TL;DR;: This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, all things are bold. Is this going the right way?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Gatntp on 2024-01-24 02:02:33+00:00.

At 16, I met a guy, let's call him A, and felt an inexplicable connection. He was strangely familiar. During that time, my mental health was in a dire state, leading me to end up with another guy, B, who was abusive. Despite the toxicity of my "relationship" with B, A and I shared meaningful moments, making him my best memory from high school.After breaking up with B, I confessed my feelings to A, and he told me that he loved me, making me the happiest. However, our happiness was short-lived as I ghosted him due to a strange feeling... I felt triggered in his presence. Over the years, I battled severe depression, I accepted to reconnect with B, thinking he was the only one who could love the hidden parts of me..Despite being easily liked by men, I feel unlovable as a whole. We broke up and unfortunately, B turned violent and harassed me for years after that. Oddly, B's actions pulled me out of my passive depressed state. As I gained clarity and self-kindness, I realized I had ghosted A because I believed he was too good for me. I was and still is insecure. During this time, I occasionally thought fondly of A. By the time I remembered everything about him, it was too late, leading me to move on and enter another relationship after three years of being single. Last year, I apologized to A via text, explaining my insecurities at the time. He forgave me, sharing that he felt a strange and unique feeling, as if we had known each other in a previous life. He also revealed he was getting married. I experienced a mix of sadness, acceptance, and genuine happiness for him. Months later, we met after eight years. He told me that I didn't change at all. We had a short conversation.Despite the passage of time, there was still a palpable connection. It has been months, and I think of him every day. It's no longer nostalgia but filled with sorrow and regrets. I fear that my mental health may have robbed me of what was supposed to be the great love of my life. What should I do ?

TL;DR : I lost the one because of my own actions

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Gatntp on 2024-01-24 02:05:59+00:00.

At 16, I met a guy, let's call him A, and felt an inexplicable connection. He was strangely familiar. During that time, my mental health was in a dire state, leading me to end up with another guy, B, who was abusive. Despite the toxicity of my "relationship" with B, A and I shared meaningful moments, making him my best memory from high school.After breaking up with B, I confessed my feelings to A, and he told me that he loved me, making me the happiest. However, our happiness was short-lived as I ghosted him due to a strange feeling... I felt triggered in his presence. Over the years, I battled severe depression, I accepted to reconnect with B, thinking he was the only one who could love the hidden parts of me..Despite being easily liked by men, I feel unlovable as a whole. We broke up and unfortunately, B turned violent and harassed me for years after that. Oddly, B's actions pulled me out of my passive depressed state. As I gained clarity and self-kindness, I realized I had ghosted A because I believed he was too good for me. I was and still is insecure. During this time, I occasionally thought fondly of A. By the time I remembered everything about him, it was too late, leading me to move on and enter another relationship after three years of being single. Last year, I apologized to A via text, explaining my insecurities at the time. He forgave me, sharing that he felt a strange and unique feeling, as if we had known each other in a previous life. He also revealed he was getting married. I experienced a mix of sadness, acceptance, and genuine happiness for him. Months later, we met after eight years. He told me that I didn't change at all. We had a short conversation.Despite the passage of time, there was still a palpable connection. It has been months, and I think of him every day. It's no longer nostalgia but filled with sorrow and regrets. I fear that my mental health may have robbed me of what was supposed to be the great love of my life. What should I do to move on ? It s possible to do so ?

TL;DR : I lost the one because I was insecure and depressed and realised it too late. I think of him everyday even if I m the one who did the break up.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Evening-Map2262 on 2024-01-24 01:40:18+00:00.

The two of us have been married for two years and dating for five in total. One thing I’ve known since we were dating is that she has an huge exhibitionist streak and often posts NSFW stuff on the internet. I’ve never really liked her doing this, but it’s something I’ve just kind of tolerated and I’ve mostly just not thought much about it.

A couple days ago, a friend of mine found nudes of her online since she’d been too sloppy with editing out identifying details. He told me about it and i just sort of lied and acted shocked by the whole thing. I talked to her briefly about it and she didn’t seem to think it was a big deal, but she did remove all the photos that he saw after I asked her to.

