I’ve spent way too long trying to quantify/understand it, to be completely honest. As someone who has been working from home on and off for two years now, this shit sucks. I tried to wholeheartedly convince myself that I am a homebody who doesn’t require any social interaction lol what a foolish thought

Through my hours of rumination on this topic, I’ve also gleaned that I personally hate irl social interaction because I fucking suck at it, not because I don’t wish I could desperately fit in for once. Because when I’m in the comfort of friends who are like me, I’m on cloud nine. And I’m so much slower verbally than when writing/typing, feels as though people’s attention spans in this day and age are not in alignment with the way in which my brain works.

But yeah I really noticed it when I came to the realization that I could easily make a post about how I’m feeling about a situation with one of friends online, but I could ALSO text that friend and ask them directly. And that right there sums up the majority of my social problems. Because I know I could send the message to the friend, but the uncertainty, fear, doubt, and general sense of uncomfortability that await after I press send? Way too much. Those feelings don’t exist when posting online, and I’m not sure if it’s simply the anonymity.

And one thing I haven’t been able to stop thinking about is how so many things which people say (that are considered “childish”) would be perfectly appropriate with a neurotypical tone. A lot of it is like “wow no one ever asks/says that because we have this other nebulous social routine I just do even though it doesn’t make sense”

I hate it here lolololololololol

Idk about the whole "127 variations" thing and tbh I'm deeply skeptical about it - I reckon that's just a way of selling a course tbh.

But aside from that and the brief shilling segment in the middle, this video is a really thorough look at ADHD across its presentation, symptoms, treatment options with decent consideration for neurophysiology and neurochem etc. in about as succint a video as I've ever come across.

I think a lot of clinicians don't dig deep enough into the span of symptoms of ADHD and this might be a good starting point for folks with ADHD or people who think they might have it to begin discussions with their doctors, especially if you are dealing with difficult symptoms or side effects.

Some bits might go over your head unless you're a nerd for this stuff but I can find some other videos or I can do my best to explain but even if you don't fully understand every part of this video I reckon you'll still find some useful information in it.

(It's also kinda vindicating because I occasionally talk about conditions that aggravate ADHD or which can mimic it - sleep disturbances, anaemia, problems with hormone levels etc. so it's nice to see this stuff getting mentioned and it's validating to see a qualified psychiatrist talking about this because it means I'm not a total crackpot.)

should probably preface by saying that comedy is one of my special interests, improv and stand-up comedy being my favorite flavors

I saw a thing in the paper today about a local comedy collective offering classes.

From the snooping I've done online, it seems like it's led by a guy who did comedy elsewhere but now lives here in rural shit-hole Ohio and is trying to create a community for it. It's a PoC leading it, which instantly gives me more faith in the endeavor.

The pictures they've posted from previous improv workshops give me the impression that these are my favorite flavors of weirdos.

But - presumably like most of you? - I am a very specific flavor of strange that most people don't like, and tbqh, I'm going through an particularly difficult period in which a strong dose of negative feedback could be extremely harmful.

but I'm also desperately lonely and struggling to figure out if there's anywhere I fit in at all anywhere in the world

Engaging with this opportunity seems like a big risk - maybe I could meet some people with similar interests with whom I could get along, but maybe also I could feel terribly rejected in a way that might be horrifically harmful for me right now

I tried to bring it up with my husband in the hope that I could get him to do it with me, but before I even got that far in the conversation, he was scoffing at the very existence of the class, so I feel like a real dumbass for even being interested

is this stupid?

It's weird, in the moment, I get blindsided by an interaction and only after it's over to I realize I said or went along with things I didn't want to. I'm trying so hard not to talk to people and I want to change that. I'm avoiding people because I'm scared of interacting and getting it wrong.

I can protect myself, but that means against everyone. Like I can deflect with humor or defend myself and so I keep people at a distance. I'm pushing people away, I'm avoiding them that badly. Because the truth is, I don't assert myself at all. I'm afraid that asserting myself will hurt people.

But I know I'm hitting a wall and that's from me not being assertive.

