Asklemmy

That choosing a relationship with someone who is monkeybranching into the relationship with you directly from another relationship is you allowing someone in your life who is fundamentally dishonest and manipulative. It's one thing to be casually dating in general, and just finding someone you click with and ending it with the people you are casually dating, but entering a relationship with someone who pursues you even though they're in an ostensibly committed relationship is choosing to accept someone who is really not a good person, because they will just do whatever they want and eventually hurt you without a qualm too. Tolerating any of this means you are tolerating abuse, really.

Unfortunately he didn't tell me this fact until 18 months into it, but that should have been what made me realize that he wasn't trustworthy and leave then.

Also committing from the get go and falling in love? That's just also not valuing yourself. You're just looking for someone to fit into your life because you don't love yourself enough to wait and take your time and get to know someone, and you're afraid to be alone and have nobody to care for you. And I did all of that, because I was immature, completely without any idea of how to make it in life alone or cope alone, and I thought that was all I deserved and was the only way to be safe. And it was all wrong.

Being safe in my marriage wasn't the same as being happy. We didn't fight or argue, we didn't hate each other or even dislike each other. We didn't throw things at each other and scream at each other. After my childhood, I thought this was a happy healthy relationship. Turns out, we're great friends but we aren't in love. Now that I've discovered what happy, healthy AND in love is like, my mind is blown.

I never understood the comments from my friends that I didn't seem happy. I thought I was...

For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.

The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.

I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.

It's easy to do when we're all surrounded constantly by the paradox of money meaning nothing at all, but also the only material thing that dictates the action and activity of everything past and future

Biggest Pill I've had to swallow is that no matter much I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it. I'm slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all...

You can do everything right that people taught you. But you only start living when you make mistakes, fuck up, and find the places where you belong, and a picture perfect life doesn't bring you happiness; it's rather shallow and lonely.

That paired with the realization that my mental disabilities will make me lonely for the rest of my life and there's only so much I can do about it without having breakdowns.

Since no one on here will ever know me…

It’s accepting that I have autism and that having autism is ok. My mom used “autistic” as an insult against me, the first time I remember was from age 5 as an attempt to control behavior she saw as undesirable. Running circles outside until I wore the grass out and flapping my hands about was something I needed to feel ashamed about according to her. And so I hid that and everything else she criticized so hard that I couldn’t accept that the reason I struggled so hard with a lot of things in my life wasn’t because I was just some innate failure but because I had an unaddressed condition that was she not only refused to help with but actively made worse.

To this day I still cannot do things like make eye contact, or tolerate being touched. But I’ve learned to not only accept myself for who I am, but accept that little boy who never understood why his own mother never seemed to be able to love him.

That I didn't know who I was. My lack of self awareness hampered my growth trajectory, my maturity, and relationships. My first failed marriage was a pinnacle of this issue. Though, fast forward 5 years, I'm a vastly different person, know who I am and what I want and where I want to end up. I feel guilty for my ex wife and the impact I had on them. I hope they're happier where ever they may be.

That no matter how often people said it as a kid, I'm not capable of anything I put my mind to. I'm not smart, I'm very very mediocre at best, and my interests don't align with my capabilities so my only options for work are things I don't generally want to do.

I only really had 2 goals in life, a third developed later, and I've failed at all if them. I wanted to be in a loving relationship (going on 40 and have been single for the last decade), to not be the person who hates going to their job every day, and eventually I started wanting to own a home because I found that I need space for the hobbies I enjoyed. It's a Sinatra song right, 0 out of 3 ain't bad? Something like that... Lol

That I actually do have a bad temper and do get angry very easily, that my anger does not justify my verbal/physical reactions (nor was I 'right' just because I was angry) and that these reactions will hurt those I care about/those I don't care about but still didn't deserve my violence, which is a surefire way to end up in jail (perhaps) and in Hell (more likely).

