What did the liar say?
It will all be okay.
this post was submitted on 13 Jan 2025
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What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam
From Letterkenny: "What's a Mennonite's favourite kind of raisin? Barn raisin."
Your mom 😎
It doesn't even have to be contextually relevant
When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings... is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it's sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he'd be a successful doctor:
"If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can't, we pay you $1,000."
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial button immediately. The guy didn't even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: "Sir, I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doc: "Blawrgh! This is gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days -- he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: "Sir, I have lost my memory."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doc: "What, no! That's gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days
he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: "Sir, I've gone blind."
Engineer: disappointed "Well, unfortunately I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000."
Doc: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Why do astronauts use Linux on the International Space Station? Because you can't open windows in Space.
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Barman asks why he's got a steering wheel down his pants.
'Yarrr, it's driving me nuts'
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They're both purple, except for Santa.
I went to a zoo recently and it was just a dog.It was a shitzu.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What's brown and red and sticky?
Another bloody stick.
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
When’s the best time to visit a dentist?
Any time before tooth-hurty (2:30) p.m.
What's the difference between zombies?
Zombies make honey and zombies don't.
Apparently I'm too stupid to get even a stupid joke.
Say "zombies" aloud and it kind of sounds like "some bees."
Yeah, I figured it out an embarrassing amount of time later.
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Two muffins are in an oven.
One goes, "It sure is hot in here."
The other muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
This is my casual go to, love freaking out as the second muffin.
Most of my dumb jokes don't work in English, but here's some that do:
- A Buddhist goes to the hot dog stall. What does he ask for? "Make me one with everything."
- You heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted some space!
After handing the hot dog vendor money, the Buddhist asks for change.
The hot dog vendor replies, "Ah, but change comes from within."
The Buddhist then pulls a gun out from beneath his robes and points it at the hot dog vendor. The vendor exclaims, 'I thought all Buddhists were peaceful!' The monk then says, 'Every monk carries with him his inner piece.'
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What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
(Say it aloud.)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow to no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with eight legs?
A spider.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no i-dear.
That really made me laugh, then I told it to my husband and had even more fun, I was crying/laughing. Thank you. XD
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I didn’t invent this but I was really proud that I ‘got’ this readers digest joke from the bathroom copy when I was 10? and it’s stuck with me.
Person A is on the elevator and Person B gets on
Person A: “You look like Helen Brown”
Person B: “You don’t look so good in black either”
Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd's in his name?
A: Because without them he'd be called Ewar Woowar.
There were two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"
It's green and goes downhill. A skiwi.
Whenever my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
Knock knock Who's there? Cows Cows who? No, OWLS hoo. Cows moo!
What's the difference between a duck?
It swims faster than it walks.
And the similarities:
Both feet are the same size, especially the left.
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What do you call an elephant that you can only access remotely? A telephant.
EDIT: Damn autocorrect.
Here's a really dumb one I made up that my husband loves for some reason.
Q: What did the leprechaun say when he was kicked in the balls?
A: Menard's!
"I know a great 'knock, knock' joke. Start it off, okay?"
Knock knock
My dumbest joke is actually a family joke that has built up over the years. Unfortunately it works only in German.
Basically when I was very young I mispronounced a key word in a Christmas carol and hilarity ensued that dogged me to my father's dying day. It developed over the years into this:
Es ist ein Ross entsprungen
Aus einem Stall so alt,
Wie uns die Bauern sungen,
Das Ross entfloh mit G'walt.
Es ist ein kluges Pferdchen
Aus altem Stamm gezeugt,
Das mitten in der Nacht dann
Sich aus dem Staub gezeugt.
Das Ross, das ich nun meine,
War flink und voller Mut,
Es sprang mit einem Male
Hinaus in die kalte Flut.
Mit Hufen, stark und kräftig,
Fand es den Weg hinaus,
Entkam dem Stall ganz leise,
Und rannte schnell nach Haus.
(I apologize to any German speakers for the terrible lyric verse.)
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