How do you know when you're doing too much or too little assertiveness? Do you have an internal sense of that? The way I sense it is by looking at the person for signs of pain or discomfort when I talk. So I hold back when I know what I'm saying might be something they don't want to hear.

What helps you know when you're being appropriately assertive?

I’ve been in a bit of a tough spot with my (highly suspected) autism and haven’t been able to be my masked self in quite a bit. I’m not sure if anyone can relate, but my masking used to be somewhat controllable but now I’m really bad at it—like to the point where I’m hesitant to go out in public because I’ve forgotten how to human. Like I used to be decent at acting in general, but that’s no longer the case

But anyway. I wish so desperately that I could just have access to how NTs conduct themselves in conversation just so I could have a framework for reference. Does something like this exist anywhere? Think of it as me copying people and changing up their behavior just a bit (which is how I’ve gone through my life)

WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6

PRIOR THREADS:

• Introduction
• Chapter One
• Chapter Two
• Chapter Three

So, it's been a minute. Apologies. Life has been overwhelming me lately. School, work, more failed attempts at dating, etc. Please be patient, I have autism (probably)

I was also reading Devon Price's new book, Unlearning Shame. Definitely recommend. He dismantles shame as a social construct of behavioral reinforcement and the undergirding of the lie that is rugged individualism, and prescribes the cure of building community and understanding social interconnectedness on a deep level. Made me re-examine just how much shame is woven into the fabric of the way I conduct myself and hoo boy it's a lot. I blame my Catholic upbringing.

Anyway, I figured before I dive back into the next chapter it'd be nice to get caught up and see where everyone is at. Share your thoughts here, ask questions, get caught up. I want to make a new post next week but first I have to write an informative speech and then an essay about some story or another

Let's cut down on the decision paralysis with some discussion questions:

• What's new with you, neurodiversity-wise, since the last thread?
• Any points of contention, confusion, or questions from prior chapters?
• Post any thoughts specific to the last chapters that you didn't get to share before.

Tag post to follow.

Love this guy's Rust and tech videos, feel like this one has some insightful and useful ideas about autism.

Posting here cuz this rant that is coming together in my head is too long for the megathread and these events interact too much with my ADHD lol.

I have been off of the site for a bit just cuz I've been feeling so awful :(

Sooo I have some kind of unmanaged ADHD thing that's been wrecking my life for the last few years (it's a long story). The way I mildly kinda cope with it is huge doses of caffeine that sometimes give me the ability to get things I've been putting off (everything) done. But it also destroys my sleep and stresses me out so much I actually think it's starting to kill me lol. I have this issue with my eyes where I get random blind spots that develop and last for like a few minutes to an hour and no doctors have been able to tell me what it is. Stress makes it worse which makes me even more stressed and anxious about it :(

It's hell but somehow I'm still alive even though I feel like I'm nearing death every day. Also developing hypertension lmao. Recently, I actually got my ADHD certified as actually real and existing (diagnosed) but this shit they gave me (atomoxetine) cuz I made the mistake of telling them I've used recreational drugs before just makes me feel more depressed, wrecks my sleep even more, and makes me even more stressed-out lol. Idk I'm looking forward to trying all manner of blood pressure drugs and whatever else they can dig out of the pharmacopoeial backlog that makes me feel worse when I probably just need healthier stimulants to make me more able to deal with living in hellworld. I suppose I could ask but that probably won't go well considering the nurse practitioner who gave me this stuff was dismissive and mean toward me without me even asking for drugs lol. I have met like... maybe 2 nice mental health ""professionals"" in my life? (and I've seen many and not one seriously considered my concerns about ADHD until I met the first good one lol)

Anyway, this brings us to the real topic of this rant: I finally got a shitty, cheap, used MSM8916-based (Qualcomm system-on-chip (derogatory)) Moto G4 Play off of the the Internet after being without a working phone for like the last two weeks. The reason I got this phone in particular is because I deluded myself again into thinking postmarketOS was worth another try and this phone seemed to have decent support. It came yesterday and yesterday I was feeling particularly bad :(

