Relationship Advice

Reading this thread variously - honestly, your relationship sounds exhausting.

It's taking more from you than it's giving back. Regular blowups followed by patch-ups that leave you back where you started, with nothing but fallout and pain to show for it.

She fucks up, but is simultaneously too fragile and yet too able to hold you hostage to be held accountable; somehow you're the one that has to earn your way back into her good graces, and you dare not upset the apple art by trying to change the dynamic or, god forbid, assert some boundaries along the way.

Rinse and repeat until it leaches the calcium right out of your damn bones.

Look, I get it. Anxiety disorders are no fun, mental illness isn't the fault of the person who has it, and I have no doubt that she's a wonderful person overall.

But you're not getting paid for this. You're not her carer, you're not her parent, it's not your job to clean up after her your whole life.

Would you take on that role for someone with stabyouintheface-itis, a condition that caused an otherwise lovely person to stab you in the face every month or two, entirely outside of their control or intent?

Hard pass, am I right? Not their fault, but not your job, so no. The impact of this one is lesser, but the principle is the same.

And yes, people can change and adapt and do better. Supposedly, at least - I haven't seen it myself.

In the meantime, you deserve better things in your life than just pissing it away down someone else's crazyhole.

Be by yourself, or be with someone who doesn't take all your emotional resources just to break even. If your gf eventually manages to turn it around and get in better control of it, such that you can both benefit from the relationship, then great.

But until then, it's just wearing you down and not filling her up. With the best will in the world towards her, you should go elsewhere.

I'm a little baffled that after hearing "maintenance" that she expects you to be in fight mode. Granted it could be a ruse, but really?

So I have to ask, is she always in this mode that everything everywhere is a threat and danger? If so I think she needs therapy.

I think the maintenance man just reminded you that your girlfriend is a terrible person.

Fly, you fool

I think it's still worth trying to see if she really feels like she wanted you to be more concerned for her safety and maybe yelled at the guy or did she really want you to go full murder hobo on an innocent human.

However, the extreme mood shift and being abusive to you and her doing fuck all to break that cycle where she's not being a dick to you every damn month, well I think that really needs to be addressed and you need to decide if you're actually going to be okay with being treated badly every month for t he rest of your life.

The other elephant in the room is that do you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who's feelings will turn on you the minute things get a little tough? I mean you not wanting to murder someone leads to her falling out of love with you that fast? Really man, take a good long look at your two years together, maybe hash it out with a friend and get a outside look at things to get a full picture of if this is really what you want for the rest of your life.

she doesn't think I should "this year, but that she may change her mind".

Wow, she’s so generous, she might still LET you propose to her. Life and relationship is never about one person fulfilling a role for another. She basically wants you to be a knight to her princess. You can’t ever have needs or fears of your own, because she simply is higher up in this relationship. You need to EARN her love.

You don’t want to deal with an entitled person everyday, thats called retail work and people don’t like it.

I think her recommendation to not propose yet is a solid one. I'm not the one to shout red flag and leave her as I know nothing about you two's backgrounds but that certainly is a little sus on her part.

Take everything people here say with a grain of salt. We don't know your relationships history, nor are we going to be able to get the full truth from both of your perspectives.

That said, it sounds like there is definitely more going on in your relationship than just that event and her cycle. Yeah, maybe it would have been best for you to get out of bed and go check things out, but I'd say it's more likely that you didn't see how she was feeling from that experience which is the real problem. You might be experiencing a communication breakdown.

Don't give up hope if you just recently started having these thoughts about ending the relationship. Even good relationships have low points. Keep the communication flowing. Keep friends around so the conversation can be light-hearted at times. Forgive everything that's forgivable. Maybe talk with a therapist or counselor (it's gotten cheaper). Find a way to take the edge off that's not harmful because you're probably really stressed.

There's no magic bullet to fixing this situation. It's gonna take some effort to work things out. Best of luck

Edit: you should also talk to the landlord about maintenance being in your house while you're sleeping. That really shouldn't happen.

