Iβd walk to a lemonade stand to see if they had any grapes.
this post was submitted on 25 Nov 2023
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Then (and I cannot emphasize this enough) I'd waddle away.
Till the very next day?
It's been 84 years...
Put on a blue cap, blue nautical shirt; but, and I can't stress this enough, NO PANTS.
But for gods sake, wrap yourself in a towel after you shower.
Hand cover your crotch if someone walks in on you
FLY!
Damn, 3 hour old post and no one said FLY!? Yaβall need to be ducks more oftenβ¦
This guy ducks
Autocorrect has its moment of glory!
Open a wine bottle, maybe? Put the corkscrew to use.
"Bro, you see that duck over there? It stole my wine bottle"
"Do you want it back? It's already open now." "You know what? I think I'll pass."
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Pick one person at a time and speak to them in human language. In some cases it will be to give them a special magical friend, in other cases it will be to cause them to question their sanity.
Then I'd get to seeing about this whole corkscrew dick thing.
For those who are unfamiliar, let me introduce you to Howard the Duck (really the first movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe).
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Got any grapes?
Head downtown & act cute until a college girl adopts me as her pet. Duck-nuzzle some boobies.
I would learn to fly and then fly to one of those parks where secret service agents meet. Become a spy and sell the intelligence I gather.
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Check if my quack has an echo
- explain the whole thing to my partner and ask them to protect me.
Failing that:
-
carefully waddle to where I know people feed ducks
-
practice flying and copy other ducks
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ask other ducks for tips
Peace was never an option.
Find /u/fuckswithducks
Iβd float around in the water as my body would now resemble a boat.
I find someone with a corkscrew fetish.
Cover my feathers in wax like substance from my ass glands. Once I'm all waxed up I go for a swim.
Pretty sure I'd drop my phone.
Fly into the sunset.
Betray my country.
Probably contacting some media outlets to try and monetize my talking-duck status, and wondering if if my life expectancy is on par with duck or human.
Do you want to end up being dissected in a government lab? Because that's how you get dissected in a government lab.
I would have an exploding corkscrew penis. I'll find ways to entertain myself.
Probably make a poo on the floor.
Either mine or in the hallway (if I know how to open the door).
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Probably open up my phone and pull up youtube to watch some duck documentaries. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be eating or what things out there are usually wanting to eat me.
There are some really good "I just woke up as a duck" tutorials on Coursera.
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Iβd head straight to Subway for my free sandwich!
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