But I still feel really awkward about the whole thing. It just feels weird knowing a friend I’ve known for years has seen her like that, plus he’s never been great at keeping secrets so now I’m kind of worried others might find her too. Any advice for what I should do here and how to best deal with this situation?

tl;dr One of my friends found nudes of my wife online. Not sure how to handle the situation.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/D_Houses on 2024-01-23 20:56:03+00:00.

I've been with my girlfriend for a little less than a year, and a few weeks ago, I (22m) saw some messages pop up on my girlfriend's (23f) phone. I had other suspicions, and I went through her phone. She had many messages sent to her ex spanning over a month. Much of it was to the effect of "I miss you, let's hang out, you will always have my heart..." etc. I confronted her about it, and she was apologetic and took responsibility; she admitted to meeting him for lunch but that nothing physical/sexual ever happened. After our conversation she has been considerably more attentive, prioritizing me while keeping us equal, she's become less distant, she's been letting me in emotionally and has become a lot more open.

For context, she was with her ex for several years. He was allegedly physically and emotionally abusive, and they'd been broken up for a year when we started dating. She had some issues in her personal life and was putting a lot of distance between us, but after I found out, she worked diligently to close the distance and appears to have prioritized our relationship more. She has also agreed to my boundaries, one of which was about cutting him and his family out completely. Not sure if infidelity can lead to a stronger relationship but I really don't know.

TL;DR: I found out my GF cheated, and I want to go through her phone again. What should I do?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/1241308650 on 2024-01-23 15:30:31+00:00.

Edit: just a note, my husband absolutely will not see a couples therapist, so i am posting here for insight and ideas outside of going to therapy together, which i agree would be ideal.

My husband (39M) and I (41F) have been married for ten years and together for 15. He's always been known to have a strong personality in that he will be super obsessive about certain things and very extroverted and verbose so if you try to talk to him about something he will go on forever. I love that about him in that he's passionate and can really get to be a self taught expert in things in which he's interested, but there is also a bit of a tedious aspect to that, too.

Sometimes I think he may be a bit on the spectrum due to this trait. The "monologuing" trait that frequently comes up for neurodivergent people is just so incredibly on point about him.

Obviously this is an aspect of us that is a challenge as I have adhd. I frequently get so impatient listening to some of his monologues. He can tell when I get antsy and gets very insulted with me, and I can't say I blame him. On the other hand, it's widely known amongst people that knownmy husband that "once he gets going, settle in!" like good naturedly pointing this out about him. I guess what I am trying to say is that he deserves to feel like what he's saying matters but also, he is so longwinded that any reasonable person struggles with it. He is in sales and he does well there, but in social settings it's a challenge. Once recently our first grader looked at him and told him he needs to "use less words in your stories."

My biggest issue is that he weirdly doesn't seem able to judge *what* to explain at length vs what to just say and move on. Like, he will rattle off technical stuff or acronyms that I or whoever would have absolutely no idea what he's talking about, and he should know this but doesnt seem to, so either you just nod and let him go and you can't follow what he's talking about, or if you disrupt his flow to say wait, what's XYZ? he can sometimes get frustrated.

What's so strange to me about it is that he will, at the same time, OVER explain very basic concepts. Like this morning he was telling me what the garage door people are going to do to our garage door (which btw he has told me numerous times already), which is that they're going to put in a track that goes up higher so the garage door hugs the ceiling more when you open the door.

He starts explaining this all again, in detail, and says "it'll raise it two feet." He then goes on a side bar to explain in excruciating detail what "raising two feet" means. I get fed up and say "i get what it means that the door is two feet higher when open." And he gets mad at storms out, saying he doesnt even know why he talks to me, and why i am unwilling to listen to what he has to say. I say i do want to hear what you have to say, but i get what raise two feet means.

So that's it. This is a frequent occurrence. I am partly venting and partly wondering what I can do here. This happens a lot. He certainly isn't changing. I recognize that this is part of who he is. He is an okay listener when I am talking. I am also a decent listener generally with people.