For everyone who has similar issues, try to remember two things:

1. Ambiguous behaviour does not mean aggressive behaviour.
2. The flesh is weak. If you, in your anger, start a fight and perhaps just push someone and they crack their head and die/lose function, you'll never live it down, you will always be the guy who killed someone in anger (and not even righteous anger, you're just temperamental). And it can happen very quickly too! A good man cannot live with that, only a hell-bound one can, so either you'll be oppressed by your guilt or you'll realize you've lost your humanity and you're a full on psycho.

When people told me I was smart as a child/young adult, what they really meant was I was showcasing a skill they lacked, which the overwhelming majority of people don't give a shit about an adult having.

That life is truly a neverending struggle. Sure, you get to enjoy some of that struggle, and you can take a break every now and then. Nevertheless, the only time you're truly free from it is when you're dead.

No, I don't plan to end it immaturely. Please don't put me on suicide watch. I still have my people to take care of. 😅

I'm a bitter, angry, mfer and I need to chill out sometimes

For me it was the discovery that my parents were shitty people on the narcissism spectrum. I had no clue, because when you grow up in a toxic environment, it's your "normal" and all you know.

That trauma is not an identity and if I want to grow as a person I have to resolve that trauma and let go of the past.

That not only am I not a good person, it's mostly impossible for a person to be truly good. Even knowing what good is, in its entirety, is nigh impossible. The best that can be done isn't necessarily within my energy and/or skill.

There are wrongs that cannot meaningfully be righted.

Doing a little good some of the time is the most I can ever aspire to.

None of my hobbies will last as long as I want and thats okay

Pardon my language, though I heard this in an interview with Jimmy Carr, and it rather highlights this for me quite well:
I'm paraphrasing, though it was something like "if you've seen five cunts before noon, you're the cunt".

That just meaning well or having good intentions, are not enough. You need to actually show up and make time for the things, and people, you value.

Thinking of a great friend who had the courage to break up with me, and tell me straight up it's because I was a bad friend to them.

I've started noticing that I'm echoing some of the bad habits of my father, either behaviorally or genetically, I'm not sure which. I'm determined to never go down that path because I've seen what it's done to our family. I've made some changes that will hopefully head that off. If those don't help, there's always professional help.

Still, depressing to realize.

The realization of how truely alone I am when everything started collapsing after our house was sold and how my parents who supposedly were suppose to love me, don't love me and how I do have daddy issues because of this and I am not exactly as strong mentally as I thought of myself to be.

My ADD is far worse than I thought and I should have noticed that decades ago.

That I come from a highly dysfunctional family and my entire personality is a reaction to them. I knew they were dysfunctional but I was in denial about their impact. Connecting with my true self had been a bitch.

I need to get a grip when driving and not let others upset me so easily.

I realized at about 20 that I can really hurt people by trying to whitewash reality and sweep the bad away.

I also have a hard time making friends and then maintaining those relationships. Would like to get better, but apparently not enough to actually do so? We'll see. Life is searching.

The biggest pill was that I am not intelligent. I was just studious and invested enough time to pass exams. People not doing what they should do is not them being stupid but me not grasping the full picture.

The second biggest pill that I am still swallowing is that I am not a good person. I try to behave in a good way, but it's manipulative and not authentic. People don't like goodness if it doesn't come from the heart.

I only exist to care for the people I love, and without them I have nothing else to organize my life around.

I gotta spend less time on lemmy

Yes... quitting all your jobs and becoming homeless is much better then getting abused 80 hours a week by your 3 employers

But there can be a better way.

I really am kind of messy but it's because I work so much I don't have time to do anything properly at all. I always feel frantic.

That I wasted over a decade trying to figure out what was wrong with me on my own before I finally got professional help.

Alcohol isn't everyone's friend, I was an alcoholic at 18, and refused to acknowlege that fact and kept denying it in the face of all the evidence. When I finally asked for help and quit drinking at 45, I realised how much of a mess I'd made of my life. Thankfully I've been sober since (going on 7 years now). Addiction is not a joke people.

Anxiety and taking care of others before I take care of myself.

I'm horrible at acting in my own best interest and will say no to opportunities because i don't feel like i deserve it or that I'm capable of doing something.