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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/aluminiumblunt on 2024-01-23 09:44:58+00:00.
My(37m) SO (37f) and I have been together ten years and have two kids, one aged nine and the other two.
For most of that time she has been role-playing online in a few subreddits, and in 2019 I discovered that alongside this she was messaging other men directly, writing sexual roleplay.
I've looked around online and a lot of people say obviously it's not cheating, learn the difference between fantasy, fiction and reality, it's like playing with dolls and making them kiss.
I didn't realise at the time how much of it she'd done. I recently read back over the sub and the thing that got me was the way these sexual scenes would escalate and then she or the guy would say it fades to black, it goes to the PMs, or "wanna start the pm? ;)"
So I looked. I'd seen her PMs before, some of them, I think, or maybe not, and we have each other's passwords. I looked and there was just so much. For years, from 2016 on that account until 2019.
She had another account before that which I thought was deleted or banned but it's just suspended. The password for that one has been changed and I can't access it but im guessing from how the very first PMs she has in her current account are immediately sexual that she was doing it before that.
It's so explicit. And the other thing is shes on discord with these guys, she has a couple of them on Snapchat. She sends selfies in the discord, they mostly just use user names but there's all this out of character discussion.
After I found out and we talked about it, she said a lot of reasurimg things but said if I wasn't ok with it she would stop and she did, eventually. I didn't make her but she did stop.
The thing is I think it was actually 2018 when I found out. And I think maybe I didn't see the PMs. When I look back now I see her turning guys down after that, but there's one who she keeps going with even after she told these other guys she wasn't interested anymore, had completely stepped away from the erotic roleplay, has reassessed relationship boundaries etc.
Thing that gets me is the message says "one for the road," and she sent it, the first PM. And it goes on from 2018 into April 2019.
I downloaded a data dump of their whole subreddit, her account, her old deleted account, and some of these other roleplaying subreddits she was on. I also downloaded my Facebook data.
I've been going through her PMs with these guys and comparing the time stamps to our chat history, social media posts and my Google maps timeline.
The first one in 2016 is late at night and she says to the guy she's drunk, and they go back and forth until a little after midnight. The next day she's messaging him all through ten am, eleven am up to nearly twelve. When I look at that day, we were at the Sunday market with our son. She posted this nice wholesome post of me and him, playing with these drums. I even looked at the angle of the shadows on the photo and the angle of the sun on that day in that location and determined it was like ten or eleven AM that she took it. So while we're walking around she's messaging this guy about her (character) riding his (character's) shaft etc etc.
She's doing this when I message her to say my course finished early and she can come pick me up whatever time suits. She's messaging me back about how early, and when I look at the PMs she's busy with some guy, like I'm interrupting. She messages him three more times with him messaging back in between after asking me that, then she messages saying they're leaving now, drives to come get me, sends him one more reply and then messages to tell me she's there. She obviously had my son in the car as well because it's "we're here."
She did this kind of thing on my birthday, and the guy says when he's done, "good night, and happy birthday to your SO." She did it when we were at her grandmother's house after we got off the plane for her grandfather's funeral, where i spent all this time with her family, held her as she cried, looked after our son. She was collapsing, uncontrollably crying and I had to hold her and comfort our son who was frightened for her.
She did it when we were out of town for my grandmother's funeral, another time while we were away with her family on the trip where she proposed, a trip where I helped dig the grave for her great uncle.
For a lot of that time from 2016 to 2018 it was constant, all these messages, all these guys, and then with some of them it was just so many times, again and again with the same guy. One was her favourite, the last guy. Another one made a private subreddit for the two of them before eventually deleting his account.
They have out of character (OOC) comments where the guys ask her sexual questions. One guy says he "came buckets" and she just did the U_U emoji. A lot of the time she's apologetic, almost seems submissive. It's her kink, with me, and she puts so much of it into her characters, making them intially protest and then eagerly comply, making them shy, making them blush, just how she says to them OOC that she's shy, apologetically says she prefers PMs, etc.
It hurts, you know, I feel like a fucking idiot, just a loser. We don't have much of a sex life these days, there's always a reason why not, but in these messages she's so eager. She says things like "cos shyyy" as subject lines, like in some of the subreddits it's a rule, no sexually explicit stuff on the sub, rated m, but on some other other ones there's just open smut but she still prefers to do it in private.
Tl;dr my SO had been messaging other men sexual material for several years while we were together; is it still chasing if it's just part of a wider community writing actual storylines with plots etc?