Asklemmy

Trying to understand why will cause you even more pain. My advice: treat it as a funeral/loss of a loved one. The time has simply come. Do your mourning and move on. Dwelling on it will only cause my pain and reopen old wounds.

It's a lot like a funeral really. You will want to shoot them a text, or tag them on social media, and you can't or just get sad when you do. And if it's someone you really, truly cared for, it will take a long while. And that's okay. I seriously lost who I thought was the one I was supposed to be with, did a couple short realtionships and some one night stands (all optional) and then met my wife three years after that big break up. But you just keep keeping on

Grieve. Be kind to yourself, be kind to them. Allow yourself to feel without resisting the feelings. But don't chase them either.

There isn't a right way to feel for most of this.

Part of grieving is reflection (usually). Remembering good times, bad times and wish-they-were-different times. Find a way to be with those moments and accept them as they are: moments. They aren't lost, just future ones will be different.

And that's okay. Or it will be. And you'll be okay, too.

I ruminate too. I tell myself it helps me learn, helps me grow, helps me remember not to "x". It rarely helps. It's just a conditioned response that makes me feel more control while i actually lose some.

What truly helps is healing. Learning that sometimes compatability isn't a you tho Ing or a them thing. But it's still a thing and somebody called the spade a spade.

If you weren't up to your standards, then rise. Otherwise, coat yourself in patience. Listen to YouTube videos like Tara Brach. Be honest with yourself as you heal. We all have barbs, we all have scars.

I'm sorry this happened. It fucking sucks.

Let me try to help.

Your world was shattered and you need a new baseline. One of the (many, many) painful elements of transitioning relationships is loss of routine. It feels like shit because when you hit that old routine, you give yourself a dose of pain as you're reminded of your reality. Recognize that right now, your previous life is gone and routines need updated.

How do you think about things? I'm a visual, hands on, person. If it were me, I'd grab my digital notebook and start planning.

I need to plan the big beats of the day, and then let the other variables guide me.

I'd break it into three sections: My morning routine, afternoon, and evening.

How are important things like meals and work tackled? Don't just think about these things, live them! Mentally think about work on Monday. Did your ex give you a ride? You need a new routine. Did they pack your lunch? You need a new routine. Did they cook dinner? Etc.

Finally, how do these routines change for the weekend? 3 more paths.

Good luck. This isn't easy and it feels like shit. I hope anything I said is helpful.

DM me directly if you have and specific questions or want to share personal details that aren't appropriate in a forum setting.

If I can help you I will. You're not alone.

Breakups can be pretty hard to cope with depending on how it ended.

The best advice I can think of is trying to think of it as an era of your life is now over. Those events from that era still have significance to you and will likely for a long time. And the best thing to do is not to dwell on them but look to the future.

What will this new era bring? Will you pick up those hobbies you've been thinking about but didn't have the spare time for? Will you find new adventures in hobbies you already have? Will you focus on self improvement?

The best thing you can do is to let go.

They're gone, they chose to move on. And now you will have to as well.

Yes they were incredibly significant to you, and for a time you were to them too. But just like eras in history those eras end and a new era begins.

Don't dwell on the past and what could have been, you will only find pain there.

Look to the future for what could be.

And reach out to your friends/family and talk to them. It will be hard but open up to them about it. And if your family is just as supportive as mine, just your friends.

Here's a brief(ish) personal story of how my most significant relationship ended.

Trigger warning: death and substance abuse.

A long time ago I was in a long-term committed relationship with 2 people (a man and a woman) I loved more than anything. Life was good for a time and improving. We had long-term goals for the relationship and our futures together.

Then some stuff went wrong that waa outside of our control, we could still achieve our goals but they would have been harder. We didn't know how to handle it well. But we tried to stay on target.

Then more things went wrong that put us on a 30 day clock to sort out housing situation faster than we had hoped by a long shot.

We had nobody we could lean on for help, our only choice was to try our damnedest to make it happen.

We were running up to our deadline, stress was at an all time high.

