this post was submitted on 28 Oct 2024
749 points (98.6% liked)

Greentext

4433 readers
1189 users here now

This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
 
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 223 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Tell her that her nose looks too perfect, problem solved

[–] Goldmage263 117 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Exactly. They fumbled hard. "It has to be your ____, there's no way it turned out that good naturally."

[–] [email protected] 177 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

My autistic ass would be like "Nope no clue sorry, whatever it was, they a good surgeon 👍"

[–] [email protected] 75 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

Neurotypical here - that's the correct response.

[–] [email protected] 33 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

ADHD here, it’s one of two. The other is to guess bottom surgery/sex reassignment to teach her what sort of prizes she can expect from playing stupid games. Yeah you’re burning that bridge, but that’s a bridge worth burning

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 136 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

"Your nose is your cutest feature, that's why I chose it" is the correct response

[–] [email protected] 108 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

"Not like those ugly-ass ears. They really screwed those up, huh?"

[–] [email protected] 34 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is really fucked up.

(this one is so stupid and obviously inappropriate that I laugh each time I imagine someone saying it)

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 72 points 3 weeks ago (5 children)
[–] [email protected] 53 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

"You seemed like a person who would have a wizard's sleeve situation down there."

"Wtf it was my ears"

"So is the situation down there not fixed or what do you mean?"

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 15 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 weeks ago (9 children)
load more comments (9 replies)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] [email protected] 65 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

Do the following:
First, say something along the lines of: "That is very difficult. On the one hand, you are so astonishingly beautiful that all features of you could be made by a master craftsman. On the other hand, as I am a person of faith, you could also be just God's most perfect creation.
Either way, would you excuse me a second while I go to refresh in the bathroom?"

Then you sneak out of the bathroom window because by the glorious lord Satan himself, you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who insists you do something after you refuse

[–] [email protected] 41 points 3 weeks ago

"that is very difficult, one the one hand you are so astonishingly beautiful that all features of you could be made by a master craftsmanship, on the other hand, as I am a person of faith, you could also be just God's most perfect creation.
Either way, would you excuse me a second while I go to refresh in the bathroom?"

[–] [email protected] 16 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Better answer: Don't put up with toxic games

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 50 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

smh could have guessed she was born with a tail, missed opportunity

[–] [email protected] 37 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

If I was born with a tail and found out my parents had it removed I'd be mad as hell.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Human tails are kind of a thing and doctors do remove them. But it's not a glorious tiger tail or anything, it's like a stub, it's an outgrowth of the coccyx, which is literally a vestigial tail.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

If my tail wouldn't be prehensile, then I'd want it remove too. It's a sartorial mess with no upside.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 42 points 3 weeks ago

"It looks perfect! That's why I thought you had work done!"

[–] [email protected] 41 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

she clearly wants you to compliment her natural features, play along citizen.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 weeks ago (7 children)

How would anyone be supposed to know that?

Also isn't asking for compliments generally a bad thing?

load more comments (7 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 31 points 3 weeks ago (4 children)

"They must have clipped off your wings, because you look like an angel."

[–] [email protected] 29 points 3 weeks ago
[–] [email protected] 20 points 3 weeks ago (3 children)

"Or like some sort of succubus devil thing, I dunno."

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Horn removal and chopped off a spiky tail lol

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

"Speaking of which...did it hurt when you broke through the Earth's crust while ascending from hell?"

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 weeks ago

Did it hurt, when they clipped your wings and you took 1000d6 falling damage, m'lady?

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 weeks ago

Since when was Anakin Skywalker on lemmy?

[–] [email protected] 29 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Insist, not to pick something then. You can easily explain that it's a lose-lose: either something is wrong with a natural body part or they didn't do a good job. And both of you feel bad afterwards.

[–] [email protected] 26 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

"Your boobs?"
"My boobs?!"
"Yeah, they look greeeeeeeat" *deliver as Tony the Tiger*

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 25 points 3 weeks ago

“Oooh, I don’t know. Maaaaybeee your lips, because I can’t stop looking at them. But if you did, then your doctor is really good.

Deliver it light and kind of flirty and she’s not thinking about whatever trap that question is, she’s thinking about how you just told her you want to kiss her.

If it’s for any other reason - making sure an insecurity is unknown, wanting to springboard into a conversation, wanting to see how you react if she baits you into saying something dumb, or even having her own flirty line to deliver about it - she’ll probably get to it. Assuming you haven’t wooed her into a voracious make out session.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 3 weeks ago

Sounds like trouble is they ever get into a relationship.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

"Honestly? You look so naturally beautiful I couldn't begin to guess. But if I had to, I'd say your most captivating thing about you is your eyes. Are they the real deal or someone fashion them from starlight?"

[–] [email protected] 24 points 3 weeks ago

You should write for Hallmark movies.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

idk i'm just going to pull the "dont know don't care, card." lol

[–] [email protected] 19 points 3 weeks ago

"Did they do work on your face to make you less cute? Because I think they botched it."

[–] [email protected] 19 points 3 weeks ago

" Well, I know it isnt all that stuff that clearly needs work"

[–] [email protected] 17 points 3 weeks ago

"The left one?"

[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 weeks ago

I’d say something dumb like, “Why would you only have work done on one breast, that’s weird.” Though I guess there’s situations with breast cancer and mastectomies and such, but plastic surgery on boobs would be my immediate first guess, not even considering what else might be done.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

(I have another response.)
Lean away, give her a long look, and gaze deep into her eyes. Tilt your head slightly to the side.

“…. dad?”

In the stunned silence, because she never expected you to be right, tell her that you didn’t think you would see her again after she disappeared on her way to get cigarettes all those years ago.

And then put your hand on her thigh and say “I’ve missed you daddy” with wide eyes.

Gets ‘em every time.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (3 children)

The correct answer is: “I can’t tell, you are naturally beautiful”

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 weeks ago

I'm pretty sure the correct answer is (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻)

And storm off

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 weeks ago

“You had a concerning mole removed from your thigh”

[–] brotundspiele 9 points 3 weeks ago

I don't care that you used to be a dude, but I must say, the surgeon did an amazing job.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 weeks ago

Women: asks you to critically investigate their body.

OP: chose to not to take the hint.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

For anyone scrolling far enough to read this, all of the correct answers for this, follow the same formula. Statement about how you cannot tell leading into a compliment about their looks.

This can be reversed, complimenting they're looks, and lead into that it is impossible to tell.

Unless she looks like the wicked witch of the west, like one girl I knew. She had surgery at some point, and I only knew her after that happened. I am not exaggerating with that reference.

Bluntly, I couldn't have cared less. Things didn't work out for completely unrelated reasons.

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›