Asklemmy

Here recently it seems like everything just gets under my skin so quickly and easily. It’s not that I get mad and take it out on others, it’s just the fact that I’m constantly annoyed and stressed.

Are you annoyed and stressed because everything gets under your skin, or does everything get under your skin because you are constantly annoyed and stressed?

Oh, by not caring. Apathy is the answer.

I'm often seen as calm even though I have my frustrated outbursts. The one thing I make sure to do is not direct that frustration towards other living things.

As you mentioned in the dog analogy, I'll outwardly vocalize what I could have done to avoid the situation and own the blame. I have a couple dogs as well. If I'm upset enough that I notice a change in their behavior I'll play with them to show its okay. Now that I think about it, they started bringing me toys when I'm upset which has a calming effect on its own.

I want other people witnessing my tantrum to understand I'm frustrated with myself. There is always something I could have done to improve/avoid the situation. On the rare occasion I'm unable to self regulate I'll remove myself and take time to reflect. Sometimes it takes a night of sleep.

I've lived with a number of narcissistic and borderline personality types throughout my life. Seeing and experiencing the damage one can do with anger, I've made it a core principal to never project my own shortcomings onto another living thing.

For situations where one could not have done anything, I'll resort to assertiveness principals if I'm not okay with another's behavior or accept the the situation and go into "fix it" mode to mitigate what's in my control.

Key point I suppose is to remove anger, shaming, eluded ignorance, and other forms of manipulative behaviors as a means to control others and to see every frustration as a test of my principals.

It's mostly about how mindful I'm being, but it's always about the perspective. Although, I have always been very laid back and easy going - I don't have a problem being the leader but I also don't mind just letting things play their course.

For something like your example - the things that get me the most are say, the towel I'm using to wipe my dogs feet gets caught on every edge imaginable, hanging and tugging. It's frustrating because I am doing something that I expect to be a certain way and I'm meeting resistance over something so simple. I'm just trying to dry the dog, why does this little thing get hooked on everything?

And same, not just the towel for the dog but everything - putting back a wooden spoon and it not going in, repeatedly. Any of that sort of thing will get me. Something about the task supposed to be taking 5 seconds but then taking so much longer, compounded with the fact that like come on it's so simple just get in there! Oh man, when a jacket gets caught as you're taking it off? If I'm already on the verge of a bad mood that ruins me.

For other things though, it just doesn't matter. Like, what does it really matter?? So I went to the store and forgot something. Yeah that does suck. Oh well! Unless it was something absolutely necessary and it was the last opportunity - fuck man, yeah it's unfortunate but I mean... Nothing to be done about it now. Why focus on that? It's funny because I legitimately have gotten more upset about my jacket getting stuck as I take it off than when I forget something at the store. What gives with that? Lol.

I am generally an optimistic, outgoing person who looks for the best in things. That doesn't mean I don't get set back for a few minutes, sometimes half an hour, over something pointless. Another example that happens to me often - you have a project or a plan, you know exactly what you want to do and how to do it. Then you go to look for X, Y, and Z. X is gone, Y is broken/not charged, and Z is there but the other two are fucked so what now?? Then you either have to half-ass it around the jank or give up the plan and do it later, but the motivation hit you 10 minutes ago so now you're just set stuck seething about a project you wanted to do but can't finish.

For me it's all about perspective. When I am most easy going is when I care the least, and when I am able to go with the flow or quickly get over something, it's almost a sort of contentment from nihilism. It's not that "nothing" matters, it's that what matters is that I'm right here right now - what I'm doing is sort of irrelevant? The core details exist and the little ones don't matter.

For example with the dog again, when I come back from a walk in the winter time I know what you mean. The dogs feet are soaked, so are mine. I'm all hot and bundled up with wet socks. My jacket just got stuck as I was taking it off. But man, then I grab that towel and I start rubbing down my dogs legs, she hands me her paw all dainty and pants and then hands me the other one. Licking the air and looking at me. She's just so damn precious that all I can focus on is how cute it is to clean her paws after our walk, with the added benefit that now the entire floor and furniture doesn't get wet/muddy. It's not so much the result of dry cleanliness I'm going for as much as it is living in the moment with her.

Each of these are rooted in plans with expected outcomes, or the results of something else unplanned. If you are able to shift your perspective about these things, that truly can help.

