Ask Lemmy

As a woman, constantly

I do it subconsciously, 100% of the time. I'm always aware of potential threats.

I don't keep checking to see if I'm being followed, but assessing people nearby seems to be practical awareness.

Its probably some baked in survival skills.

Depends? Shady part of the city, late night, slightly drunk and alone? Absolutely. Going for lunch in a nic small town? Absolutely not. The street sign I run into would probably tell me it's sorry.

So, yeah, depends on the situation. I've had most negative interactions either in crowds or at places like train stations, so that is where I am most paranoid

You're not cautious, you're paranoid and fearful to the point it's a bit concerning for your mental health (although the suicidal ideation tells me the whole situation is more than just a bit concerning). You know this ain't normal, you know that's not how people are meant to live their lives, you know this cannot continue for long before you either snap at/hurt someone who didn't mean any harm or your mind breaks.

I know living in the USA cannot help your mental stability but it's not a favela, it really ain't that dangerous. Maybe moving to a smaller city or a town would work? Sometimes it's easier to change our circumstances than to change ourselves, and sometimes the former allows the letter as well.

Spacial awareness is good to have no matter who you are or what your situation is. What's not good is being constantly worried or paranoid.

I look for lots of things. Who's in the area, what's in the area and what are different ways to get out if I need to. But I'm not specifically on the lookout for weirdos, as in, I'm constantly worried they'll be there or anything. If I notice someone sus I keep tabs on them until I don't think it's a threat.

One night I was out walking my dog, who was still under a year old (he was already a big dog though), and a guy is walking in the opposite direction. I see him coming but he's got a hoodie on and pulled up over his head, ducked in a way that I can't see his face. My radar didn't go off, but I made sure to watch him out of the corner of my eye as we passed each other. Then, he turns and heads straight for me.

So, I turned towards him and put my hands up. I couldn't outrun him with my dog, and I figured once I started making a commotion my dog might help out.

It turned out to be my (now-ex) fiance playing a trick on me, seeing what I would do. Once he saw me square up he threw back his hood and gave me a lecture on how I should have ran.Fucking asshole behavior, but I guess now I know what I'd do in that situation.

Anyway, no one's ever done that to me since, but I still keep my wits about me. I also don't think I'm constantly going to be followed by creepers either.

Being aware of your surroundings, regardless of a "safe" or "dangerous" place is just street smarts. However, you may not realize that looking around every minute makes you look scared and people who want to victimize you will catch on to that fear and target you. And other people, that are not trying to harm you, will think there is something wrong with you and avoid you as the "danger stranger". I would suggest being more calm, use your ears as well as your eyes, and look a little less often. "Blend in" is the safe way to move through an area.

As a woman, yes, especially at night, because I value my life.

Look at it like driving - you should be looking as far down the road as you can for "threats", and maintaining awareness of other cars and their behaviour all around you, and behind you, so you can predict what they're going to do.

We teach "Defensive Driving", which includes avoiding risky situations - don't let yourself get boxed in, watch for that car driving... assertively, and create a space for them to go so they don't cause problems for the rest of them, etc.

Rest of life is not really different - situational awareness is the primary tool for our safety. Don't step into the street without looking, don't walk under that ladder or scaffolding (things fall from work sites all the time), walk through the yard with the barking dog, etc.

Threats from people just become part of your overall situational awareness.

I recommend the book "The Gift of Fear" By Gavin deBecker. He essentially espouses the usefulness of fear and situational awareness.

Maybe this will help you reframe what seems paranoid fear into something more reasonable and useful.

Edit: The big thing is to engage in the society around you. If you're engaged, you're part of it all, people are aware of you. We actually get the word "idiot" from the Greeks - it was the term they used to describe people who didn't engage in the "polis" (society) - it meant someone not involved, not skilled at this (or other skills). So don't be an idiōtēs, engage with people!

No. I'm always aware of my surroundings because it's boring not to notice what's happening in the world around you, but I'm not purposely scanning for danger. If someone potentially dangerous is nearby I'll notice it, but I'm not looking around intentionally trying to find them

I used to feel the same until I got myself some proper wrap around sunglasses. Perfect for ocular pat downs. Now I can asses a subjects threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.

Nope. Grew up in a pretty rough town and you kinda know a lot of the undesirables. I’ve been alive for over 40 years and only once confronted in the street.

I’ll take walks home in the early hours of the morning (02:00) through very dark secluded areas.

Now if there was a pattern of people being attacked here, then I’d be taking a different route but I tend not to worry about things like this as it’s incredibly rare and the stress of worrying probably does more damage to your health than a would be attacker.

Edit: Have an example from a few days ago. Me and a couple of friends went for a smoke and a walk through a Forrest in pitch black with a flash light and I was more concerned with the bugs getting in my sliders than being murdered 😂.

I don't necessarily look around like I'm being followed. But it took me a very long time to be comfortable listening to music or having headphones on while walking, or in public at all.

The idea of not being able to hear my surroundings and be ready to react to something is still really weird to me. It takes all of my mental effort to put it to the back of my brain while walking my dog.

It's not even necessarily worrying about someone with malicious intent. It could be not being able to sense another walker coming up behind me. Or two kids playing catch and a ball going astray towards my face. Just the idea of not having situational awareness at all times freaks me out.

I don't look around like I'm being followed, but I keep my head on a swivel for anything. Wild animal, car out of control, etc. seen enough videos of people getting fucked up by random things.