I slept even worse than usual so I thought I would forego the usual caffeinemaxxing, drug myself with this kinda bad-feeling research chem GABAergic I have to calm down, setup this new phone quickly, and go back to bed. Yeah, and then I ended up staying up for the next 18 hrs trying to make this fucking awful phone work with my fucking awful... phone service provider (I'm gonna say PSP from now on) or whatever they're called. The initial setup was easy and fine but the phone had no service in either Android or postmarketOS. I had forgotten my PSP has some kind of rage-inducing IMEI allowlist system where if you're not using a specifically approved phone they won't allow your phone to register with their network regardless of if and has the capabilities they expect from an 4G LTE-speaking phone and it would have worked fine. I tried talking to customer service and they basically said "nah, we're not letting you use your phone, wanna buy another one? If not, get out of my face you disgusting removed modded phone user. I was gonna say you belong in prison for owning that but Linux phone users like you should go to a death camp. We're working on that :)". I had forgotten that this happened last time I got a phone like this and the only way I got around this was by changing the IMEI to an old iPhone. OoooOOOoh, IMEI changing, the forbidden topic of the XDA forums, yeah it's illegal in some places, which is fine because lying about your phone to your PSP is cool and good. Unfortunately, changing the IMEI of this phone was not as easy as with a Pinephone Pro (just one unsanctioned AT command! <3 <3 <3).

So I started on this journey of great trial and discovery: changing the IMEI of the embedded MSM8916 modem. At first, I thought this would be easy... but I underestimated the frustration-power of an undocumented-for-working-class-people SoC meant only to deliver slop into the eyes of a waiting, captive user. I could go into great detail here about what I tried, so many, many things that simultaneously blur into a morass of (ancient (relative to how fast the phone market moves), arcane malware-infested tools and forbidden incantations) and it being so frustrating that I remember it all. Different modem firmware, different Android systems, wiping modem configurations in different orders, different uhhhh "Qualcomm HS-USB Windows diagnostic drivers", (soooo many different tools, first-party (leaked Qualcomm tools) and otherwise), editing the IMEI in backups from Qualcomm tools and trying to write them back, grepping the modem configuration in flash for the IMEI, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. I got so close sometimes but the attempt would always fail for some absolutely inexplicable, indecipherable reason.

For those not aware, this is just what phones are like. It all barely fucking works, any """"""consumer"""""" equipment may fall apart at any moment and be impossible to repair, it has a trillion mechanisms to prevent users from modifying their slop-feeder, data-collecting device yet is riddled with security problems for those with the time, energy, and money to find them (the state lmao), chips or whatever are undocumented except to those who can prove to Qualcomm or whoever that they're a servant of some capitalist who needs documentation in the service of their lord, infrastructure barely interoperates despite the great efforts of phone cartels to standardize because their members can't help themselves from introducing things like vendor-specific extensions or practices like carrier locking or IMEI whitelisting in the endless pursuit of higher profits

Unlimited destruction upon phones, computers are fucked now we need a Butlerian Jihad NOW!

We need to return to PDAs

Fuck it, I guess I just live without a phone now I sure hope no one needs to call me lmao

Am I really hitting post on this lol

I posted here a couple months ago asking people here how to deal with schizophrenia symptoms without being prescribed meds. It was a difficult conversation to have with me because I wasn't just being paranoid about going to get help, those people actually ruined my life for a solid year after I stopped going to them. A lot of people on here gave me a lot of great support. Their care kept me from doing what I did for a few months, and probably went into it being a half hearted attempt.

Things boiled over a few months later unfortunately. About a month ago, I was drinking heavily. Fought with my partner, went to bed, and tried to kill myself the morning after all of it. I didn't end up dying. I tried calling 911 in the moment, but lost my phone and learned that Alexa cannot do emergency calls. I seized out and slept for a day. Woke up the next day with clear symptoms of serotonin syndrome and went about getting it treated without getting locked up. Thought about it for a bit and realized I was also an alcoholic who needed to get help for drinking, and my plan was cooked and honestly pretty fucking fire.