When plans with expected outcomes don't go your way, I find myself looking at whether it was in my control or out of my control, and to what degree if any. Sometimes things are just entirely out of our control. If that's the case, then so what? What could we possibly have done? Absolutely nothing, so why fret?

Sometimes it was something in our control. Well, if it didn't happen and it was a mistake then it's something to learn from and work on. If it wasn't, then whatever still? Most things in life hardly affect us for more than 6 hours, so realistically why let something small affect you for even that long in the first place? If it was in your control then now you've learned how to better navigate it next time.

There's all sorts of things that I could say, I understand and relate to this. Nothing that I'm saying by the way is meant to be negative, I recognize the same things and these are how I am about it.

My partner is very different from me, a cap to a soda could fall and the next 20 minutes are stressful. The disappointment from not getting something expected will last the rest of the day. But the in/out of control still remains true.

My only real "suggestion" among all this, since it's mostly just validation, is that where possible try to set yourself up for success. Make routines that make your life easier - I've started setting a towel down as part of my W.A.L.K. preparation so she walks in that and I fold it round her when we're back.

Follow the 5-5-5 rule, does it take 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 50 minutes? If it takes 5 seconds to just put the can away, just do it. If it takes 5 seconds to put the dog food away, just do it. If it takes 5 minutes, plan it around another 5 minute task. Give yourself 15 minutes of dedication to something specific, with 45 minutes of room behind it. .

After 15 minutes, you have either finished your task and you can move on, or you have gotten heavily invested into it and you have the next 40 minutes to continue it. And of course if it takes 50 minutes, then you just know it's a weekly task you have for that day.

And remember, if it's something (small) that would get a negative reaction out of you - why? Is the loss of whatever happened really so much of a setback that taking 5-10-30 minutes more time to react to it worthwhile? But I know that it's not just that easy, but it can always help to have reminders.

Think that's about all from me, but I feel you. As a very happy, bubbly, uplifting person I still understand and resonate with this. I hope what I had to say is able to help, but even if not I hope it helps knowing someone else understands exactly what you are talking about and that this is a sliding scale that people exist on.

Imagine you're being recorded and you have to watch it back later. Sometimes it's easier to see ourselves from others perspective than our own. Patience is a skill, you have to use it to get good at it

OP, if you figure it out, do honestly let me know. I'm very similar to you, but instead of anger at the world, mine is despair. Stupid, insignificant things make me catastrophize and freak the fuck out and make me think of stabbing myself whereas other people just have an easier time shrugging life off. I don't get how they do it and why I'm so unintentionally dramatic.

I can't tell you. I experimented with psychedelics in my 20s, and it wouldn't surprise me if that change in behavior was one take away from that time... It's easy to say life is meaningless, but to personally experience it (or at least what felt like it at the time) is a whole different thing.

After that realization, you get some perspective I guess.

It took me a lot of practice. I used to get mad at everything too. Almost violently so (hence the username "fury"). I realized over time I don't want to spend that much effort being mad at anything. It's not worth it. I'm going grey fast enough as it is without willingly adding to it. I'd rather focus my energy on something more enjoyable.

Except Bing Chat. Bing Chat can go take a long walk off a short pier, and I wish everybody who worked on Bing Chat a very "good heavens what were you thinking". Give me back my regular search results, thank you very much.

Once upon a time, I had anger issues and would get pissed at anyone for any reason. I have 3 main self-help tricks, but keep in mind that self-help can only go so far.

1. The moment you notice it, stop everything and reflect on if it's worth being upset about. Everything is deserving of some amount of irritation, but only the big things are worth getting irritated about.
2. Practice mindfulness. Check in on yourself every so often during the day to see how you feel. If you're in a bad mood, try to identify why first. If it's a general feeling and not a specific cause, take about 10 minutes to pause your day and focus on breathing.
3. Redirect those feelings towards something that deserves it. Righteous anger is a very strong tool, and fighting the things that are the focus of that anger is highly rewarding because it often leaves a positive impact. As an example, I have a lot of righteous anger towards the way my coworkers and I are being treated. To fight that anger I'm helping to form a union. It's rewarding to see people realize that they deserve better

Meds, weed, accepting that everything you worry about probably won't matter in a few years anyway so why bother getting mad about it.

I understand your frustration. It seems the two answers are "try therapy" and practice controlling your thoughts in the moment. Which can be annoying when you've already been doing both. I don't have any better answers unfortunately.