Look around? No, but I am listening.

we hear about crime everywhere.

Worth noting that although concern about crime in the US has risen over time, the actual rate of violent crime has fallen dramatically over the past few decades. As in the overall violent crime rate fell 49% between 1993 and 2022.

I'm not telling you whether your level of concern is appropriate or not, that's up to you and may vary with circumstances that I don't know. But generally speaking I think it's safe to say that levels of concern in the US don't line up very well with the things that the concern is about. Might be worth investigating for yourself and perhaps calibrating your expectations a bit.

Anyone not aware of their surroundings is stupid imo.

I've been punched in the face by passers-by without any provocation in my life before, which has led to me constantly being vigilant.

Yes. Always. I even make sure I'm listening to audio books so I can hear.

I'm 99% of the time completely oblivious. There is absolutely no reason anyone would take any interest in me. I'm a completely nondescript guy and I'm almost never in shady areas. I'm either in a parking lot or a suburb or very public walking trails through the city. I always walk like I have a purpose. There's no reason anyone would even look twice at me and if they did there's almost always a bright, public place in full view a few steps away.

The only exception is when I'm walking some trails with my daughter. She is a little more independent and confident than I'd like. She is just fucking certain of anyone messed with her she'd fuck them up. Maybe. But I'd prefer a little more caution. So I keep an eye on things for her. It's not like it would be completely impossible to disappear someone from the city trails. I'm not worth the effort, but she could be.

On the contrary, on the road I'm always hyper aware. I always know who is in front of me, behind me, beside me. I always have an escape plan if there's a blowout or debris in the road ahead of me. I know who is a cop and who they are looking at.

Not sure why it's such a night and day difference, I just can't conceive of being in any personal danger when I'm walking around. Years ago, I took a stroll through downtown Bangkok at 3 in the morning. I probably wasn't as safe as I felt, but I felt pretty safe. I picked up on some shady shit in a nightclub there, but I'll never know if that was danger or paranoia. I definitely didn't leave my drink unattended. Didn't occur to look behind me after I left, but I wasn't alone and my attention was focused on her.

Dang. I'm sorry yall. As a bigger dude I've never even thought of this. I'll just be in my own world doing whatever.

Actually, funny story though. Literally earlier at work today a car was creeping around a little slowly in the parking lot as I was walking on the sidewalk to check on somethings. And for the first time ever I did have a thought about how people abducting me would go down. It was a smaller car though so I just kinda laughed it off.

It's not so funny now that I think about how yall feel

I use reflective surfaces (cars, windows, signs etc…) for that purpose, no need to turn around and look suspicious

I don't worry about it cause I figure I'll sense it if someone is close behind me

6'2 white man and I often walk with a dog, so no, people do not fuck with me.

If I were a woman tho I'd be carrying a weapon, but not paranoid about it.

Nope. I always have a weapon on me (stun gun usually), and that makes me feel more secure.

I'm a 6'2" guy and people only mess with me if they're intoxicated. I'm always completely aware of my surroundings unless I'm in a crowded place that should be safe (like malls and airports).

All my sketchy encounters were on public transit, so I no longer take it in my city (transit in Denver is THE FUCKING WORST). I've been threatened and followed multiple times by drugged out weirdos, but let me tell you about the two worst incidents: 1) I was jumped and attacked by a random guy at an empty train station, there was nobody around to help or even witness and I ran for my life as he chased me; 2) guy at a bus stop recognized me from my workplace and he followed me on the bus to my girlfriend's place and then on another bus back to my home and he started hanging around outside my workplace hoping to run into me. So yeah most of the time I'm hyper-aware of everything happening around me in public and you're right to be as well.

All. The. Time.

I have been able to intervene several times in situations that were about to go south.

This translates to driving too. I always assume everyone is about to do something dumb, it's saved my ass from several serious accidents.

Did you ever find anyone was following you? Or ever heard of a friend who was followed?

It surely happens but so do meteorite impacts and such cases make news because they're special. If it's not showing up in regional statistics (the nearest couple million people or so) and you don't even know a friend of a friend for whom checking would have been useful, I'd say it's unnecessary in the place where you are

Oooh! Oooh! What's that feeling, when you're walking in the dead of night along a road, and you hear a car approaching from behind? That feeling that you need to get off the road and hide? That has to have a name.

If someone has a weird vibe to them, I definitely check (discretely) what they are up to.

Other people might do it, but that doesn't mean that you're not paranoid.

I don't. I do make sure I'm not in a way of anyone. And I walk on purpose. I do check before opening/getting in the car.

What evidence do you have that there is crime in your neighborhood, have you seen any firsthand? How well do you know your neighbours and wider community, are they concerned about any threats? Worrying about something like this is not healthy. I can't imagine living somewhere I need to continually look over my shoulder.

Depends on the circumstances. If I'm walking on a street or neighborhood someone told me they got mugged on I'll be way more aware and observant than otherwise. Same if I'm walking in nature it's good to look behind regularly to be familiar with how the trail looks both ways so you don't get turned around on the way back or if there are large predators in the area. If I'm walking around my neighborhood I'll be much more selective about when I'm more observant because I know where the poorly lit areas and blind corners are, and more so at 2am than 2pm.

I don’t but I’m an old white dude

Yea pretty regularly, especially at night

As an adult man, occasionally. Probably once a day.