Aliens: Sorry but we don't need anybody for... whatever it is you do. Now get in the mass harvester.
this post was submitted on 30 May 2025
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If we ever get invaded by aliens, we'll just be their lab rats. They won't enslave us, because not efficient. They ain't here for our resources, that's the lamest thing to do. They ain't coming here to erase us from existence, because the universe is mostly void, so our existence doesn't matter to them, we occupy insignificant space in that.
They might want the resources of earth.
There is also a chance they might want to hunt and/or rape us for the fun of it.
Nothing material on earth you can't find everywhere else, the only things we have that aren't incredibly plentiful elsewhere are earths unique biology and human culture. Both of which can also be obtained without us ever knowing about it. The only logical reason to invade is ideological so if we ever meet hostile aliens they're either genocidal zealots or a bunch of sadists.
Lots of assumptions there, let's hope if it ever happens that they are less douchebags that we are
Ye Wenjie is that you?
book two: do not make a peep, never let anyone in the universe know you exist
spoilers:
book three: we made a group chat with all the intelligent life in the universe, wanna hit restart a fuck up s new universe with multiple time dimensions?
I have this fantasy often. Aliens come in, and are like
"Whilst we find the creative potential of your species commendable, the Gini Coefficient of your Planet is too high for you to join our Federation. Please rectify."
And then every month they just post the names and active addresses of all the wealthiest people on the planet, until the Gini Index goes down. The implementation of this transition is left as an exercise to the reader.
I’ve seen too many alien-themed horror movies to buy into the “aliens are gonna be Vulcans” trope. I think it’s more likely that we see one of many variations on the “aliens are unknowable horrifying parasites that will consume/transform all life on the planet to suit themselves.”
I live in the hope that they're so evolved that they literally need nothing from us, and just want to preserve the ants nest of humanity as an anthropological curiosity
I like the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy version: Earth has been scheduled for demolition by the Vogons in what really amounts to be an interstellar boondoggle!
My dream is for The Culture to stop by for a visit. They just scan everything and make digital copies of the entire civilization's total output, become fans of our TV shows, dance to our music, read our books, learn our entire history, then disguise themselves as humans to come down to see the real thing for themselves, view our natural wonders, party hard, and do little things to help us fix ourselves.
ISTR that canonically, Earth is under non-interference by The Culture (except for Special Circumstances) as a "control group".
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Space hippies!!!
If a civilization that has mastered FTL shows up we are fucked. The best odds for survival are jumping to their side because they could destroy us easily. Maybe we'll get lucky and it will be a civilization of space amazons who want to use us for sex stuff.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is bruised and spongy.
Death by snu snu!
The aliens:
If we get invaded by aliens, I'm immediately defecating.
Should have worn the brown pants.
Good thinking. The probe goes in easier when you empty you bowels.
No shit
yes shit
Oh shit!
Tough shit.
Easy shit
I see what you did there
I'm just here for the discounts on probing.
How nice! I’m sure they’ll let him live as their obedient dog
Interstellar bootlicking
Yep I'm defecting. A third of my own countrymen hate me, so fuck 'em. Gimme the alien tech.
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