this post was submitted on 13 Feb 2025
618 points (99.5% liked)

The Onion

5121 readers
1159 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
all 41 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 hours ago

Why is this on the onion if its true?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 hours ago

I thought bamboo was grass not wood

[–] [email protected] 12 points 15 hours ago

I always crack up at the nonchalant "sources confirm" in this kind of article.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 day ago

Wait until you learn about the mycotoxins that can accumulate in wood.

[–] [email protected] 128 points 1 day ago (1 children)

... Oh, it's treated wood? Never mind. RIP.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago

well, it depends

If the wood used to make the spoon has been treated with chemical agents, it can potentially cause cancer as well.

[–] [email protected] 36 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Yeah, but it just soaked up bacteria in the sink…

[–] earphone843 63 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Actually, the capillary action of wood is antibacterial. It dehydrates the cells and they die.

Wood cutting boards are more hygienic than plastic.

[–] piccolo 22 points 1 day ago (4 children)

Where else am i to get my required daily dose of microplastic?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 9 hours ago

Car tire dust. Most of the plastic in your body comes from car tires

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Just inhale. Especially if you are in a closed environment without proper ventilation. Many clothing are made with synthetic fiber blends, so there is plastic micro fibers in every home.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

You can choose not to buy polyester clothing. Most of mine is cotton.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 hours ago

Ah, but car tires are the #1 cause of microplastic pollution and in the US there aren't any cities that are car free

[–] Reverendender 7 points 1 day ago

Drinking water?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago

Eating animals and plants

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Yep, read an article about not applying finish to cutting boards for this reason.

Also found out open grain woods might be better at preventing bacteria from building up, was always told the opposite.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Maybe at first, but I don't want my cutting board sucking food juices for years.

[–] captain_aggravated 3 points 8 hours ago

Woodworker here: This is why wooden cutting boards are coated with an ingestion safe oil or paste wax before use. Prevents significant fluid ingress. Then hand wash it and stand it vertically to air dry.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 15 hours ago* (last edited 15 hours ago) (1 children)

I just wish my partner wouldn't leave wooden chopping boards or spoons soaking in water overnight. Want to get a somewhat decent one but I know it's inevitable.

Maybe I should just buy some nice hardwood board and cut one to size and use that as a choppig board. A lot cheaper than buying something labelled as a chopping board.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

Find a local wood shop and ask if they have any hardwood scrap pieces. I got a bunch of small pieces of red oak for free that work great as a cutting board

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 hours ago* (last edited 4 hours ago)

I don't even know what a wood shop would look like. B&Q or Wickes sell timber but I think it's a fairly limited selection, mostly just different size/shapes of softwoods.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago (1 children)

At press time, sources confirmed moisture within the wooden spoon had caused Davies to contract a drug-resistant and potentially fatal fungal infection.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Heh, I didn’t read the article! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[–] [email protected] -4 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

Why use more words when less work? (I know it's the actual title of the article, no offense towards you, op).

[–] [email protected] 5 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

It's newspaper title logic, it's been a thing forever. It was too save space back where every letter counted.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 13 hours ago

Yeah. Sorry, I was just being dumb. As I said nothing against OP.

[–] WoodScientist 15 points 1 day ago

And they called me mad for doing the work I do. MWHAHA!

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Splinters could cause small wounds in the lips or tongue. Over time, there will be a slight increase in cancer risk. Also, cancer needs nutrients to grow, so anything that helps you to eat could eventually lead to cancer. Better to wither away than aid your cells in growing and dividing, I always say.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Indeed, being a multicellular organism usually means you're either pre-cancer or already have tumors that have not yet become malignant.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago
[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Intruder that broke into his house, snapped the wooden spoon in half and impaled him with it.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

This comment gave me cancer

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago

An intruder named Van Helsing?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 0 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago) (1 children)

"wooden spoon only thing... that not giving him cancer"

it should be that is not / that's not / not. 'that not' is nonsense with a singular subject.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Whatchu talkin bout willis?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 15 hours ago

you're right, that looks like i had a stroke

headline should read "Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man's Life Not Giving Him Cancer". "That not giving" is grammatically incorrect.