We were working as many hours as we could trying to get the cash together faster then we thought possible.

She lost her job.

Then she died.

And a few days later he died due to drinking and driving.

Everything fell apart.

The era was over. And a new era had begun.

I handled it the worst way possible, I fell back into substance abuse.

And it took me 6 years to kick it.

Don't do what I did, don't lean into substance abuse (alcohol/drugs) they will only make the hurt worse.

The best thing about breaking up with someone is that you’ll get to fall in love again.

Obviously don’t rush that or seek it out, but it will happen at some point.

I always think that breaking up from a decently long relationship is like losing a part of yourself - take your time and make yourself whole before trying to fill that void with the “easy fix” of starting a relationship with someone else.

How do you do that? It just takes time. Do things you love doing. Spend time with people who bring joy to your life. Embrace life! Say yes to new experiences. Be brave.

And then - probably when you least expect it - you’ll meet someone who makes you realise that breaking up was the best thing that could have happened to you.

It takes time, your favorite music, whiskey, friends, food, pot, exercise, tobacco, sunshine, sports, chili cheese fries, boat rides or whatever you like. Just do you for a while!

Edit: Do everything in moderation

I have. But it took literal years, I think about 3 or 4 years to completely get over it.

I sulk for a while while covered in my sadness. When I had a little more strength to come out my sadness what helped me the most is "Yes Man" attitude. I like watching movies but my previous relationship is holding me back, I would go by myself to the movies. Who decided that a nice dinner date needs to be 2 or more. One night after work I feel like eating nacho and a beer, I went to a lounge and ate me amazing warm nacho. I saw a ballet show that's cheap and for charity, well let's check it out. I heard fringe is in town, one ticket for me please. I haven't seen Northern lights well no one is stopping me now. I studied how to read the forecast and found a dark spot out of town. Hmm, how about shooting stars, well there are so much chance in the year to catch it. No need to plan with someone else. Then eventually I have dozens of solo hobbies and just acceptance of the of past. It took me 4 years to be on a relationship but I would say that 4 years of hobbies was fun. Edit: I didn't actively avoid relationship but I didn't seek it. I tried tinder and plenty of fish but figured out it's not for me then I went back to my list of hobbies. I took up photography, kayaking, a friend ask me to go to cabin, we'll sure! Friends invited me for a vacation, Hmm it's cheaper if I come early and come home late, I can join their rental then I tried hostel, which was a fantastic choice. I enjoyed the place more with saying yes to the hostel tours than the planned friends days.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. Someone broke things off with me and it still hurts, even if it has been a while. The first month was the hardest, then it gets easier bit by bit. What helped me was keeping busy with work, I had a lot going on to keep me distracted. I tried to do things that I didn't do before, or that I wanted to try and never got the chance to do, or stopped doing when I got in the relationship. I found it important to try to enjoy my solitude, but that takes time. Go places, even if it's very near you. I delved into my hobbies to keep my mind off of it. If you can, try to process things bit by bit, just don't try to escape your feelings in the long run, that fucked me over(It's been a while since I avoided processing my former relationship so yea).

Going through a break up sucks. Like really sucks. There's no getting around it that I've found. It does get better after some time (maybe a lot of time), but I wouldn't worry about that right now. Exercise seemed to help me with some of the overthinking and rumination. Over time it will get less raw and you'll likely develop some perspective that will help, But for now take time to grieve and feel sad.

It's just gonna take time. Even if you're doing all the right things to speed it up it will still be awhile.

Try to distract yourself. Don't try to totally ignore it or anything but trying to do some fun activities will help you get out of the gunk somewhat.

It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I can say time will help. And that is very true, but it doesn’t help you in this moment. But it’s something to think about.

Meditation helps. I was in such a bad place after a breakup. I had a constant feeling of panic and depression. I started to meditate. Guided meditations from online. I would seriously meditate for 1.5 or 2 hours every day, sometimes twice. It helped a little and it used up the time I would normally spend feeling miserable.

