Asklemmy

Being safe in my marriage wasn't the same as being happy. We didn't fight or argue, we didn't hate each other or even dislike each other. We didn't throw things at each other and scream at each other. After my childhood, I thought this was a happy healthy relationship. Turns out, we're great friends but we aren't in love. Now that I've discovered what happy, healthy AND in love is like, my mind is blown.

I never understood the comments from my friends that I didn't seem happy. I thought I was...

That just meaning well or having good intentions, are not enough. You need to actually show up and make time for the things, and people, you value.

Thinking of a great friend who had the courage to break up with me, and tell me straight up it's because I was a bad friend to them.

that ending a relationship that isn't working is also my responsibility, instead of postponing it, thinking "this time things will be alright" or "if i break up, everyone will think wrong of me" and letting dissatisfaction grow inside me, turning myself into an *sshole.

That choosing a relationship with someone who is monkeybranching into the relationship with you directly from another relationship is you allowing someone in your life who is fundamentally dishonest and manipulative. It's one thing to be casually dating in general, and just finding someone you click with and ending it with the people you are casually dating, but entering a relationship with someone who pursues you even though they're in an ostensibly committed relationship is choosing to accept someone who is really not a good person, because they will just do whatever they want and eventually hurt you without a qualm too. Tolerating any of this means you are tolerating abuse, really.

Unfortunately he didn't tell me this fact until 18 months into it, but that should have been what made me realize that he wasn't trustworthy and leave then.

Also committing from the get go and falling in love? That's just also not valuing yourself. You're just looking for someone to fit into your life because you don't love yourself enough to wait and take your time and get to know someone, and you're afraid to be alone and have nobody to care for you. And I did all of that, because I was immature, completely without any idea of how to make it in life alone or cope alone, and I thought that was all I deserved and was the only way to be safe. And it was all wrong.

Pardon my language, though I heard this in an interview with Jimmy Carr, and it rather highlights this for me quite well:
I'm paraphrasing, though it was something like "if you've seen five cunts before noon, you're the cunt".

That I wasted over a decade trying to figure out what was wrong with me on my own before I finally got professional help.

i've recently had to accept that my neurodivergence makes managers, supervisors, etc. uneasy about me despite my stellar track record and the sole reason why i was able to maintain continuous employment was because of my high demand skill set; which means that employment will become increasingly difficult as i continue to age.

Alcohol isn't everyone's friend, I was an alcoholic at 18, and refused to acknowlege that fact and kept denying it in the face of all the evidence. When I finally asked for help and quit drinking at 45, I realised how much of a mess I'd made of my life. Thankfully I've been sober since (going on 7 years now). Addiction is not a joke people.

When people told me I was smart as a child/young adult, what they really meant was I was showcasing a skill they lacked, which the overwhelming majority of people don't give a shit about an adult having.

That trauma is not an identity and if I want to grow as a person I have to resolve that trauma and let go of the past.

Im never going to get everything right. Allowing myself this allowed me to get some of the more important things right.

The biggest pill was that I am not intelligent. I was just studious and invested enough time to pass exams. People not doing what they should do is not them being stupid but me not grasping the full picture.

The second biggest pill that I am still swallowing is that I am not a good person. I try to behave in a good way, but it's manipulative and not authentic. People don't like goodness if it doesn't come from the heart.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Oddly, the thing that really finally made it click was playing the Sims, and I noticed my Sim would get up & grab a snack from the fridge every single time they were bored.

I'm a bitter, angry, mfer and I need to chill out sometimes

Yes... quitting all your jobs and becoming homeless is much better then getting abused 80 hours a week by your 3 employers

But there can be a better way.

That I come from a highly dysfunctional family and my entire personality is a reaction to them. I knew they were dysfunctional but I was in denial about their impact. Connecting with my true self had been a bitch.

I realized at about 20 that I can really hurt people by trying to whitewash reality and sweep the bad away.

I also have a hard time making friends and then maintaining those relationships. Would like to get better, but apparently not enough to actually do so? We'll see. Life is searching.

For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.

The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.

I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.

I gotta spend less time on lemmy

That I actually do have a bad temper and do get angry very easily, that my anger does not justify my verbal/physical reactions (nor was I 'right' just because I was angry) and that these reactions will hurt those I care about/those I don't care about but still didn't deserve my violence, which is a surefire way to end up in jail (perhaps) and in Hell (more likely).

For everyone who has similar issues, try to remember two things:

1. Ambiguous behaviour does not mean aggressive behaviour.
2. The flesh is weak. If you, in your anger, start a fight and perhaps just push someone and they crack their head and die/lose function, you'll never live it down, you will always be the guy who killed someone in anger (and not even righteous anger, you're just temperamental). And it can happen very quickly too! A good man cannot live with that, only a hell-bound one can, so either you'll be oppressed by your guilt or you'll realize you've lost your humanity and you're a full on psycho.

I've started noticing that I'm echoing some of the bad habits of my father, either behaviorally or genetically, I'm not sure which. I'm determined to never go down that path because I've seen what it's done to our family. I've made some changes that will hopefully head that off. If those don't help, there's always professional help.

Still, depressing to realize.

Just because I've been in relationships for years doesn't mean I'm any good at them 😬

I need to get a grip when driving and not let others upset me so easily.

The realization of how truely alone I am when everything started collapsing after our house was sold and how my parents who supposedly were suppose to love me, don't love me and how I do have daddy issues because of this and I am not exactly as strong mentally as I thought of myself to be.

It's easy to do when we're all surrounded constantly by the paradox of money meaning nothing at all, but also the only material thing that dictates the action and activity of everything past and future

Biggest Pill I've had to swallow is that no matter much I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it. I'm slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all...

It was an incredibly large antibiotic pill because I didn’t want to shower (it took away from reading) and I got impetigo.

You can do everything right that people taught you. But you only start living when you make mistakes, fuck up, and find the places where you belong, and a picture perfect life doesn't bring you happiness; it's rather shallow and lonely.

That paired with the realization that my mental disabilities will make me lonely for the rest of my life and there's only so much I can do about it without having breakdowns.