I went into a mental health center that focused on rehabilitation and told them that my clearly visible serotonin syndrome was alcohol withdrawal. Did my intake, they sent me to their urgent care, who proceeded to send me to the emergency room. They gave me a bunch of benzos for the week, and that took care of the alcoholism and the building serotonin syndrome. Afterwards, I returned to the rehab center because they also offered psychs and 24/7 walk in counselors, which I've found very helpful. The psych listened to me and said that to him, it is clear as day that I'm suffering from PTSD and brain damage, with everything else being secondary. He said I may have schizophrenia, it's definitely in the family history, but was far more concerned about everything else. Sent in a referral for neurologist appointment. The meds have proved it so far. He gave me meds for PTSD and they've been quite helpful. I asked for my risperidone back and he gave it back to me without second thought, even at the dose I asked for. Between the two, 70 percent of my psych med needs are met. Not perfect of course, but I have a psych appointment with them next week so it hasn't been too much of a pressing matter. Also, they helped me sign up for medicaid, and that's pretty cool

To anybody questioning if they need psych meds or not, the answer is probably yes. I'm on one of the heaviest knockout meds on the planet and get an inexplicable boost of energy from it because of how well it medicates all my issues. I'm starting to get a routine again, and it's great. Like I feel like I can actually live a long term life again

So many options to learn about things. I genuinely haven’t had an idea for how to make friends like a “normal” person since I hit burnout (and subsequently started to unmask with seemingly little control). Also, does anyone have tips/tricks for how to retain existing friendships without appearing codependent/needy?

I can only stand to be around people who make my brain go brrrrrrrrrrr and I would die for those people. In fact, I’ve had nights staying up until 4 am going in circles with those people, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Title is the epiphany. Story as follows:

There's a fairly new neighbour that has moved in next to me. They are outgoing and extroverted in that needy or demanding way whereas for me as an autistic person, I'm much more self-contained and don't seek out idle chit-chat with acquaintances because I honestly don't need it in my life and I don't reap any benefit from it.

Anyway, there has been a few odd conversational topics that have arisen multiple times over the course of our interactions and with one of them it got to the point where I've thought to myself "What the fuck is up with their preoccupation with this topic? I'm sick of talking about this." and, upon reflection, I realised that they were insinuating themselves into a situation that they are completely oblivious to, that isn't their business, and that isn't a concern whatsoever.

I don't want to explain exactly what it is because it's pretty identifying info but think along the lines of someone "casually" mentioning that the soil your cacti are living in is very dry - yeah it really is, what of it?

Anyway once the penny had (finally) dropped for me that this person doing that weird Boomerish thing where they repeatedly drop mention of something like how nice the weather is today and they expect that you're going to understand that they're trying to suggest that you should mow the lawn today (a legit post that someone made on social media but maybe it was about mowing the lawn or maybe it was about putting the washing out - I forget the specifics), I turned this over in my mind and came to the conclusion in the post title above:

They are literally treating interactions with me like it's a chess match. They are making conversational manoeuvres in an attempt to force a particular response out of me. You don't do that sort of thing with a person unless you see them as an adversary. If you are gonna treat me like an adversary then we are not friends and I have no obligation to extend my goodwill towards you.

(On a tangent, this is the reason why I have a strong dislike of the Socratic Method - because it essentially treats people as your conversational adversaries.)

This is the newest development in my experience of unmasking and growing beyond my people-pleasing so I thought I would share this realisation with others.

Is a random phrase I thought of in the shower the other day and would like someone to steal for a Midwest emo track

Too niche a suggestion or can people see where I’m coming from?

This show is so fucking great. It's autistic comedy at its peak. But this episode is essentially just a compilation of Joe's excitement and joy after finding his new favorite song.

Lately, I’ve been realizing I’m really fucking unfunny, and I genuinely think that quality is important when building any type of relationship with someone, friendship or otherwise. I know people always say that there are no “rules” but I genuinely believe they don’t understand how neurodivergent people view rules, but it seems that there is one rule guiding everything. Because a shit ton of anything in life comes down to verbal delivery. I can speak fine, but the tone of my voice has been the source for a shit ton of trauma.