I just get so impatient when he repeats concepts or overexplains simple stuff while rattling off jargon that obviously means nothing to his audience. Does anyone have a significant other like this? I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel like i dont want to hear what he has to say but my patience for this is not great. It's obviously a huge issue in our communication.

TLDR my husband talks/monologues a lot and I get impatient; resentment ensues. How do I deal with this?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/aluminiumblunt on 2024-01-23 09:44:58+00:00.

My(37m) SO (37f) and I have been together ten years and have two kids, one aged nine and the other two.

For most of that time she has been role-playing online in a few subreddits, and in 2019 I discovered that alongside this she was messaging other men directly, writing sexual roleplay.

I've looked around online and a lot of people say obviously it's not cheating, learn the difference between fantasy, fiction and reality, it's like playing with dolls and making them kiss.

I didn't realise at the time how much of it she'd done. I recently read back over the sub and the thing that got me was the way these sexual scenes would escalate and then she or the guy would say it fades to black, it goes to the PMs, or "wanna start the pm? ;)"

So I looked. I'd seen her PMs before, some of them, I think, or maybe not, and we have each other's passwords. I looked and there was just so much. For years, from 2016 on that account until 2019.

She had another account before that which I thought was deleted or banned but it's just suspended. The password for that one has been changed and I can't access it but im guessing from how the very first PMs she has in her current account are immediately sexual that she was doing it before that.

It's so explicit. And the other thing is shes on discord with these guys, she has a couple of them on Snapchat. She sends selfies in the discord, they mostly just use user names but there's all this out of character discussion.

After I found out and we talked about it, she said a lot of reasurimg things but said if I wasn't ok with it she would stop and she did, eventually. I didn't make her but she did stop.

The thing is I think it was actually 2018 when I found out. And I think maybe I didn't see the PMs. When I look back now I see her turning guys down after that, but there's one who she keeps going with even after she told these other guys she wasn't interested anymore, had completely stepped away from the erotic roleplay, has reassessed relationship boundaries etc.

Thing that gets me is the message says "one for the road," and she sent it, the first PM. And it goes on from 2018 into April 2019.

I downloaded a data dump of their whole subreddit, her account, her old deleted account, and some of these other roleplaying subreddits she was on. I also downloaded my Facebook data.

I've been going through her PMs with these guys and comparing the time stamps to our chat history, social media posts and my Google maps timeline.

The first one in 2016 is late at night and she says to the guy she's drunk, and they go back and forth until a little after midnight. The next day she's messaging him all through ten am, eleven am up to nearly twelve. When I look at that day, we were at the Sunday market with our son. She posted this nice wholesome post of me and him, playing with these drums. I even looked at the angle of the shadows on the photo and the angle of the sun on that day in that location and determined it was like ten or eleven AM that she took it. So while we're walking around she's messaging this guy about her (character) riding his (character's) shaft etc etc.

She's doing this when I message her to say my course finished early and she can come pick me up whatever time suits. She's messaging me back about how early, and when I look at the PMs she's busy with some guy, like I'm interrupting. She messages him three more times with him messaging back in between after asking me that, then she messages saying they're leaving now, drives to come get me, sends him one more reply and then messages to tell me she's there. She obviously had my son in the car as well because it's "we're here."

She did this kind of thing on my birthday, and the guy says when he's done, "good night, and happy birthday to your SO." She did it when we were at her grandmother's house after we got off the plane for her grandfather's funeral, where i spent all this time with her family, held her as she cried, looked after our son. She was collapsing, uncontrollably crying and I had to hold her and comfort our son who was frightened for her.

She did it when we were out of town for my grandmother's funeral, another time while we were away with her family on the trip where she proposed, a trip where I helped dig the grave for her great uncle.

For a lot of that time from 2016 to 2018 it was constant, all these messages, all these guys, and then with some of them it was just so many times, again and again with the same guy. One was her favourite, the last guy. Another one made a private subreddit for the two of them before eventually deleting his account.

They have out of character (OOC) comments where the guys ask her sexual questions. One guy says he "came buckets" and she just did the U_U emoji. A lot of the time she's apologetic, almost seems submissive. It's her kink, with me, and she puts so much of it into her characters, making them intially protest and then eagerly comply, making them shy, making them blush, just how she says to them OOC that she's shy, apologetically says she prefers PMs, etc.

