Reward system activates when helping other people. Why does brain not give dopamine for helping myself π«
this post was submitted on 07 Nov 2024
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I have this problem at work. Sit and stare at my screen for an hour trying to make myself do something but as soon as someone else asks for my help I jump right on their thing... Sometimes of their thing is similar enough to mine I can trick myself into doing mine too but that doesn't always work.
I get 0 done without lists. People laugh about my lists, because every tiny detail has to be on it. So let's say I'm in the situation you described, and it's 10:30 am. What I'd tell myself is: There isn't even a list, so let's make a list, and if it's the last thing I'll do before lunch.
The list is quite often as detailed as:
- decide which task / ticket to work on
- ask coworker for advice what is suitable
- assign myself to the task
- read the task start to end
- understand the task
- reproduce the problem (if it's like a bug that needs fixing) ... and so on
Then, even in my worst state, I can tell myself: You can check off just the next item. That's not overwhelming, that's not too much.
Yeah I need this too! But for me a long list is in itself overwhelming. So I started to use blank cards (like those in hotels) and only put 3 todos on them with a whiteboard marker. I still have the long list somewhere on my pc but this way, I only ever see 3 calls to action. I tend to make them more specific on the card. This also comes with the satisfaction of wiping away a task when itβs done (I hate a long list with striked through tasks, because I have to scan to find the remaining ones).
When I'm in my own messy kitchen, I can't find a starting point. I feel like I'd have to be this big octopus creature that stands in the middle and does a thing with each tentacle simultaneously: Threw this into the garbage, put that into its place, start a heap of things that need to go into different rooms, clean neglected things such as the area behind the sink, clean the floor and main surfaces (but there is too much stuff on it even if I had the 10 tentacles), do dishes, put clean dishes away, throw out expired food from every shelf and the fridge, complex sequences such as bagging the garbage -> put new garbage bag in ...
Not an ADHD-haver but I feel this in my bones. It took an extraordinary effort to clean my desk last night and I just finished cleaning an entire kitchen and a sidewalk than doesn't belong to me. π
Also featured when friends are coming over
Nah make friends who accept you as you are
Yeah, but I'm still not going to not clean up. It's one thing to accept someone as they are. It's another to clear their laundry piles so you have a place to sit.
I've found success in grabbing a broom and just sweeping all the junk into the middle of the room. I then clean from the outside in and finally sit down with a podcast and sort through the mess pile and toss things into laundry, garbage, and other piles I then go through.
You need an ADHD-bro who will help you clean your room, after you help clean theirs.
Yeah! Jobs that bros can reciprocate! There should be a word for that...
Wanna give each other a brojob?
It would be more efficient if we take care of each other at the same time!
Bro job!
Bro job!
Bro job!
Non English native here, is roommate commonly used to refer to flatmates in english? Does "flatmates" even exist?
American English doesn't use "flat" in this way, but the UK does have the word "flatmates."
I vote for the introduction of the word "apartmate".
Vs togethermates, nearmates, housemates, homemates, and yourmommates.
Yes. Housemate or roommate mean anyone who is sharing a roof with you that you mostly don't bang
"mostly". The optimism in this statement LOL.
Eh you gotta do it once or twice
Flatmates is used in the UK for someone who you share a flat with but have separate rooms, and roommates is used where you share a room, but not a bed, or are not in a romantic relationship with. It's generally for places like student accommodation.
Yeah, but is it valid in American English to call someone a roommate even though each of you have a separate room?
American English yes, British English no.
I'm unsure about other English-speaking countries.
My roommates got me a sweet car bed
The way I try to jumpstart this for myself is to take a picture of the place I need to clean. It gives me a fresh perspective so it's easier for me to identify what needs to happen. Secondary benefit is it's easier to make a before and after comparison, for that extra hit of dopamine.
I did that once and the before/after dopamine is nice. But the downside is that looking back at the after photo and realising that it looks like shit again after 10 weeks is even more depressing. 
the key is deliberating a set place for everything, and putting it back until it becomes habit. it turns into a dopamine hit eventually.
if you find yourself not bothering to put some items back, they probably should be moved somewhere more convenient
It could be better, but it's still an improvement. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. Most people don't even start.
what if you deleted the picture right after getting the dopamine
Good suggestion!
Nice tip, will try that!
That's a really slick idea. Externalize it. Good thinking!
This is a real phenomenon
I sometimes cannot clean my own stuff, but in the same day can organize a busy work schedule, complex relationship issues, or someone else's apartment. There's just something that gets in the way of me using that ability on myself
So much easier to make executive decisions about stuff that holds no emotional attachments for you. Even if you're not trashing something, the feelings distract and disrupt the function.
So maybe trade the job.
Or set aside the funds to pay someone, being careful not to shit on yourself for "I should be able to do it myself." Some of the people who employ you should probably be able to do that themselves but hiring you is better. Pass it along.
Yes that's pretty spot on.
Hey I cleaned 1 pan today! Still have a full disgusting sink but progress!
This is me
Hmm... I may need this later on. I don't know when, but I better leave that out.
Ooh! I can use this somewhere...
etc...