Going to go to a meetup tomorrow for a picnic with other people, hopefully to try to be social and talk to some new people. I know this is very casual and not a big deal, but I have had really bad social anxiety basically my whole life. I don't know if this is related to the Autism, or if its because I didn't make any friends or relationships in high school or college at all and got treated like shit by nearly everyone, and I'm just scared of people in general because of that. However, I'm done with having no one to talk to, so I think this will be a good thing for me.

...still really nervous tho.

(Also I'm debating if I should disclose if I am Autistic at any point tomorrow. Never did it before with anyone else I tried to talk and make friends with but it didn't help at all. Maybe only if someone else says it?? idk maybe if there is a right moment to do it.)

It had been 'Fly me to the Moon' for almost a decade before that which actually helped me develop as a singer a lot lol. I was a substitute teacher for a while and had this hysterical moment when I blooped out and was staring into space while my class was at recess and started singing. One of the students walks over with a concerned look and asked 'are you okay?'

There are two songs that can emotionally wreck me and both are associated with people I only went on a few dates with

I don’t know shit, but I think this means I’m not over those people. Not even my ex did this to me.

If this makes sense, the thought of willingly subjecting myself to this feeling again seems awful but the crying kinda helps. Fuck

I talked about this video in this post here.

It really helped me. I mean, this was a godsend (except for the jump-scare near the beginning). I would heartily recommend it to people who struggle with productivity either way.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/1852371

I ended up opening up to ten books and reading them for a few days (going one by one by one and then back again, trying to repeat the process).

Then asked myself "What am I doing?"

I was trying to be productive now that I don't have a job, but I realized that I'm almost done with university and have an internship now; I'm already focused on those two things and was just trying to make up for "free time." I mean, what the hell... I didn't have to make myself "more productive" but here I am.

I also decided to stop another activity of mine that I was practicing 'cause, again, I felt I needed to do it rather than wanting to do it.

A YouTube video that inspired me was here, btw. But it wasn't the only inspiration. Just a creeping realization among other things.

In the end, I got overwhelmed and realized I didn't want to do... any of these things. There were only two books that I wanted to read immediately anyways and the rest I could save for later if I wanted to get to them. I told some friends and I now know someone who admitted to trying to read up to twenty (I'm guessing by going through each one and then back again each week). I'm not judging, but now I know how extreme things can get.

And here I was being against "required reading" (which I kinda still am as I believe, outside of a few classics and fundamental material, Marxists should read whatever the hell they want, and even then, I'm pretty lax about that rule).

Welp, that's all.

How are you all doing this week?

I just read the entirety of shotgun boy, a 68 chapter webtoon in one sitting. It took a solid 6-7 hours with a break or so to eat and talk to my girlfriend. I could not put it away, every moment I could fit in I was reading it. It's 4:30 am, I have class tomorrow. They're just so easy to consume. I didn't even sleep last night, I'm exhausted but I had to finish it. Even now I'm posting this because I'm still thinking about it while I struggle to fall asleep. I want to reread sweet home.

WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6

People have been kind enough to link the audiobook in past posts, so hopefully they'll do that here, too.

In this chapter, Dr. Price goes over those who are often found to be Autistics who discover that they have been masking their whole lives without realizing. Again, lots of Literally Me moments spread throughout for all to enjoy and cry about when traumatic memories you kinda just pushed down a long time ago come back up to the surface. Fun!

We're introduced to a few of these folks, starting with Bobbi. Bobbi is an autistic nonbinary person who was raised as a girl but never got clocked as autistic for their entire life until well into their thirties. Before that, they were just the weird kid who was shoved off to the side. Appropriately, Autistic women and gender minorities are the first group Dr. Price goes over, and how their misdiagnosis is often rooted in the "white boy who likes trains and talks like Rainman" stereotype of autism, and gender roles in general. He talks about "female Autism" and other such nonsense, and how being a social butterfly to compensate for Autism symptoms can lead to an internal life of incredible pain and needless self-sacrifice that goes completely unnoticed by everyone around the Autistic in question, and about his own gender transition as well.