I started drinking lots of alcohol. It didn’t really help in the long run.

It’s like liquid therapy.

Then you lose your family and job.

It’s great!

Nobody "never gets mad", they just deal. But your issue speaks to something bubbling underneath the surface, it sounds like (obligatory caveat: I am nowhere near a professional). Figure that shit out bc it's not going away.:-(

Maybe you are worried about your job or partner or something, and this little stupid stuff is just how it comes out, bc you won't allow yourself to be mad about the REAL reason you are currently unhappy. It definitely sounds like it is yourself that you are mad about... but even that could be a smokescreen or like projection or some such, if it were not okay to be mad at someone/something else.

Therapy could help if you could afford it - even just the time bc there are like volunteer orgs that lower the cost - but you can also do a lot on your own, like try to create a safe space where it is okay to be mad about whatever, even if it seems "wrong". Stupid dog tracking stupid dirt on the stupid carpet... why can't I ever do anything right? (Like: I could not even marry someone who I don't highly suspect is cheating on me... WTF!? Or maybe not that, maybe it's a midlife crisis with career, or children, or who knows what else). Eventually your brain will allow you to know what is REALLY bothering you, when telling you that fact will cause a lesser amount of pain than doing so right now would.

IMHO, start with: you are not okay, this is not normal, and things can get much better (REALLY!), but it will take effort and possibly time (depending on how deeply ingrained whatever it is turns out to be).

I work in ecology. The amount of times that weather or nature has plans counter to my own has been too great to count. Just gotta go with the flow and deal with the cards you have in a given moment. It doesn't mean you can't be upset about something, but at some point you realize that it's not useful.

I sometimes just sit down and figure out why something happened and try to figure out what I could do to fix it. If I was really mad about it I would let myself think about how far I would go to make it happen, what would I give up, what extraordinary lengths I would go to fix it. Normally, most things, are just absurd to think about like that. Like if I really didn't want my dogs stepping in mud maybe I could get rid of all the dirt in the yard, maybe make a little AI powered spraying bot to wash their feet, maybe get a second job and hire a guy that just hangs out by my back door to wash their feet. If I'm still feeling it, I mean really think about it, I mean maybe there is a way to reduce the dirt outside, maybe a rug to clean their feet, etc. Normally I go "oh that's WAY too much work" and I just think about the imaginary Tim that would be wiping my dog's feet instead of me, and it makes me chuckle.

The other one is just comparing the consequences. Like what if I didn't clean the dog's feet. They would track mud in for sure, and ? Like, maybe, I get some mud on my feet? Maybe on the couch and on my arms? If I get mud on me, what happens? What's the consequence of getting muddy? Is it really that bad? Can't I just wash it off?

The latter is what my therapist helped me with, I worked a life and death kind of job for a bit, where things really had to work just right or people could get really hurt or worse, I was taking that anxiety back with me and applying it to all the little things I also wanted or cared about. I really had to take a step back more on things and go "So what?" to more things, and I got better about being able to role with the little punches again.

I've been homeless for a long time, violent upbringing, seen the worst in people on the street so most troubles I encounter today don't compare. When the weather is bad the sound of the wind and rain against the window makes me happy. When I feel dirty I step in the shower instead of having one 5 times a month in a shelter. The small things don't trigger me.

My son has adhd and autism, it will make you learn to have patience, restraint and order in time and home enviroment.

People though, certainly old boomer people in supermarkets that want to walk right through you, try to skip the line or pushing the shopping cart in your ass, block the path because they want to discuss with other old people their hip replacement or next funeral to attend, or in too large vehicles (that are really useless to them) in traffic, driving the wrong way, to slow, trying to park for 5 minutes et cetera...I will turn me into a drooling rageaholic.

Woosah.

I have been stressed out about everything in the past, but I worked through a lot of things.

The main thing for me is acceptence. I accept whatever comes at me, and I deal with it.

Missed the bus? I accept that that is the new situation, and then start thinking about how to deal with the consequences. Do I need to inform somebody that I will be later, or do I need to do anything else? Is there a different route I can take?

And what is also important, I watch myself. I make sure I get enough sleep and I have some time for myself to chill. It helps if you are not tired or burned out. I have been tired and burned out and it makes me far more emotional and unpredictable.