My attitude was to find ways to occupy my time so I couldn’t use that time letting my mind spin. I started saying “yes” anyone asked me to do something that would use up my time. I made some friends because of that, too.

Good luck, feeling for you.

No quick fix, just focus on a goal that makes you proud of yourself and distracts you

Take your time, and try to focus on yourself. It's normal to feel uneven when someone/something that's meaningful for you suddently (or forcefully) goes away.

And not because you broke up with that person it means you cannot reamain friends.

But right now you got to get on your feet. (unless you have a cat over your chest, in that case do not move).

Be kind to yourself! :)

First- understand that everyone goes through this, everybody has an answer for you, but the answer that worked for them may not work for you. There's no right or wrong answer. A lot of people say 'the way to get over someone is to get under someone' personally I've never subscribed to that sort of thinking. It leads to unhealthy rebound relationships IMHO.

The only thing that will really fix this is time. So there is no magic bullet. There are things you can do to help though or pass the time faster. The biggest one is find ways to not ruminate. Focus your attention on other things, ideally useful things. Take some time to improve yourself in fun ways. Hit the gym is an obvious one, but I generally recommend take up a hobby or learn an instrument or take a class. Basically learn some fun new skill and focus your attention on that. It serves as a distraction from your grief, but also a source of engagement and a little happiness.
It WILL get better.

You’re going to have to accept that it’ll hurt for a long time. Give yourself some grace and let yourself be heartbroken for as long as you need. It sucks, but you’ll snap out of it eventually.

Two things that will probably help:

1. Hang out with people you like
2. Do things that make you proud of what you did that day

It’s easy to skip into a hole and wallow there. While you have to let yourself grieve, you also have to put in the work to have a constructive life. Treat it as a responsibility to get up and do something each day.

Cherish the richness of the experience. Don't try to get over it. Hold every little detail tightly in your heart. The pain, the love, the loss, the ecstasy. All of it. Soon enough we'll all be nothing at all.
It only hurts because it was worth it. Don't let yourself forget a single thing.

(and the tighter you hold on, the faster the sharp edges will wear away because nothing at all is ever even slightly fair.)

Working out and exercising will help boost your seratonin and dopamine levels AND make you too tired to ruminate much at bed time.

It will suck for a while. And then it will get better. And it will stop hurting. Go hang out with friends as much as you can. Keep busy. Time is the only cure and keeping busy will make time go faster.

Time heals all wounds. How long has it been and how long were you together?

Some say “half the length of the relationship” as a rule of thumb to heal, but it varies.

When a relationship ends, you’re watching something die. You will have to grieve, like you do for any death. Not just grieving for the end of the relationship, but grieving for all the lost opportunities.  The trips you haven’t taken together, things you haven’t said to each other, the family you never make together.

Unfortunately, it sucks.

These things take time to process, understand, learn from, and eventually move forward with.

You need to adjust to a new normal. And that new normal should be busy. Schedule regular gym visits, classes, language learning, book club, cooking, guitar time, whatever. Productive routine is important and it will help stabilize you.

Sometimes, the pain you feel will be greater than you built in resources for dealing with pain. This is when you add professional counseling to healing regiment. Please sing feel too proud for therapy. Even online therapy companies like BetterHelp are a great resource.

Go out of your comfort zone and say yes to being with people. Invited for after-work drinks, or a birthday party you don’t really care about… go anyways. You don’t have to talk to them about the breakup, just being around others will help you feel less alone.

Also, do a little house cleaning. Rearrange some furniture, get some new clothes, change the rug - something so what you see marks a clear before and a clear after. Take a vacation if you have some PTO and resources. You don’t have to spend any money or go anywhere. Just go to a park and chill on a bench. Relax a few minutes a day.

At a certain point, will be looking forward to tomorrows more than you look back at yesterdays. It could be weeks, months, but it’ll be a sign you’re ready to date.



I moved on tremendously from my first break up by taking shrooms and crying about every little detail to a friend for 6 hours. The next day I felt normal. The next week I felt half as bad as originally. My normal grieving period is about 3 months to 3 years, average is somehow 3 weeks.