this post was submitted on 08 May 2024
418 points (98.8% liked)

Not The Onion

12426 readers
32 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] [email protected] 312 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

literally had brainworms

which literally starved in his head

good grief you couldn't pay me to admit that shit

[–] [email protected] 74 points 6 months ago (1 children)

This would all be so much funnier if I lived on a space station

[–] [email protected] 10 points 6 months ago

Don't forget the mercury poisoning!

[–] [email protected] 162 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Poor guy starved to death.

[–] [email protected] 98 points 6 months ago (1 children)

The doctor believed that the abnormality seen on his scans “was caused by a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died,” Kennedy said in the deposition.

Or fatal food poisoning.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 6 months ago (2 children)

"this one, unpalatable, even with chianti and flava beans." - Hannibal Lecter

[–] [email protected] 10 points 6 months ago

*Flava Flav beans

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] [email protected] 129 points 6 months ago (5 children)

the 70-year-old Kennedy has portrayed his athleticism and relative youth as an advantage over the two oldest people to ever seek the White House

A 70 year old is the young guy? That's nuts

[–] [email protected] 59 points 6 months ago

Well he does have Junior in his name

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] [email protected] 121 points 6 months ago (2 children)

Poor thing probably starved to death.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 6 months ago

Top tier roast

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago

I switched to a garlic shampoo.

[–] [email protected] 106 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Asked last week if any of Kennedy’s health issues could compromise his fitness for the presidency, Stefanie Spear, a spokesperson for the Kennedy campaign, told the Times, “That is a hilarious suggestion, given the competition.”

That's hard to argue with tbh.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Dead Worm for a brain Kennedy, shitting himself Traitor-Trump and I can't see anything wrong with Netanjahu Biden, what a party.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 6 months ago

A senile traitor, an ethically-dubious dinosaur, and a man with a hole in his brain walk into a bar—sorry, did I say bar? I meant poll.

[–] [email protected] 48 points 6 months ago

The weird thing was it wasn't even a parasitic worm, it was just a regular earth worm.

[–] [email protected] 39 points 6 months ago

He's got a lot on his mind..and, well, in it.

[–] [email protected] 39 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

His brain is so toxic that the unfortunate worm died of poisoning.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 6 months ago

Maybe that was literally the case, he apparently had mercury poisoning at around the same time.

It's starting to sound like a retelling of the old lady who swallowed the fly.

Someone needs to invite /u/Poem_for_your_sprog to Lemmy.

[–] [email protected] 36 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (3 children)

The worm was dead. He's an idiot that thinks ivermectin cures covid. Fucker got lucky and accidentally treated his at the time undiagnosed brainworms.

[–] anindefinitearticle 38 points 6 months ago (2 children)

The worm was found a decade before COVID. It’s just being disclosed now.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago

Oh interesting.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago

The whole comment still flourishes as satire

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] [email protected] 33 points 6 months ago

Well, that explains some things.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 6 months ago

Not even mind flayers want RFK Jr.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 6 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 23 points 6 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 months ago
[–] [email protected] 19 points 6 months ago
[–] [email protected] 17 points 6 months ago

"If that had been a properly FDA-inspected brain, that worm may not have died." - someone's youtube comment

[–] [email protected] 12 points 6 months ago

Believable.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 6 months ago

That wasn't a worm in his brain. That WAS his brain.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 6 months ago

Oh my god brainworms are real

[–] [email protected] 9 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Reasons not to eat meat omg.

"Some tapeworm larvae can live in a human brain for years without causing problems. Others can wreak havoc, often when they start to die, which causes inflammation. The most common symptoms are seizures, headaches and dizziness. ADVERTISEMENT

There are roughly 2,000 hospitalizations for the condition, known as neurocysticercosis, each year in the United States, according to the journal Emerging Infectious Diseases.

Scott Gardner, curator of the Manter Laboratory for Parasitology at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, said once any worm is in a brain, cells calcify around it. “And you’re going to basically have almost like a tumor that’s there forever. It’s not going to go anywhere.”"

[–] [email protected] 27 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Did you shout ADVERTISEMENT in the middle of your comment?

[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 months ago

Yeah I’m not so sure about BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE this brain worm stuff.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago

More like the found a parasitic RFK on a tapeworm.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago

Several infectious disease experts and neurosurgeons said in separate interviews with the Times that, based on what Kennedy described, they believed it was likely a pork tapeworm larva.

You can only get a tapeworm eating pork

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago (3 children)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago

That makes so much sense.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago

That explains a lot.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago

He is the Mezcal of candidates.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago

That explains SOME of the things.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago

Anyone seen Kahn lurking around?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago

A very strange place for one.

load more comments
view more: next ›