It hurts, you know, I feel like a fucking idiot, just a loser. We don't have much of a sex life these days, there's always a reason why not, but in these messages she's so eager. She says things like "cos shyyy" as subject lines, like in some of the subreddits it's a rule, no sexually explicit stuff on the sub, rated m, but on some other other ones there's just open smut but she still prefers to do it in private.

Tl;dr my SO had been messaging other men sexual material for several years while we were together; is it still chasing if it's just part of a wider community writing actual storylines with plots etc?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/LoadSpare on 2024-01-24 03:17:19+00:00.

I 23F and my boyfriend 24M have only been together for about 4 months. Everything is pretty good so far, he is loving, loyal, and very supportive, but he lies about the littlest things. I dug into this subreddit to see if I am not the only one, and I did find one but it is not exactly my situation.

A month ago or so, he confessed to me (while drunk) that he knows he has an issue with telling small lies and letting them build up, and ever since then, I have been noticing more and more little lies adding up. I like him a lot, and I want this relationship to last, but I don't want to be with someone who constantly lies to me. My mom suggested that I test him to see if he would tell me the truth, but I am unsure if that would be toxic. I have tried to let him know that I won't get mad and that those little things don't bother me or upset me, I just would rather know the truth than be lied to about things that don't matter. It's the principle of lying to me that bothers me more than anything.

Does anyone have any suggestions on something small to test him on? If he fails the trust test how should I proceed?

TLDR: My boyfriend keeps lying to me about dumb things and I want this relationship to work but I don't want to be with someone who lies to me constantly, so I am thinking about testing him to see if he will tell the truth, how do I fix this?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Weekly-Caregiver-827 on 2024-01-24 03:15:47+00:00.

I 24f female have been dating my boyfriend 29m for three years. We started out working together, becoming friends (hanging out for hours 5 days a week), and dating. I won't lie we did rush everything. We worked together and hung out so sleepovers ended up turning into me moving in. Being 100% honest we had been dating for maybe 2 weeks at this point. When we were 3 months into our relationship I got pregnant. I couldn't convince myself to have an abortion. I gave him the option to leave and he didn't. I got extremely sick starting at 5 weeks pregnant and it continued to get worse and worse. He told me to stop working and I did. I know it sounds dumb to add this but my family gave us their car so I could drive him to work so long as I drove everyone else to work as well. I would always get sick in the car.

Anyway I give birth to our child, and I think everything is good. My boyfriend was talking about marriage and everything with me. Well on our child's first birthday I found 6,000 messages of him cheating on me with a male coworker. It had been going on since 3 months after I gave birth. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. We decided to give it another shot.

Well now we are almost a year past me finding out and things are awful. He blames everything on his depression (when I ask if it's our relationship at all he says no your perfect) He won't talk to me or have sex with me. He's made me feel so ugly. My family has started to say that he isn't who they thought he was. They have no idea he cheated. He continues to say I never look happy either anymore, and uses our sons first birthday photos as his evidence. BUT has pointed out I actually look happy in more recent pictures.

Our three year anniversary is at the end of the week. I asked him if he had anything planned and he said no and didn't care what we did. This hurt a lot. Mainly because on my birthday he fell asleep all night putting our child down for a nap. I literally made My own dinner, lit my own candles, and sang myself happy birthday before smoking three blunts. He promised our anniversary would be better.

I don't know if I should leave because if it is his depression he can get medicated. Before anyone says I'm stupid for staying after being cheated on, I come from a broken family. I didn't want that and don't really want that for my child. I have always told him if he wants to leave I can and will support myself. I would never try to damage his relationship with our child, so he doesn't have to worry about that. Every part of me is saying to stay and see if he gets better, but another part is saying to leave.

If I leave, how do I find childcare, get a car again, it all seems scary. But I will do anything for my son. Please don't be mean to me.

TL;DR! - boyfriend cheated with a male coworker for 6 months. Now is super distant even though we are trying to make it work. How can I help strengthen this relationship? Or is it unhealthy to even keep trying?