After that, Dr. Price discusses the issues of ethnic minority Autistics, and how failing to mask can be downright dangerous for them, and how this necessity leads to terrible rates of underdiagnosis, and the overwhelming majority of therapists being white meaning they lack critical cultural context for the social aspects of treating Autism, not to mention how good ol' racism just turns them invisible to the people looking for more of those Sheldon Cooper types . And again, the necessity of masking and how it parallels code-switching, meaning that Black Autistics in particular get to navigate even more complicated social variables now, and if they don't they can end up imprisoned or dead.

After that, the outgoing Autistics who are highly verbal who are straight up told they don't have Autism to their faces becuause, you know, they're not so cringe that everybody feels okay being cruel to them without guilt. So though highly visible, their pain remains hidden, and people guilt them for it when they try to talk about it. More nuances on sensory seeking, predictability discussed.

Next, Dr. Price goes into an in-depth discussion of people with comordid conditions. ADHD is a big one (that's me!) and there's so much overlap between symptoms that some people think that they might very well be different expressions of the same thing. PTSD's another big one, and what's fun is lots of Autistic people also have PTSD from all the horrible treatment they've received from people their entire lives, including gaslighting therapists who try to "fix" them using ineffective therapies.

Lastly, there's that pesky "high functioning" label, basically "You can't be autistic because you're not a completely useless piece of shit! You can do a job that makes money, so you don't deserve to be scheduled for extermination!" There's lots to unpack in here, and I'm sure a lot of it is familiar to the people who are already interested in this book club. After that, some advice on seeking out fellow neurodivergents to find a community of similar people.

DISCUSSION:

• Any passages or quotes that stick out to you? Experiences similar to the ones described in this chapter?
• What hit you the hardest here?
• Was there anything about the communities featured in this chapter that you got new insight on? New things to relate to?
• Anything clarified in this chapter that relates to the last one for you?

Again, tag post to follow, and my thoughts later on once I have the time and energy.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/1805789

So, I have a problem that I won't be able to solve until the end of 2025. If everything goes well, it will be like nothing ever happened. If everything goes wrong, I might have to pay money I cant really pay right now. (No idea how much exactly but mor than I can afford probably) This is obviously a stress factor at times. I "could" try to solve it right now, but I can't really afford to solve this if it doesn't work out and have to rely on my parents' money, which sucks and is bad. In a way, it's probably not the end of the world; I heavily doubt I will go to prison, at least, but it sucks to have something that feels like a set-in-stone bad end. Feels like knowing the day of your death. Also, my dad has cancer, and that also is a bit of a stress factor, to be honest.

I'm schizophrenic, and usually just browsing the internet/games/anime is enough to keep my stress and thoughts at bay. Today, though, I couldn't think about anything else while doing other things, and it is really messing with me.

Do you have any tips for dealing with (I think you call them intrusive thoughts)? Other than drugs. I only do alcohol and I dont want to become an alcoholic.

Actually typing all of this out was nice if nothing else.

I feel stressed and overwhelmed with the constant amount of stuff I have to do all the time. There's work, there's family, there's chores, there's personal finances, there's my health, there's personal relations, there's a thousand little things that screams for my attention. Somewhere in there there's also the desire to one day relax and maybe do something because I want to do it instead of it being something I have to do.

There's just so much and the pile of tasks keeps growing and growing. I don't have the time and energy to do half of what I feel I'm supposed to do and almost no time and energy to do what I have to do. I'm exhausted and stressed and I feel guilty all the time for letting people down.

I feel like I never have the time to do things right or to handle the problems that are draining my time and energy. Instead I'm constantly running around and putting out fires. If I were to put enough time and effort into actually improving some of the things that are stressing me it would mean I would have to let go somewhere else and suffer the ramifications.

I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back. I got meds and they have improved things a lot but nobody helped me figure out how to organise daily life with ADHD. I don't even know if time management would help, I don't waste my time, I get things done, I just never get enough things done. And besides, what good is a schedule if there's constantly some external factor demanding a change of plans?

How do you manage this?