Bro, you're supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time
this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2024
489 points (96.6% liked)
Greentext
4623 readers
1875 users here now
This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.
Be warned:
- Anon is often crazy.
- Anon is often depressed.
- Anon frequently shares thoughts that are immature, offensive, or incomprehensible.
If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
Everyone has a 3% chance at colon cancer and fibre supplements are a good way to reduce your chances
But then everyone doesn't have a 3% chance 🤔 /s
No no, if your chances go down, someone else's goes up. Sucks, but you gotta watch out for number one.
That's not how averages or statistics work.
I guess lemmings are just as bad as redditors to notice sarcasm.
Kind of hard to do on a text based platform. I had just seen a post with so many people fucking up basic addition, I wouldn't put it past people not knowing how statistics work.
I think he knows
Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.
You are a master of imagery.
You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
I lol’d
I'm not gonna pressure wash my tush, that's a terrible metaphor! Too much power!
Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome "deep clean", not recommended as a surprise.
You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I'd be fine. "It has a dial," I thought to myself, "I just won't crank it up all the way." I'm an idiot.
The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you're feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.
I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim... my aim was perfect. Bullseye.
In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn't just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched "eeeep!", but I don't remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the "fifth base" of legend.
I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.
this is a work of fucking art
I have never used a bidet.
What I do use with every shit is a bidet shower.
You get a nice gentle but strong enough stream which you control all the time.
Also, I never shoot it directly at my anus, but more like from an angle, so even if it suddenly had 10x the flow, it wouldn't go into my arse.
Pretty much every single bathroom in Finland has these. As in even gas stations and bar toilets usually have one stall with a sink in the stall and a bidet shower attached.
Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won't stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.
Real ones use bidet or a watering can first then wipe to simply dry. Much cleaner.
A watering can? Like, for plants?
Yes, I did some searching and I suppose something like a "lota" would be more accurate. But a watering can with 1 hole rather than many
So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?
Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it's due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.
Generally professional care isn't required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.
If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.
anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)
load more comments
(3 replies)
Bidets... You don't have bidets?
Nah he didn't even run for reelection
Wet the paper using the sink
Bro, wash your ass. You don't even need to get that fucking deep, just buy a shower scrubber.
Please don't use a scrubber against your asshole. A washcloth you throw in the laundry after, or just your hands with lots of soap before and after is fine. You're not going to awake any forbidden desires, you're just making sure your body is clean.
You're not going to awake any forbidden desires, you're just making sure your body is clean.
Never say never, anal massage isn't wholly unpleasant.
Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.
Don't flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.
How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?
They aren't. That's why you shouldn't flush one!
load more comments
(3 replies)
Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.
The blood is likely from a popped hemroid
load more comments
(2 replies)
You need to shit some more. There is still ink in the pen.
Why would I stop wiping? There's still blood back there!
I wipe homeopathically.
0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.
0.5 mm²of what? 0.5 MM² OF WHAT??
Well, in homeopathy, like cures like, so probably more shit.
load more comments
(1 replies)
load more comments
(2 replies)
view more: next ›