Susaga

A man is sitting on a bench in the hallway, waiting to be called to give testimony, when a judge passes by. The judge is in a fit of chuckles, even wiping a tear from his eye.

"Comrade judge, is something funny?"

"Oh, I just heard the funniest joke. I keep playing it in my head and it keeps making me laugh."

"That good? Do you mind telling it to me?"

"I can't. I just gave someone 20 years for it."

You've just been kidnapped by, bear with me, an intelligent animal who can read your social media posts and, bear with me, your only way to ask for help is by leaving subtle messages within your post, BEAR WITH ME.

"But you ARE a lawyer."

"Yeah, so where's my present?"

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Alright, why don't you ever see elephants hiding in cherry trees?

Because they're very good at it.

That's an offer that's hard to turn down, or at least to look into a little. And the sign is right by the house with the dog sat on the porch, so it's easy enough to check out.

"So, you can talk, huh?"

"Yep" says the dog.

The man is surprised and impressed. "How did you learn to talk?"

"Oh, I was part of a government program run by the CIA to create a new genus of super dog, genius level intellect and top quality skills. I was the only one of the litter who could talk, so they fast tracked me up to being an agent. They taught me how to use a gun with my mouth, how to drive with my paws, how to diffuse a bomb with my tail, and even how to parachute into hostile territory. Apparently, thanks to the genius genes, I learned even faster than the human agents, and I was sent to Russia as a spy within a month.

"I had an amazing time chatting up the local pooches, begging diplomats for treats, and feeding top secret info back to the states. My work even helped delay the war on Ukraine by 2 years, but I blew my cover when I called Putin a jerk straight to his face. He sent his top guys after me, and I had to flee through the city. Jumped onto a train through Serbia and swam across the Bering Strait into Alaska.

"Unfortunately, Putin sent an assassin after me as I was moving through Canada, and he caught my dominant paw. I had to take the guy out with one of my ears, but I managed to survive, and my wounds healed really well. Now I'm retired, so I decided to keep this town safe."

"Holy crap" says the man, transfixed. When the dog's owner comes out, he looks up at the guy and asks "Why the heck are you selling him for only $5?"

"Cause he's a frickin liar! He's never spent a day outside of Utah!"

They couldn't see that well.

The genie appears before him and declares "I am a powerful genie! Due to budget cuts, I will only be granting one wish, but you can wish for anything you desire and I shall make it come true!"

The farmer wastes no time. "My neighbour, Peter, was once as poor as me. One day, he received a cow as a gift, and he began to sell the milk. Suddenly, he is earning twice as much. He could afford to fix the roof, he bought new clothes, and he even took a day off to have wild sex with his wife. That cow made his life so much better than it was before."

The genie nods. "I see. So, your wish is..."

"Kill his cow."

He couldn't see that well.

Real person, fictional character, or even just hypothetical: I wanna hear it!

There are only two survivors, both of whom are Christian men. They start walking, hoping to find civilisation and a source of food and water. Each sand dune is hell, but they push themselves forward to climb over it. Days pass and their thirst aches their throats, but they keep walking. Finally, their journey pays off, and a village comes into view.

One of the men turns to the other and says "look, we're in a muslim country, and it's a desperate situation. I say we pretend to be muslim. They'll take better care of us for it."

The other man looks aghast. "What? No! I'm a Christian and proud! I have nothing to be afraid of."

As dawn breaks and their legs are about to drop, the men reach the village. A man spots the pair and approaches them, wearing a robe, an imama, and sporting a lengthy beard. "Who are you?"

"I'm Muhammed" says the first man, his real name Peter.

"I'm John" says the second man.

The muslim man takes John by the shoulder, pulling him into the village. "It must have been a long walk, you must be tired. Please, we have plenty of food and water, and there should be a bed for you somewhere."

Then he turns to Peter and opens his arms wide, a warm smile on his face. "Salaam, Muhammed! Happy Ramadan!"

An investment banker is looking to hire a new secretary, and has narrowed down his options to three women. While most people in his position would want her to sit and look pretty, he wanted someone dependable. He wanted someone who could offer him good advice when he needed it, and might even reach a position like him in the future.

To this end, he offered each woman a test. He gave each one £10,000 and told them to invest it. After a month, they would return the money to him, and this would serve as an interview.

The first woman invested in hot new stocks, hoping one of them would pay off. Sadly, it proved to be too much of a risk. By the end of the month, she was only able to pay him back £2,000, having lost £8,000.

The second woman invested in stable businesses with gradual growth, getting a steady return per day. By the end of the month, she gave the banker £1000 more than she had been given to begin with.

The third woman invested and pulled her money like a machine, shorting companies and spreading rumours to boost her profits. While she had in excess of £17,000 by the end of the month, she only returned £10,000 to the banker, arguing that everything else was not part of the deal.

Once the test concluded, the banker instantly made up his mind, and hired the woman with the biggest chest.

And there's five people in my family.

And I know I'm not Chinese.

So it's either my mum, or my dad, or my younger brother Charlie, or my older brother Huang.

Personally, I think it's Charlie.