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/knightsrook6 on 2024-01-24 02:24:12+00:00.

Tl;dr : friend hasn’t been putting any effort into our friendship, considering telling him I won’t be part of his wedding party.

Hi everyone, looking for some advice on how to proceed with my friendship here. Sorry for the essay.

I’ve had a very rocky friendship with one of my (31M) longest friends (31M) in my life for the past 5 or so years. We’ve known each other for about 20 years, went to same schools, studied the same thing, and generally spent a lot of time together in our teens + early 20’s, went on trips, etc.

Over the last 5 or so years , our relationship has changed. I don’t know exactly what caused it, but it started happening around the time that we both got into relationships. For some reason, he started becoming very distant. I met his girlfriend only a couple times, and he would say it’s because she wasn’t social at all and didn’t really want to hang out with any of his friends.

Him and his original girlfriend have since broken up a while ago, and he started dating a new girl about 2 years ago, and they will be getting married later this year. I’ve had the same experience with this girl as his ex. I’ve met her only a couple times, and they only wants to hang out with my girl and I about once or twice a year.

To be clear, we only see each other about 3-4 times a year total now, independently of our girlfriends. And this is primarily when I initiate things. I feel like over time, he’s stopped caring about our friendship . Obviously I don’t expect it to be like when we were 20, but I do except some minimal amount of effort and to initiate things every once in a while.

Now, later this year he’s going to be getting married. He asked me to be a groomsman last year, in addition to 5 other of his friends. I think that he’s trying to act like everything’s cool, even though it’s clearly not. As he was asking me to be a groomsman, he literally talked shit about 2 of the other groomsman and was telling me how he didn’t feel good asking them. Keep in mind that he hangs out with these 2 groomsmen way more than with me.

I do acknowledge that I haven’t always been the perfect friend, but he hasn’t asked out to hangout in months. We text every once in a while, but the last time I saw him was in November when I initiated an escape room with him and his gf and my girl. The last time he “initiated” something was back in March to grab drinks for my bday, in which he spent about 80% of the time telling me that he was going to propose to his gf.

I’m somewhat considering telling him that I wouldn’t feel appropriate being a groomsman at his wedding. I feel like that should be a special role dedicated to someone close in his life, and that is not me at this point. At this stage of our lives, he spends considerably more time hanging out with other friends , some who are in the wedding party, others who are not. Like I said, if I wasn’t initiating, we’d see each other twice a year.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/Even_Roof3002 on 2024-01-24 01:31:55+00:00.

Hello reddit. Thanks for coming by because I certainly need all the help I can get. I’ve spoken to some of my closest friends and family about this and the opinion is pretty mixed, so I figured I’d come here to get a more impartial opinion.

I’m devastated reddit, and I don’t know what to do. Here are the facts:

My[33m] wife Sara[32f], is the love of my life. She’s a woman of charm, grace, beauty and accomplishment. I met her through mutual friends 6 years who thought that we’d be a good fit. At first Sara didn’t seem to be too impressed with me, but as we chatted she warmed up to me and we even exchanged numbers. We went on a date and had an amazing time, that turned into another date, which turned into us dating and then eventually marriage. Sara is such a warm, caring person who helped me through some tough times and was always there to pick me up, dust me off, pat me on the back and help me forward. I thought she would be the woman I’d raise a family with and grow old together with, but maybe that isn’t the case.

Last week I was clearing our driveway from snow when I came back in the house to take a piss, and overheard a phone conversation between Sara and a friend of hers. Our house is very echo-ey and I don’t think she realized I was in the house because she thought I was still clearing the driveway. Recently her friend broke up with her long term boyfriend because she didn’t feel like they were a long term match. That’s when Sara said unprompted and I quote because it was burned into my brain: “I mean it’s a good thing you did this now, you don’t want to end up with your second or third option like I did”. I swear I thought she was joking, but from the tone of her voice, I could tell that she wasn’t. Something told me to pull out my phone and record, so I did. The conversation continued with her saying: “He’s not the love of my life, but I do love him”, and I guess the most damning of them all: “If Paul(her ex) wasn’t so terrified of marriage, I’d probably still be with him”. She did conclude by saying that she really did love me, but it wasn’t head over heels love, and that she thought I was a great husband and would be a good father someday. I have this all on recording.

