FourteenEyes

I violated my oath and I've failed you all

The rent is too damn high, can't have shit in California

They're gonna bury me with my badge

For some reason the tag post didn't work last time and the thread didn't get stickied. I want to get this going again, and rather than agonizing over the perfect wording of a new chapter post, I want to re-post this one and see if we can't get a spotlight on it this time.

WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6

PRIOR THREADS:

• Introduction
• Chapter One
• Chapter Two
• Chapter Three
• Catch-up/Revival

So again, been a minute. I've been dealing with a lot of shit, and kept putting this off because I really didn't want to half-ass it. So I guess I'm using three quarters of my ass here.

In chapter 4, Dr. Price goes over the various flawed ways masked autistics keep themselves going just to function, and how incredibly debilitating the effects of all this are. Namely substance abuse, eating disorders, detachment/disassociation, adherence to rigid belief systems, and fawning/people-pleasing. I've experienced all of these to some degree or another myself, and have been working extremely hard to find my way out of the dark forest. I keep bumping into trees (social problems).

Anyway, Dr Price talks about how booze and weed are seen as gateways to social acceptance since it makes you more relaxed and people expect "goofy" behavior out of the inebriated. Eating disorders allow us to be focused on being thin and pretty, or else just burying our feelings under a mountain of junk food, or binging and purging -- anything to seize some control. Detachment/disassociation allow us to function, technically, even when internally we just have to shut down and carry on with what we're doing. Rigid belief systems? Very good way to easily sort out "good" and "bad" things and people. Fawning? Something every socially successful autistic person has fallen back on at some point as reflexive self-defense, but also a strategy people lean into to be liked (but not respected).

The reasons for these behaviors are pretty plain to see, as is the damage they do to us. This one resonated with me a lot; I'll have to take some time to write out my thoughts in full later on, but I wanted to get this one posted because I've been putting it off long enough. Discussion questions:

• As usual, any passages or quotes that really stick out to you? Anything confusing or enlightening?
• What flawed coping strategies have you used to get through life? What has it cost you?
• Are you still struggling with any of these? Are you starting to realize you're struggling and just didn't notice the specific way yet?

Tag post to follow, my own thoughts later on.

It's a Commodore 64-styled game that's very much Ultima meets HP Lovecraft (the horrors from outer space part, not the racism part)

The ending was, uh, not what it sets you up to expect. It was rather shocking, and felt appropriately Lovecraftian. Either way, it's got me itching for more of this stuff, and I might look into playing Ultima 7, assuming there's a decent modernization of it out there. This game left me wanting more. Which I guess is a good endorsement.

So therefore this misery I'm feeling which took about a day and a half to set back in after getting back to work is just my normal, my every day, which is deeply fucked up and very typical of my entire life and I'm so tired of always feeling miserable and moving forward despite endlessly broken promises of a better life just around the corner

I feel like I am crumbling and falling apart every day and am tired of putting myself back together so lately I guess I'm just... not doing that anymore. I've been crying a lot every day for the past few days, due in part to the fact that I have this dental emergency to think about, partially because of the 20,000 dollars my grandma left me last year I have $950 left, wiped out in equal measure by medical costs, car repairs, weed, overspending on food, and some vacations I could have saved up better for.

I turned 38 a few weeks ago. I've never left home, never had a degree, never had a girlfriend, never had more friends than I could count on one hand. I have no social life and I feel like I have no future, and have never been in control of my life. I feel at times like I'm carrying out a prison sentence for a crime I have no memory of committing, like this life is a punishment for something horrible I did in a prior life, a karmic experience of near-total isolation and failure and unending pain and disappointment, with hope only ever being a cruel lie that's yanked from my grasp every time I come close to it.

I really just don't know what to do anymore and kind of want to just sit here where I am and slowly crumble into dust. I'm so tired.