I accept that I am not in control of a lot of things. But I can always control my response to those things. If somebody is trying to piss me off, I can stay calm and that puts me in control of the situation.

I also realized that bad moods are contagious. If somebody was in a bad mood around me I would pick it up too. But now I figured, why? I don't want somebody elses state of mind to control mine. So I accept that they are in a bad mood, and choose to keep my mood going.

I choose to control myself in all circumstances, no matter how crazy, and it makes me happier and less stressed. I'm still not perfect but I feel a lot better a lot of the time.

And it's a great practice for emergency situations too. I've been able to solve some things rather quickly just by not panicking and making the right calls to give some things priority over others.

I just think about all the times that getting mad actually helped the situation in any way at all.

I mean, in some situations, getting mad is the correct response, but I find that to be extremely rare.

After getting mad, the situation is usually still just as shit but you're even more upset and you've probably upset some other people around you too.

You should probably focus on the problem/problems underneath, this is probably just an epiphenomenon

Do these feelings of anger linger for long? Personally I'm like you in the sense that tiny inconveniences piss me off but I also drop those feelings pretty quickly and go on with my day, it's like a very short spike of anger and then back to normal, I just kinda remind myself it's not a huge deal and go on with my life. I think it's healthy to feel the anger just don't dwell on it for long.

Shit happens. Often. Choose to not let it control you and your mood.

Being stressed and / or tired usually makes my reactions worse. Get rest, lessen stress, and use stress coping techniques.

You can control your reactions. You cannot control the shit that happens.

Serenity now...laugh at life and yourself. It is not really that bad. You knew that, right?

Are you very low on time? I see this happen to people who feel they just don’t have enough time to get everything done that they need to, and therefore any little delay causes a lot of stress. If you can offload some chores or reduce your activity load that may be some help. But there are other reasons for irritability as well.

Someday they'll be dead, and I'll be passing on their grave. Then I'll be "going with the flow"

i need to adopt a cat-owner mentality

Medication. That's my secret

Hmm. I work in a high stress field. As in, behavioral modification. I get hit a lot. It does impact me over time. So what I do to manage my emotions is taking the time to take it easy on myself. I make that space. One hour after work every day (not counting the drive) where I am just alone with my thoughts and doomscrolling before I let anyone else place any demands on me (myself included). You sound a little bit like me before I burned out originally a few years ago and put some boundaries in place where self-care is concerned. That one hour did wonders.

Can you give us a little anecdote or vignette of a recent situation?

Re:dogs - It sounds like you might need to set boundaries with your dogs and whomever allows them outside so there is a procedure everybody (including dogs) is aware of and knows needs to happen that you have put together to avoid having this problem again.

Anger is a sign that we feel we being treated unfairly or things are happening that we believe are not acceptable to continue happening. I would encourage you to make friends with your anger and allow it to illuminate that which needs to be examined or altered so your anger doesn't need to pay it further attention as you work to resolve the discrepancy

Anger is really good at intuiting that the equation isn't adding up and that there is a miscalculation that you must rebalance in order to discharge its responsibilities. Until that happens, anger will be wherever you go and be activated by more and more related and unrelated things.

Edit: I had a small breakthrough just now grappling with this question, thanks OP, lets have another if you like

In the movie Point Of No Return, the main character is taught by one of her trainers to say "I never did mind about the little things." To demonstrate the appropriate use of the phrase, later in the movie a guy shoots her friend then looks at her to see how she's going to react and she says it to him. Given the time and perspective thus afforded her, she later kills that guy before he kills her.

I dunno, I just think of that phrase a lot. Also I've been through a lot of big things that make practically everything seem like Little Things in comparison.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and then try to envision everything my body just did to take that breath.

The intercostal muscles expanding an' the diaphragm contracting to make a vacuum in the thoracic cavity.

The air rushing down my trachea, into my bronchus, then into the bronchioles.

The alveoli swelling individually as the air fills 'em.

My lungs filling the vacuum that the muscles created.

It's a lot of things to keep ahold of all at once, so there ain't the space in my mind to keep thinking of what annoyed me (until some daft bastard goes and does it again mind you).

cut away from social media and news. it'll make you a sadder and angrier person and will rarely add anything meaningful to your life.

For the people who are really placid, it's a straight personality trait. As in, they've been that way since they were babies. You can't learn it.