I was confused and flustered in that moment that I forgot I had to pee and went back outside to continue clearing the driveway. Inside I was destroyed, I felt like a zombie just going through the motions. When I finished up, I went back inside and I finally looked at her and I just felt…empty. She smiled at me but I didn’t give her one back, she asked me what was wrong, so I just told her I was sick. That night I just stuck to myself and didn’t say much. The next day over some beers, I asked my best friends in the world(33m, 34f) what they thought of the recording and they immediately said to divorce. My friend Ashley[34f] said “if a woman admits that she doesn’t love you more than her ex, there’s nothing more to say”. A day later, I brought this to my sister and parents who took the opposite approach. They said I should listen to her words carefully, and that she said she does love me, that she chose to commit to me and that even though I ‘m not her soulmate, I shouldn’t take commitment and an admission of love so lightly.

I’ve been faking being okay at home reddit, and I don’t think I can keep up the act much longer. She’s been extremely suspicious since that day and constantly asks me if anything is wrong. I have no idea what to do, but I know I need to make a decision soon.

Can you guys see anything here that I can’t? Should I give Sara a chance? Do you think she really loves me?

Tl;dr: Accidently overhear my wife saying I was her backup option, probably wouldn’t be with me if ex would commit and that I’m not the love of her life.

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/GigaSnaight on 2024-01-23 20:47:06+00:00.

My wife sees her family twice a week, but they live about an hour drive away. For a while either she or the family have been making the drive, but last year, she approached me about moving to be closer to them.

I moved across the county when my ex-wife got a better job and I saw first hand how lonely and miserable I was without my close friends around, I felt isolated and it was very difficult. When I first met my wife, I had said I never intended to move again, because I knew I absolutely hated that feeling.

So when my wife first approached me, I more or less said no. There would be nothing for me there. I'd give up my job, friends id had since college, my hobby, I felt like I was being asked to lose so much. Due to a medical issue I am unable to drive so I would be very distant practically. Normally we are good at compromise, but we talked and couldn't find one. She said she would drive me down biweekly, but I just can't imagine that, who would want to drive 45 minutes to sit around with little to do for a few hours? Would she really want to drive me down on a Saturday, go home, then pick me up later that day?

Ultimately, it was left with not moving. But I could tell it was hurting her to not see her family as often as she wanted. A month or so later, she "tried" to give me an ultimatum. That is, I could tell immediately she was planning on saying she had to move and she wanted me to come with but she would go regardless. I didn't want her to have to do that, so I cut her off and said we were moving, that was that.

But things are messed up, now. Weve talked since and both know she was ready to offer a "move or divorce" ultimatum. We both know I really have nothing to gain from the move, I sacrifice my family and friends so she can see hers more often. I can't help but feel like second place, she can't help but feel like she's ruining my life. There's a barrier and we aren't as close as we were.

What I can't figure out is how to move on and accept it. It's far too late to change, she has a (much) better job waiting in the new city, we've paid for movers, next August it's 100 percent happening. And I have been in a funk for months about it. I can't figure out how to feel better myself, but I see she feels guilty too. She keeps wanting to offer up small sacrifices (like making dinner or doing one of my chores) to make up for it, I feel guilty and don't want to let her, or I let her and can tell she still feels guilty. It feels like we're both constantly sad all the time and I have no idea what either of us can do to mend it .

Tl;Dr - we are going to move and I'm miserable about missing my friends, job, hobby, and routine. My wife feels like shit because she was prepared to issue a "move or divorce" ultimatum and that's why we are moving. We both feel disconnected, sad, and not close.

(And to head off what I'm assuming will be some questions: no children, not will there ever be. Yes, we are fairly independent, twice a week we both spend time with our seperate people with sporadic days where one of us is out of the house most of the day. No, there isn't cheating, she just wants to be closer to her family and friends. Couples therapy would be wonderful, but the cost is a huge barrier and the waiting list would be significant regardless)