Yeah, there are a lot of red flags here. As you mentioned, she's willing to throw away a two-year relationship with someone she was considering marrying because of a look. On top of that, she seems to measure your masculinity by how quickly you become aggressive, which is a huge problem (unless you want to spend the rest of your life fighting every guy that looks at her). Also, the way she's framing delaying the proposal sounds like it's meant to hurt you (though I wasn't there, so you'd know better than me).

It's your relationship, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you're not crazy, her reaction was not normal. You've also put two years into this relationship, so I wouldn't be too quick to throw that away either, but if you don't like how you're being treated you shouldn't disregard that. If I were you I would sit down, think about what you want and what you won't put up with, and then talk to her.

You have a gift right now because you have a girlfriend, not a wife. Don't rush in giving that gift up.

Seems like a red flag to me.

Maybe it's not a deal-breaker in and of itself, but if you get many more of these, you probably want to cut your losses and move on.

Take it from an old guy who's learned this shit the hard way.

In my experience it's the case that if someone shows you that they are crazy or psychologically maladjusted, there's very little that you can do about it as their romantic partner.

I don't say that people can't change, only that it's almost never going to happen when they are already in a relationship with you and exhibiting weird and abusive behavior such as what you describe.

That said, in all honesty I think you might want to at least consider getting out now. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.

Again, I'm an old guy in his 50s and I have seen and been through some shit over the years. That doesn't mean that I'm somehow magically "right," but it does mean that I have some perspective on these things.

Take it for whatever you think it's worth.

Yes. You should have shot him, and then spread his blood across your face as a sign of dominance, and then taken your girlfriend in a passionate display of power.

Come on. Really? Tell her to chill the fuck out. You would have fought if fighting was required, but it obviously wasn't. If she continues making an issue of it then ask her to seek counseling or something. Or I guess just assure her that you'll keep her and your home safe from all real threats. Get a baseball bat and a can of bear spray and let her know it's to protect her. I'm not very good at this. Maybe take some of the other advice here.

What a sexist, despicable attitude. She is as responsible for security and defense as you are.

I’ve been in relationships (both romantic and non) where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. It’s become something that I’m very aware of, and avoid whenever possible.

Being sensitive and empathetic is one thing. Constantly feeling like you’re at risk of setting off a bomb is something else entirely.

I’m sorry she has issues and a difficult past. However, those things aren’t your fault. It’s not selfish of you to consider your own wants and needs, especially when choosing a life partner. Even if this particular situation works out “well”, the fact that it happened at all is a major warning sign.

She seems to take your affection for granted, and assume that you’ll always be desperate to please her. She thinks she can ignore your needs, hurt you, and you’ll always come back and gratefully accept whatever she’s willing to give. Living that way will crush you entirely. Further, by constantly bowing to her will, she will lose all respect for you - assuming she has any in the first place, that is.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You deserve better… you may not think so, but you do.

Cut your losses and find someone who doesn't do that.

Two things. One, she needs help I agree. Two, this sounds really manipulative and suspect. Proceed with caution. I'm not sure sticking this one out is a good call.

Instead of talking to random idiots on the Internet have a real adult conversation with her. If she can't even do that then that would be a problem.

Speaking purely in generalities (that may not apply), I have dated/married women who were like this. Potential "fun" situations may or may not include: her initiating fights with/between other guys so that you'll defend her (or to get things from them), her looking down on you/treating you differently when you share any weakness/doubt with her, etc. There are, in fact, women who believe a man should never cry. Just as men can internalize toxic shit and become awful to live with, plenty of women do the same.

You don't want to be with someone for whom you feel you need to wear a mask 100% of the time. It's exhausting. Furthermore, it'd be one thing if this were just a "concern" that she discussed with you, but if this truly took her from zero-to-existential relationship crisis, ask yourself what that will be like in two more years when the excitement has really and truly worn off.

Fuck that patriarchal bullshit, dump her