Ask Lemmy

Just tell her you don't want to meet up and why. Save her the headache of thinking you're even remotely interested in being her friend.

I'm not a fan of kids either. But hey...guess what? Not being willing to put on your big boy pants and suck it up for an hour is the very definition of "being a selfish asshole".

The fact that the first thing you talk about is how those kids are "going to be the focus of the occasion" (your words), shows that what you lack isn't "enthusiasm about catching up with someone". What you lack is basic human empathy.

I don’t know you so these words aren’t meant to be hurtful, but I wouldn’t want to be your friend.

It sounds like you have nothing in common and aren’t actually interested in their life or you’d be interested in the kids.

The best part is you suggested the coffee shop lol.

Honestly just learn to say no if you don’t want to do something. It might be awkward but it’ll save embarrassment, wasted time and maybe even hurt in the end.

Why waste time spending time with someone you don't care about?

If it was a friend, that'd be a different story. The kids aren't even a part of the decision here.

One of the things that absolutely sucks donkey balls about being a new parent is that half your friends just totally ghost you and done want to deal with the complications of your kids, which it sounds like your friend is dealing with.

Definitely hanging out in a coffee shop with a bored toddler is not a recipe for a good time, which I guess your friend has not discovered hard enough yet. The other person suggesting hanging out at a park instead is on to something. Or just anywhere else where the kid has something to do besides sit down and shut up, which generally they won’t.

She's gonna think you're an asshole. Who cares what we think?

yeah

She's handling two kids under five years old?

You're not 'showing up for coffee' you're providing a needed mental health break.

You're not wrong for wanting to avoid a situation because of the potential of screaming children, but it's important to remember that, with parents, it's a package deal. To avoid overstimulation, try and go to a park for the first meeting. Like get coffee and go to a place with a playground where the toddler can run wild, and the 6 month can be in a stroller or rocker. Being outside vs bring in a building where screams can echo, makes a big difference.

Something that helps me hang-outs with my friends who have kids, is remembering that screaming children are inevitable... but most of the time, I'm not enjoying the company of my friends alongside the random, misbehaving ones. This time, you can make a friend.

You're an AH for this unnecessary detail in particular:

she's had two babies by two different guys.

Just admit you're not friends. That's fine and doesn't make you an AH. Getting all puritanical over something that does not impact your life does.

You may not be an AH, but you don't sound that interested in being actual friends. Don't bother wasting her time.

You're fine. I used to think I hated kids until my friends had kids who were awesome and I realized that I hate bad parents. These kids are too young for anything to imprint. You're right that they'll dominate the conversation out of necessity. You don't want to put yourself in such a situation for someone on your periphery of interest and that's fine.

People complain that you're a bad person for not being terribly interested in her life, but she's not a part of yours and you're entertaining the idea that maybe you could have a nice time. As an introvert, I think you're doing a good job of remaining open to the possibility that there could be a solid friendship forming. Even if not that, at least it might be a nice time once.

Others are being assholes. You're fine.

I don't have advice for how to position that you only want to meet one on one, but I don't think you're a bad person for wanting that. It's not like I would want my buddy's 14yo kid to come to record night this weekend. He's a nice kid, but this is time for the middle-aged men to hang out.

I think you'd be an asshole for accepting an invite to visit with someone you clearly don't care about anymore who also now has infant/children who you don't want to see.

In the few years since we spoke she’s had two babies by two different guys.

Flavor text, or judgemental? If you disapprove of her life choices possibly quite strongly, then yes please don't bother this woman.

Anyways, you won't an asshole if you just let that already dead friendship stay dead. I dislike children enough to seek out sterilization, so I get it.

Seek out like-minded friends instead and you'll be all good.

I can only keep up the charade around my niece and nephew for our bi-monthly supper visits. I'm a good uncle for ~6-12 hours a month lol that's my limit.

Yes you’re the AH. Even taking the kids out of the equation and you’re framing this as what you can get out of this meeting. That’s not a friend. Why not just say no.

She said that we should get coffee and catch up properly, and I was sort of down, although I'm not really that enthusiastic about catching up with someone I've frankly not thought about in a few years.

Yeah sod what the other party thinks s as long as you’re getting something out of it. I see this as wasting her time on someone who isn’t appreciative of it.

Also, why mention baby daddies?

Yes and you're not her friend.

If the crying of a 6 month old baby is enough to ruin the reunion for you, then maybe you're both better off if you cancel this appointment.

No, but it means you're probably not really a friend anymore. If you're good with that, everything's jake.

Wow, a lot of salty parents in this thread

If you don't want to meet her with the kids, there's little point in meeting her at all. You aren't going to be hanging out regularly because she will have kids that need to be tended, so why push.

As a parent, we only hang out with other parents at this point, and generally only those that we have developed a relationship with via kids activities (school, sports, etc) because it's much easier to maintain that relationship when you see them 2-3 times a week for here, or can schedule a lunch/dinner before or after the mutual here that you know you will both be attending.

A bit yeah.

I don't think so, but I don't like kids. Like even a little bit; they're loud, annoying, and tend to give me headaches. Hell, I didn't like kids when I was one.

You're not friends, you gotta own up and admit that to yourself and her.

I don’t think it makes you an asshole, it just means you’re not that interested in seeing her or really don’t like kids. Probably a combination of both. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of those things.

If the kids are the dealbreaker then your options are 1. Decline and lie about why, 2. Decline and tell her why, 3. Just suck it up and do it to save face. Personally I think 1 sounds unnecessarily complicated and you should just do whichever you prefer of 2 or 3.

NTA. You can’t expect much quality “catching up” with a toddler and a baby around. That’s not your fault.

The important part is to be sensitive to her feelings. Be honest and say that you’re uncomfortable around kids. She may not be in a position to leave the kids with someone else. Being a single mom can be pretty damn stressful and lonely, but if you’re not okay with kids, then she needs to respect your feelings, too. Let her down gently. Be kind.

You tell her that you want to see her, but without the kids

It sounds like you don't want to see her in the first place, and if you don't have a close enough relationship to be able to say that you don't want the kids there, then I'd be asking why you would have coffee with them at all

It's tricky, and I wish you good luck!

I've had friends tell me about the same thing happening to them. One particular friend tried to call another one who had become a mom (it was planned) and the mom gave the phone to the kid. The friend politely told them that they wanted to talk to them, not the kid and asked whether there was a better time to call. It went over well.

People really can be quite touchy about their kids, but you can be direct, it's not like it would change much for you. Just say that you're not really a baby person and would enjoy the time talking to her. Ask her if there's a date and time that's convenient for her without the kids. If she gets offended, then that's her problem and you can write her off. If she's understanding, that's great!

Do a Video call? I mean at least then the kids can't physically annoy you.

My parents do video calls with relatives in different cities, and even to different countries.

If the kids are screaming in the background, you can then just easily find some excuse to end the call early.

Look, I'm honestly the same way. I'm bad with kids, I don't do well around them, and to me they're annoying. I'm the same way, my friends before and after kids are two separate people. Everyone says "that is what life does though", well, yeah, but I liked my friends.

So for you, it sounds like it already happened but you just need to decide if they're still friends. There's exactly 2 that I stayed friends with after they had kids, and it's because I don't want to lose their friendship and also they have very polite kids.

So, you're not an asshole for not wanting to see them. However, you also need to acknowledge they're not the same person with kids, and they aren't going to just ignore their kids to be friends with you. Expecting that is asshole behavior. Just get friends without kids